Bipolar Check-in #75

Tomatoes are my favorite food. Doesn't sound strange to me. I love eating them as a side to meals like macaroni and cheese or breaded baked white fish. The canned whole with basil is especially good. Or "stewed tomatoes" that usually include celery in it. My family members were heavy consumers of canned tomatoes. Especially me. I believe I eat tomatoes in some form nearly every day of the week. I did today.

I saw some stewed canned tomatoes I was thinking of getting but the can was huge. Whole tomatoes are harder to to find then other kinds for some reason. I like them too but I have to be careful because of my acid refulx.

I'm thinking of eating a can tonight with some butternut squash.

Usually there are some 14 oz cans of stewed tomatoes. At least there are (a few brands) at stores in New Jersey. Not in Czech Republic, though. Luckily I can still get most other tomato products here.

Tonight is the fire ritual and solstice sunset picnic. I’m still going but I have a really upset stomach. I think it’s stress related. We have been asked to bring a summer snack and I’m taking a cake made out of Angel food cake mix and crushed pineapple that I saw on Pinterest.

My nephew is in town from the army and my family is gathering Sunday to celebrate and enjoy a meal. My daughter’s and niece’s fiancées will be there so we’ll have a full house. Looking forward to it.

I was supposed to get my lithium levels checked May 11th and have not done that. I can’t explain why. I’ll do that tomorrow after my vision exam.

During the family reunion, I locked in my reservation to raft down a river with my cousin Paul and his sons. A little apprehensive but excited as well.

Wishing everyone a peaceful afternoon and evening.

@Mountaindewed, @Soupe du jour

Tomatoes are healthy for the brain, for the eyes and more.

There are still some hours before bedtime, but I don't have the energy to do more. I was able to do most of the items on my to do list for today. I only lacked 20 minutes on the house work items. I had hoped that I could work half an hour at a time, but I was only able to do it in 10 minutes sequences. I think it is wise to only try to put small amounts of time to my house work schedule. To be able to do something is better then sitting glued to the chair because the tasks do not seem manageable. (I can do other types of work for hours, but house work involves bending and stretching. My back is not the best for that). I feel relatively depression free and free of racing thoughts. I suppose I can thank my decision to stop worrying about living conditions for that. I will make my plan tomorrow later this evening.

Last day of school in the books! 13 days off until ESY. Unfortunately it’s supposed to be raining for most of those days I was hoping to be able to go for walks outside. I’ll still go to the gym, but I prefer walking outside in the fresh air. But I have to get used to going to the gym because when winter rolls around I will no longer be able to walk outside. I must form the habit now. Tomorrow I am dyeing my hair pink! Just on the ends though. Right now it’s a blackish brown. Close to my natural color. I always add a fun color in the summer. Last two years I’ve done blue and purple so pink seems like the next logical step

I’m actually a bit nervous to walk around my neighborhood by myself. RS had to call the police this morning because he saw a guy dressed in all black and a ski mask come out of our neighbor’s backyard. The man went over to someone’s SUV and tried to open the tailgate and the doors. So RS called the police and they said they’d gotten a call last night that someone was walking around looking in people’s windows! This guy hung out in our neighborhood all night. I would have thought by 7am he would have left but I guess he didn’t want to leave empty-handed. The man was arrested thank goodness. Still a little bit anxiety-inducing! I guess when I take walks I’ll be sure to go mid-day and leave one of my headphones out so I can still hear around me. I also sometimes go to the park so I can walk in the shade so that’s a good plan too.

Tonight we’re going out to celebrate CR’s completion of sixth grade with all As and Bs. He did a great job even with me being hospitalized for three weeks in February. Way better than I did in sixth grade! Gosh I did awful. But then, my father had just died the year before and my mother was suffocating with depression so yeah. I’m very proud of him that despite all the trauma he’s suffered in his young life he’s still a cheerful, happy kid with amazing accomplishments!

One of the staples I grew up on was Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with a can of stewed tomatoes substituting for the milk, then add a can of tuna and stir. It sounds gross, but it's a quick dinner.

I messaged my GI doctor because I feel like my carfate and bentyl are causing weird side effects. Especially after the 3rd dose I take each day. I haven't slept decently in weeks. I've had partial insomnia. Then I've had this odd anxiety. Like my general anxiety is bad but my situational anxiety is better. Idk. I'm ok going out of the house to go shopping and I'm not having any paranoia but I'm having a lot of anxious thoughts about just stuff in general. I'm dwelling on the past more than normal. I mean like way back in Jr. High.

I've had some strange thoughts too. Not anything dangerous but I saw Christiane Amanpore or however you spell her name, that lady on CNN, and I thought that she looked pretty attractive. Then I googled her and realized she is 65! I am 30 years old. I instantly felt weirded out with myself and was able to snap out of my feelings.

But idk. Sounds like a med reaction I think and the Carafate and Bentyl are the newest. Unless I'm still ****ed up from the Endoscopy. Or from insomnia or some ****.

