Bipolar check-in #64

I feel like moving my pdoc appointment up is kinda unecessary now. I think taking the geodon as prescribed has made a ton of difference in how I've felt mental health wise. Its just a hassle making a whole trip out of it that involves a hotel and eating out and stuff. Plus I wouldn't be sure what excatly to tell him if my anxiety has improved because I am now taking my meds correctly that I was taking incorrectly for so long. I mean, duh, of course things are going to improve if I start doing things like I'm supposed to. So idk.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Sending well wishes to all members here. Yesterday we visited my brother in the hospital and did various errands and took a walk. It's nice to see and hear the wildlife native to New Jersey. Though Czech Republic also has doves, they sound a bit different than the mourning doves here. Here their coo is more soothing and romantic. We also drove to my childhood home town to see the tax man who always does our US based taxes. He's an extremely lovely man, a real townie and character, who has known my family basically forever. There is a comfort in being part of a community of strong ties. Being "known". Today we'll meet my sister and nephew for lunch, nearby. My nephew was released from the hospital (psych) yesterday. Afterwards he's doing intake at an IOP. We may also stop by my dad's assisted living facility for a brief visit and remind him about our trip to the shore tomorrow. Also, we have errands, wish to take a nature walk, then meet a good friend for dinner. The shock of all the chaos has eased and we're making the best of the situation. I've been chowing down a lot. I need to curb it. I have also had some outbursts of mood (irritability/anger). I hope that's passed.

The mood issues may be the result of having your circadian rhythms disrupted - and on top of that, the tremendous stress you (literally) landed into. I'm glad to hear that things have calmed, and I hope your mood evens out.

How interesting, about the doves having a different sound! There's a Mourning Dove outside of my bedroom; it was away all winter, then one day, it returned. It coos so softly and lovely.

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Originally Posted by Scooter9 I stopped my Klonopin last Friday (15th) to see how things are going now that I've been on 30 mg of Trintellix for a month. Things are still the same - lots of anxiety. I'm trying to get by without the Klonopin but I don't know if I can do it longer term.

Klonopin is a harsh mistress. All the tolerance issues - yet it can be a very helpful med. What about Gabapentin? I have severe anxiety and to my amazement, Gabapentin has helped it quite a lot. No noticeable side effects.

I heard from my therapist's office and she wants me to come in bi-weekly still. She had the (wonderful) receptionist give me that psychiatrist's supervisor's direct email so I can send the complaint to him.

I haven't been there in at least a month. I expect an email or call from her today. You guys, I don't know what to do. I hate it there now. I miss her, but the thought of going to that place makes me feel sick. I guess I'll throw it out to the universe and hope. Should I call the new clinic and ask them what their procedure is for getting in to see a therapist? Or should I give it more time?

btw, Sapien, are you out there?
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I just received this email from my therapist. I guess I'll remove the names, just in case someone on the forum knows these people. Not like I feel like protecting that pdoc bi*ch.

Hello Beth,
I am so sorry to read about your struggles with your mental health status and Dr. xxx. I am relieved that you have connected with a new psychiatrist whom I hope feels more supportive of you. I am supportive of your right to complain about mental health services that did not serve you well. I would like to suggest we continue our therapy sessions to allow a safe place for you to express and release your feelings and thoughts about your traumatic experience as described in your email. I am also surprised but yet not (you predicted it) the breakup of your daughter’s marriage. It would be good for us to process that also. I understand if you feel aversion to entering the clinic but would like to encourage you to reconsider continuing therapy not only for releasing feelings and thoughts but support in continuing to learn new Mindfulness/CBT exercises/techniques. In addition, I miss seeing you. Let me know. Please continue to take care.



See, I am so fed up with hearing about CBT. I get it. I use it as much as it's helpful, which (for me) is minimal. If I see a new T I will tell her that if she mainly uses CBT it won't be a good fit.

I had a decent night of sleep, but now I feel worn out. Haha, on top of all the therapy crap I bought a marionberry hand pie from a lovely kind-of gourmet grocery store and it was moldy Gross. I called their bakery and the woman there offered another hand pie. I told her probably not I'd rather have credit for something else, but I didn't feel motivated to suggest that.

Beth, I’m with you on CBT. Not helpful at all for me. DBT is moderately helpful, at least a few things. But CBT is a waste of time for me.

I hope you find a way to get back with this therapist. It seems you have a good rapport with her though I cannot be sure. It’s a shame she moved to such a dreary area.

