Bipolar check-in #65

Sorry you're in so much pain beth. Can you call the pa and see if he'll add an ap? I know you don't want to start over with another t but this one isn't available enough for you. I have to see a t weekly or I start spinning down. I hope you can find something that occupies your mind that doesn't hurt. For me it's coloring. For you it maybe playing with you cats.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Oh, Beth, I hate this for you. It is indeed so painful and once again I must strongly recommend you look up ways to cope with the intense negative emotions of ptsd and BP. None of us here want you to get hurt. I don’t know if you have any around you, many do not, but what about partial hospitalization? But then, they may “recommend”, ie force, you into IP. At least that’s what has happened to me. So maybe that’s not really an option. I know seeing your T would help the most but if she’s just not available you need a backup plan. The distress tolerance module of DBT has been helpful to me. I don’t sign on to much of DBT but that is quite helpful, and some of the emotion regulation. A lot of it is rather hokey in IMO but not all of it. RE: the AP, I know you don’t want another med, believe me I know the feeling, but right now I’m telling myself it’s all just temporary and hopefully when the trauma emotions are more controlled I’ll be able to reduce. Maybe going on one for awhile will be what you need just to help you through this tough time. Many, many hugs to you

Thank you so much, wfc. The one problem with the town I live in is that although there is one very small IP unit in the hospital here, there are no programs. I'd do one in a NY minute; maybe I could even explain the situation with my cats so they would agree not to IP me. But there isn't anything. The NAMI groups were terrific for support if my T was out. For some reason the groups here have remained online. There are plenty of people who attend the NAMI groups who don't have internet access. I'm angry that they're keeping the groups online when everything else has opened up. It's ridiculous - and actually, it's on my list to contact them about the situation. I was a facilitator for 2 years, so they would likely take my concerns seriously.

Thank you for reminding me about DBT! I had forgotten about it. I keep trying to use CBT skills, but it's hard for me to remember it all, especially when my mind is spinning and I don't find CBT that great, anyway. I will go over DBT skills today, especially distress tolerance, which I clearly need.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am not feeling well mentally today. I wasn’t yesterday either. I think my conversation with my clinician may have brought some things up. Not sure. I reluctantly took seroquel last night, so I didn’t really remember my dreams. That’s good, I guess. At least my back is better now that I’ve rested.

I'm so sorry you're not feeling okay. It's good that you slept. Something I've noticed is that when I take an AP and sleep really deeply I wake up in less pain.

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Sorry you're in so much pain beth. Can you call the pa and see if he'll add an ap? I know you don't want to start over with another t but this one isn't available enough for you. I have to see a t weekly or I start spinning down. I hope you can find something that occupies your mind that doesn't hurt. For me it's coloring. For you it maybe playing with you cats.

Thank you, Mm. Yeah...I'm thinking that I need to call my PA tomorrow, see if I can get in for an appt. this week. *sigh* Here we go again.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I finally got myself onto a good sleep routine. I'm asleep ever night by 10pm and get up at 6am everyday, except on weekends I sleep in a little later. I'm enjoying the day by playing some videogames and reading. I got all my cleaning done yesterday so I can relax today. I feel really good mentally. I've been so much more productive and spend most of my time out of my bedroom where for the past year I spent most of my days inside my room not doing much of anything and always putting off cleaning because it felt like too much effort to manage. And I'm showering almost everyday too. I skip one day every now and then but I'm no longer going 3-5 days without showers. The cats are doing well. Maybelle has come out of her shell a lot. She loves to snuggle. She actually laid on me the other day while I was laying on the couch. She laid on my chest and purred. They're still a little hissy with each other, I think Mustachio is very jealous of Maybelle because Mustachio was an only cat for the first 6 or 7 months I had her, which is her whole life, now she's pissed whenever I pet Maybelle she gets mad and won't let me pet her. I'm sure they'll get over this. It will take some time. It's only been a little over 2 weeks since Maybelle got here. It could take a few months especially since Maybelle is 13 years old, she's frustrated that Mustachio keeps following her and harassing her all the time so she hisses at her when she gets near her. She grew up her entire life with dogs, not cats. So it will take some time for them to adjust to living together. Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

I am so happy to read your post! The sleep is key. In my opinion a 10 p.m. bedtime is ideal, if it can be managed. Good for you! It sounds all good with the kits. If I was an older lady I would be hissy if some little kid followed me around, too They'll work it out, like you say.

