Bipolar Check-in #75

Today is going a bit better. I’ll still be up all night getting me and mom ready. I’m focusing on the positive as I work.

The one year anniversary of my brother’s passing was recently and mom and I were both emotional and teary. I had no idea that I should expect that. Feeling better today.

I still haven’t heard anything about my disability review. I hope no news is good news. I’m going to put that out of my mind through vacation.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

Well I used a color remover (dye remover) on my hair, and it has turned out bright yellowy orange - so garish!!! I did it because I want to get it dyed two colors (red with strawberry blond highlights). Hairdressers always want to give me dark brown to cover my grey, but I'm so pale that dark hair doesn't suit me. Whereas reddish hair looks natural although it isn't my natural color. Honestly I prefer this garish color to dark brown.


The good thing is that dye remover didn't seem to damage my hair at all.


So I am confining myself to home for now, lol!!! I have a color consultation at the salon on Monday, and then cut and color. If I have to go out I will be wearing a hat!!!

This will be the first time in months I've had a professional cut/color. Sure hope it looks decent afterwards.

Nice!

Much better day today! Busy but not stressful. There was an AC issue in the store I'm posted at. In short, I would not be surprised if the heat was on considering how stinking and consistently hot it was! They did say they were working on it and I did see workmen, so fingers crossed they got it taken care of!

One issue I need to resolve pretty quickly: Swollen feet and ankles. I never went to the doc as my discomfort abated and I thought being back on my feet for work would help. It hasn't. Well... crap.

Anyone else feel super self-conscious when you go to a new doctor (it was a specialist in this case) and the intake nurse asks you what medications you’re on and you immediately think how much paper do you have and if you know what half of these are for you will think I’m batsh!t and totally judge me? Cuz I certainly do.

My daughter saw me take my night meds the other day. She was stunned. Also stunned that I take the whole cocktail in one gulp.

I wish propranolol was as good as a benzo because I’d kill for a Xanax right now. No sleep for me tonight 😔

Congratulations

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Well night two of tossing and turning. Ugh, just too hot. Have the aC on but still too warm. For some inexplainable reason my cat joined me. Usually he leaves after I turn the light out because I took and turn too much for him. But tonight he stayed and is now on my lap.

Wish I could take more ambien and sleep 💤

Congratulation with the signing of the lease! Trees and lake! Don't worry about the next four months. They will run fast and then you are over the bump. After that comes month after month with hopefulley good life, beautiful view and no worries about the payment! I wish you well!

I agree with that. Hope it continues that way!

I usually color my hair by myself, but some weeks ago I let a professional do it and it became almost like the natural color it had when I was younger. It made me feel younger!

Wish you good luck with the visit at your GP! May be he/she can recommend some special socks for your feet and guide you into what else you can do to improve that part of your total health.

I feel better today! I am sitting at the breakfast table for as long as I want today. I skipped my usual plan this morning. Only sitting here and relax. The sun shines in through the window and I feel fine. The temperature is fine.

I know that in a little while I will be able to continue my ordinary morning program. After that I will make my food plan and visit the grocery shop!
To all:

Congratulations, @Nammu! I hope that after the move your new digs will offer something unique that you will like.

@Sunflower123, hopefully your review goes smoothly. A year sure does fly by quickly.

@Samicat, I hear you on the hair colors. My natural color is brown, but it's too dark for my fair skin, too. Looking back at even my youth, the lighter golden (or auburn) was better. Yesterday I saw a women in more need of having her roots colored than mine, but that doesn't excuse my delinquency. I think all of the sun has helped lighten them a bit.

Ugh 😩 only four hours of sleep. My mind won’t let me sleep. I rarely set the alarm and was very surprised when I woke up so early. My back already hurts and I’ve so much to do today.

Yes I feel self conscious about all the meds I'm on!!! That's why I haven't gone to my GP in years for a physical (they call me and harass me to make an appointment every year). My GP treats me like I'm a lunatic! I'm just going to have to make a physical and deal with it.

Anyway, I COMPLETELY understand.

Hey all! I'm back from my trip and almost feeling back to normal (like not excessively tired from all the exciting activities of the weekend). This weekend reminded me of much to be thankful for. I really hope I never lose it! We went to visit my inlaws at their place and they are just the sweetest! The kids are so much fun too! <3

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I went out to breakfast and I ate half a waffle with stuff on top. Then my mom and I did some more shopping. Idk. The heat was getting to me but we got to all our stops including the thrift store where I found a cool cosmic galaxy Hollister hoodie and the bookstore where I picked up some self help books. Now I'm on my way home and I'm just in pain and whenever I put my hand agaisnt that part of my stomach or shift around it hurts and I cough up phelgm. It was a succesful trip. I got a lot of shopping done and I got out to eat twice which will make my therapist happy since we have been dealing with that a lot n sessions.

I just kinda want to throw up right now even though I haven't eaten much overall.

I ordered a wedge pillow from Amazon that should be here any hour. I researched them and found what is supposed to be the best one for acid refulx and gerd and colds and other health issues. I'm hoping it helps. I use 3-4 pillows at night and still have trouble. Right now I'm tired from the heat and coughing a lot

Dear fellow-sufferers,
I shall try to make this understandable for you. It hurts!

One of the reasons because I am so fond of schedules is because I have «tons» of experiences around that without a schedule my thoughts, hidden behind inner doors, have a tendency to pup out and make me feel sad or inferior, like I am some sort of «dirt» at the bottom of the rank ladder. (I have a high academic degree).

