Bipolar Check-in #75

Added to my last post where I told I was disapointed about only one answer to my post 493: By the way I am very proud of my father's mother who dared to give birth to my father in spite of knowing that she would be ridiculed even by her own family members and because she was able to follow her own values. She has really been an inspiration to me!

I try to live according to my values even if it costs and I have tried to bring these important aspects of life on to those after me and am proud of them as well!

May be I should try to become more proud of myself?

I've been feeling very low energy, lately. Actually, a bit depressed. I told my psychiatrist that so she upped my lamotrigine a teeny bit, as well as the Seroquel IR. I don't know if these medication changes have exacerbated how I feel or if the depression is progressing. I have been sleeping more than usual and have less and less energy during the day. Having to go out so much is becoming too much for me. Today we had to go out to lunch with my husband's sister and nephew. I was thinking about bowing out, but I knew my husband would get angry if I did.

I have been so unhappy for a long while. Obviously the sickness and eventual death of my brother, and my dad's death, were big factors, but it was more than that. I feel like anything of my own, and my old hobbies, are just gone. There's less and less of me, nowadays. I'm too dependent on my husband, and even he is getting sick of that, as well. And yet when I tell him to do things without me, he won't hear of it. Even me driving is taken away. I feel like a bit of a prisoner. I told him I'd like to adopt a cat, but he's not interested in having on in the house. And the time never seems right. But I do need someone else. I'm refusing getting a parrot.

There's nothing really left where I originally come from. I've started to almost detest the place. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, anymore. Everything seems so hard where I'm at. Everything back where I came from triggers anger in me.

I feel deprived. I feel alone.

I read it offline so i couldn't reply then. Now I've forgotten much of what was said, but it's a very long post so i don't really have the energy to read it again. Sorry. I really am not sure what I'd say anyway. What were these values you speak of? And yes, you should be proud of yourself if you follow what you believe in. Doesn't make sense to praise others only for things you like about yourself. *hugs

Btw, most people don't reply to my posts either. It's just how it is sometimes

Why don't you drive? I ask because i don't drive these days either but even if i did, I'd not go anywhere alone so there isn't much of a point. Just have the other person drive. Lol No, but seriously, i have anxiety now. It's the specific vehicle we have that makes me uncomfortable and because of Covid, i stopped doing the errands and it has now been like 3 years since i last drove.

Also, i wish i had a cat, but husband doesn't want to have us leave it when we go on vacations. He doesn't trust anybody here. Plus we really don't have the room for it (no good place for litter or for it to really play), which is both mine and my husband's views.

I'm sorry you're going through these things. It's weird how big events are sometimes even easier to deal with than the everyday living stuff. I mean, not to elittle the deaths of your loved ones, brother and father at that. Must be very hard. But i know what it's like feeling worse about just the everyday things. Like maybe because to others it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's very hard for you.
Hugs

I'm feeling very bored today. Missing the days of excitement being with family and taking care of kids and playing. All i do here is sleep, work, and go online. I really need to start working out again, but some thing or another always seems to get in the way.

Oh Soupe

Last night I woke up at midnight in pain. In that same pancreas area. I stayed up until 4 and I finally got my closet floor cleaned. Something I've been nagged about for awhile. Then I fell back asleep. I fell asleep on my right side and I kept coughing myself half way awake but getting back to sleep right away. This went on until I drank some water from my night stand. This is the second sleep coughing episode this week.

Today I got to the grocery store and got some necessities. Then I came back home and I feel like my cold is fully back. It was doing ok for a few days. My nose is running a lot and is stuffed up again and I'm headachy and tired and just low in energy and I still have this dumb cough. My mom told me to go easy on the kleenex since we forgot to get some at the store. I honestly can't remember how many boxes I have gone through.

I seem to be doing ok with just 2 valium instead of 3. This is day 3 of just being on 2. Maybe some of my new stomach meds help with anxiety or some ****. My pharamacy needs to get their act together though.

To be fair on sites like this, I've noticed that if I make long posts people are less likely to respond. I'm not sure why, but I think maybe focus is an issue when people are emotionally overwhelmed. Sometimes I include a tl:dr (too long didn't read) summary at the end to help people understand.

With workouts I sometimes just put on a YouTube video and watch it while I do a workout at home with weights and bands. There are exercise videos on YT as well. If you can't get to the gym, workouts at home can be as intense if you plan them out.