Oh, today is glorious! It’s another brilliant Minnesota day, only the highs were only in the 70’s, so perfect. I sat in the sun for a long time but then had to move to the shade. But the clouds are moving in so I’m not sure I’ll get to see the blood moon 🌙 tonight. 😔 I was looking forward to that. I think it’s supposed to be shortly after 11 pm our time, so I’d stay up for that. This morning I pulled a back muscle pouring my chai! Although I think it really was from the outside work I did yesterday. It hurt to breathe deep but the sun helped, now it’s just a twinge.

Mango banana smoothies to everyone with sprinkles on em. ✨

Last night I took an at home covid test. I tested negative. Those at home tests sure are easy I can understand why all the testing sites are closing. My mom got my insurance to cover 2 tests. It took awhile though for them to go through insurance. I took some safe with my meds cough syrup at 6PM and slept until 9 something and then took my AM meds (with food for once) at 1 and I got back to sleep and slept in super late until almost 8. My eating today has been fine. My moods and anxiety are fine. I'm still lethargic and under the weather physically. The bump when I swallow is still there but I'm pretty much used to it now so I'm not panicking about it. The meteor should be passing in about 15 minutes. Its a real big one and pretty close for a meteor but still a few million miles away. I ordered some shorts from Aeropostale and they came today and they fit but are slightly loose and are made of stretchy material so I'll return them for half 1/2 a size smaller since I assume based on the material they are going to stretch like the devil after an hour of wearing them and no amount of drying will work. I was looking forward to wearing them next week and all this returning is obnoxious especially since stores don't typically carry in between sizes in pants so I have to order them online.

Oh how I love mangos!
thank you!!!!!
bizi

Yes, I figured you may not have one. A benefit of living in a populated area is that there are more options for medical needs. There are three IPs with 35 minutes of me, as well as 4 PHP/IOP programs. I’m very lucky because I can “shop around”. I’ve been in all of them at some point during my life so I know which ones are the most helpful. I can’t control where I end up IP but I can choose my IOP.

It is a shame that nami groups are still online. I think there’s only a couple that that are in person here. Most are online.

I've been tired and achey this weekend. Went from barely sleeping to sleeping 12+ hours a night. I can barely keep up with THINGS to do

Ugh I went to my grandma’s and she gave me a whole bunch of **** to do for my mom. It’s so frustrating, I can’t delegate to my brother because he won’t do it. I have to take her car through inspection (it’s 4 years overdue), take her taxes to be done (hasn’t filed in 3 years), and renew her registration (due in March). She can’t do any of that herself because she’s a child in a grown woman’s body. I’m not mad anymore. I’m just frustrated that *I* have to do it all.

I talked to my brother and SIL and now I’m also tasked with getting my mom to commit to selling her house. I obviously am not going to be doing everything alone but I have to put in the emotional work to get her totally on board. My SIL says it’s not worth it if she’s not 100% committed and she’s right but I can’t get her to commit 100% by myself. My SIL said my mom needs to be in therapy before we start, but that’s just not going to happen. I’d have to do everything on that too. I’d literally have to find her a therapist and even make an appointment and she probably wouldn’t show up anyway. I’m not doing that.

But the fact is my SIL doesn’t have much empathy for her, and my brother is also too emotional, so again, I’m the only option.

I don’t know what to do. She NEEDS to get out. But if she won’t go to therapy…it’s a whole circle.

Sigh.

I was curious if there was any around here so I googled it. There’s substance abuse and kids iop about an hour away but curiously a php and iop that wasn’t in the twin cities( 2 hours north) was a city that’s even further away. I was surprised there wasn’t iop or php listed in Rochester since there was a write up in the papers a few years ago and they built a new huge MH facility. But it seems they don’t have iop or php. Just crisis units. There’s a few small ip units in towns near here but mostly people get driven hours away from here. I’m surprised that hasn’t changed! For all the articles and news about the lack of care nothing has changed. In Austin TX there was usually a couple choices. Mental health just doesn’t seem to get addressed outside of big cities.

