Bipolar check-in #63

I'm going a little crazy from not being able to go for walks. I've been listening to a lot of music lately. I'm about to take a bath. I'm going to actually get dressed and not wear PJs all day for once, hopefully that'll help me feel a little more human.

I checked myself out of inpatient AMA. Foolish? Could be. While I am still grieving, I have taken back my power and am moving on.

I went to bible study yesterday and then out to lunch with the group at a ritzy country club. I had a delicious strawberry avocado salad and I had a good view of the 8th fairway. It was a beautiful day. We then went to see the movie Dog with Channing Tatum. Good looking guy. Good movie.

So far this morning, I’ve picked up my special raspberry tea and am sitting in a doctor’s office with brother. As long as I stay busy I’ll be okay. I’m making plans with my daughter to see the Van Gogh immersive experience in Atlanta. That will be cool. We’ll stay at the hotel near the runway at the airport so we can see all of the planes come and go.

I’m nowhere near ready for another relationship as I’m still mourning this one but I can say this - I’ll be more careful next time, pick someone that deserves me and who is capable of having a mature relationship.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

Yeah I go to a church group on Fridays here that is kind of like therapy called Celebrate Recovery. It is broke down into three section. First is a hour long dinner and the best part is it is homemade food and only costs $4 bucks the second hour is what we call large group and we all gather in one room and do worship then either a teaching or someone has a testimony the third and last group is call small group and that is where it broken down into smaller numbers of people. We have 3 separate groups for men and 2 or 3 smaller groups for the females. I go to the mixed issues group and that is for all things they also have a mens alcohol group and a sexual integrity group. The neat part about it being broken down into 3 different sections is you can pick and choose which sections you go to. I used to eat dinner and skip the large group cause for years I was having anxiety attacks being around large groups of people.
I also started that Grief Share group and it is kind basically a group therapy session.
I hear you on cycling I have been pretty stable the last 3 or so years but before that started to do what my doctor called extreme rapid cycling and I was cycling 2 or 3 times a day that lasted like 6 months and just kind of went away but that was pure hell.
As far as paranoia that was what led to my first I patient stay. I thought everyone was out to get me and I kicked my wife and kids out of my house and I took 2 and a half inch drywall screws and I screwed all my windows and doors shut. Somehow my sister talked me off of the edge and convinced me to go into the hospital. It goes away but it really sucks to suffer from it.

AAA is top notch. The car wouldn’t start when we left the doctor’s office. They were there in 15 minutes and we were good to go. Definitely a necessity.

My world right now is bleak and gray. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep moving towards a brighter future.

Hugs to all.

Hugs back at ya

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel kind of ill today. I woke up ill, had a little reprieve around lunch, but am now feeling unwell again. I emailed my Czech teacher that I would not be participating today. Tomorrow I have an early morning nephrologist appointment. I hope I feel better by then. It will be awful if I don't.

Was really worried last night. That depression is still tugging at the edges. I burst into tears over the smallest things. Reading the reader’s digest was a land mine, every article had some sort of emotional trip wire. Then last night the head noise started. Awck! That head noise and the increased sensitivity to noice is a bad sign. But last night was my full dose of night meds. So I did sleep last night. Deeply. Maybe for right now I should take the full dose of sleep meds on a regular schedule? For when I woke up this morning the head noise and the sound sensitivity was gone.

Oh it’s three weeks to my intake with a psychiatrist. Gotta hang on, no chance of getting a sooner appointment

Aww I’m so sorry that the head noise has started but glad it was gone this morning! I hope your medication helps!

I hope you feel better as soon as possible!! That’s horrible to feel unwell!

Argh my laptop broke yesterday, I took it to the shop today and they said it’ll be £600 to replace the part, it’s so rubbish!
I tried updating the OS and it wouldn’t charge after that. It must have messed up the drive for the charging ports!
I feel like it’s their fault because I tried to install the update but there’s nothing I can do

I’ll have to see as I really need a laptop when I’m back at work!

Anyway besides that, I’m still doing ok. I missed my docs phone call today so I had to make another appt with another doc because my one is away on holiday!
I’m annoyed at myself for missing it (just to discuss my drugs and their side effects) but I was in the laptop shop!

I’m really anxious today as I have training classes for my dog tonight, it’s the first one and I don’t want to go…. But I will. It’s only one hour, I can manage!

I hope you all have a lovely day and a peaceful evening!

Oh so sorry about the laptop. Those things confound me. Oh do go to your dog training, you’ll have lots of fun. Dog people are the best kind of people!

I hope you start feeling better soon.

So sorry you are struggling with this. I’m sending good thoughts, hugs and healing vibes to get you through to your appointment.

So sorry to hear about your laptop. That’s downright frustrating.

I think if you go to the dog training class you’ll have fun. Sending good thoughts.

I hope the bath and getting dressed helps you out. I know how that is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I checked myself out of inpatient AMA. Foolish? Could be. While I am still grieving, I have taken back my power and am moving on. I went to bible study yesterday and then out to lunch with the group at a ritzy country club. I had a delicious strawberry avocado salad and I had a good view of the 8th fairway. It was a beautiful day. We then went to see the movie Dog with Channing Tatum. Good looking guy. Good movie. So far this morning, I’ve picked up my special raspberry tea and am sitting in a doctor’s office with brother. As long as I stay busy I’ll be okay. I’m making plans with my daughter to see the Van Gogh immersive experience in Atlanta. That will be cool. We’ll stay at the hotel near the runway at the airport so we can see all of the planes come and go. I’m nowhere near ready for another relationship as I’m still mourning this one but I can say this - I’ll be more careful next time, pick someone that deserves me and who is capable of having a mature relationship. I hope everyone has a peaceful day

Maybe you just needed a day and night of rest IP. Hopefully, that's the case.

