Bipolar check-in #63

My mom talked to me for a long time today. I’ve seen the light now and it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s 100% done now. No turning back. Things are rolling forward. No scars, no hard feelings, no regrets…just rolling forward. I’m taking the positivity and lessons with me and I’ve processed the rest.

Thank you for supporting me while I wavered.

Hugs to all

I see my therapist tommorow and I'm going to be honest with her and talk about things but I'm not really sure how to be honest without being too honest. I want to just say I feel like you are creeped out by me and I am not sure what I did wrong but if you think I am transfering my feelings from my old therapist onto you I'm not. Like I don't want to outright accuse her of being paranoid but I want her to know that shes seeing things that are just not there. And the things she says bothers me. Like when she calls me creepy and weird. I don't know. I tried all this with my last therapist and she assumed I meant things werent working out and terminated me immediatly. Whatever happened to working through issues?

I got out today. Man! Gas! I had .74 cents per gallon off thank goodness and had to use it before it expired. So I went today as it’s a brilliant day. Up into the low 40’s. Like March tomorrow dips back into the 20’s.

My sister came today at 7am because she thought mum’s results appointment was today. But it’s Friday morn. We want someone with her to hear the results of her heart tests. As I’m deaf and can’t read lips though the masks my sister was going to go. But now Friday is up in the air as it’s going to snow Thursday and maybe Friday morning. She lives an hour away. So, we shall see.

I’m just tugging along. Doing the basics. They have to be done. My pdoc appointment is now two weeks away.

Spreading purple soothing rays throughout the thread. to all and crumb cake too.

@Nammu

Purple is my favorite color. I'll be waiting to catch some of those rays.

And I assume internet crumb cake has no calories, or fat, or sugar, or preservatives. Yum.

Hey folks,

I'm doing okay, better than I was on the weekend, but my brain is so fried from spending something like an hour on taxes (US income taxes) that I think after reading a few more posts I'm just going to go read a book or even take a nap if I can. I'm actually experiencing a little blurry vision.
Anyone not from the USA probably can't understand the deeply contorted confusion that is US income tax. It's almost like you have to tell them exactly what every dollar was thinking when you received it.

Hi all. I was discharged from IP today. I went to the psych ER at 7:30 last Monday AM, got to the hospital by 3:30pm, unheard of. I was expecting to be there well into the evening. Good for me. They sent me to the same facility I was in back in may/June and I was very unhappy because I didn’t want to deal with that dr again.

However, they put me on a different wing and it was as good as it gets. There were only 8 of us (very small wing, used to be dual dx that they use for psych now) and it was the same eight of us from Wednesday on. When I finally came out of my room on Thursday evening we all got to know each other very well. It was nice and quiet. Boring as always, but I ended up going to some groups in the end.

Best part was it was a different doctor and she was so nice and compassionate. She convinced me to go back on vraylar, saying it was basically made for people like me, and since I have a GI appt next week anyway I can try it and if the abdominal pain comes back I can work on that with the GI dr. So I’m now on 4.5mg vraylar and only 100-150mg regular seroquel for sleep which I hope to reduce as time goes on.

I was so extremely lucky with this experience, and especially because I went in of my own volition, if it had been terrible I would be discouraged from ever returning should I need it.

I really feel 100% better, and this is the first time I actually feel truly confident. I know now that it is not a disaster or a failing of any kind should I have to go again for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s just necessary. Since I went and got everything straightened out quickly, I can return to work in a couple of weeks instead of May or even being gone for the rest of the year.

Yes, I am returning to work in a couple of weeks, giving myself a much needed break and time to make sure the meds continue to work here at home. I have to get my sleep straightened out, I’ve been waking up at 2-3 AM and staying awake. It was awful IP because I really couldn’t do anything except lay there and wait for sunrise. At least if it happens here I can get up and watch TV or something. But I think it will stop as I adjust back home.

Thanks to everyone here for supporting me and helping me make the appropriate decision. Obviously I can’t catch up with a week’s worth of posts but I do hope everyone is doing as well as can be for yourself. I look forward to jumping back in and being able to offer my support!

Welcome back Wildflower!

Great news wildflower, and probably encouraging to other people who need to do this.