Thank you so much Bizi. Love you

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My family had a really good time celebrating mom’s 87th, my 55th and M’s 23rd birthdays today. My sister got each of us May birthday gals our own individual little cakes. Mine was my favorite - carrot cake. Our neighbor from Thailand brought over a bunch of homemade egg rolls and fried noodles. Yum! That was in addition to the BBQ and fixings we already had. I am stuffed. It was great getting together.

Next week I need to start getting ready for my trip to Florida. I’ll need to get things in place for brother and mom for the week I’ll be gone and start packing. I’ll need the full two weeks to get ready before I go.

I’ve spent some great quality time with my best friend as well. It’s been a good day.

I hope everyone has a peaceful week. Hugs to all.

Beth I know how you feel about pictures, I feel you bone deep on that. Your smile is amazing your eyes were bright and shiny, your are simply a loving caring person that is just as pretty as you ever were, if I saw a current picture I guarantee your beautiful. Psych meds really suck when it comes to changing our bodies often into shapes and sizes that make us incredibly mad, sad and just plain angry.

AP’s ??!! I don’t know if you have tried Geodon in the past? My current combo of Geodon, Seroquel IR , Doxepin and Lamictal honestly have me the most stable I’ve been in a long time. Do I like being on 4 meds ? Absolutely not but each is part of the puzzle that seems to work well together. I’ve not gained since adding Geodon and Seroquel in in September not lost but better than gain.

Have you tried Invega ? Was weight neutral for me also.

I like Wild’s thoughts on your T not being available is a big part of the struggle your in. I fully agree. Nobody wants to start over, I dread the thought 13 years with mine, he’s 73 and he’s told me that he has no plans to retire and that he thinks it would be wise once he does to see some one.. I said I don’t wanna start over and he said you don’t have too. Just tell them you need not revisit things you have put to bed. Makes sense to me.

And for the hateful judge-y fools in that group ? They can go get stuffed ! You are taking care of Sydney and your other babies just fine. Her number might be slightly higher but that doesn’t mean it’s not controlled.

Okay I have sure rambled I hope it makes sense somehow. You know where to find me lol

Much love

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For the past hour I've been looking for places to go out to eat and checking out menus and stuff. Nothing sounded good though. I've lived here a year and I've gone out to eat maybe 8 times if that. I've eaten out while on vacations though. I then saw that the store had some Lunchables in stock. So I figured why spend $50 on a restuarant meal when I can have 10 meals for like $25. I do feel silly for eating Lunchables especially since I was looking at places like Outback that had prime rib but once I saw the Lunchables pizza and treatzas I was like "yeah thats what I want to do in the morning." My therapist doesn't give me a hard time about it. She's totally accepting. She is used to people with autism and she gets I don't have much of an appetite these days and she just doesn't like it when I restrict food and eat just a candy bar and a Mountain Dew for breakfast and not much else for the day. She brought up my bipolar which mental health people don't normally do. They normally just talk about my anxiety and my autism. I wonder if I am showing it more in my sessions with her.

I guess we are safe from the meteroite though.

Tomorrow I see Rheumatologist. I’ll have blood work after so I’ll know results on Tuesday. He’s really a great guy. I’m incredibly lucky with having wonderful Doctors.

I’m starting to really choke on food and pills again. Been building the last couple months

Thought I was going to die over a chicken wrap last night

I really need to have the esophageal dialation done again. But I still owe one more payment on the last time.

