Bipolar check-in #63

@wildflowerchild25 I wrote you a message that disappeared--I think--the main thing is that I think you're doing great trying to keep yourself together and I wish you success.

Absolutely stunning weather, all windows wide open to catch the light breeze.

Besides that, the usual report lately...so tired. I have a larger than usual amount of laundry to wash, but I am thinking that I will lie down and attempt a nap before delving into carrying the heavy laundry down and up stairs to the laundry room.

I saw something on the news that is interesting. When Russia blacked out the last remaining free world news show, the owner played "Swan Lake" on repetition. Probably only a very few of us can recall when Mikhail Baryshnikov, at the time Russia's super-star premier Bolshoi ballet dancer, defected to the U.S. The Bolshoi Ballet is considered the greatest in the world; Russians traditionally revere ballet. When Baryshnikov defected I was in high school and deeply involved with dance. His defection was huge news all over the world; it was very exciting. So the journalist playing Swan Lake repetitively (with Baryshnikov as it's premier dancer) sent quite a message.

I was reading about NATO last night, I hadn't known that there are 30 countries belonging to NATO. Many of the Eastern Block countries belong. And of course, many of those border Russia. A lot remains to be seen with this war.

You’re so right @BethRags a lot does remain to be seen by this war! It’s utterly despicable.
I’m glad the weather is lovely for you
How’s Sidney?

I’m sorry I’m feeling down and very tired. It’s been really really hard this weekend to pretend I’m ok. It’s so much effort, I feel like crying. I’m staying at my friends tonight but I’m in bed alone which is helping me feel calmer.
I’m so hyper anxious. My hands and voice are constantly trembling.
I just want to go home
I’m sorry to read that others are struggling. I hope things go better for you if you are struggling

I am way too low on my daily calories and I try to be perfect and stick to a certain number. But I also try to watch my carbs as well. So right now even though my calories are low my carbs are high and a piece of cheese would put me at over 200 carbs which I won't do. So I'm just going to have to stick with my low calories and be ok if I don't lose. But I got my groceries picked up from Walmart. And I got my med box filled. I didn't get my laundry done. I'll do it tommrow. Considering I wanted to go to the other store this morning on a weekend is kind of a big deal. I doubled bagged 2 big bottles of water and 2 frozen burritos and a package of cheese, all were bagged togther, and the manager at self checkout gave me a dirty look. They must be low on bags I guess. So I didn't double bag my 2 cartons of milk.

I ordered a T shirt this morning that said "protect trans kids". I hope I am comfortable wearing it. I do not try to draw attention to myself, and certainly not in this way, but this is a very important issue.

The onIy change I've noticed since going off the testosterone is my severe nightime hot flashes are gone and I can sleep with actual blankets again instead of just a light throw. Although I do miss being on it and am antsy to start it again. I am starting to get jealous again of all the trans people who can be on hormones. But I need to keep telling myself this is only temporary.

Putin wont last long. People won't keep putting up with him.

Did you see any physical diffrences when you quit dairy? If thats what you did I mean. I've heard dairy can cause bloating and other stuff.

I just quit cold turkey. I didn't try to go off it slowly. I didn't think you had to with food.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny You’re so right @BethRags a lot does remain to be seen by this war! It’s utterly despicable. I’m glad the weather is lovely for you How’s Sidney?

Thank you, Pinny

Sidney is transitioning to a new food that is supposed to be especially helpful for diabetic cats and she has a new vial of insulin. Her dose this week is low because I'm kind-of "rebooting" her system. I will raise her dose next week. So her glucose is on the high side, but she's not going way up/way down.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I am way too low on my daily calories and I try to be perfect and stick to a certain number. But I also try to watch my carbs as well. So right now even though my calories are low my carbs are high and a piece of cheese would put me at over 200 carbs which I won't do. So I'm just going to have to stick with my low calories and be ok if I don't lose. But I got my groceries picked up from Walmart. And I got my med box filled. I didn't get my laundry done. I'll do it tommrow. Considering I wanted to go to the other store this morning on a weekend is kind of a big deal. I doubled bagged 2 big bottles of water and 2 frozen burritos and a package of cheese, all were bagged togther, and the manager at self checkout gave me a dirty look. They must be low on bags I guess. So I didn't double bag my 2 cartons of milk. I ordered a T shirt this morning that said "protect trans kids". I hope I am comfortable wearing it. I do not try to draw attention to myself, and certainly not in this way, but this is a very important issue. The onIy change I've noticed since going off the testosterone is my severe nightime hot flashes are gone and I can sleep with actual blankets again instead of just a light throw. Although I do miss being on it and am antsy to start it again. I am starting to get jealous again of all the trans people who can be on hormones. But I need to keep telling myself this is only temporary. Putin wont last long. People won't keep putting up with him.

The t-shirt sounds terrific. What an important message.

