Bipolar check-in #67

I almost forgot! My pdoc appointment is today. He’s gonna have to take me as I am. Jean clam diggers and a muted tie dye t shirt with unisex sandals. I lack the energy to get dressed up. Dark Under eye circles. I’ve not got the energy for more than that. I never wear makeup but usually don’t need it. But boy I need makeup today! Wish I could exchange places with my cat, I’d curl up in the cat bed and ignore everything.

Well, wow 😮 I’m still getting to know my pdoc, but he is definitely a keeper. I just want status quo for the next month as I get off this ambien. He’s worried about the lack of sleep. He definitely get the need for sleep. I bought up that I’m thinking of going off all my meds one by one. He wasn’t too thrilled with that but listened to me and said he could probably reduce the dosage of AP and see if it helps with the numbers. And asked me again about past medicine I’ve been on for sleep and brought up belsomra as a medicine I could try. He’s really worried about the lack of sleep and the potential for mania. I reassured him I’d contact him and ask to go back on lamictal if I start getting wired but that I really want to get off the ambien.

On good news my Pims biscuits came today. The outer box was mashed but the inner box was fine. I love orange Pims and haven’t had any now for about 7 years. They aren’t available up here. But though the miracle of Amazon I got them.

Things have been rough physically today. But my anxiety is a lot better. I just haven't been able to get out of bed because of this nausea and severe fatigue. At first it was the nausea. After I ate a granola bar and drank a gatorade I felt a lot better. I drank an ensure and ate a small bag of potato chips. I've been taking my zofran and my stomach med so I haven't had a whole lot of actual pain. I could use an advil or some tylenol right now though. But yeah I didn't make it out of bed except to go to the bathroom and a couple times to go to the kitchen. I'd say it was mostly fatigue today with bursts of nausea right before I could take my next pain med.

I'm lost, quiet and so done.ive been in bed all day.

I have been obsessively counting as of late and now the urge to nod my head over and over is back and really messing me up. I had to buy a new laptop for school. I’m broke. My car is overheating. I need both these things deeply for school and work.

Anxiety is my constant companion. The nodding is getting annoying but i feel like I have to do it-like the counting.

@Nammu, I adored the orange Pims, too, but had to stop buying them as they posed a binge risk for me. I could go through a sleeve/box of them in one sitting. I remember in Taiwan them occasionally being my meal. Yes, found them in a Taiwanese grocery store. Despite this, I dropped nearly 20 lbs in six months there due to otherwise eating little and walking several hours per day and some incredible dance marathons. I was unwell most of that particular stay. Long story. Actually, I should add a mention of Pim's to my draft memo for that time. I haven't worked on it for some years now.

I hope you find the right solution to your sleep issues. Also glad your pdoc is working hard for you.

Starting a couple days ago, I questioned if my sense of taste was diminishing because of my covid-19. As of last night and this morning, I know it's clearly affected. I can still identify "sweet", "sour", "bitter", "savory", "spicy", plus temperature and textural attributes, but I without knowing/seeing, I couldn't tell you if something was strawberry flavored, or the like. My appetite has been curbed a bit, because of stomach issues and probably a bit because of the tasting issue. I guess that makes up for some things a little.

Last night Hubby said he was placing an online grocery order and that I should add things. All I could think of was a few yogurts and asked him to add them. This morning arrives a gargantuan order. There was zero need for it. Stuff is going bad that I hadn't been using. I started putting a few things away and started weeping, it was too much, so he told me to go to bed. His over shopping is extremely stressful for me, as I am the polar opposite. As the sole cook of the house, I've always wished that would be my task, but he won't let it be. And then there's always his tissue mass purchases. They frighten me. If I didn't love my husband, dearly, I confess I'd likely be a runaway. Despite, I confess to daydreaming often about doing so, and have intermittently throughout our marriage. Especially when stressed or unstable. Unlike him, who needs a tractor trailer to move (an albatross), I could probably manage by just filling up a car, or even a large suitcase, as I have so many fewer things and rely on them less. It's hard being of the Henry David Thoreau "Simplify" mentality with such a spouse. I'm so overwhelmed. I also know the inevitability of what running away would bring.