Thanks Beth.

I tried gabapentin years ago and it worked really well. The problem was having to take all those pills. I was up to 3 pills 3 times a day and I found that difficult to manage, so my pdoc and I stopped it.

After that I went on lamictal and that took care of things until I had to stop that too (allergic reaction) after several years.

Been frozen solid all day long. This cup of hot chocolate is just hitting the spot

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Beth, I’m with you on CBT. Not helpful at all for me. DBT is moderately helpful, at least a few things. But CBT is a waste of time for me. I hope you find a way to get back with this therapist. It seems you have a good rapport with her though I cannot be sure. It’s a shame she moved to such a dreary area.

Thank you, wfc. I think if one more person tells me to do CBT I'll puke on their shoes.

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Originally Posted by Scooter9 Thanks Beth. I tried gabapentin years ago and it worked really well. The problem was having to take all those pills. I was up to 3 pills 3 times a day and I found that difficult to manage, so my pdoc and I stopped it. After that I went on lamictal and that took care of things until I had to stop that too (allergic reaction) after several years.

I understand about having to take all the pills. I take 6 Gaba pills per day. The afternoon ones are problematic in that I often forget to take them and end up taking them late. It's odd that a medication that is generally prescribed in higher dose isn't made in higher-dosed pills.

My husband never took gabapentin three times per day, but only two. Though he did use 100 mg pills in the morning, he had a bottle of 400 mg gabapentin pills for his evening dose. I believe he only ever had 100s and 400s to use.

I used to have to take a pile of lower dose (200 mg) carbamazepine pills per day to equal 1,400 mg. It was only years later after my dose went down to 800 mg that I could use two 400 mg pills per day. I'll confess that sometimes I yearned for doses that made fewer pills possible. Right now I take 550 mg Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) per day. That means a 300, a 200, and a 50 mg pill. Wish I could someday get down to 500 mg or even 300 mg. I was always opposed to 3x per day dosing, mostly because I so often forgot any afternoon doses.

Ugh, I just drove to the store to pick up my groceries and my order didn’t go though! Came back and saw I hadn’t finished the check out process. So I’ll go tomorrow again.

Beth I know you hate the new building but your T sounds nice. That would make it harder to choose. Still two blocks I think you said. I’d be very tempted. Cbt worked pretty well for me but I combined it with eastern philosophy and Buddhism thought. DBT to be sounds like that’s a lot of what it is. But back in the day cbt was all they really had, although I’ve done chair talk and role play too.

@BethRags, I agree with Nammu that the therapist sounds nice and legitamently concerned. It's ultimately up to you and what feels right, but perhaps it's worth a try...at least. Sometimes the dread we feel about a potential discomfort (i.e. environment) is surprisingly wiped away or eased, when we face it.

I've found for myself that therapy styles I couldn't benefit from at some point(s) suddenly became helpful later down the line. A time "must be right". I'll say that no therapy type helped me control my past anxiety better than CBT did (and still does). Nowadays I don't "do CBT with a therapist", but I use the skills very frequently. Do I use or like all of them? No! But some have been right for me. I have my individual needs and preferences based partially on my changing situations, my personality, and other factors. Way back 10 years ago, I couldn't "get" mindfulness, nor could I possibly practice it, given my mind frame and mood condition. Now, I am the biggest proponent. Truth is, I had previously fought against what was meant to heal me...to bring me to a good place again. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz who always had the path back to Kansas, but needed to journey to realize it.

I got my gastro appointment set up. The soonest they had was July. They said if things got worse to go to the ER. I picked up my zofran and my antacid/pain med combo. My primary stressed a couple times it had to be taken excatly 15 minutes before I ate breakfast. Not after. 15 minutes excatly before. I didn't ask what the big deal was but there must be something big. He said I have to take it every day and I can't skip a dose. He said thats really important too. I didn't have any solid foods today besides a brownie at midnight. Only a couple Slim Fasts and 2 iced tea lemonades and a Coke. I did get some little snacky stuff from Walmart I think I can eat. I had a good amount of pain after the second slim fast tonight but I used the heating pad for an hour and it seems to be ok now. I can take more tylenol in a bit and I'll probably sleep with an ice pack. I'm hoping this med works until I get into see the doctor because I don't want to go to the ER. My primary said the gastro doctor might decide to "scope" me and I worry about going under anethesia again because its not that I have a bad reaction to the stuff itself but its just I seem to get into these funky moods after getting procedures done whether I get anethesia or not. My therapist thinks my phelebotmy procedure tramatized me a bit and theres no guarantee I won't need a second one of those. I'll have 4 injections under my belt by the time the blood test is due to be done which is plenty of time for the blood level to go up. I'm a bit nervous.

