Bipolar check-in # 66

Glad the baby is doing well. That's great!

Last night was another night where I got 5 hours or so of sleep. I was pretty much up from 11 after going to bed at 7. After I had been up since 10 the night before. So I was pretty tired this morning and I drank two 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew which didn't help anything. The weather outside is horrible and its making me feel sick. I tried eating something and drinking some iced teas and that didn't work. I was just lazing in bed until I fell asleep for a couple hours. Now I'm up and I feel ok-ish. My mom says its the weather causing everything, although I know I am pretty worried about my biopsy results.

Well my GI dr was very nice, she said some of my problems could be med related since I’m on a lot and she’s not concerned enough to do anything other than the endoscopy at this particular time. She calmed my fears about the endoscopy as well. I feel confident that whatever it shows she will be able to handle and diagnose correctly and I have faith in whatever treatment plan she puts together.

Now my blood pressure was high when I went so I made an appt for a physical with my primary. Might as well right? I think my blood pressure was high because I had just gotten off the elevator and I am terrified of elevators (extremely claustrophobic). But whatever. I have ortho for my hand on Thursday and I am also going to ask about seeing a knee specialist in the same group. So that’s it, no one’s going to jerk me around anymore, I won’t let them, I’m over it. I will find a dr that will listen to me for each complaint. I need to get my physical health in order as well. And I will!

In other news CR had his moving up ceremony this morning I am SO proud of him, he earned a safety patrol excellence award, an academic excellence in social studies, AND….the presidential academic excellence award!!! Oh my god I almost lost it. This means he had meets or exceeds expectations for 90% of his fourth and fifth grade report cards (no letter grades in elementary school anymore). I am just so happy for him and I told him he deserves to be proud of himself because HE put all this work in himself, during a pandemic even!

Its things like this that make me realize maybe I am actually doing a good job as a parent. Also, last night CR was able to share something very personal with me and ask for my help, I must be doing something right if he feels comfortable enough to come to me with those types of potentially embarrassing issues. I am just so proud of the young man he’s become! The clap out will be on Monday and I’m Going to be so proud and happy and we are going to celebrate all his achievements in the way they ought to be!

That's really great!

Wildflower glad your doctor took you seriously. Mum just went to the doctor today. And was basically told it was old age. Yes she’s 94 but she deserves to be heard. He( the doctor) did warm up after he understood she was 94, but hey, don’t be a grouchy old man yourself!

I had the dentist and two doctor’s appointments today. I got some bad health news that I’m not ready to share. The hits keep coming. I’m trying to stay positive but life sucks right now. I’m not suicidal…just hopeless and in despair. When it rains it pours. Here’s to better days.

At least I’ll get to talk to my daughter today. That will be a mood boost.

I’m so sorry Jennifer. I hope things turn around lickty split

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I had the dentist and two doctor’s appointments today. I got some bad health news that I’m not ready to share. The hits keep coming. I’m trying to stay positive but life sucks right now. I’m not suicidal…just hopeless and in despair. When it rains it pours. Here’s to better days. At least I’ll get to talk to my daughter today. That will be a mood boost.

I'm so sorry, Jennifer. When and if you're ready to share and need some support...you know we're here for you

