Bipolar check-in #62

Just had my annual apartment inspection. It went well,as usual. I always get so nervous before them though,even though I clean and keep my apartment nice I have this weird persistent thought that I'm going to get kicked out or something for some reason. I get super stressed before them even though they've always gone well.

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Im glad the apartment inspection went well. I totally relate to what you said about getting so nervous about those things and thinking the worst

Well I spoke to my work and occupational health, and they have advised that I stay off for another 3-4 weeks. I feel really gutted and disappointed in myself for being so weak
I know I shouldnt think that but I cant help but compare myself to everyone else and think that they can all cope, why cant I???

Its just so disappointing.

Thank you @tentoedsloth and thank you also to everyone for all the support I've been receiving here, I really appreciate it

I see my psychiatrist in exactly 24 hours from now, so I'll update after that and let you all know how it went, and if any changes are made

Seems good!

DBT is done on more than one level. One participate in a group as well as have some individual sessions. It seems as a good way to do therapy. It is possible to buy a book on the topic and do self-help. Strict schedules works very well with me.

I second that

I have promised the agent to have my home ready for sale in about a month. It will be much to do, but my family will give some help. I look so forward to get out of this place, but since Putin now has given his troops permission to go outside of Russian borders (that does not mean Ukraine only), I feel a bit afraid that people will be sitting on their money. Hope it goes the other way around, that buyers think that the best is to invest in a home before the war eventually spreads to the rest of Europe (let us hope that that doesn't happen) so they have a safe place to live with their children.

My anxiety is super high today. I think its just situational stuff. I just had one bottle of regular Coke and then one diet Coke from Mcdonalds. So I don't think its caffeine related. I didn't sleep very well because of the anxiety. I tried leaving my house and I was going to go out to lunch but I ate a pack of caramel M&Ms and after I ate them I suddenly decided agaisnt going out to eat. I did get to the grocery stores but I was very distracted by my anxiety but luckily my mom reminded me of the stuff I needed. I stopped for a smoothie and a jerky stick and I was having trouble reading the menu. It was empty there and the smoothie guy didn't seem impatient. Now I am at home and I have the stuff I need and I don't have to go out until tommorow morning. I just wish I could catch a break from this anxiety. I have a headache and heartburn. I took a pepcid last night but I took another one just now along with 2 tylenol. That combo often works better then my pych meds. I did take my 3rd valium and my 20mil geodon but had no relief. So hopefully this stuff I just took works. I am not nauseated although my smoothie is not really sitting well with me. I have no clue on my diet today since I drank a 240 calorie Coke at 1:45AM along with a little bag of chips. Then I really wanted ramen at 6:30AM. So I don't know if I'm too low in calories because I ate stuff so early or what. Either way I am not starving right now.

Its early but I'm ready to just give in and take my 160 mil geodon now. My stomach is a mess. I'm sleep deprived. I'm anxious. What happens happens regarding the side effects at this point.

I took the geodon then I ate the jerky stick and I'm feeling better. I am still not hungry for an actual meal but I did an awful lot of grazing today so I don't think I should be hungry. I've just been grazing these last 3 days. In therapy we are working on just eating what I feel like I am able to when I feel like I can.

My sodium was a mess though.

I am wondering if the queen is on her way out. She's been under a lot of stress as it these past few weeks and now shes got covid. Plus she's 95.

Well I got accepted into peer support training !

