Bipolar check-in #67

I’m liking the still new to me pdoc I have. He made sure I understood I could reach him though the portal. I’ve used it twice now and he responds in a timely fashion. Both times were medicine related and he contacted the pharmacy both times. Because my pharmacy now closes on weekends I went today and found out there was no refills and I only need 7 more tablets for the remaining two weeks of my taper.

Sun I’m down to 2.5 mg and then onto a 1.75 under the tongue version then I’ll be off it for good I hope. But it’s a nightmare splitting these tiny tablets. So far I’m having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep but none of the physical withdrawals I had when I tried to stop on my own.

I’m hoping the sleep work’s itself out. I’m having trouble being motivated to do anything. I did go to aqua fitness today but didn’t Monday. I’m always glad when I go, it’s just the getting up and going that’s tough. I don’t have much energy.

It was a lovely summer day today and now we have a breeze that comes from the ocean. The feeling is so nice. Full moon in Capricorn...teaching, lessons, learning, discipline, responsibility. An intense configuration.

I had a wonderful skating session this afternoon! I'm realizing that I'm going to need to invest in more "serious" skates, higher quality, etc. so I can properly adjust the trucks and maneuver more easily and safely. The thing is to come up with the money. And my high school reunion is coming up in September, which is $50 per person - plus the gas to drive there. And the clothes. Still don't know if I'll make that.

So. Mary is back at work and my appointment with her is at 2 p.m. tomorrow. She's been out for 4 months. And there's a mega-ton of major stuff to go over. I wrote in more detail in my psychotherapy board thread, so I won't get into the specifics here, too.

I will say that I'm very anxious about the upcoming session and the anxiety has triggered off a degree of paranoia. It started with casting spells, witchery, who has power and who doesn't, then I noticed the little demons hanging around. And of course, the paranoia extends out to the world, in general. Neighbors. Silly stuff that, of course, feels very real.

I am going to take one of my beautiful little voodoo dolls with me to the session tomorrow. He has black yarn hair, longer on one side, wears a white dress with tiny exquisite detail, and has a red felt heart on a pin stuck into his heart place. He gives me a sense of safety and protection.

I'm also considering taking an extra Klonopin - or 2. I would end up short, but if I do I will tell my med dude that I accidentally threw the bottle away. It's actually been many years since I've done such a thing, but once in a great while I find it necessary. I do not want to be sleepy, but feeling calmer and a tiny bit buzzed could be to my advantage - unless I'm feeling strong and confident. I'll have to see how it's going tomorrow; I won't decide now.

Great bouquets of gorgeously scented flowers and a cupcake, your choice of flavor, for you

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @*Beth* I agree. There’s a difference between rough anxiety and blatant paranoia. Today I spent six hours in a panic no matter what I did. I finally calmed down around 3:30pm. Then RS came home and I couldn’t lie to him bc if I do he gets upset (rightfully). He’s very upset anyway. He’s afraid I’m going to go IP again. Hell, I’m afraid I’m going to go IP again if the damn dr won’t give me haldol. I went back out with RS out of necessity, that was 6:30 and I’m still panicking. It’s 9pm. Even Xanax is not working. I will definitely be taking extra seroquel and I can only hope it works because I don’t even feel safe enough to sit in the living room by myself.

That is cruel. No one should have to suffer like you're suffering when help could be made available. Craziness - I have a full bottle of Haldol sitting in my kitchen cabinet. If only I could reach through the computer and hand it to you. Ridiculous if you end up IP because your psychiatrist lacks empathy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I’m liking the still new to me pdoc I have. He made sure I understood I could reach him though the portal. I’ve used it twice now and he responds in a timely fashion. Both times were medicine related and he contacted the pharmacy both times. Because my pharmacy now closes on weekends I went today and found out there was no refills and I only need 7 more tablets for the remaining two weeks of my taper. Sun I’m down to 2.5 mg and then onto a 1.75 under the tongue version then I’ll be off it for good I hope. But it’s a nightmare splitting these tiny tablets. So far I’m having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep but none of the physical withdrawals I had when I tried to stop on my own. I’m hoping the sleep work’s itself out. I’m having trouble being motivated to do anything. I did go to aqua fitness today but didn’t Monday. I’m always glad when I go, it’s just the getting up and going that’s tough. I don’t have much energy.