This afternoon I got a payment plan set up for my doctors office and my hospital. My bills were starting to pile up and I have no idea what the biopsy will cost. But I set up a payment plan for $62 a month for 6 months for the doctors office part and then I'll do the same for the hospital part when that comes in. I'm going to cancel my dentist appointment in July since he said in Febuarary my teeth looked great, and I haven't noticed any changes since. I'm feeling a lot better now after 3 bottles of water. I think I was using a too hot blanket even though the AC was on and I wasn't hot. I've got to get my sleep under control somehow because these 4-5 hour nights and then 2 hour day time naps arent very good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Well my GI dr was very nice, she said some of my problems could be med related since I’m on a lot and she’s not concerned enough to do anything other than the endoscopy at this particular time. She calmed my fears about the endoscopy as well. I feel confident that whatever it shows she will be able to handle and diagnose correctly and I have faith in whatever treatment plan she puts together. Now my blood pressure was high when I went so I made an appt for a physical with my primary. Might as well right? I think my blood pressure was high because I had just gotten off the elevator and I am terrified of elevators (extremely claustrophobic). But whatever. I have ortho for my hand on Thursday and I am also going to ask about seeing a knee specialist in the same group. So that’s it, no one’s going to jerk me around anymore, I won’t let them, I’m over it. I will find a dr that will listen to me for each complaint. I need to get my physical health in order as well. And I will! In other news CR had his moving up ceremony this morning I am SO proud of him, he earned a safety patrol excellence award, an academic excellence in social studies, AND….the presidential academic excellence award!!! Oh my god I almost lost it. This means he had meets or exceeds expectations for 90% of his fourth and fifth grade report cards (no letter grades in elementary school anymore). I am just so happy for him and I told him he deserves to be proud of himself because HE put all this work in himself, during a pandemic even! Its things like this that make me realize maybe I am actually doing a good job as a parent. Also, last night CR was able to share something very personal with me and ask for my help, I must be doing something right if he feels comfortable enough to come to me with those types of potentially embarrassing issues. I am just so proud of the young man he’s become! The clap out will be on Monday and I’m Going to be so proud and happy and we are going to celebrate all his achievements in the way they ought to be!

How exciting! Sounds to me like you can put your worries aside about your "mom skills."

Good for you, deciding to be proactive regarding your health needs. That's the way to do it.

Beth I’m so glad you saw him. It’s up to you whether you and Mary have a final session. Maybe that would help or maybe that could harm. You have time to consider your decision

Wild! Good for you pushing to get physically healthy ! Often providers just blow things off. Ridiculous! Of course your great Mom ! Always have been.

Moose I would not stress to much over the Covid fears of your shopping trip.

Soupe hope your enjoying your trip and staying cool.

Nammu what’s going on with your car ?

