Bipolar check-in #63

Slept for an hour 2 times last night and that was it. Very disappointed, but I'm still not up to the full dose of medicine.

Plans for today: Endure.

I've done it for more than 20 years so I'll probably keep doing it from now on. It just hurts a lot today. If the turnaround comes I'll be enjoying life again. It always has.

That’s what I have, it’s though my insurance.

Well good news. I went to go pick up my meds and ask the pharmacy to fax a note to the clinic for a refill on my sleep meds. AND they didn’t need to, there was already a refill on it! So no waiting I was able to get all my meds today! How nice!

That's the first thing that's made me smile all day. I want more!

Yes!! Me too! It’s such fun @raging vortex

Thanks for making me smile!

Ah I’m so sorry @tentoedsloth
Lack of sleep is a nightmare.
I hope things get better quickly for you!

Well I went to dog training class!
It was fun but I was very very anxious!
I don’t know why I get so worked up about these things.

On another note, I’ve been soooo clammy and sweaty today. It’s actually so bad. I’m planning on speaking to my gp doc about it on Monday (I missed my phone appt today). I only missed it because they give you an hour and a half time slot and say they will phone “at some point between…”.
I’m really worried to go back to work because it’ll show my sweat so much!
I got this special antiperspirant which stops you from sweating where you put it so I’ll try that maybe tomorrow!

Meanwhile I’m going away tomorrow for the weekend yay!! I’m totally stressed about it but really looking forward to it!
I hope everyone has a lovely evening!

Soupe I’m sorry your feeling I’ll I hope it’s short lived

Nammu I’m sorry the depression is poking you with a stick I hope it eases soon. Great news on having a refill and no need to call ! I’m here if you need a ear

Pinny oh dear trouble with laptops suck ! Is there a chance there might be a cheaper fix somehow ?? What type of dog training are you doing ??

Beth! Pedicures are soooo relaxing ! I have yet to find anyone around here that does a good job. It’s something I always did on trips to Florida. Yay ! I’m glad you have some cooler weather

Jennifer .. I’m sorry things are still a bit of a struggle but I’m so glad your going out ( that lunch sounds amazing) And doing things

Nothing new to report I’m still just incredibly sad. I want Steve to get home. Still looks like h s heading home Tuesday. I sure hope so.

Hugs everyone.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Depressed and nothing to say

I am currently in the hotel bathroom sitting on the floor but I can still hear the news. Although I took my first valium really early and my last one late. This last valium seems to be helping. I went out to eat for dinner but I went out to a place I went to shortly before the lockdown and I was really scared then because of covid then and then tonight I was really scared of whats going on now. So the resturant just triggered me I guess. I was able to eat though. My pdoc raised my topamax to 150mil a day. So I guess thats 3 a day instead of 2. Tommorow I plan on doing some more shopping and then I'm going to my aunts for dinner. My therapist told me I need to utilize my support system more. I am not thrilled about getting to her house at 6 when I am normally in bed at 5. But my therapist swears my support system will help me more then she will be able to.

Years ago my mom and dad had this puppy they took into training classes. The pour Dog was so timid and shy that they kicked my dad and the dog out lol. All she would do was hide under the chairs and would not come out for nothing lol.

@christina and everyone else who needs a hug

I'm dealing with a severe toothache. It kept me up most of the night and it's been going on most of the day. I called the dentist this afternoon and they didn't have any walk-in appointments left for today so they said to call back tomorrow morning at 7:30am and they'll see if they can get me in for an exam. I really am ready for this appointment. I took 2 ibuprofen, the pain relief lasted two hours but now it's back in full force. It's gonna be a long night. I need to get antibiotics probably and maybe a prescription strength ibuprofen which they usually prescribe for things like this, which is better and lasts longer than the OTC lower dose ones. Then make a follow-up appointment to get whatever needs to be done done to resolve it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oh Beth a pedicure sounds marvelous. My daughter already takes my 4 year old granddaughter with her so she’ll get used to treating herself to self care. My granddaughter loves it. She’s been into lotion and creams since she was 2. Her other favorite activities are dancing, gymnastics and crafts. I got her 5 different art crafts for Christmas and she’s done them all already.

I fully support the practice of your daughter taking your granddaughter for pedicures. My sisters and mom always taught me about body care...lotions, skin care, polish, etc. It has given me self-confidence in my life when I might otherwise have been very down on myself.