A l w a y s S o m e t h i n g

Many hugs and have some vanilla cake with real strawberries ~

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Ugh I went to my grandma’s and she gave me a whole bunch of **** to do for my mom. It’s so frustrating, I can’t delegate to my brother because he won’t do it. I have to take her car through inspection (it’s 4 years overdue), take her taxes to be done (hasn’t filed in 3 years), and renew her registration (due in March). She can’t do any of that herself because she’s a child in a grown woman’s body. I’m not mad anymore. I’m just frustrated that *I* have to do it all. I talked to my brother and SIL and now I’m also tasked with getting my mom to commit to selling her house. I obviously am not going to be doing everything alone but I have to put in the emotional work to get her totally on board. My SIL says it’s not worth it if she’s not 100% committed and she’s right but I can’t get her to commit 100% by myself. My SIL said my mom needs to be in therapy before we start, but that’s just not going to happen. I’d have to do everything on that too. I’d literally have to find her a therapist and even make an appointment and she probably wouldn’t show up anyway. I’m not doing that. But the fact is my SIL doesn’t have much empathy for her, and my brother is also too emotional, so again, I’m the only option. I don’t know what to do. She NEEDS to get out. But if she won’t go to therapy…it’s a whole circle. Sigh.

I have so been there. Right there. Wish I had some great wisdom to share about the situation. I can pretty much guarantee that you'd be wasting time making a therapy appointment for her, I'll say that much.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Tomorrow I see Rheumatologist. I’ll have blood work after so I’ll know results on Tuesday. He’s really a great guy. I’m incredibly lucky with having wonderful Doctors. I’m starting to really choke on food and pills again. Been building the last couple months Thought I was going to die over a chicken wrap last night I really need to have the esophageal dialation done again. But I still owe one more payment on the last time. A l w a y s S o m e t h i n g Many hugs and have some vanilla cake with real strawberries ~ Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ohhh, a mango smoothie and vanilla cake with real strawberries sounds like paradise.

I'm doing a fasting blood lab tomorrow, too. I'm glad to be doing it.

UGH to the swallowing thing. So darn scary. I need to get it checked out, too, but...

***A l w a y s S o m e t h i n g***

is spot on.

I'll be waiting to hear how it goes with the rheumatology appointment.

Love and hugs

I spent the day with N 3. We went to the botanical gardens. Inside the green house was way too warm so we went outside where there was a nice breeze. I think it was 83° or 85°. We wandered around looking at all the gardens. N 3 was nearly constantly looking at his phone. That kind of bothered me because I thought he should be present in the moment. We left after an hour and a little bit- We we're getting all sweaty. Surprisingly, there were more people there than I thought would be. Has anybody noticed that drinking fountains are not wrapped up anymore? I was so thirsty that I took a drink from one of the fountains at the gardens- so did N 3. I kinda thought that was a bad idea - but again I was really thirsty. Then we went to Dairy Queen and had ice cream. I really don't eat that much in terms of sweets but although I was enjoying my day out with N 3 I did feel guilty for all the calories- and I got the small size- could've gotten the mini but that seemed like no fun!

So it's getting on toward 12:45 a.m. so I should really go to sleep. 😴

@Jennifer 1967 :
I’m so glad you finally had a good day! Have fun in Florida, it’s stressful planning and going on a trip, especially when you have to arrange care for others, but hopefully you have enough of a good time to make it all worth it!

@~Christina
Ah jeez there’s always something like you said!!! Be careful with your food. I have been having just a little trouble, which I discovered is yet another side effect of vraylar. Damn that med really messed me up! Good luck with the rheumatologist, I’m happy you have such good medical providers as well.

@*Beth*
Oh yes, the therapist for my mom would absolutely be a waste of time. I know for a fact she’d say she was too tired to go. And she won’t do a virtual appointment because of her house. She’d be too worried about what’s in the background. That’s what I must impress upon my SIL. My mom HAS to move, but she WILL NOT get a therapist, so oh well on that one. My SIL’s concern, as is everyone’s, is that my mom will hoard out an apartment. Which she will, given the chance, but I have solutions in my head that just take commitment on my part. I’ve said before all I can do is accept that she will always need my help. I don’t have to be her therapist but physically I will need to help her. I think I can get to that point with my clinician and my regular therapist when I discharge from the program.

@Moose72

Ooo botanical gardens are so nice to walk around! There’s a little one here where we got married in the fall, and then there’s a wildflower nature preserve across the bridge, and if we really want to get wild there’s a HUGE one near Philadelphia that we’ve been to. RS and I actually went to the Christmas lights show at the huge one on our first date. It was beautiful, they had lights EVERYWHERE! I’m glad N3 walked around with you!