I’m glad you had a good experience wildflower. That’s an important part of healing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Hi all. I was discharged from IP today. I went to the psych ER at 7:30 last Monday AM, got to the hospital by 3:30pm, unheard of. I was expecting to be there well into the evening. Good for me. They sent me to the same facility I was in back in may/June and I was very unhappy because I didn’t want to deal with that dr again. However, they put me on a different wing and it was as good as it gets. There were only 8 of us (very small wing, used to be dual dx that they use for psych now) and it was the same eight of us from Wednesday on. When I finally came out of my room on Thursday evening we all got to know each other very well. It was nice and quiet. Boring as always, but I ended up going to some groups in the end. Best part was it was a different doctor and she was so nice and compassionate. She convinced me to go back on vraylar, saying it was basically made for people like me, and since I have a GI appt next week anyway I can try it and if the abdominal pain comes back I can work on that with the GI dr. So I’m now on 4.5mg vraylar and only 100-150mg regular seroquel for sleep which I hope to reduce as time goes on. I was so extremely lucky with this experience, and especially because I went in of my own volition, if it had been terrible I would be discouraged from ever returning should I need it. I really feel 100% better, and this is the first time I actually feel truly confident. I know now that it is not a disaster or a failing of any kind should I have to go again for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s just necessary. Since I went and got everything straightened out quickly, I can return to work in a couple of weeks instead of May or even being gone for the rest of the year. Yes, I am returning to work in a couple of weeks, giving myself a much needed break and time to make sure the meds continue to work here at home. I have to get my sleep straightened out, I’ve been waking up at 2-3 AM and staying awake. It was awful IP because I really couldn’t do anything except lay there and wait for sunrise. At least if it happens here I can get up and watch TV or something. But I think it will stop as I adjust back home. Thanks to everyone here for supporting me and helping me make the appropriate decision. Obviously I can’t catch up with a week’s worth of posts but I do hope everyone is doing as well as can be for yourself. I look forward to jumping back in and being able to offer my support!

Hi wfc! Thank you for checking in, and welcome back Besides the inevitable boring, it sounds like your IP experience was beneficial and productive. I am so glad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I see my therapist tommorow and I'm going to be honest with her and talk about things but I'm not really sure how to be honest without being too honest. I want to just say I feel like you are creeped out by me and I am not sure what I did wrong but if you think I am transfering my feelings from my old therapist onto you I'm not. Like I don't want to outright accuse her of being paranoid but I want her to know that shes seeing things that are just not there. And the things she says bothers me. Like when she calls me creepy and weird. I don't know. I tried all this with my last therapist and she assumed I meant things werent working out and terminated me immediatly. Whatever happened to working through issues?

A talented therapist will work through issues. I strongly support your plan to be 100% honest with your T tomorrow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I got out today. Man! Gas! I had .74 cents per gallon off thank goodness and had to use it before it expired. So I went today as it’s a brilliant day. Up into the low 40’s. Like March tomorrow dips back into the 20’s. My sister came today at 7am because she thought mum’s results appointment was today. But it’s Friday morn. We want someone with her to hear the results of her heart tests. As I’m deaf and can’t read lips though the masks my sister was going to go. But now Friday is up in the air as it’s going to snow Thursday and maybe Friday morning. She lives an hour away. So, we shall see. I’m just tugging along. Doing the basics. They have to be done. My pdoc appointment is now two weeks away. Spreading purple soothing rays throughout the thread. to all and crumb cake too.

Oh, I used to love crumb cake when I was a little girl. I haven't had any for years.

Yes, the gas prices are really bad, and I'm thinking they're most likely going to get worse. It's just under $7/gallon for regular here.

Welcome back WFC!

Just be totally honest you are only hurting yourself if you hold back. The only time that I hold back is if I am worried if I will hurt someone's feelings.

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Still no hot water, which means we certainly won't have any in the morning, either.

I had the appointment with my psychiatrist. It went pretty well. She wouldn't raise my Zoloft (concern about serotonin syndrome...I really don't think that would be a likely issue, but she comes up with some odd concerns). She did agree to increase the Gabapentin by 300mg. I believe that's the med that's most helping with hellish anxiety, so I'm hopeful about that increase. Amazingly, she agreed to prescribe 12.5mg. of Seroquel for sleep - buuut, only enough for half a month. She doesn't want me to take it every night. That makes no sense to me, but at least I'll have it sometimes. It will be nice to sleep well...sometimes


I did not tell her that I still have 1/2 a bottle of Seroquel from my previous pdoc. Being able to get decent sleep makes life so much more bearable, as we all know. So I figure that I have at least a month of good sleep. After that, I can supplement the Seroquel with ZzzQuil or other otc sleep meds. Melatonin. Whatever.