Hallie you know I love you and sad your going through so many losses

Jennifer ! Ahh the pool sounds lovely. I think your doing a great job handling such s huge loss. As for the “ best friend” he’s pure garbage and karma always catches up to people who are out to use or harm others. Keep up your self care. Will you see M soon?

~~~~~~~

Good grief its freaking hot worse bit is high humidity.

I still can’t wrap my head around Amber Heards actions since she lost the Defamation trial. She’s a true narcissistic monster. She just keeps running her mouth. The fact is Johnny cleared his name and has moved on with his life. She has not nor does it seem she ever will. I feel bad for her child.

I grabbed a small chicken breast out for dinner. I really want chicken Parmesan. Yes I don’t need the carbs but I’m craving comfort food. Feeling really down today for some reason. Meh ! I dunno but tomorrow will be better.

Much love

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Christina, still awaiting the part. They have no idea when it will get here, it’s somewhere in the great supply chain network. Probably sitting in a boat somewhere.

Bad panic. Terribly hot, like a fever, then shivering with cold. Body aching. Having trouble staying in touch with reality. I've developed a fear of my phone, afraid her horrible message is being held in there, somehow. I fear she's looking at me through the phone. Made an appointment to have my hair cut tomorrow, hoping that spending a bit of time with my stylist will help divert my attention. But will be using the $ I need to pay the electric/gas company. Just, don't know what to do. I am remembering to breathe. Very dissociative to point of fading out. I'm scared. I did not deserve this. Healthier to allow my anger right now. 2 cats sitting near me, they're angels giving loving energy. Going to put myself in the shower & try to reconnect.

Oooh @*Beth* ! A shower sounds like a wonderful idea. I always feel renewed and refreshed after one. I hope it helps regulate your temperature.

So angry!!!! only missed 1 day of meds. Don't want to take them until after I talk to T tomorrow. She needs to see me not the sedated mess my meds make me! so rage-y though. H wants me to at least smoke but I won't, I won't even take my regular meds why would I do that, sounds fun though. I'm so bored. I want to spend money I don't have. Dad's fathers day gift got cancelled so now I have to wait to reorder it.

Well we went out to dinner, I smoked now we're home. bugs feeling on me I keep seeing them out of the corner of my eyes.

You will be ok!!! You’re not going to disappear into yourself forever!!! It feels like it but you won’t, you 100% won’t. Push your feet into the ground as hard as you can and concentrate on the connection to the earth and you’ll see. I forgot that one. Sometimes going as far as laying on the ground pushing all your muscles onto the floor as hard as you can helps. I can’t get onto the floor and have any hope of getting back up lol but I do sit in a chair.

Shower up and remember: you will survive!

Feeling really depressed today. I went to one of my group counseling classes I just started and I was the only one who showed up and they canceled it.
I hate being all alone I need to take a long ride on my Motorcycle to clean my mind. I think like 2 or 3 in the am I am going to fuel up my bike and try to do a Iron Butt ride the one I going to do is a 1000 miles in 24 hours.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Oooh @*Beth* ! A shower sounds like a wonderful idea. I always feel renewed and refreshed after one. I hope it helps regulate your temperature.

Thank you, Moose. The shower was very good, in the sense that it helped to ground me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo Feeling really depressed today. I went to one of my group counseling classes I just started and I was the only one who showed up and they canceled it. I hate being all alone I need to take a long ride on my Motorcycle to clean my mind. I think like 2 or 3 in the am I am going to fuel up my bike and try to do a Iron Butt ride the one I going to do is a 1000 miles in 24 hours. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Ohhh, I hate when a group gets cancelled like that. Sure doesn't help any.

If you ride, be safe and I believe strongly that a ride will help your state of mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 You will be ok!!! You’re not going to disappear into yourself forever!!! It feels like it but you won’t, you 100% won’t. Push your feet into the ground as hard as you can and concentrate on the connection to the earth and you’ll see. I forgot that one. Sometimes going as far as laying on the ground pushing all your muscles onto the floor as hard as you can helps. I can’t get onto the floor and have any hope of getting back up lol but I do sit in a chair. Shower up and remember: you will survive!

Thank you, thank you

The shower helped pull me together. After the shower I held a small ice pack in my hand, also held it against my forehead. What an excellent grounding method.

The tee turtle plushies are awesome! And I did see 1 keychain

I just did the feet against the ground. When I stretch and do yoga I will lay my entire body on the ground.

I don't even have the words to express how much you have helped me.

I do want to say that I am so HAPPY for you...there is nothing more magnificent than being a proud mom.

I have "parts," not full-blown DID, I wouldn't say that, but I have an awareness of selves, kind-of a little crowd and some of them have identities. It's nothing new and no one has ever, in any way, hurt anyone else or done anything "major." But sometimes, almost always when I'm extremely triggered/traumatized I find evidence of having done little things that I have zero memory of doing.

This afternoon I checked my email and found an email from a hair stylist in a town about 15 miles from here. She was giving me possible times for appointments. Then there came 2 more emails from 2 other salons.

I was basically horrified and seriously shaken up. I had already set up an appointment yesterday with my regular stylist, who I've been seeing for at least 5 years. I adore her and we get on really well. Plus, her shop is only 1/4 mile from my apartment.