My Facebook memories in 2017 I was doing the same
Thing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband would never have been able to go off to war, he's so sensitive. I can imagine how that exacerbated your David's symptoms. My husband also had depressions since childhood. He has accepted medications in the past, starting with his first severe one in his early 30s when he had to go on long-term disability. My s-i-l has confirmed that his OCD-like behaviors (he has no official dx for that) were present since his early teens. Hubby definitely has the ADD and that diagnosis. He stopped the ADD stimulants a few years ago. Since he no longer regularly works he doesn't see the need. All of these things affected his ability to get ahead in his old job. It's a shame as he's quite smart and talented in many ways. I would also like to visit Versailles some day. I've been to Paris maybe five times but never took the trip to the palace. I asked Hubby to go one time, but he refused. He had been once. Orléans must be beautiful. I've never been there either. Our plan is to visit the Bordeaux region and parts of Bretagne and maybe Normandy. We'd surely pass through Pays-de-la-Loire (main city Nantes) between Bordeaux area and Bretagne. We'll see. Other than them, I've also visited the French Riviera and parts of Occitanie in the south. We originally seriously considered the latter for possible relocation, but I didn't get a good feeling there (and the Catalonian culture and dialect in parts), and it was too hot and humid for my taste and wellness. I like that Bretagne is a fairly liberal leaning area of France (Macron voters). I'd rather not live in an ultra conservative region. Even Bordeaux is a tinge conservative leaning, unfortunately. France also has a far right leaning Fascist-like type like Trump, named Le Pen. Sadly, several European countries have them. TBD how much power they will gain. Hungary and Poland already have them in power. This Putin crap is concerning us, greatly. The only country that separates Czech Republic from Ukraine is Slovak Republic. If the sucker invades Ukraine, Ukrainians will be running towards us (Slovakia, CZ, and also Poland) en masse fast to escape. Definitely not Belarus (dictatorship), Hungary (semi-dictatorship), or really Romania, or Moldova. Trump already stated he wants to leave NATO. If that happened, Lord help Europe! Let's cross our fingers that the 2024 election in the US has the smartest outcome.

David was drafted right out of high school. So it was the army or prison. He hated the war and, having been there during the 2 worst years - '67 & '68 (the Tet Offensive, Mi Lai, etc.) - he, and all the guys by that time, were well aware of the farce of that war. But, nothing they could do except what the government demanded.

Yuck, I would avoid humidity at almost any cost. I remember taking a shower in a motel in Memphis and literally sweating while in the shower, it was so hot and humid (August). The humidity is not for me.

Go where the Macron voters abide

I'm thinking of you during this stressful time with Putin. I didn't know that Belarus was a dictatorship now. My grandmother, great aunts, great uncles, great grandparents- escaped horrible persecution in Belarus to the States way back in 1910.

Soupe, only the Great Creator can help all of us if Trump, or anyone similar, is elected in 2024. My mantra is "wisdom."

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 Well I got accepted into peer support training ! My Facebook memories in 2017 I was doing the same Thing!

Congratulations!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Just had my annual apartment inspection. It went well,as usual. I always get so nervous before them though,even though I clean and keep my apartment nice I have this weird persistent thought that I'm going to get kicked out or something for some reason. I get super stressed before them even though they've always gone well. Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Ugh. Does anyone not get extremely anxious with apt. inspections?! I don't blame you a bit. I always fear that I'll get kicked out for some reason, too...even though I can't think of a single one.

I'm so glad your inspection ended up going well

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I have promised the agent to have my home ready for sale in about a month. It will be much to do, but my family will give some help. I look so forward to get out of this place, but since Putin now has given his troops permission to go outside of Russian borders (that does not mean Ukraine only), I feel a bit afraid that people will be sitting on their money. Hope it goes the other way around, that buyers think that the best is to invest in a home before the war eventually spreads to the rest of Europe (let us hope that that doesn't happen) so they have a safe place to live with their children.

Are you in Europe, GoGo?

Congratulations!!!

Im feeling less upset than I was earlier. I think things got to me a little too much. Ive spoken to my fiance about being off work and hes very supportive. And on reflection, Im probably not ready to go back yet seeing as Im sleeping ridiculous amounts.

I attended a virtual induction for my dog training class Im starting next week. I didnt speak or ask any questions but I attended, despite my anxiety. Im going to feel very anxious going but I think it will be good for both the dog, and me.

I hope everyone is having as good a day/night as possible! Sending loads of hugs!

I was pleasantly surprised to enjoy myself yesterday evening watching my soaps. I haven't been able to tolerate them due to my mild persistent depression for a while now so i was really pleased. And today i went in my support group's ZOOM drop-in and had a great time! One of the guys said i have a good sense of humor! It's so funny, at first i really disliked the facilitator when i first met her years ago but now we get along great and i find her so warm and welcoming and open.

I'm so happy to have felt some pleasure again and hope it is a sign of more good things to come!

I slept five hours last night, even with 100mg of seroquel. I was agitated and angry as soon as I woke up. I did go to work, and it was indeed a mistake. I got more and more angry as the day went on.

I took Xanax immediately when I got there because I knew there was no way to contain it except through meds. It kept me from needing to pace and wring my hands and it allowed me to keep my mouth in check. It wore off though by lunch and I was absolutely FURIOUS by the time I left. I breathed deploy on the drive home and made a conscious effort to not drive like a huge a-hole. I kept it between 80-85mph which I never ever do but I wasn’t aggressive at least.