Well I actually took a shower today I had gotten into the habit of only taking a shower on Fridays since my wife passed away. When my wife passed away I don't know how long I went without taking a shower and my kid was over and she gave me a hug before she left and she told me I stunk and that I needed a shower lol. I absolutely hate the fact that my wife passed away but if anything good has come from it is my relationship with my kid it is the best it has ever been. I love it that we don't ***** foot around telling each other something we both just get right to it. I really love my kiddo she means the world to me I wish I could give her some relationship advice but like I said before I refuse to get involved.

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Years ago my mom gave me like 4 or 5 bottles of seriquil and I took either 1 or two that night I slept for almost 2 days lol my wife actually threw them all away.

You know I might ask my doctor for a script of that I take Ambien but I still only sleep like 4 or 5 hours a night. Thanks for bringing that up I had forgotten how well it made me sleep.

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Now- for my appointment...

I saw someone who was working with the doctor I actually had the appointment with- he was learning OB/GYN stuff even though he really was going to be something else. However, he asked good questions and gave me good answers to my questions. After a while, the doctor I had scheduled with joined us.

She wants me to get bloodwork- which I did after my appointment- to check to see if I'm in menopause or peri menopause. She said a hormone level gets higher when you're in peri - a hormone that has to do with getting you to ovulate. Might be FSH, not sure. She also said my bleeding was likely not due to taking the IUD out and that the progesterone in it just sits locally and doesn't get into your blood stream. She wants me back in 3 months to see if I want an IUD again if the bleeding keeps up. There's no guarantee that I'll have another period or bleeding episode but she's putting me on oral progesterone once a day and twice a day if I have have heavy bleeding again. One can never tell if I'm going to have another bleeding episode again.

She said it's okay for the lining to not release after it's built up but I still find this odd. She said the lining doesn't build up as much with the Mirena IUD and it shouldn't on the pills either. I asked if the progesterone pills have anything to do with my blood clot history but she said no, that's just estrogen.

She did a manual check of my cervix and uterus and ovaries along with looking at my cervix. Everything seemed normal but she wants to verify so I have to get a transvaginal ultrasound. With that, they want you to drink ungodly amounts of liquid an hour before your appointment and not pee until your appointment is over! I remember those days! I still don't understand how the full bladder makes it easier to see other body parts, but whatever. I guess I'll literally have to suck it up and drink that much!

In 3 months, I have scheduled an IUD placement appointment just in case I want another one if I continue to bleed like this. I bet I don't have another period or any bleeding once I'm on the progesterone pills.

As for the bleeding it's turning brown with some red still and its barely there anymore. I've been fooled by it before though- think its ending and then more red bleeding and clots. It's got to end soon though, I would think, being that this is day 4.

I was on Seroquel for about 15 days at one point to help my sleep too. It helped me, it seemed to reset my sleep.

I still have sleep problems now but I'm on latuda and remeron which make me very tired and result in at least 9 hours sleep. My pdoc tells me it's the depression that's causing the sleep issues for me.

I'm glad the gabapentin is helping you. I also got a lot of benefit from it when I was on it. The only downside is that I had to take 3 pills, 3 times a day.

Welcome back @wildflowerchild25! I'm glad you found IP helpful.

I had a good ZOOM drop-in. I really enjoyed it. Otherwise it was a quiet day. Morning anxiety burnt off nicely as the hours passed. I snuggled my dog and trimmed her bangs so she can see clearly again. I took her out for an exercise break. My one close neighbor agreed to take us for her grooming so that is a weight off my mind. I feel good. So what if i'm mildly depressed and can't play Scrabble or watch soaps because i'm no longer over-medicated and am too sensitive? I've played Scrabble for twenty years and soaps were just poisoning my mind with oppressive messages about women and weight, women and beauty, women and men. I'm awake during the daytime now and sleeping at night now and if all i can do is look out the window in the daytime and watch the fireplace app in the evening, it's still an improvement. At least my days aren't total chaos anymore.

@wildflowerchild25:

Welcome back! Delighted to hear IP was productive!

@BethRags:

Sorry to hear about the fluke with the water. That's aggravation you don't need.