But there it was...around 8:45 this morning I apparently messaged 3 salons to ask for an appointment. The embarrassing thing was that 1 of the messages was to a woman who did my hair 6 years ago and I had complained to her because she didn't give me the color we had agreed on. No way would I ask to make an appt. with her!

I have no connection to those messages except the replies I got. Once, after an especially bad situation I awoke in the morning and found that during the night I had rearranged jewelry and some other small objects I had in my and David's bedroom.

I guess the best comparison is that it's like sleepwalking (which I did as a child).

Anyway, the point of this rambling post is just that I'm shaken up about receiving those emails. It's so embarrassing and I feel like a freak.

Well, I'm going to bed. Love to each of you

My wife and I built a big planter in our backyard during the past several weeks.

The planter is made up of over 200 stones which we picked up from Home Depot in batches.

It was a lot of work getting everything level and there was a lot of mud and dirt around. It's finished now and we have everything cleaned up in the yard.

Also doing a bunch of planting. We've got tomatoes, basil, chilis and some other things going.

I'm still feeling low but that's nothing new. The Trintellix is only partially working, same as my other meds. I'm still having anxiety but only take Klonopin about 3 times a week.

My pdoc suggested I try Prozac instead of Trintellix for the anxiety. She says she's had good results with other bipolar patients.

Plenty to do today. I woke up quite early (6am), so there's a few extra hours for me there. I'm continuing the job search, staying close to home, with gas prices and all, unless it's an amazing lead that would make it worth the trip. I also have a job counselor from the state calling to offer extra support.

Got to get unemployment appeal paperwork in order and sent soon. My former employer is fighting having to pay out every step of the way. I know employers don't have to give ANY reason to fire you here in America, but they should have to lock in their reason (or non-reason) the day you're handed a pink slip. Instead, I have to defend myself against reasons given three weeks after I left the company once they found out I needed unemployment. These companies like to paint themselves as so benevolent that their workers don't need any union. We're one big happy family, right? We can work things out, right? In house, right? You, me and the company lawyers? Suffice it to say, I have never wanted representation more after working for them.

Healthcare is still a crapshoot. Primary care is good. Free care and free prescriptions while I'm unemployed. Minus is that the clinic is about a 45 minute drive from my home. Limited income, high gas prices etc. Also, Medicaid, which I applied for in February, has a six month backlog. Possibly more. So, no help for specialized care (which I 100% need) from the hospitals or the Obamacare exchanges until Medicaid makes a decision. I'm waiting the better part of a year for a freaking yes or no!

The hospital might have a solution that basically involves me submitting a second financial aid application in order to facilitate expedited review. A way to get around the Medicaid decision requirement. Which would be much appreciated, considering my first specialist appointment, coupled with the test they would need to do, would run $1000. That's just to look at the problem. The solution? I have no idea.

Finally, I've got to find someone who would be willing to let me use their lawnmower. Lawn isn't too bad right now, but it is pretty high and I want to get it done soon. It would also undercut my cousin, who uses my current need for a yard service to spy on me for my controlling dad. I've seen my cousin sneaking phone calls to him when I do something he doesn't like.

The man has an overwhelming need for external validation, to the point where he will involve himself in situations where his input is not needed or wanted. When that validation is not forthcoming in the way he wants, he becomes angry, vengeful and sullen. The police have been called on him at this point. Once he calms down, he decides he needs to be the "bigger man" and forgive us all for not validating him. You can probably guess people sour on him pretty quick.

Once all that's done, I think I'll sit down and watch the new Dune movie.

I fell asleep last night at 7. I ate a legit dinner too. I didn't muck around like I normally do with food. Then I woke up at 11. I was nauseated and my stomach hurt so I took a zofran and an advil and I got back to sleep around 2:30. I was up for a couple minutes at 3 but then I pretty much got back to sleep until 6. I woke up feeling incredibly weird and hot. I had planned on going out to breakfast and I had an in person therapy session. But my body was like "not today satan" so I got up and took a cool shower and chugged 2 bottles of water and emailed my therapist and asked if we could switch to remote. I ended up needing a nap at 9:45 so I took about a 1.5 hour long nap. I've been taking morning naps for several days in a row now. Now I'm just waiting on a delivery and for therapy. I got a message in my portal that said: biopsy final result. But the page was blank. Which has me a bit spooked that they want to call me about the results. I know they were really fretting about that right side.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 My wife and I built a big planter in our backyard during the past several weeks. The planter is made up of over 200 stones which we picked up from Home Depot in batches. It was a lot of work getting everything level and there was a lot of mud and dirt around. It's finished now and we have everything cleaned up in the yard. Also doing a bunch of planting. We've got tomatoes, basil, chilis and some other things going. I'm still feeling low but that's nothing new. The Trintellix is only partially working, same as my other meds. I'm still having anxiety but only take Klonopin about 3 times a week. My pdoc suggested I try Prozac instead of Trintellix for the anxiety. She says she's had good results with other bipolar patients.

Hi Scooter! That planter sounds absolutely beautiful! And so cool that you have a garden going.

I'm sorry if I've asked you this before, but have you ever tried Gabapentin for anxiety? Nothing was helping my severe anxiety, it was really bad, then I tried Gabapentin and it helped and has continued to be effective.