I know it's so hard to be patient, but you'll be back on testosterone before you know it.

Yeah...Putin may just turn out to be his own worst enemy.

The first nine hours of the day were misery. I tried hobby after hobby and couldn't tolerate any of them. It didn't help that it was yet another crappy windy Winter day. Then 5:00pm rolled around and i magically felt better, as sometimes happens. I ordered-in some veggie samosas from a new place as my old place is no longer listed on the app. I am always uneasy ordering from a new place as it's so often disappointing.

But these samosas were great! Not the best i've ever had but pretty darn good. I was really pleased and it makes me so happy to eat vegetarian. I've been listening to music and experimenting with Spotify which i just started with. I have about twelve 'liked' songs. Experienced users probably have thousands. Ha!

Feeling good but wishing i could eke out more than five hours of pleasure out of the day, as i'll feel good from 5:00pm to bedtime at 10:00pm. Better than no hours, i guess. Still feeling my mild persistent Winter depression. It struck me today that it's pretty amazing i've made it to 55 considering all the suffering i've endured. I've outlived my dad and brother already.

It's not much of a life recently tho but that's because of COVID, i don't think anyone is dancing on tables. Our province moved the end of the mask mandate up to March 21 which i am so delighted about, it's been a real ordeal for me.

Well, enjoying the forum and reading everyone's news. It's a tame way of socializing. Wishing all of you the best, my friends!

Time change tonight! Already. I still don't understand why we have to do the time change. Seems so disruptive.

David is coming over tonight so we can work on tax stuff. He hates doing it, so tends to get defensive and snappy. I really have to practice not taking his attitude personally. Not worth an argument. I am so done with previous years of arguments with him, I simply refuse to engage anymore.

I did the laundry today, but didn't nap. Nor did I mop, but I will do that chore tomorrow. Now it's time for supper and to watch something so I don't get stuck in memories of sweet springtimes when my children were little things. Life was truly so innocent back then. Anyway, I'm stuck between Vienna Blood and War and Peace. I remember you saying you watched Vienna Blood, Nammu?

I'm on my phone- the laptop is really acting up so I have to type with one finger on my phone and it's tedious. My day was ok. I got up and had Tim Hortons then straightened the kitchen which it needed badly. I also did the dishes. I found a cup that is just about exactly the amount I need to drink on Wednesday before my ultrasound. I'm not looking forward to it. There won't be anything to see, anyway. Just my ovaries and uterus and maybe cervix. I doubt I have any mature follicles at this point as an interesting point to look at. That's even if my cycle this time wasn't just brought on by taking out the IUD. I took a long nap today- I was so cozy under my weighted blanket and comforter! Being surrounded by the weighted blanket is what I imagine being in the womb is like- even though I was cheated out of the last 9 weeks of gestation by being born early! Otherwise, it was a fairly uneventful day. N3 came over in just a sweatshirt and shorts! Well he had socks and shoes on but it was a real feel of 3°F today! Plus I gave him the keys to my apartment so he can get the mail while I'm gone but made a point to tell him that he may not just come over without announcing himself and let himself in while I'm still here.

Really depressed right now.

I got hit on last night by a lady that was our friend been a few years since we hung out last tough. She used to be really attractive. She was a personal trainer and she is just a nice person. Well we were chatting online and she invited me over twice for a night cap lol. I declined but I am confused my wife and her were really good friends. My wife was the like 2nd one she called when she had walked into her house and her son had committed suicide. I just am not interested in anyone else at least for now. I know I did the right thing. Maybe we could do lunch who knows. I am getting lonely talking to myself and the dogs lol. I do miss talking to a female though I chat online all day with my daughter and I hang out and talk to my mom but those don't count.

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@Mountaindewed

I had been having a lot of abdominal cramps and related problems and they stopped. It was great! As far as I remember, I just totally quit all at once, and I've never heard anything about needing to do it gradually. Just, if you stop milk and milk products long term, be sure you're getting enough calcium.

You can probably get a lactose tolerance test, which is relatively simple, a lot like a glucose tolerance test, at a doctor's office or they can refer you to a lab. Nobody suggested it for me; they gave me a whole uncomfortable expensive set of barium tests instead! When that didn't show anything, I went to a health food store and bought some lactose, ate a lot, and then AARRRRGHHH! Lactose intolerance all right. I don't suggest doing this.

Good luck finding the source of your problem. I know how yucky digestive issues can be.

I'm doing better. I actually slept AGAIN! Three nights in a row! This is eerie.

This was the day I was supposed to increase lamotrigine from 50 mg to 100, the minimum that's effective for me. But I was thinking, if you're supposed to take 25 mg for 2 weeks, then 50 for 2 weeks, then why is it okay to then jump to 100? So, being the worrier that I am by nature, I'm splitting pills and taking 75 for a few days. That's probably doubly ridiculous since I took the stuff for years and never had a bad reaction.