So we're seriously considering moving to San Francisco. H's Best friend is there. With the mood he's been in I've been thinking about divorcing him. Honestly I'm not in the best mood but the fighting between father and son really getting to me. I don't think they're fighting will end until Miguel moves out. H needs to be around someone else that can help speak into his life. I need to be around someone I trust if anything happens to H because he has several health issues and we're not getting younger. I don't want to be dependent on Miguel if H can't care for me. I need my teeth fixed, I need to be in walking distance from things to do. Best time to do it is now as we don't like our providers and it's only a matter of time until h looses insurance. I got a glimpse of it and I don't like it.

I have been observing myself the last week or two and I think I am starting to become a little manic. I asked my kid that if she thought I was becoming manic to say something to me and she told me I will. I am buying a new motorcycle here in the next month or so but that is not one of the reasons I am thinking I am manic cause this was a long term goal. The thing I noticed though is I have spent like $500 on motorcycle upgrades for a motorcycle I don't even own yet lol. I also bought a $600 leather motorcycle jacket. The thing that made me start to think I was manic though is the way I write things out here and other forums. I have noticed my spelling has gotten really bad and sometimes I will write something out and reread it latter and it confuses me at times lol. It is like I am all over the place with the things I write like I will jump from one thought to another and then back to the original thought. I was thinking that it might be from the depression and grief from the death of my wife. I don't remember hardly anything from the first 3 or 4 months after she died and my memory has been real spotty even after that time. The thing is that I have noticed is I have been doing and have been able to stop certain things. Like I noticed I was spending a good amount on my credit card and I figured that out like the middle of last week and I was able to stop spending money on my credit card and I went back to just my normal spending money habit no problem. The thing about the stuff that I bought for the motorcycle is stuff I was originally going to buy anyways the leather jacket well I look real good in it lol. I don't know what is going on with me I have been in a daze since my wife died and I am really confused. I'm not trying to justify the money I spent but then again maybe I am lol. Thanks for reading this I greatly appreciate it.

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@otroo, it's good that you are doing a mood check on yourself and have asked your daughter to keep an eye on it, too. Do you have a psychiatrist? Maybe give him/her a call soon. When I become increasingly manic my writing and speech are usually affected. As for showering, don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe add two more showers per week by putting them on a calendar? Every day showering isn't mandatory unless you have a job. Really. A shower can make us feel better, though. I see it as a task that always does, yet still oddly neglect it.

@wildflowerchild25, such good news that you feel better and the hospitalization was more pleasant! Again and again I see only good stuff about Vraylar. Perhaps someday I will keep it in mind for myself, if needed. I hope it remains a good one for you.

@BethRags, I'm crossing my fingers that your hot water is restored today. A hot bath/shower could be a real treat.

@whatever2013, I sometimes put the fireplace on my TV. We used to actually have a real one in our old house. I hope your mood lifts soon and you get back to Scrabble. Frig that whole unreasonable stuff about "what a woman is SUPPOSED to look like". You are beautiful! I remember a while back you, yourself, acknowledging that. Depression causes a form of "stinkin' thinking". Sometimes we need to imagine depression as an angry devil and give it a good ole' New Jersey style double middle finger.

I’ve only slept 2 hours so far. I am having extreme anxiety. I think I’m just overwhelmed being home. I have a lot to do. Mostly little things but enough little things to make a big thing. Three important things - finishing my leave of absence claim, calling work to let them know my return date, And finishing the intake forms for my pdoc’s office. I then have to call my pdoc’s office to set up an intake appt. I will not be shocked if they say they never received the discharge summary.

It is supposed to be miserable out today so I’m going to try to go to the gym instead of going for a walk. That IP bed really messed up my back. I had to get up at 6am yesterday and wander around the lounge for 2 hours because it hurt too bad to lay down/sit. Since it’s staying light out for longer and getting warmer, I’m going to try to get in the habit of going to the gym after work. My son likes playing outside after school when it’s warm so he won’t mind if I’m late picking him up. I’ve decided I’m no longer going to be self conscious about how I look due to my weight. I’m going to practice eating healthier and exercising to lose the seroquel weight simply to fit back in my pants and I know it will reduce my snoring and help ease the back pain.

I’m going to call the vet about my other cat, her asthma is just so bad and she desperately needs to lose weight. She also needs surgery. I’m going to use some of my inheritance from my nana to pay for it, she’s just in too much pain, I can’t stand watching her limp around anymore.

I don’t feel manic, it’s just my sleep that’s messed up. I’m not euphoric and I’m not exhibiting any other of my usual manic symptoms. I had slight paranoia in the hospital but by the time I got to 4.5mg vraylar it had gone.