Bipolar check-in # 66

I believe I am going to quit my job. There are lots of posts right now for paraprofessional jobs in public schools, likely working with autistic or intellectually disabled children who remain in mainstream schools. If I really think about it, as much as I love the EBD (emotional/behavioral disabled) students my job is incredibly difficult for someone without their own serious mental illness. It has been impossible for me. When I was working with a severe cognitive student and following that a minimally verbal autistic student (very sweet, spoke in mostly echolalia) I only had to take disability for my back surgery. At no point did I have extended mood episodes as long as I was on the proper medication. I am on proper medication (so far) and I think I will do much better in this type of environment rather than working with EBD.

It’s hard for me to do this as I really enjoy the environment of my current job but it’s just so stressful dealing with getting screamed at, the possible fights, etc. a rise in tension really triggers me these days and I don’t think I’ll be able to handle trying to diffuse a fight or physical/verbal attack anymore. Other disabilities can sometimes lead to physical aggression but it’s a different type of physical aggression. It’s more understandable to me. I had an eye opening moment with an autistic student this year which showed me how difficult it is to navigate a world of social expectations and interactions that are completely unnatural for some. It helped me better understand what a student on the spectrum might be going through on a daily basis and how to adapt the school environment to their needs.

I just think I’ll do better working with a different subset of disabilities.

I called yesterday to get the ball rolling to get Steve back on oxygen enough is enough.

I have my yearly physical Monday so he’s coming with. He has to do a 6 minute walk to show how low his oxygen level goes and then he will wear a pulse ox overnight.

I got a SSDI review notice last week. I am always incredibly scared I will lose my benefits. Hopefully I will hear back soon . Until then I can’t look for a part time job.

Much love all around

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I believe I am going to quit my job. There are lots of posts right now for paraprofessional jobs in public schools, likely working with autistic or intellectually disabled children who remain in mainstream schools. If I really think about it, as much as I love the EBD (emotional/behavioral disabled) students my job is incredibly difficult for someone without their own serious mental illness. It has been impossible for me. When I was working with a severe cognitive student and following that a minimally verbal autistic student (very sweet, spoke in mostly echolalia) I only had to take disability for my back surgery. At no point did I have extended mood episodes as long as I was on the proper medication. I am on proper medication (so far) and I think I will do much better in this type of environment rather than working with EBD. It’s hard for me to do this as I really enjoy the environment of my current job but it’s just so stressful dealing with getting screamed at, the possible fights, etc. a rise in tension really triggers me these days and I don’t think I’ll be able to handle trying to diffuse a fight or physical/verbal attack anymore. Other disabilities can sometimes lead to physical aggression but it’s a different type of physical aggression. It’s more understandable to me. I had an eye opening moment with an autistic student this year which showed me how difficult it is to navigate a world of social expectations and interactions that are completely unnatural for some. It helped me better understand what a student on the spectrum might be going through on a daily basis and how to adapt the school environment to their needs. I just think I’ll do better working with a different subset of disabilities.

I totally understand the desire to work with EBD students. Years ago I worked with at-risk youth and I loved, loved that job. But as I began the third year I realized that my own mental health was unraveling. I knew I had to quit.

I have the feeling that your intuition is correct.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina I called yesterday to get the ball rolling to get Steve back on oxygen enough is enough. I have my yearly physical Monday so he’s coming with. He has to do a 6 minute walk to show how low his oxygen level goes and then he will wear a pulse ox overnight. I got a SSDI review notice last week. I am always incredibly scared I will lose my benefits. Hopefully I will hear back soon . Until then I can’t look for a part time job. Much love all around Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Good! I hope Steve is back on oxygen ASAP.

Oh, those darn reviews. Grrr. So nerve-wracking.

Much love to you, too

I wish. It's an hour away and with gas prices the way they are, I can only afford so many trips. I made sure they knew my displeasure over the phone.

Looking into getting the med through my normal avenues. It's a $50 prescription for one month, normally. I was able to cut the price in half through one of those discount cards. $25 is less, but it's still $25 more than I was expecting to pay. And I have one pill left right now because that pharmacist felt no obligation to let me know something was wrong and got offended that I didn't appreciate their service. The service that didn't work right my second time out. The service that ignores their patients, even if something's wrong. That service? Gaslighting much?

