Bipolar check-in #70

I saw on the news that there are snow storms and very cold temperatures back east, all the way up north, and as far down south as Tennessee. I'm thinking of a number of you and hoping you're okay?

Our mornings are chilly. Afternoons & evenings, I'm shaking my head. 90 degrees tomorrow. What can I say.

I'm so-so. I feel scared all of the time. Medication, as in SSRI's basically, are just not doing it anymore. They don't ameliorate that "I'm afraid of everything" feeling anymore, like they used to. Therapy doesn't do much to help me feel safe, either. Some, but meh. My perspective of this forum absolutely had to transition when so many challenges were thrown at me prior to my week off. It seems that I don't have a single night of pleasant dreams. It's always worry, anxiety. I am often afraid to go to bed. Plain and simple, I just cannot seem to find security within myself. That month in which I was extremely sick shook me up & sure didn't help. I guess it'll take some time to bounce back from that.

Oh, I don't know. I'm rambling.

Peace. Easy,
Beth

This is what they were doing in Austin Texas before I left. NAMI had a lot of input into that program but here is rural and much poorer.

@Sunflower123, again your descriptions are so lovely! I like how you write.

You are so much busier than me. I can't remember many days in my year that I did as much. Perhaps it's my medication sedation, a little my age and waning physical endurance, to a degree, but mostly my inability to handle so much, psychologically. I used to seem more a Type A personality, but now am closer to Type B. My energy levels also notably waned. I'm not totally lamenting the change, as it's brought some benefits, but yea, sometimes I wish I could handle more. I consider it an aspect of my disability. Do be happy you have so many activities to look forward to. And your nephew sounds so pleasant. Hugs are priceless!

I wrote and then deleted a post yesterday regarding calls to both my brother and sister. Dang, it is complicated! I want to do more to support my brother (and sister), but the options are limited living so far away and with them telling me again and again that I shouldn't come. I suggested to my sister that I could at least order some groceries (on my dime) to be sent to my brother. I do need to have an idea more of what he can and can't eat, given his health situation. I just looked and found a grocery store somewhat near him that delivers. He's been struggling to get out and grocery shop. Heck, grocery shopping can be stressful for many withOUT a major illness! If I do order some, I think my sister should be at his house to receive them.

Today Hubby and I will go to our property again. Unfortunately it takes far longer to get there than expected. So many detours! Why does it always seem when one road is closed, several are? The same seemed true in New Jersey where we lived, but at least there we were very familiar with alternative routes. The drive is otherwise nice, as we pass forests, horse farms, cow farms, and sheep farms. These animals always look happy and extremely well treated, with large green areas to roam and even pretty views to look at. Calves roam happily near their mommies. They have shade when they want, or bask in the sun. I saw two cows kissing each other yesterday, which was sweet. At least something pleasant!

I can't get passed my GI issues! I don't want to be going to doctors if the main cause is just stress. But then not going is worrisome, knowing the occasional risks of ignoring things. When I went to the doctor thinking I had a UTI, to be told I was fine, it made me feel a little embarrassed, in a sense. So often when I finally go to a doctor, the problem has suddenly vanished. I'm delinquent about so many things, though. My hair, the dentist, gynecologist (and mammogram), nephrologist, therapist, soon to be psychiatrist, likely ENT...I rely too much on Hubby to help arrange these and take me to the appointments. Poor guy is overwhelmed! Once I get some set up, I'll take a bus (and tram) to them on my own, if necessary. I'm not yet supposed to drive here and am still not fully used to the road rule differences. Plus, I have a mild driving anxiety, to boot. Always have. Sucks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu This is what they were doing in Austin Texas before I left. NAMI had a lot of input into that program but here is rural and much poorer.

How was the program in Austin, was it helping?

@Soupe du jour boy, I’ve been trying to respond to you for hours now! I kept falling asleep and the heat is out so it’s 50 inside and it’s hard to type. Haha! What a day for this to happen!

I think you are a wonderful sister! Having groceries delivered is such a brilliant yet practical idea. Very helpful indeed if you decide to do that.