I guess it was just the minor flirtation with the electrician that made me feel good yesterday. I woke up appalled that i had entertained romantic thoughts about him, so unrealistic. I guess i just got carried away.

I felt lousy today again so i booked with my doctor for a phone appointment tomorrow to discuss Wellbutrin. I don't know what my response to it will be as i'm having a different (intolerant) depression than before when i tried it and am also on less meds.

One way to find out!

Moose - I think you accidentally posted on Miss Laura's thread, thinking it was the check-in thread.

I don't blame you a bit about Caleb and the smoking. I was in a relationship with a man who was a heavy smoker and it was his top priority, truly addictive. It's lousy, feeling like the addiction comes before you do.

Hope things start to improve quickly.

Maybe talk to your pdoc about a possible med tweak ??

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I appreciate the input I've received and thank you!

The thing with CBT is that I first heard about it in my late teens. I went to a "rap group" (showing my age, there ), a bunch of friendly hippies older than I was sitting in a large circle with big throw pillows, on the floor of an old Victorian house. The facilitator encouraged the group members to read about and practice CBT. If I correctly recall, Aaron Beck originated the practice. I delved into it and got into practicing it with the same so-so success I have with it now. As for bipolar disorder and anxiety, CBT seemed to contribute to the problems, because I felt I was failing by not being able to succeed at CBT. That caused me to be anxious, depressed, and angry.

In my later 20's to mid-30's I practiced Buddhism intensively. I spent much time at Green Gulch Farm/Zen Center on the coast, just north of San Francisco. An absolutely truly magnificent place. My therapist back then was a practitioner of Zen Buddhism. I really got into it, and still use many of those wonderful techniques to this day. I once sat an 8 hour silent meditation (with one short break for a silent snack) - that was powerful. Like WOW powerful. It changed my life. But I sat zazen every day, usually twice per day. So yes, Buddhism has been a tremendous influence in my life, especially breath practice.

So I could go on with "credentials" - but my point is that when I walk into a therapist's office and they are all excited about teaching CBT to me it's disappointing. For me CBT is literally 42 years old in my life. I figure that if it would have been amazingly helpful for me it would have, by now. And like I say - I do obtain some value from CBT, but since my early 30's I haven't hit on the therapeutic technique(s) that I feel are as helpful as medication is.

Anyway. I called the new clinic and made an appointment for May 2nd to see a therapist there. It's so close to my home, I'll probably keep the appointment, mostly out of curiosity. A few days later I'm scheduled with my current T. And yes - she's an angel, a beautiful human being. And we do have a strong bond. All along, though, I have had a strong feeling that she's quite intrigued with me, but not quite sure what to do with me. I just don't know if there's anything more I can learn from her than I already have.

I know one thing. If I do keep the appt. with a (probably not, but potentially) new therapist, I am asking questions! I will be "interviewing" her before I tell her anything but the basics about myself. I want to know where she comes from, is she is/has she been married, kids or no...etc. I'm not interested in yet another therapist who is swooning over New Age culture. I have protection bells sprinkled with lilac essential oil hanging in my house and I love them, they're great, they're beautiful, I don't need a therapist to tall me about how I should hang protection bells in my home to help keep bad childhood memories away.

**~*Zafu cushions with golden mandalas on them all around~**~*

B is gonna love it !

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Like others I am not good at taking meds during the day. I take my whole gabapentin dose at night (1200 mg at 8:30 and 300 mg at 11 PM). This works well for me. Sometimes really well and sometimes just well but it's better than anything else has been.

I can’t wait til you are on the other side of this surgery. Meanwhile take the prn as needed. Your Pdoc is okay with it.

Hugging you really tight !

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I hope you reconsider Wellbutrin or another med. You deserve to not feel so hopeless or just settling with how life is right now.

Take care of you

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I bet the frames will look lovely! Has Maybelle (sp) moved in yet ?!

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I hate hate hate that your old provider caused so much hellish pain and suffering

Hard to imagine but eventually all that will fade as you process it. I’m glad you forwarded that complaint for your T to read !

Meanwhile. Try and be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible.

Much love

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Glad your trip is going well

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