I took 50mg seroquel as soon as I walked in the door and had my session with my therapist. I admitted that I wasn’t sure I could take it for much longer. I do have another appt with pdoc on Thursday and I wanted to talk to her today but wouldn’t you know the one time I wasn’t holding my phone and it wasn’t face up on my desk was when she called!!!! I missed the call and it was already 3:20 and I had to gtfo of work to get home in time for therapy.

I was gonna call her back but I’m afraid she’s going to more forcefully recommend IP.

I just happened to have a meeting with my supervisor (we all did). She had seen me in the hallway and I didn’t look good I guess because she immediately asked me if I was ok. During our meeting she asked how my mental health was and I really don’t give af right now so I straight up said in the trash. She gave me the employee assistance program resources. She also assured me that I wasn’t going to get fired over my poor attendance. Fact Is it’s all due to either my son being banned from school because of Covid exposure or my own medical appointments. There’s only a few times that I didn’t mention why I took off or it was personal, not medical. She said my overall score won’t be top notch and therefore I may only get a small raise but like I said, idgaf right now.

I don’t think this is sustainable. I think if the rest of the week goes as ****** as today did I’m going to have to admit defeat and go into IOP. SUCKS SO MUCH because I LIKE my job, I like being there when I’m stable, it provides distraction when I’m mildly or even moderately struggling, but I am struggling severely at this point. I need a med change right now and I’ve been lucking out that my pdoc has been having cancellations so I’m able to get in more often, but if she doesn’t it’s a 2-3 week wait at least.

@wildflowerchild25:

Sounds really intense and unpleasant right now. My thoughts are with you that you get some significant help soon. Hang in there, i know you're under a lot of pressure. You've made such great strides in your personal life, moving out of your mom's and getting married, don't lose sight of your successes there.

My check-in for today (Tuesday):

It wasn't as good a day and that may be because I took a day off from following my schedule so closely. I had more anxiety and old familiar worried thoughts, a lot like OCD thoughts, but they don't trouble me when my mood goes up, another reason to believe the bipolar diagnosis, which surprised me greatly when I first heard it. (I was called just depressed for about 10 years, and I thought it was mostly anxiety.) Anyway, when I'm in happier mode, the same things about the world that I was thinking about with dread are just part of the adventure.

But today... it was also dark and cloudy this morning. I'm quite sensitive to weather. And the whole day was discouraging; I was dropping things, like a bag of popcorn that spilled half of it on the floor, and a bowl of cookie dough that flipped over upside down on the floor, but only a little spilled out. And I got lost out driving and was of course annoyed with myself, but all this is little stuff. It was those thoughts, and/or the anxiety (I don't know which comes first), that had me thinking that I haven't really made much progress.

I'm okay now.

I'm following the schedule tomorrow.

I'm thinking about getting THE DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY SKILLS WORKBOOK on Kindle, the one with Matthew McKay as the first author listed. It's #1 in its category on Amazon and gives a good long free sample, and I like it so far--some helpful ideas and it doesn't seem to talk down to the reader too much.

@Pinny

I'm glad to see that you're feeling better about things but I'm still going to say it--So you're not doing everything; look at all the things you ARE doing! And that includes keeping up with posting on here.

I have to have a procedure to place a marker in my breast so they know they got the whole lesion during my surgery next week. The procedure is scheduled for Thursday. We're supposed to have bad weather coming Thursday. I just need it to hold off until afternoon.


I'm really anxious about this. If I don't have the procedure I can't have surgery and I don't want surgery to be pushed back another month or longer. When they scheduled it was next Wednesday or a month out.


So stressed.

@Mountaindewed

Anxiety takes my appetite away. When this first started with me, 20 years ago, I lost 20 pounds in a few weeks without trying.

Not reading all about serious illnesses unless it's been proven that you have them is a valuable lesson to have learned. I think my transition from very mild usually almost undetectable bipolar to the deep ditch was partially brought about by extensive reading about a problem I thought I might have. It had a sort of fascination.

@BeyondtheRainbow

With any luck the weather won't be bad enough to keep you home. Here's hoping.

@GoGo2

Wow, another schedule person! I'm planning to post mine soon, or at least part of it, maybe in its own thread, but I'm still making changes--I've only been doing it for a week.

My mood has lifted a little. But I'm still dealing with the paranoia and agitation. I see my doctor tomorrow.

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