Oh hon it sounds like you are depressed With all you've gone through it's understandable. And all that was really recent - you are still in grief. You can't expect yourself to heal so quickly. Are you talking to any therapist or ? Even a few appointments could help.


Do you have neighbors with cats you can pet?


It's good to make yourself do things, but your husband has to understand you are still grieving and need to rest after. You need a full year to recover from a family death, let alone two.


After my best friend died, a therapist told me to do "grounding" throughout the day where I focus on my feet on the ground connecting me to the Earth and take some deep breaths. Barefoot on grass is best but any surface is fine. Just take a few slow, deep breaths and focus on your feet touching the ground. Proven to lower cortisol (stress hormone). I love this and still do it because it's so quick and easy.


And remember you need LOTS OF TIME to recover from 2 deaths in your family. A few months is not enough. It took me at least a year to stop crying over my Dad's death, and sometimes I still do. I know these meds they put us on sometimes stop us from crying and that's a shame because we need the catharsis.

Thanks for your kind responses, giddykitty, Nammu, and Samicat. I'll respond more tomorrow. It's about 10:30 pm now and I'm spent.

Giddykitty, I know how to drive, but am still not fully educated about driving in Czech Republic. I'm an American and some signage and rules are different. Legally, I'm not permitted to drive here until I attend and pass their autoškola (driving school). It's far more complex than the tests in the US.

End of my first work week back. Amazing sales, so I'm looking forward to that first commission check when it comes. Might have an issue (I hope not.) with a member of the competition.

I was, admittedly, in the wrong to start with, overstepping my bounds in regards to not stepping on toes. I owned up to it, apologized and moved on. I'm not so sure she did. I saw her talk to a Walmart manager who then took me aside and gave me the exact (I mean word for word.) spiel. I called her out on it and she gave the excuse of bad timing. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't believe it.

You know what: today's my Friday. So... I'm not going to pay it much mind the next few days. If I hear it again though, my boss is going to hear about it because that's out of order!

I skipped ECT this week. My son passed on his cold to me and I got progressively worse as the week went on. The thing is my grandmother was going to take me (the clinic is ten minutes from her house) but because of the early hour I was going to spend the night at her house. I didn’t want to take the chance of getting her sick. So I spent Friday resting at home and I think it really did me good, I feel much better today. I’m coughing a lot but I don’t feel as exhausted. I did test me and CR for Covid just in case but we are negative.

I took CR to the dr on Thursday because he’s had a nasty cough for weeks now. The dr believes it’s mild allergy induced asthma. She could hear wheezing as he breathed. So he has a prescription for singulair and an as needed inhaler. He’s always had awful allergies in the spring but he’s improved a bit this year after his surgery last summer. Tonsils, adenoids, bony nasal turbinates removed and ear tubes put in. He can breathe and hear so much better. And no snoring! I used to be able to hear him up there all the way down in my room but now, nothing. It was a bit unnerving at first!

We took CR to the historic penitentiary in the city today. He had a great time looking at all the ruins. I kind of freaked him out joking about how it’s supposedly haunted haha. He wouldn’t go in the cells by himself. But we had a good time and then walked a couple of blocks to a tavern for lunch. Delicious food. All in all a good day. Next Saturday is the county cultural fest in the park. We went last year and got fantastic empanadas at a food truck. Unfortunately ECT really messes with my memory and I do not remember anything else about it. I was also quite ill, starting to slip into my paranoid breakdown, at the time and that messed up my memory as well. So we’re going to go again this year and it’ll be like my first time haha.

Only 12 days of school left! I signed my contract for next year. And I got confirmation that I’ll be working ESY (summer school) as an autism assistant. I’ve heard it’s a total sh!tshow but it can’t be any worse than my experiences at the behavioral schools I’ve worked at. It’ll give me something to do and a little money for the summer.

@Soupe du jour:

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so lousy. It's understandable tho given your recent losses of your dad and brother. Try to be patient with yourself.

Dear @Rosi700

I loved this post from you. I just now read your long post. It seemed that your father was kinder to you and more artistic in his life, you tend to gravitate toward him. Are you close to him are they still living?
bizi

I am glad that you will try to be her friend.
you are right about being friends with men, forget it. unless they are gay. sexuality tends to get in the way of male friendships if that is what you mean by futile???
bizi

Sorry you got sick, but glad the Covid test was negative.