I had the appt. with Dr. B. I don't know, it was a bit weird. He told me he spoke with Mary about me and so on. He said several times that she cares about me very much and is deeply concerned. He told me she loves me and that he loves me. I think these people must have screwed up personal lives.

The pharmacy delivered the Caplyta (whatever the name is). It's in gel caps, which I wish it wasn't. I'll take it tonight and see what happens. I'm not really clear on why med dude prescribed it, though.

Have you tried rxoutreach.org? They only have certain meds but when they have your med it is usually much cheaper than insurance or discount cards. And they are mail delivery so you don't have to worry about going anywhere to get the meds. (disclaimer that I haven't used them in several years but have had 100% positive experiences when I did. I am expecting to need them soon).

Beth, It almost sounds as if they think by saying they love you that somehow that makes her behavior ok? “Oh I have the feels for you, so I can go on behaving badly cause I feel you!” How weird.

I'm going back on meds tonight 😴. I'll probably be sleeping the first day or two. But I'll be around as much as I can. T's worried, h is worried and I'm just not feeling safe. So back on meds for me. I don't want meds for life. I feel I should be able to learn to control it and get off meds and just deal with it in therapy but truth be told I think I scared t today. And that's not fair of me to do.

Is it a hida scan?

I checked them out. Some good deals! Unfortunately my med wasn't one of them. Oh well. I'll keep them in mind for the future!

I think so.

I went to a concert with my buddy this last Saturday I had a couple of drinks before the concert not drunk but nicely buzzed. Well I woke up in the hotel the next and I was just so exhausted. I went out to my truck to leave and fell asleep in the parking lot I did not even start my truck lol. My buddy woke me up as he was leaving. I ended up going back to the hotel and getting another room lol. I slept til like 8 that night and left the next morning. I was also really sore in all my muscles.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Mustachio is home, this is a pic of her from last night, she was still loopy from the anesthesia, but she's back to her normal self today

Are those bad? I could have gotten in today but had other things to do so I had to make it for next Thursday. But man do I wish it could have been today.

I’m feeling more like myself this morning. Better and stronger. The cold is on its way out. I still have a lot of drainage and it’s still in my chest but I do feel better. I’m really missing my brother. He was kind, gentle and caring like me. A great comfort during times of illness. I drifted off to sleep in the afternoon and dreamt that I was with him at one of his doctor appointments. What a rude awakening.

I’m trying to enjoy life’s little pleasures where I can. I’m also working on moving forward. It’s hard but life goes on. Life feels cold and barren right now. Like nothing will be right again.

I am going to float at the pool this morning. I’m also going to buy flowers today. Begonias most likely. They are hardy enough to withstand this heat. Pink, red and white will do nicely. I may take mom to the movies tonight.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

I'm nauseated and super lightheaded and hot this morning and I'm having some stomach issues and my heart is pounding. We got take out for dinner last night and its not sitting well with me. I checked my temp and I'm fine there. So no covid or anything I don't think. I'm currently sitting with my ceiling and tower fan on and I'm still hot. My mom last night was all like "I'll get food tonight if you promise to actually eat it and not get sick." I could have gone in for the gallbladder test this morning but my mom has another appointment she already had to move once because of my appointment on Monday. So I'm going in on Thursday now. But I have tylenol and zofran and stuff to get me until then.

I don't want to be on Klonopin but off of it I want to do bad things to myself.

I fear my husband's and my current trip will be unsuccessful and a waste of time and money. Part of it is bad luck and part bad planning. I'm quite discouraged. There's little to no "vacation" aspects. We have not seen anything on our route that really impresses us in any way. I'm wishing we could leave where we're staying early, but it would be a loss of money. The next stop is a nonsensical one that my husband chose out of nowhere. [I had zero interest in that region and it likely has little around it.] Again, a likely waste of time and money! I'm afraid to suggest we cancel that accommodation. If we would, it needs to be done immediately to avoid cancellation charges or complete non refund.