Well, no one has much energy if they aren't getting good sleep. I give you huge credit for going to aqua fitness at all, especially in the morning!

It's excellent that you have a good pdoc. What a relief. And I have met very, very few pills that could be properly split.

Ha, as Christina would say, some pills you just lick a few times to get the dose!

Thanks for the cupcake I chose chocolate.

Sending purple sparkles ✨ and good vibes your way for your appointment tomorrow. Remember to breathe 🧘*♂️

I wish you well with your appointment. I’m thinking of you and sending supportive vibes.

Starting yesterday, Hubby and I embarked on a three day house hunting trip. Unfortunately, Hubby woke up this morning feeling sick with the same respiratory distress he got over about a week ago after taking antibiotics. It wasn't covid then, and likely isn't now, but his doctor submitted a covid test prescription anyway. It's a real bummer as we're about 240 km (150 miles) from home right now. He's in bed at the hotel. We were going to do some walking around here as it's the second most beautiful Czech city, after Prague. I'm unsure if we will need to cancel our upcoming house visit appointments. We might feel stranded, in a sense, as I am unable to do the necessary driving home.

Yesterday we saw the first house on our list. The owner did something unique by welcoming us with a platter of vdolky (pictured), which are basically fried donuts with fruit jam, farmer's cheese, and whipped cream on top. Also fresh mint iced tea from mint in her garden. So sweet of her, but I confess it makes you feel uncomfortably obliged.

I had a good appointment with my new grief counselor yesterday. I like her. I think she’ll be very helpful.

We had a lovely time with the sunflowers the day before yesterday and brought several home. They had a big loop in the field that you could walk around. It was lovely being totally surrounded by my favorite flowers. We stopped at a restaurant that has wonderful southern cooking but I decided to stick with a baked sweet potato, pickled beets, cantaloupe and watermelon.

I may need to stop Zoloft. It’s causing digestive issues daily and weight gain. I’ll confer with my med provider.

Today is floating, lunch with sister and a movie. Yesterday was floating, bible study and lunch with friends. I’m trying to move forward.

@*Beth* I want some skates like yours! I used to love skating so much. We have hardwood floors and a newly paved road so it’s doable. I think I will.

Haven’t talked to my daughter yet. We’re both trying to schedule a time. I have sent her loving texts in the mean time.

Hugs to all.

I was so exhausted from weeks without sleeping good and then my therapist just leaving me like that yesterday that I crashed in bed at 3:30 from pure exhaustion and just woke up now at 4AM. I was hoping my therapist would have emailed me last night but she didnt.
Beth I can understand what your going through.

Yesterday after the therapy fiasco I went and did a bunch of fruit and vegetables grocery shopping along with some muffins and bagels. When I get super upset I get into this crazy health freak mode. Like I wanted to eat my feelings but I physically couldn't because I'm the opposite of a stress eater so I went to bed at 3:30 without eating dinner. I still haven't eaten anything but I will in a few minutes.

Also whats up with that nuclear attack NYC PSA annoucement? Before I'd be incredibly worried but now I'm just so fed up with my life I'm like "what happens happens."

Woke up at 5am and tension and anxiety set in immediately. My head is killing me and I feel sick to my stomach. This is rather unpleasant.

I’m reminding myself that it’s an emotion and it will not kill me. I did get to the convenience store by myself briefly and I am sitting in the living room so that’s already an improvement. The guy at the store made me nervous because he asked how my kids were and I didn’t know he knew I had a kid, how could he know? I rarely bring CR to that particular store. Maybe he got me mixed up with someone else. Or maybe he’s keeping tabs on me. Although that can’t be true. Fact check, dammit.

Terrible self harm urges. I don’t feel like I have to to appease the dark force like I did a year ago though. And voices aren’t too loud. So I’m reminding myself of that as well, that it’s not as bad as before and therefore I am more in control.

I think I’m going to take seroquel when I get home from the interview because I need to sleep this **** off. I can’t be in a complete panic all ****ing day today, I WILL harm myself and I don’t want that at all. It’s been 114 days.

Oh please don’t let me go IP. I’ll have to agree to ECT, god please no.