Oooh, the ritzy country club luncheon sounds divine. I could so use such a luncheon these days! I'm glad you could enjoy that.

I love watching planes come and go. It fills me with excitement.


The VanGogh exhibit! I will want to hear all about it! The exhibit was in San Francisco, but the parking insanity in the city deterred me. Now it's coming to Sacramento, which is closer to me...I am struggling with whether to attend or not. I have studied his life so much, and had the blessing of seeing his work in several museums in the world. My one concern about the submersive exhibit is that I'll find it too overstimulating. Anyway, I'll depend upon you to fill me in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I'm not sure what it is, but I feel kind of ill today. I woke up ill, had a little reprieve around lunch, but am now feeling unwell again. I emailed my Czech teacher that I would not be participating today. Tomorrow I have an early morning nephrologist appointment. I hope I feel better by then. It will be awful if I don't.

Oh, no. I hope you are resting a lot, Soupe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Was really worried last night. That depression is still tugging at the edges. I burst into tears over the smallest things. Reading the reader’s digest was a land mine, every article had some sort of emotional trip wire. Then last night the head noise started. Awck! That head noise and the increased sensitivity to noice is a bad sign. But last night was my full dose of night meds. So I did sleep last night. Deeply. Maybe for right now I should take the full dose of sleep meds on a regular schedule? For when I woke up this morning the head noise and the sound sensitivity was gone. Oh it’s three weeks to my intake with a psychiatrist. Gotta hang on, no chance of getting a sooner appointment

I can only give my opinion, of course, but it sounds like taking your full dose of sleep meds for awhile is a wise idea

There really isnt any transference going on with her. She's my age. I'm actually a few months older. And I develop transference with T's who are at least 10 years older then me. She's just normal really. I think shes the one with the problem to be honest

I'm waiting for my pdoc to send me the zoom link. I made it here ok. We stopped at a grocery store and I found 4 cases of orange vanilla Coke. I thought this particular store might have it. They got rid of that flavor late last month so the stores just have what they have. I told my mom if I could just find it in cans I'd be happy and the trip would be worth it. 4 cases could last me a year. I'm just about done with the one case I got from Thanksgiving.

This morning I was on Hollisters website looking for boxers and I found some for half off and then I saw they had all their winter stuff on clearance. So I got the boxers, a puffer jacket, and 2 long sleeve shirts all for $83. I saved over $110. The jacket was marked from $99 down to $39.

Now I'm just waiting at the hotel for my Pdoc to call. He'd be really stupid to do anything with my meds when theres already going to be a huge change regarding getting off my hormones.

I am trying to talk myself into getting a pedicure today. I hate to spend the money, but I like to keep my feet nice, plus I think it's healthy to do so. Deciding on polish color is always stressful for me. I have to choose a color I can live with for a month, and that's hard for me. I'm thinking of a pretty, neutral color.

The weather is COOL today! We actually had a tiny bit of showers - the lovely rain scent awoke me. What a joy. I hope the heat holds off for a while.

Love to all! I'll be back later.

Oh Beth a pedicure sounds marvelous. My daughter already takes my 4 year old granddaughter with her so she’ll get used to treating herself to self care. My granddaughter loves it. She’s been into lotion and creams since she was 2. Her other favorite activities are dancing, gymnastics and crafts. I got her 5 different art crafts for Christmas and she’s done them all already.

One that the wife and I use is actually through our car insurance but it is only like a dollar extra a month but with our car insurance company if you have full coverage you can add roadside assistance and that covers lock outs, run out of gas , towing and a couple of other things like hotel reimbursements if you break down on a trip.

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it's taken me the whole day, but I finally have a song about going to the toilet (sung to the tune of greensleeves). I don't have a chorus yet, but this is how bored I am

* clears throat*

I'm sat here cause I need the loo, it's just a wee, and not a pooh. it will only take a moment or too, and then I will be finished.

it took me an entire day to come up with that, and since I'm not doing anything tonight I'm going to work on a chorus

yes, my life really has hit rock bottom

I had my pdoc appointment. He was not reassuring at all. He said its bad in the ukraine and I asked him if it was the end of the world and he said "I don't know. I know thats not the answer you want to hear but things are bad." My mom called him a total jerk and said its not the end of the world. The Today Show was acting really goofy this morning and wasnt acting like it was the end of the world. He's raising my topamax. He said it will help with my anxiety and moods. I didnt tell him I couldnt eat anything partially because of my anxiety. The increase in topamax will just make me even less hungry. But I'd rather he raise that and me lose weight then be put on something new that causes weight gain. I figured an increase in valium was out of the question and I didn't dare ask. I think he may have known I ditched him and was in a hotel 15 minutes away the way he said I'll see you next time through zoom or in person. He also called my therapist a bigoted prick. Lol.

I'm going out to dinner now. I have a splitting headache and I am starving I've barely eaten today and I havent had anything since 9:30.

But yeah not a very helpful session. The only thing he said about me going off my hormones was "have you considererd the full surgery?" Which is not a question you really ask a trans person. I know none of my other doctors ask it and certainly none of my friends or family ask it.

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