Main reason I'm posting is because I'm glad the surgery worked for your CR. It sounds like very similar procedure my H had (minus the ear stuff...no, actually it was just the turbinites stuff and some other stuff that i can't think of now.). Unfortunately it didn't really seem to improve his condition. He still has trouble breathing at night and terrible seasonal allergies. He's thinking he might have to go back, but it's so frustrating because it was painful recovery and is not easy on the pocketbook. I wish he could not have this problem. :'(

Oh, I have many values ... One of them is to never give up whatever comes in my way. Another value can be to stand up for people who in some way or other are feeling outside of society, like Native people. I cannot name all my values here.

Nohooo! I do not praise others for things I only like about myself. You have misunderstood that, but that doesn't matter.

@Soupe du jour

I am sorry on your behalf. Hope you will recover soon. (I feel down myself, but will be able to cope).

I agree with that (that long posts can be difficult to read for those with cognitive problems at the time being because of depression or other), Samicat.

I think this is the only time I have asked espesially for support Usually I let it be up to people to decide if they are able to say some comforting words or not (people are in differnt conditions here).

What happened was that I found something online that functioned as if somebody smashed right through my outside and into my most vulnerable parts. May be it wasn't well written, but thanks again for your quick response to it.

When I took the step to tell I was disappointed, I didn't do that because I like to cry out for help for the smallest "thing". That is far from my personal way of being in this world. BUT, and that is important: I think it is better to be honest about how one feels then to smile into the face of others and then talk about them behind their back.

I have met such a person online once (that smiled into my face and told me everything I said was OK and then turned around and talked behind my back), but that does not matter to me anymore.

I found other ways to get help for the crisis I suddenly experienced, yesterday, then waiting for help from my fellow-sufferers here. I am OK now, but very tired.

@bizi


Thank you so much, bizi! My father died several years ago. I am much more like him then I am like my mother, even if I have some traits from her as well. The real problem I talked about in the long post, was remembering my teen age years, the way it was, feeling that I was not accepted. It was as if I was that teenage girl again. I crashed. It is strange how it is possible after many years to still be pushed back into old feelings.

I have a good relationship with my mother now. I had a good therapist in my student time, that helped me to see myself and value my good traits.

Thanks again for taking the time to read the long post. I very much appreciate that you did that!

I fell asleep at 7 last night after eating 2 eggs for dinner. I woke up at 1:45 in pain but I couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from. But it made me feel super frustrated. Finally I took 3 of the meds my gastro doctor prescribed and a zofran and I fell asleep until 7. I was up for about half an hour but then I fell back asleep until right before 10. I took some tylneol and my stomach feels pretty good right now

This cold can go garggle tartar sauce though. I was coughing in my sleep again this morning and I've been blowing my nose again all day and coughing and I just don't feel great. I emailed my therapist and asked if she wanted to switch to virtual or have me wear a mask. She said its up to me. So I'm waiting a bit to see how I feel before I respond to her. Like what is the polite thing to do now...

My niece is over while my sister and bil and my nephews go see the new Spider Man movie. It was a spur of the moment thing but my mom was just like "sure" I'm guessing this will go on throughout the summer. We have the kids tommorow afternoon too while my sister is at a meeting.

I ate some soup for dinner and I feel decent right now.

I'm doing strangely good on just 2 valium a day. Kinda even better then on 3 a day. Go figure. I'm not having as many intrusive thoughts and I'm getting more done around the house. I'm finally getting my room deep cleaned. I got my closet floor clean and my floor swept. I got my laundry done and I have 2 more loads out of like 5 to put away. I'll do that in the morning. I'm taking my time. In IOP we learned you don't have to do everything all at one time.

I'm glad you got support and that my response helped. Please feel free to PM me if you like, at any time. I will not turn on you like that person you say did - that's awful.


It's funny how the past can slam us in the face. It's been happening to me a lot lately because I'm at a turning point in my life.

My husband's eldely older brother has seriously injured himself and is in the hospital. When he fell, he was desperately calling for help, but his wife who sleeps in another room did not hear him, because she was passed out drunk, like usual. The neighbor's heard and called for help. Firemen had to come to breakdown the door to get him to take him to the hospital. His face is injured, as well as his spinal cord. He has refused a suggested surgery. My husband's eldest sister, who also lives in Germany (near Munich), will see him tomorrow. My husband will likely join his other sister, who lives near us in Czech Republic, to drive to Munich. I'll stay home, which seems appropriate.

My brother-in-law is the same age as my recently departed father.