Your granddaughter sounds delightful. I soooo want a grandchild, but my daughter & husband are not having children and my son and his wife don't say anything about having children. I don't want to ask them and seem pushy. (x fingers crossed x)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I'm dealing with a severe toothache. It kept me up most of the night and it's been going on most of the day. I called the dentist this afternoon and they didn't have any walk-in appointments left for today so they said to call back tomorrow morning at 7:30am and they'll see if they can get me in for an exam. I really am ready for this appointment. I took 2 ibuprofen, the pain relief lasted two hours but now it's back in full force. It's gonna be a long night. I need to get antibiotics probably and maybe a prescription strength ibuprofen which they usually prescribe for things like this, which is better and lasts longer than the OTC lower dose ones. Then make a follow-up appointment to get whatever needs to be done done to resolve it

Ugggghhh, I'm so sorry for you. Geez, I hope the dentist can get you in tomorrow.

Me too, hoping you can get in tomorrow. Dental pain is awful 😢

I was really pleased to get my income tax return out of the way early today. It's only the second time i've done it and it didn't go smoothly. I made a false start and i thought i would have to take it to a professional. But i persevered and got back on track and i succeeded. There was a new feature this year and it actually turned out to be easier than last year, so yay for technology. I phoned my one close neighbor to tell her about it and she congratulated me so that was nice. Accounting intimidates me.

But since then i've been plunged into this worst awful boredom. I can't tolerate Scrabble, my soaps or Netflix. I've just been sitting quietly for hour after hour, watching the clock. It's so uncomfortable.

I emailed my doctor who i haven't heard from in 23 days. I know he's been coping with a lot but taking over three weeks to answer an email is unreasonable. I wrote a whiny message but he deserves it so whatever, i'll allow it.

I feel a little better now that i'm off the sofa and in front of my computer. A computer is good company. I'm just gonna zone out here and go to bed early. At least it's dark now. It's more comfortable at home when it's dark out. Daylight just screams, "Come outside! Do stuff! Be active!" But darkness says, "Relax, take it easy."

I somewhat liked it better when i was on more benzos and my hours would get all screwed up in the Winter and i would stay up til 4:00am and sleep til mid-afternoon and not have to deal with the long hours of accusatory daylight. There's nothing to do at night and since i can't tolerate anything it would be better for me to live in darkness.

But now that i've reduced my benzo by 75% i'm awake at 7:00am or 8:00am and uncomfortable all day long. I've applied for a volunteer gig at the hospital near me but they're not taking on anyone new til COVID dies down. I've heard mixed things about volunteering in hospitals anyway.

Tomorrow i have two ZOOM group opportunities so it should be better.

Well, i'm doing better than some on the world stage. There's that.

Really confused today I'm not cycling or however it is spelled but I am going from happy to depressed today. People keep telling mw to think of the happy and good times I had with my wife. Well at first I am happy then bam I'm crying cause I know I will never have good times with her anymore. I can say the depression is not as bad now as it was in the beginning cause I actually don't remember the first couple of months. The only thing I remember is the day she passed which was 11/18/21 and 12/18/21 which was the day my dad came over with some groceries for me and made me go to the er cause I was really sick but that day is also when I quit smoking cigarettes and weed but somewhere between those couple of months I lost 61 pounds in like the first 2 months I was totally starving myself and doing nothing but drinking coffee and I don't remember.
I know things will get a little better but I am inpatient with how long it will take. The thing is I know my wife would be pissed off at me for how I treated myself but I know she is happy with how I have been taking care of myself now. It has been like 2 weeks now that I have been back on all my medications and taking them twice a day and not missing a dose. I started eating again and I have put on like 5 pounds and I am actually happy with that I have been over weight since I was a kid and the weight loss does not bother me except for how physically ill I was. I mean when I started eating food again I would actually split up a container of yogurt into 2 meals lol. I am pretty much back on a normal diet.
My daughter and I had a real rough past and we would always fight but through all this she did a 180 and has been my number one supporter and our relationship is going pretty good right now. I signed her and I up for the grief share program and we both like it. I have agreed to go and do some therapy with her and her counselor but I told her that it will take some time before I can go into it and she is okay with that but I promised her I would go in with her.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent even though I am doing some therapy a couple of times a week I am really struggling to talk about my wife right now cause I almost start crying as soon as I start talking about her. I did open up the other day about some of my struggles in the grief share group without crying so that is saying something.

To me dental pain is some of the worse pain out there. My mom had almost all her teeth removed the other day and they put in new uppers the next day and she goes in next week to have her lowers removed. Just to clarify she had some false teeth both uppers and lowers so I'm not sure in all how many teeth wer pulled but it looks like someone punched her in the mouth.
I really hope they can get you in you might have to find another dentist if your normal one does not work out for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers I really hope things go good for you.