A dentist commented on my not having much of a sense of smell when he took out one of my teeth which was infected a couple of years ago. I have hay fever. It is in my notes! He often says odd things. At least I've found them odd. They were definitely often unhelpful. I haven't looked for another dentist since he is ok technically. I had already been tested for that - it was negative - on entering the building (as was everyone)

Currently trying not to isolate completely emotionally from others... I have some questions in my head about psych stuff etc. so I guess I must be ''ok'... relatively speaking anyway. My husband does not like talking about psych stuff or even about ''other people''. And he doesn't talk much, or like talking much, about emotions. He enjoys gardening. This morning we were having a brief discussion about a couple of things. He likened me to a shade loving flower. Before he went outside I said he was like a shade loving shrub. He works from home. (he used to work for a large company... stuff happened... not his fault at all.. then several/many years ago he set up a small company from home.

I usually do not share this much (especially on the boards, on any boards)

Thinking of you.

Thank you for sharing.

I picked up my samples of Vraylar yesterday around 4:00 and took 2. That was a mistake that late in the day as it’s activating. I didn’t get to sleep until late last night and was awake early. I’m tired but in a really good mood. It was great getting out of the house yesterday. The movie was excellent and I hadn’t had Krystal’s in a long time. I miss my brother everyday but I’m navigating it better now.

My daughter and I are better than ever. Things are going really well. I’m so pleased.

Getting ready to go float then back to the sunflower fields. I just love being there! It’s going to be a scorcher today so we’ll have to be careful. We’ll come home and enjoy a refreshing dip in the pool and then some spaghetti for dinner.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

I also repeat song lyrics in my head over and over and it’s annoying and makes me anxious not to do it. I wish this crap wouldn’t happen. Idk what causes it but when I do it I feel better

I woke up several times and almost got up but I persevered and did get sleep in broken amounts. Judd Hirsch was in one of my dreams as a man who’s phone was hacked. He tracked where his phone had been and one of the places was on top of a New York bridge.. the dream was so vivid. He and his wife went out to eat and had to climb a ladder to get to a tent on top of a building. I’ve always liked him but man why dream of him? But anyway I’m feeling better now that I’ve had around 6 hours of sleep. 6 hours seems to be my minimum for doing ok.

My daughter is bringing me edibles tonight. My state made them legal and we thought they might help with sleep.

Hallie-do you have OCD? I'm no expert but from what I know of it you sound like you have a lot of symptoms.

Nammu- hope the edibles help.... start small!!!

My psyd says I have traits but no diagnosis.

@Beth are you ok? I noticed you didn’t chime in at your usual time yesterday.

Last night I got about 9 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling pretty good. I was able to take a shower and watch the Today Show and read some stuff on Reddit. Then I got caught up on a TV show I watch. I ate but not a lot. So far today I am not having any serious side effects from the pristiq besides the loss of appetite which could also be from my stomach med too and some fatigue. I have a splitting headache right now though. I got a call from the sleep study place to pick up my equimpent next week and I have to go for blood work tommorow that I should have done today but I was too lazy. I hope I get my results by my appointment on Wednesday.

This migraine is the worst. I went to get a second advil and an ensure from the kitchen and it was hurting my head so badly just to walk. I also had a bit of urinary retention this morning but that went away. My doctor said the side effects would go away in a couple weeks and if they didnt then to call him. But I think he was mainly worried about mental health stuff.

Ugh head nodding and song lyrics swirling around while I count things over and over. I’m exhausted but hyper vigilant at same time

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 ...back to the sunflower fields. I just love being there! ....

@Nammu Thank you I so hope you get some sleep.

I will be improved when David gets away from me.

Terrible anxiety and anger issues. I did take 50mg Seroquel last night and really slept for the first time in a long, long time.

I was tempted to

Possible trigger:

take the whole bottle. Again, only my cats and that they need my love and care kept me from doing so. I don't want to be here. I'm just done.

I was so, so stupid ever to think I could create a good family. Every human family I've ever had is an enormous disaster of relentless abuse toward me. The rage I feel is monumental.

Still able to send love all around

I've never heard you so down. Please be good to yourself, Beth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed This migraine is the worst. I went to get a second advil and an ensure from the kitchen and it was hurting my head so badly just to walk. I also had a bit of urinary retention this morning but that went away. My doctor said the side effects would go away in a couple weeks and if they didnt then to call him. But I think he was mainly worried about mental health stuff.

Sumatriptan

Possible trigger:

If I didn't have my cats tonight would be the night. I want to end this. I can't even skate outside because of this heat. I hate this place. It used to rain and be beautiful, now it's a sh-ithole and I hate it. I'd go see Elvis tonight, but no $. I hate my life. I hate all these people who have hurt me so much just because I'm not lucky. I've always taken such good care of them and all they do is run me to the ground like a trusty old car. I hate them hate, hate, hate. I have to go away so I can survive.