Agony. That's the best word for it.
I took all my PRNs so hopefully that'll help a bit.

It would certainly have been nice to have had a mum who was able to love me.

Not really a luxury....

In a lot of pain in my tummy. idk if my emotions are playing into this or my eating has become too much...

Been an eventful few days! Got a letter from my neurologist (the one with a chip on his shoulder). It was an official certified letter informing me he was dropping me as a patient. Because I missed one appointment. He refused to see me for FIVE MONTHS and when I was unable to see him... out the door! It's like you're in high school trying to break up with an abusive boyfriend who goes "You're not breaking up with me. I'm breaking up with you!" It stinks of that same desperation to maintain power and control in the relationship even as it's ending.

Good riddance to him! Thank goodness I have another appointment with a less infuriating doctor coming up next month!

The job hunt might yield a good result! I had an interview a couple of days ago with an airline. The wage leaves a bit to be desired, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Also, the perks of working for an airline are quite nice! I'm just waiting on them to get back to me.

Also, have four other applications out in ether. Airline, phone company. I'll take either!

That neurologist sounds awful!

I agree, it does stink of that desperation to maintain power and control in the relationship, even as it's ending .... Sad sad sad (him)

Good luck re the job hunt, sounds very promising

Seroquel did NOT put me to sleep, and worse I am sure I look drugged. RS will know something is up immediately and I won’t be able to fob it off on being tired because of my 5am awakening. I might get away with telling him I have a headache (which I still do, God it hurts so much). If I tell him I took 75mg of seroquel he will be scared. He may not believe me when I say it’s not dangerous. I mean in IP I was given 300mg and I was fine, just totally knocked out for the whole day.

I’m a little less anxious though. I’m sitting in the living room again. I’ve been holed up in my room again since returning from the interview. I got the job, btw, as a classroom para in an autistic classroom. Still not what one would consider “easy” but they won’t be threatening to kill me six ways from Sunday and they are elementary so they’ll be smaller than me. Not as upsetting.

I was going to call the program director and ask her wtf I should do to calm down but I didn’t want to alarm her. I put ice packs on my head and face, squeezed my stuffed animal. I was too scared to take a shower, that’s a vulnerable position to be in and the bathroom door has no lock.

I didn’t order food either, the driver could have deduced that I was there by myself and waited for me to come out and get it, even though it’s contactless. Some of them do wait, out of courtesy I expect, but They can’t be trusted right now.

I wish safety statements were working right now, I’ve written doezens and nada.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I was so exhausted from weeks without sleeping good and then my therapist just leaving me like that yesterday that I crashed in bed at 3:30 from pure exhaustion and just woke up now at 4AM. I was hoping my therapist would have emailed me last night but she didnt. Beth I can understand what your going through.

Thanks, Md. I feel so bad for you. What happened to you was horrible, and I totally get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Starting yesterday, Hubby and I embarked on a three day house hunting trip. Unfortunately, Hubby woke up this morning feeling sick with the same respiratory distress he got over about a week ago after taking antibiotics. It wasn't covid then, and likely isn't now, but his doctor submitted a covid test prescription anyway. It's a real bummer as we're about 240 km (150 miles) from home right now. He's in bed at the hotel. We were going to do some walking around here as it's the second most beautiful Czech city, after Prague. I'm unsure if we will need to cancel our upcoming house visit appointments. We might feel stranded, in a sense, as I am unable to do the necessary driving home. Yesterday we saw the first house on our list. The owner did something unique by welcoming us with a platter of vdolky (pictured), which are basically fried donuts with fruit jam, farmer's cheese, and whipped cream on top. Also fresh mint iced tea from mint in her garden. So sweet of her, but I confess it makes you feel uncomfortably obliged.

Ugggh, I'm sorry he's sick again!

Well, try not to feel obliged...I know that feeling for sure, but it's just how most Europeans function. They offer; if you accept, great - but if not, eh. On to the next pursuit.

The vdolky look so darn tasty - and mint tea sounds divine.

Thank you Nammu and Jennifer for the well wishes and support. I am grateful, because I'm very anxious.