The drive to your new home sounds lovely. I am sorry about the detours and length of time it takes.

Please do think about getting your GI issues checked out. Yes, it could be stress but then again….better safe than sorry. I hope things clear up and you feel better soon.

Thank you! I appreciate you saying that.

Someone mentioned my activities and whether they were realistic or even real. I do have a lot of drive and energy, true, but I mostly try to outrun the dreaded depression, SI, and demons if you will that nip at my heels. It works for me to stay really very busy at times and I do that well. I am generally happy to have so many activities to look forward to. My nephew is a true gem and I agree hugs are priceless! There was a period of time after brother died that I spent hour after hour staring at the tv. Staying busy is much better.

It’s soooooo coooold!!!!!!

Saw my mom (And dad, but he was on his best behavior.) after work. Her cornea transplant is tomorrow. They leave for the hospital exactly 24 hours from now, so this will most likely be the last I hear from them, her especially, for a couple of days. I really hope it works and works for the long term. Fingers crossed.

One of the reasons I was over, apart from "Hey, hello!" and getting food from them, was an opportunity to play tech guru for a few extra minutes. I demoed alternate ring tones for her, so she can distinguish who she wants to receive calls from versus the multitude of spammers bugging her. Regardless of the outcome, it might be a useful tool to have given the number of spammers she's getting any given day.

Finally gave in and lit the pilot light on my heater. To be fair, it's starting to get cold even for me! (Twenty-five degrees right now!) My cat is still burrowed under the covers for the most part, but she ventures out more.

The gentleman who sideswiped my mailbox made good on his promise to buy another one. Nothing fancy, just a basic mailbox. When it gets a little warmer, I'll put the new one in. Be nice to have a change. Or more accurately to have something that is "my own."

What I mean is something (small or big) that is seperate from my family. Sometimes I'm given an excuse to go on my own, sometime I just do it. The changes of recent months, my bank account, my health care provider, my mailbox, all have explicit ties to family snooping, interference and control. Now, my actions weren't solely for the reason of giving a proverbial middle finger to my dad and cousin (The bank and the hospital chain both did wrong by me.), but the fact that it did doesn't bother me much.

Work was surprisingly slow yesterday. Hardly any sales. Hopefully that'll change today!

It is! Our heat went out sometime yesterday and we woke to a very cold house. It is 38 outside and 50 inside. Sssooo cold. Waiting on the heat and air guy now.

My experience with it was limited. I called the local help number twice. The first time they sent just one trained cop, he was older and calm and did help. The second time it was a young untrained cop who was nervous and decided I needed to be in the hospital. The mental healthcare over all changed for the better though. They got two more locations, more psychiatrists and had social workers assigned that made home visits. It’s hard to quantify how it changed but their attitude did change. It wasn’t big brother anymore or you will take the pills I give you or be hospitalized. It was more Input from the consumer. Their language ( consumer not ill person or patient) changed and it was more of a partnership.

I had quit the old treatment program and for years had no meds. I was working with a therapist though my new back then Medicare advanced provider, but they had no psychiatrists on it that were accepting new patients. My therapist found a place to prescribe but they put me on AD and I got worse. My therapist agreed with me that ADs were wrong for me. After I had my last really bad depression and that changed into mixed I reached out in desperation and they had changed. They listened to me and agreed no ADs. They also agreed no hospital. It was more a partnership than a dictatorship.

It's cold here!

I much prefer it to the summer heat though....

It reminds me of somewhere I used to live which was incredibly cold.....

Hugs and support from a chilly place here (actually it isn't too bad, see post above)

I can relate to feeling scared almost all the time (worse lately again)

It's so hard when our perspective of a place has to transition ... (I've been there myself in a sense, a whole lot of ''stuff'' being thrown at me, quite a long time ago.....) (not this part or even forum)

I was going to write more but must eat (not salmon tonight)

much love

I like your new ''siggy''?

Peace, Easy

I hope Bizi is doing ok?