Even the food and pastries have been only pass muster. The best meals so far have been ones I cooked in the rentals.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth, It almost sounds as if they think by saying they love you that somehow that makes her behavior ok? “Oh I have the feels for you, so I can go on behaving badly cause I feel you!” How weird.

It's certainly possible. Also, both T's are strongly committed to their spiritual beliefs, which in some ways I am comfortable with. Yet, in some ways I also feel like their spiritual beliefs are a bit too New-Agey/idealistic. I think they "love" everybody because they believe that love sends out positive energy to all humans (and all beings), which will make the world a better place.

I know they are both very caring people. After all the therapy I've done with Mary I can understand how she has loving feelings for me. I think that that is why, in part, her boundaries with me are "murky."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Mustachio is home, this is a pic of her from last night, she was still loopy from the anesthesia, but she's back to her normal self today

Yay! Now life will be much more peaceful for both of you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’m feeling more like myself this morning. Better and stronger. The cold is on its way out. I still have a lot of drainage and it’s still in my chest but I do feel better. I’m really missing my brother. He was kind, gentle and caring like me. A great comfort during times of illness. I drifted off to sleep in the afternoon and dreamt that I was with him at one of his doctor appointments. What a rude awakening. I’m trying to enjoy life’s little pleasures where I can. I’m also working on moving forward. It’s hard but life goes on. Life feels cold and barren right now. Like nothing will be right again. I am going to float at the pool this morning. I’m also going to buy flowers today. Begonias most likely. They are hardy enough to withstand this heat. Pink, red and white will do nicely. I may take mom to the movies tonight. I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

That grief is so hard. I found that losing a sibling was more painful that my parents' deaths. I felt like when my sister died that I had lost a part of my own body and my own Self. It's been around 4 years and there are times when I do have a kind of peace about her being gone, there are times when I miss her so much that I feel like I can barely breathe. The rough, stark ups and downs have mellowed some, though. Instead of crashing waves the feeling is more of gentler waves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I fear my husband's and my current trip will be unsuccessful and a waste of time and money. Part of it is bad luck and part bad planning. I'm quite discouraged. There's little to no "vacation" aspects. We have not seen anything on our route that really impresses us in any way. I'm wishing we could leave where we're staying early, but it would be a loss of money. The next stop is a nonsensical one that my husband chose out of nowhere. [I had zero interest in that region and it likely has little around it.] Again, a likely waste of time and money! I'm afraid to suggest we cancel that accommodation. If we would, it needs to be done immediately to avoid cancellation charges or complete non refund. Even the food and pastries have been only pass muster. The best meals so far have been ones I cooked in the rentals.

I am so sad to hear this. I do wonder if - maybe - your disappointment with the France trip may be in part that you're worn out from the intense traveling you've been doing over such a short period of time. Certainly not entirely, but somewhat.

Feeling hindered. Took the last of the colestipol (the med I had the fight with the pharmacy on). No sign of any help on another month's dose. So, in about 12-18 hours, after I eat, I will have intense stomach pains coupled with frequent trips to the bathroom as bile dumps from my liver and goes through my GI tract unimpeded. I can combat it with heavy doses of ibuprofen, but it doesn't provide complete relief and long term use could be an issue.

On the job front, I was quite productive. Five applications in a row made! Just waiting on any response, but if the bile dumping starts again, any interview scheduled might cause some issues, especially when I have to run to the bathroom or pop Advil like candy in the middle of it. Family doesn't seem to care, but then they've never been good strategic thinkers. And I'll suffer as a result.

On a small plus side, got to give a card to the friend who's having regular dialysis at the moment. Chose one with a diver and a great white shark taking a selfie. Left a little message, wished him good health, wished him peace and even through in some ancient Greek (his day job involves translation). He seemed to like it!

I'm pretty sure my stomach was just set off from dinner last night. But I have been feeling strange since yesterday afternoon but I think its still early for the hematrcrit to go up again. I did take a covid test since I went to the gas station and it wore me out and I've just been feeling weird like my body is stroking out or something. I get these episodes where I'm very lethargic and the room is spinning and I need to lie down and then I'm ok for a bit. I don't know who to talk to about this. Currently I've just been in bed since the gas station. Can you eat too much fennel I'm wondering. Google black licorice deaths if you don't believe me.