As I told in my former post, this morning felt OK and I felt so comfortable that I could allow myself a little space outside of the schedule. Suddenly I found out that some people had given one of my grandmothers an incorrect title. It is not that titles in themselves mean something to me, but the information somebody had put out on the Internet was wrong. I felt it degraded my father's mother.

My parents are complete different personality types. I cannot understand how two so differnt people became married. I am almost like some sort of my father which my mother regretted that she had married. If you have heard of «parentified children» you know where I am coming from. My mother told me everything that, in her view, was wrong with my father. The problem was that those traits were the same as mine. When you hear your mother tell you that the traits you can recognize in yourself are the same as the traits that is a disgust to her, you don't feel very loved (she is clever with small children, so at least I got the first important attachment years in a positive way, but I was sick and at hospital for some months, so that loss of both parents for a while must have done something to my feeling of safety).

Sometimes before I became a teenager she made me to be her most confidential "friend". I did already feel like a jerk because in my school it was a custom to mock new people in the class. I was one of the new children and felt very alone and down before I found other friends. (I had a lot of friends before we moved). On top of this loneness I had to be my mothers nearest confidential and learn in an indirect way how far away form her standards I was. I didn't feel lovable.

My father was some sort of an artist. I have inherited many of his creative traits. He was also very fond of doing things in an ethical way, and so was and am I. My father was an intellectual and so am I. My father thought me how the see the beauty in nature and much more ...

My mother made a lot of good dinners and invited people over. For that she was admired. Please don't think she is a narcissist, because she is not. But she like to please others and make fun (just like her own mother). She is not especially fond of books.

I have been a good cook as well and before when I did not live alone, I invited people to come home to us as well. My husband saw that my mother didn't recognize whom I really was. It was so good to hear it.

He is no longer among us and children and grandchildren are not in the nest anymore. Nobody tells me that I am OK the way I am anymore.

Back to my father and his mother. He was born out of wedlock and in those times that was almost like catastrophes. Everyone who had been lucky enough that their boyfriends married them when they became pregnant were very clever in mocking the alone-mothers. So what I felt this day was that the whole branch of my grandmother, my father and me were not good enough.

None of my coping strategies helped. I became more and more and more sad.

I have used years in therapy when I was a student. The therapist was the first I met with an education. My father had to quit school and provide for his mother and younger half-brother when his stepfather died. (He, my father, spoke five languages). When I started therapy it felt so good to meet other people with academic interests. I wasn't alone or «nonsense» as my mother called it. If my mother had read this, she had felt that it is «nonsense» for me to feel this way.

I hope I have been able to make myself understandable. It is not about titles, but about getting opened an inner door of old inferiority feelings.

I look around myself, here I sit in my pajamas (the clock has passed 08:00pm). My tables are messy. I have three badges with garbage that I couldn't go out with in my pajamas. The floor needs to be de-cluttered. Oh, what a terrible person I am. Or am I?

No, I refuse to let old inner invisible rejection harm me! Of course I could not go out with the trash when I was in the pajamas and of course I have had no time to do household cores when I needed to take psychological care of myself because of all the May celebrations (that could trigger a few days of "high"-feelings if I wasen't careful enough with my psyche). I feel calmer now. It helped writing it down, but my energy level is low.

I will have to decide tomorrow morning how to go on with all the stuff I need to do. I hope to be able to go to the grocery shop and to do parts of the housework.


For those of you believing in a higher power, I need prayers! If some of you have the energy to write a little positive response to this, it will probably be of help!

To all:

PS. My mother is kind. She always remember all her familymember from youngest to oldest with gifts all the year around. But to be able to accsept the differnces among us I needed help from therapists. But sometimes it becomes too much when the inner old memories knocks at my doors. The problen now is not to become stuck in this situation. DS.

I was more active today doing self-care and housework and got concerned about hypomania but i had a nice two hour rest so i'm not worried anymore. There is a woman in my drop-in that i like. She's fun, she smiles and laughs. So i decided i will try and pursue a friendship with her. I have a terrible habit of pursuing friendships with men and that's just futile.

Grief is complex. It's good that you and your mother shared in the grief.

I still miss my sister everyday.

@Rosi700 sending prayers. You are worthy! Every person has worth and it doesn't depend on whether their parents were married or what titles they have.

I did lots of writing today. I am almost at page 100 of my novel.

However, I feel like I am "behind" because some of the other writers in my writing group are further ahead in their novels than I am. Of course - because they started much earlier!!! Yet sometimes I feel like I have to catch up, which is dumb. I've always been a slow writer anyways, but in this case I am going along at what (for me) is a good clip.

It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, isn't it?

For instance, my husband and I are not poor, but we are the poorest in our families. Some people judge us for that, like we didn't work as hard or save as much. Comparisons are odious.

I wish we could stop comparing. Nobody has the right to judge someone else.

@Samicat Thank you! This warmed my heart!

Don't blame yourself for how you function. You are you and the others are them. Write in your tact and let the others work in theirs.


I have to say I have no sympathy for people who judge others by where they are on the income ladder. Some people feel better than others when they have a lot of money, as if their income is their highest value.

It is a good thing that young people have started to turn their values around, try to use less ...

I am disappointed!

It is morning and I have finished my looooooong breakfast after a really bad and "black" day yesterday. When I have written this, I will start finishing my morning cores and then continue with whatever needs to be done as long as my back tolerates it.

Yes, it is true that I am disappointed. Only one person had the guts to say something positive to me after my suffering and long post yesterday.