@otroo:

I'm glad to hear you are back to taking your meds regularly and eating regularly. Your functionality will come back slowly but it sounds like you are doing well with it. I know it's hard to be patient but things can only unfold in their own time. It doesn't do any good to try and force things. Like a butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis can only come out on it's own time. I think you're getting some signs that you're progressing with your grief. Treasure each small step you make, like talking about your wife in group without crying. I know it's not the same thing but when i got divorced it was really hard changing gears from being in a couple to being single but once i'd made the transition i was okay. I waver now and again but overall i'm okay being single. You're still changing gears. Be easy on yourself and congrats on healing the rift with your daughter!

Thank you so much! My teeth are in bad shape from years of purging (have an eating disorder). I also used to drink a lot of soda for many years (not diet, the kind with tons of sugar in it), which is acidic. Now for many years I've switched to drinking a lot of black coffee, also acidic. Plus sometimes when I go through a severe depressive episode my dental hygiene isn't the best. My teeth are a mess and I'm only 27 years old. I'm so self conscious about them. I wish I could afford to get them all removed and implants put in but that will never happen.

I saw a video circulating on Facebook recently that had a young woman in it who had dentures, anyway, she was doing videos to try to remove the stigma associated with it if you for some reason end up having to get them. It made me feel a little better because I have always been scared of losing my teeth. I have all of them, I only have had to have one removed because my insurance wouldn't cover the root canal for it. I really am upset with myself though for all the damage I've caused to them over the years. I hope I don't have to get any more pulled but if I do I guess it's not the end of the world. It's my fault

My buddy on his 18th birthday had all his teeth pulled and went to full dentures. He used to drink like 4 or 5 what was then called super big gulps from 711 of Coke a day those were like 40 ounces.

I had pretty bad dental hygiene myself and the wife and I used to drink cases of Pepsi a week and my teeth also got real messed up from the drugs I used to take years ago. Ive been clean 25 years now though.

The wife and I quit drinking pop about 5 or more years ago and that was the best thing I have ever done. I have had like 4 or 5 teeth pulled before I quit drinking pop. I was kind of lucky that it was my molars that went bad so no false teeth yet lol.

I still don't brush my teeth everyday like I should but getting soda out of my life was one of the best things I have ever done.

I really hope the best for you cause I have been there and I would not wish that on anyone.

To those with teeth troubles- that is the worst. Last Spring, I bit into a peach and hit the pit and snapped my top front left tooth in half. I had originally broken it at age 10 when a kid pulled up on an old fashioned water pump and hot me in the mouth. So that needed fixed and the right top front tooth was also chipped so my dentist suggested crowns. I had to spend $1400 of my savings for Disney money. Basically it was my whole stimulus check. Good thing I had the money at the time and my new teeth are so much nicer than my natural ones were! Anyway, that's my teeth story but yeah tooth pain sucks!

I had a fairly good day. I woke up at 830 a.m. all on my own! Then I got up and got my things together and went to Starbucks which I hadn't done in quite some time. I got a coffee and some pumpkin bread and talked on the phone to Caleb for nearly 3 hours. Then I had to go to the doctor. I had made this appointment over a year ago. I'd had a Mirena IUD placed in 2014 because of heavy periods. My periods then disappeared. (Not unheard of.). So I'd never met this doctor before but she was very nice. I'd gone through my 3 pregnancies in this OB/Gyn office back 20+ years ago. So this new doctor was very nice. We talked about why I was getting it removed- it had run its course basically. The hormones were depleted basically. I hadn't had a period since I got the IUD- she said it might come back and it might not since I'm approaching menopause. Even though I haven't had a period in over a year- manyany years- I don't think I'm in menopause yet. We'll see if my body turns my cycles back on after having the progesterone from the IUD in there. I'd brought a liner with me in case I had spotting but it turned out I needed a pad. The bleeding has slowed some now in the past 7 and a half hours. All this is normal. While I was in my appointment she also went ahead and did my pap smear. So I've just been laying down on the couch with my hot water on my lower abdomen and my back hurt some too. Oh! And the scale at the Dr's office reflected my weight loss!

Anyway maybe that's all TMI.

P.S. Last Friday, after not having any money deposited into my food stamp card since at least December I went to my pdoc's office case manager and she and I went to DHS and a woman helped us to leave a note for my case manager there. Today I received notice in the mail that I have been approved!

So I ordered my meds hopefully they're here tomorrow and made an appointment with a new T. I have to get back on the thorizine at least. I'm ragefully angry. I'm going to end up sh if this continues down this path. Look at me being preemptive.i flew off the handle at Miguel. Still to mad to apologize. He's self sabotaging because he doesn't want to be an adult. He doesn't understand we have rules we have to follow to keep the things we have. It's infuriating. I'd rather him in I'll but that's not an option.

My stomach hurts and I’m sad. My step grandpa died this morning and it doesn’t feel real.