Jennifer - I encourage skates! Hold off - I'll be back later & give you some info that I think will be helpful to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurelius710 Been an eventful few days! Got a letter from my neurologist (the one with a chip on his shoulder). It was an official certified letter informing me he was dropping me as a patient. Because I missed one appointment. He refused to see me for FIVE MONTHS and when I was unable to see him... out the door! It's like you're in high school trying to break up with an abusive boyfriend who goes "You're not breaking up with me. I'm breaking up with you!" It stinks of that same desperation to maintain power and control in the relationship even as it's ending. Good riddance to him! Thank goodness I have another appointment with a less infuriating doctor coming up next month! The job hunt might yield a good result! I had an interview a couple of days ago with an airline. The wage leaves a bit to be desired, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Also, the perks of working for an airline are quite nice! I'm just waiting on them to get back to me. Also, have four other applications out in ether. Airline, phone company. I'll take either!

C'est la vie to that jerk of a doctor. Who needs a schmuck like that, anyway.

I think working for an airline would be AWESOME!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Ha, as Christina would say, some pills you just lick a few times to get the dose! Thanks for the cupcake I chose chocolate. Sending purple sparkles ✨ and good vibes your way for your appointment tomorrow. Remember to breathe 🧘*♂️

Thank you for those stunning purple sparkles ~**~***~~*

Mine's chocolate, too - and I'll tell you what, I may just buy myself a cupcake after this session!

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I had a good appointment with my new grief counselor yesterday. I like her. I think she’ll be very helpful. We had a lovely time with the sunflowers the day before yesterday and brought several home. They had a big loop in the field that you could walk around. It was lovely being totally surrounded by my favorite flowers. We stopped at a restaurant that has wonderful southern cooking but I decided to stick with a baked sweet potato, pickled beets, cantaloupe and watermelon. I may need to stop Zoloft. It’s causing digestive issues daily and weight gain. I’ll confer with my med provider. Today is floating, lunch with sister and a movie. Yesterday was floating, bible study and lunch with friends. I’m trying to move forward. @*Beth* I want some skates like yours! I used to love skating so much. We have hardwood floors and a newly paved road so it’s doable. I think I will. Haven’t talked to my daughter yet. We’re both trying to schedule a time. I have sent her loving texts in the mean time. Hugs to all.

Your day yesterday sounds truly lovely. I'm so glad. You inspire me to take a tour through a sunflower field around here. And pickled beets, watermelon, cantaloupe...oooh, yum.

As for roller skating...
I bought mine from Amazon, they're Xudrez brand. A decent beginner skate for about $55. But they don't have a metal plate or metal trucks, it's a galvanized plastic material or something. They're really pretty skates and work well for basic practice skating. The soles are too hard, they need an insert.

But, I've found that I need a higher quality, more comfortable, more adjustable and sturdy skate. I've done the research and I'm going to go with Moxi Rainbow Rollers for $115. (Roller skates range in price from $50-ish on up to $800 for custom-made...obviously, between $75 and $200 is reasonable for a recreational skater.)

For literally everything you need to know about skates and skating, go to YouTube and watch Dirty Deborah Harry's videos. Check out her video on beginning skating to get the basics down; video on how to stop; on how to buy and adjust skates. And so on. Dirty Deborah is absolutely the best of the best. She's down in SoCal and I would LOVE to take a lesson from her! There are loads of other skating videos, but imo she's by far the most informative and direct without a bunch of show-off needless stuff. OH - also, watch her video...it's something like "So You Think You Can't Skate." It's heartwarming.

Anyway, if you have any questions, shoot 'em this way!

Had no idea roller skates 🛼 were so complicated. Back in the day my friends and I would just go to a skate barn and rent a pair for the night, or go bowling 🎳 I read in the paper that one of the closest remaining skate barns burned down in 2020 and because of covid they didn’t rebuild so I don’t know where kids go now days. There was a teenager in our neighborhood that had roller blades and skated everyday there was no snow.

Beth, that rollerskating sounds fun! I used to rollerblade (inline skating) a lot, I would go down hills and small jumps and stuff, it was a lot of fun. I spent many hours a day outside doing that as a pre-teen/teenager. I also loved watching the X Games on TV every year (annual extreme sport event) I used to wish/dream about becoming a professional skater when I was a kid. That would never happen, but it was still a lot of fun! There's a skating rink about a 10 minute drive from me