Oh well, at least the medication isn't keeping me from being the real me--more cautious than anyone I know.

If that's all I can find to complain about things must be pretty good, huh?

You said it sister. Both of my babies were born in May. That was before 9/11, and one of them was before AIDS--it was still rare when the second one was born. Before school shootings, before I had any notion that I had the family mood curse....

Ah well, at least we had that peaceful time.

I was wondering why I slept so late. Now I remember about the time time change. At least I slept good and through the night for once and and was in bed until the time I normally am in bed until. If there was a night to sleep good, last night would be it.

Hopefully it went good for you too.

Thank you for your concern! I feel better now. I think I will be ready in time and my family members will be back from the country side and help me to place "things" in my new home when the moving van has left.

@tentoedsloth if I see and feel a diffrence by cutting it out then I don't plan on getting tested. I'll just assume thats what it is. I am just so tired of doctors and getting painful tests done. I will bring it up to my doctor though the next time I see him for routune stuff and let him decide what to do if anything.

My mom's ended up getting only 6 inches of snow but the winds were brutal. She lost power for a couple hours and there are branches everywhere out there. Yesterday was weird. My dad absolutely had to pick me up and bring me to the hobby shop and spend half his savings there. It was freezing rain here. I think I'm going to stay for a few days. I really need to get a place of my own.

Not as depressed this morning

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Yesterday was difficult. I think the lack of sleep caught up with me bc in the afternoon I had a mini breakdown and started crying to RS about my hopelessness and how I felt like an a-hole because of how my mind has been working lately. I was so irritable yesterday but apparently I didn’t show it bc when I apologized for it RS didn’t know what I was talking about. So that’s good.

One exciting thing though is we are definitely going to Florida over spring break! I realize Florida is a terrible state for lgbtq+ and others, law and opinion wise, so I would NEVER move there, but visiting in April will be nice. It won’t be as uncomfortable as North Carolina was last year because we’re only going with RS’s parents, not his aunt and cousins too. And it’s only for five days. We’re trying to find flights and it looks like the cheapest one is out of Philly…at 5:30 am and coming back it doesn’t seem there are any nonstop flights but I don’t mind a layover, but RS does, but if we can’t find one then he’s gonna have to deal.

I feel better today bc I dosed myself with 200mg seroquel to make sure I slept through the night and didn’t wake up for the stupid cat begging for food. I’m a bit hyped though. But thankfully we have plans, going to my grandmas and then to RS’s parents to figure out the flights since RS and I have never booked flights before.

When is the first day of Spring? I'm so sick of snow! It's snowing pretty heavily right now- make that very heavily!- and the roads are slick. I just talked with N3 and he's at church- it just got over. I told him to be careful driving home. Anyway, it doesn't matter when the first day of Spring is because it will just snow whenever it likes! Even maybe 3 years ago it snowed in MAY!! Man the snow is really coming down!

ETA:. Sunday March 20th.

Meteorological spring started March 1st, astronomical spring starts march 20th.

I'm thinking I've been hypomanic for the past couple days. My thoughts have been racing and I've been super duper outgoing and confident (even more so than normal lol). My dad is hypomanic too, but his manifests as doing a million different hobbies and spending money on them. I see my new NP tomorrow so hopefully she'll help me out. I think I'm going to ask to cross taper zyprexa->invega and maybe add depakote. I wish I could still take lithium. I'd do well on just an invega/lithium combo but my kidneys can't take Li2CO3.

I'm doing good today. Since I actually slept last night for once the time change isn't messing with me too much. My shirt came very early. I used my moms prime account so I ordered it yesterday morning and it came in 24 hours. It fits and looks great. I put it out on my bed and walked away for 5 minutes and when I came back my very dirty slightly smelly long haired black cat was sleeping right on top of the shirt. I was very confused and he ran off, there wasn't much fur on it but I used the lint roller anyways. That cat never gets on my bed.

Other then that I've just been doing nothing but laundry. I started the show Love Is Blind the other night and I'm waiting for the drama to happen. I just started episode 4 and most of it has just been mushy love stuff. I'm also watching Celebrity Big Brother season 2. Now thats good TV drama.

But I woke up at 4:15 and for once I didn't have a massive stomach ache or anxiety or confusion. I was up for a bit and then around 5 something I focused my mind on an episode of The Facts Of Life as a bit of mindfullness and was able to get back to sleep some more. So I'm not sure if its the change in hormones or change in diet but I am feeling better. My mom went to the store and got more dairy free cheese and burritos and some lunch meat.

only good thing Ican think that's come out of today, is that I've nt overdone it on snacks (I've had takeout 2 nights in a row, so having a break, or trying to). tonight I'm having roast, the thought is making me throw up.. my roasts taste like carpet

aside from not eating snacks, I've felt terrible- literally terrible. I'm not even sure their's a word to describe how I feel.