I saw my therapist. It went good despite the fact I'm feeling bad again today. She told me the new therapist does take my insurance. And that she won't be gone for as long as she originally told me. It was a relief to be reassured. She does seem incredibly concerned and confused the way everyone else is, about me getting covid basically out of nowhere after being so careful for so long. She wants me to keep her updated about my bloodwork and then about my doctors appointment next week. I don't know if she thinks theres something more going on. But she did seem pretty concerned about me. Anyways I don't have any other plans today.

My therapist just sent me an email with the rest of our sessions listed and then a couple appointments with the new therapist set up. They are afternoon ones in December. Afternoons in December don't sound great but I'll have to make it work. She said the times would vary anyways and I can always tell the new one afternoons aren't good for me. But at least thats set up and one less of my many things to worry about.

Man, I'm so freaking pissed off.

Where did all the flowers go?

not about anyone here.

And that ''unlucky'' number, I try not to post then.

I'm so late for my meal. Must get my CRAP together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu My experience with it was limited. I called the local help number twice. The first time they sent just one trained cop, he was older and calm and did help. The second time it was a young untrained cop who was nervous and decided I needed to be in the hospital. The mental healthcare over all changed for the better though. They got two more locations, more psychiatrists and had social workers assigned that made home visits. It’s hard to quantify how it changed but their attitude did change. It wasn’t big brother anymore or you will take the pills I give you or be hospitalized. It was more Input from the consumer. Their language ( consumer not ill person or patient) changed and it was more of a partnership. I had quit the old treatment program and for years had no meds. I was working with a therapist though my new back then Medicare advanced provider, but they had no psychiatrists on it that were accepting new patients. My therapist found a place to prescribe but they put me on AD and I got worse. My therapist agreed with me that ADs were wrong for me. After I had my last really bad depression and that changed into mixed I reached out in desperation and they had changed. They listened to me and agreed no ADs. They also agreed no hospital. It was more a partnership than a dictatorship.

That sounds very positive, a huge improvement over what we have going on at this time. Encouraging.

Ohh, @Fuzzybear, I was watching a show based in the UK and was thinking of you. Such lovely, refreshing drizzle and rain. Beautiful green moss on the stones. And here we are, 32 Celsius today

When I was in Ireland I walked and walked through Dublin (actually, I was talking such a long walk because I was quite lost, trying to find my hostel), it was evening and there was a mist that made the air fresh and clean. I loved taking the pureness into my lungs when I breathed. I loved it and I wanted to stay there, rather than being baked by the sun like I am here. I was enchanted with the old cobblestone streets.

Yes, the new program was such an improvement . I was only with them for about a year and a half before I moved up to Minnesota. But I was very impressed with the changes there were.

I thought the house was chilly last night but I didn’t check it out. We just bundled up and crawled into bed. We woke up this morning and it was bone chilling cold. I guess for those of you up north 50 in the house might be bearable if a bit uncomfortable. Here in the south - that is just unacceptable. I had a full day planned. One I was looking forward to. It had to be sidelined to wait on an emergency call from the heat and air guy. I’ll probably still be able to make the drum circle. There is that.

I had a lot of down time today while I was waiting. Down time is not good for me - particularly right now. I’d rather stay busy.

For the record, I don’t hold grudges and I am very forgiving. Sometimes that it not in my best interest but that’s how I roll.

Hi Sunflower,
I tend to be very forgiving too. It's sometimes not been in my best interests either. Some family members in particular.

I don't like a lot of down time either. I hate waiting!

We have been clearing our cave... piano tuner is coming tomorrow to tune our piano and there were several bears on the piano (a grizzly, (living nature?) a tatty teddy and some others )

I love the rain, so much kinder than the baking sun. That sucks it's still so hot where you are.

I've never been to Ireland, I'd love to go there. Old cobblestone streets, I feel the same

Papa bear and I were watching an old Dire Straits (Mark Knopfler) concert the other day, I hadn't seen him looking like that before (he's a Geordie)

Is 32* c hot? I don’t know much about Celsius