Thinking of you and sending hugs and healing vibes.

Thank you @wildflowerchild25 !

I’m back in the hole today. Anxiety is high as are feelings of hopelessness. I feel like I’m losing it entirely. I’ve left a message to set up an appointment with my med provider. I really hope she doesn’t dismiss me from the practice. I’m worried very much about that. I’m worried about a lot of things really. I wish I was more laid back.

I do have therapy in 3 hours. That will help. I also have the drum circle to look forward to tonight. It will be beautiful weather for that. I got a lovely set of essential oil blends from my daughter yesterday including one called Refresh which I’m wearing now. Smells so good. I’m also sipping some hot tea that she gifted me: a blend of lemongrass, green tea and spearmint. She wrote a very loving note in her birthday card to me that brought tears to my eyes. It was so nice seeing her and getting good hugs.

I’m going to work on pulling myself together and getting on with my day. I really appreciate this forum and everybody on it.

Hugs to all

Good Monday morning!

I wish the @ thing worked for me.

wfc, wow - I sounded really negative & bitter when I commented about not bothering to schedule a therapy appt. for your mom. I just so strongly empathize with your situation with your mother.

Jennifer, I so hope a med change will help you feel more stable. I understand your worry, but I doubt that she'll dismiss you. I think they take it as a personal and professional failure if they dismiss a patient.

Christina, thank you. Thank you sooo much for your kindness and support. I'm accepting that I need to limit my time on the feline diabetes group. I've gained the information I need, which is very helpful. Saturday night a couple of the mods got so judgmental, they were all but blaming me for Sid having diabetes. And I am frantic...she is a perfect pet, I love her so, so, so much. I don't want to become so crazy-worried about her that she feels tense. She's very sensitive. So I'm working to fit the others into her food needs while still meeting their needs. I love them, too! They are precious to me. One mod told me that I NEED to buy (at least one) automatic feeder - she gave me the link. It costs just under $300 !!!! God help me, I practically fell off my chair. But I've always fed my cats excellent quality food, even though it really does mean that I don't have the $ to buy all the food I need for myself. It's okay, though.

I finally asked as politely as I could why, if what the mods feed their diabetic cats works so well, do their cats' glucose numbers fluctuate so much? Of course, that pissed them off. Reality bites, what can I say.

Ugh, sorry for the rant. I was just so undone Sat. night. and ended up taking too much Seroquel, then felt sick.

I hope Soupe is okay, odd that she hasn't checked in in days. Soupe, if you see this, how are France plans going?

That shooting in Buffalo is heartbreaking. I used to feel that parents were responsible if their child was messed up or did destructive things. But I've learned that while there usually are environmental reasons, it's not always the case. Once in a rare while a child comes into the world with "stuff." Maybe it's genetics, maybe reincarnation. Who knows.

I've been reading over DBT techniques. I wish the "professionals" didn't communicate with people as if the people are always between ages 12 and 20. Anyway, it definitely helped to refresh some of the skills in my mind. There are some I best relate to...breathing, self-care as far as scents and nice body things. Focusing on one color that I see in my environment is a really interesting coping skill (to divert my attention from feeling out of control). Radical acceptance is something that we basically have to learn as we age, I'm finding.

Thank you, wildflowerchild, for reminding me to check out DBT

Well, I just finished breakfast, no more food until 4 p.m. so I can do the fasting blood labs today. I'll be drinking plenty of water, though, so that's fine with me.

Here's a beautiful, happy little daisy for each of you to start off your week

Ah Beth, it’s fine, I didn’t take it the wrong way because I feel the exact same way. I know it’s useless I just have to convince my SIL it’s useless and impress upon my brother and my SIL the severity of the situation. I need to stop feeling responsible for my brother’s feelings and trying to protect him and tell him that it is a fire AND health hazard at this point. She literally could die. I don’t think he understands as neither of them have been there since they announced their pregnancy to her (5 years).