I did something dumb and I don't know what to do. I mean. I do know what to do but I don't want to. Did my ****ing doctor leave an ovary in though or something. Why am I so emotional tonight.

Well, today started out lousy but improved dramatically. My building said they were bringing a plumber around early to do work, but he didn't show up and it got delayed til tomorrow. I'd gotten up early and waited around for hours so i was quite annoyed.

But then i went into my mental health drop-in and had a good time and one of my favorite people there said it had been a pleasure to see me!

Then i solved this diet cola crisis i've been having as i just love the stuff and my brand changed formula and i don't like it anymore. I found a new brand i DO like and am just overjoyed!

Then i got to help out my neighbor who helps me with my dog when she had tech dif with her computer. I'm always delighted when i get an opportunity to help her out as she's such an angel to me!

I do really agree with you! Now is the time to make good habits before the winter. I am trying to do the same!

I have been able to do all household cores that I had on my to do list for to day. It is good to see that the work has been done. I will make new plans for tomorrow later this day. Feel almost OK.

I start my DBT group today. We will see how it goes!

Most of DBT has been really helpful for me. Some of it I can’t get behind but the distress tolerance is really very useful. You have to commit to applying it though. Keep all the papers they give you or get a DBT workbook to keep track! You’ve got this!

Man, sleep is very hard lately. I go to bed between 11:30 pm and midnight every night. But this being awake until 3am and then waking at 6am! It’s for the birds. Can’t wait for my pdoc appointment next week. I hope he can help me.

Hello friends, my volunteer job is going well. I love all the kitties I get to meet each week.

I went to the food pantry today to get food for myself because my Foodstamps were lowered and it’s been really difficult to make it through each month. Anyway I got a lot of good food there to get me through and sometimes they also have pet food or cat litter. This time they had dog and cat food available. So I got a free 16lb bag of Iams cat food for my cats (Mustachio and Maybelle) which is really helpful, it’s a huge bag, I’ll post a pic in a second and of my cats since I haven’t posted pics of the girls in awhile

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The first part sounds yummy to me. As for the tuna add-in, I'd have to give it a try to know. I do like tuna in most ways.

Hubby went to a funeral today, so I was home alone. The friend said she understood if I didn't come.

I thought I'd enjoy the time more, but I didn't. The electricity briefly went off and when it returned I failed at getting the internet up and running again. I'm using phone data. Also, one of our new heating/AC units started leaking water onto the wooden floor in the living room. I turned it off, but it leaked more so put a bowl under it. The water left a stain on the floor.

I made a French Provencal stew today, but will eat it tomorrow. Now I'm just lying around with a feeling of malaise. I feel so unhappy. Needing to be patient longer and not knowing what's ahead is a small torture.

Our friend's dog "The Killer" killed yet again. This time one of the neighbor's baby bunny rabbits. Of course the neighbor should secure them better, but at the same time many dogs don't kill animals on a regular basis, or at all. The neighbor also said he was going to build a fence, but hasn't. That would at least keep the dog a little away. A few days ago, the dog even attacked a much larger dog that was chained to its dog house. That dog had its jaws around "The Killer" in defence. The owner had to open his dog's jaw with a rod. "The Killer" was lucky she didn't get killed, but she has teeth marks on her body. She's generally friendly with us, but I confess I wouldn't want her near any pet.

Hope it goes well! I’ve never been in a DBT group but I do use DBT type stuff in my daily life and it helps

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I had this like psychotic crisis last night where I swore my mom was sick and was hiding it from me. Finally after a long text of her saying she wouldn't hide it from me and she would be getting finances ready for me and my brother and she like was just really urgently telling me she was fine. I believed her. But I was pretty S last night and I think its a med side effect. Possibly from my Carafate. Also I had run of of zofran a few days ago and that helps with my physical side effects of my anxiety from the nausea I get. I'm back on it now.

Today I'm feeling better and less anxious and not S. I'm watching a TV show instead of CNN. I did message my doctor about the carafate. My mom tells me not to worry about things. The house is paid off for me and my brother and is in a trust along with a decent sum of money and my sister is the payeee and my mom trusts her and my brother in law and so do I. My uncle and aunt are in charge of stuff too. My mom says everything has been taken care of by the lawyer. But then she points out to me that she is only 71 and my grandma lived to be 85 and my great grandma lived to be 96.

Idk. I think everyone worries about their parents getting older.

I think it was kinda the lack of zofran causing my weird anxiety because I do feel better then I did yesterday. I've sort of improved my diet. Last night I had another can of tomatoes for dinner. Then this morning I had some Green Giant cheesy cauliflower. Then I ordered my iced matcha latte the normal way instead of with skim milk so it would be more filling. I feel full on less calories then what I normally eat. But I don't feel like I'm restricting either.

Been sick with some kind of virus all week, and it is making me depressed. Finally a sunny day today (it has been very dark all week) so I'm going to go outside for a short walk.


I am very prone to depression when sick. At least I have kept up with writing a little each day.


Hi to everyone. Hope you are all well. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

@Samicat feel better soon.

My Brother was here yesterday ! His wife and oldest son too. I can’t begin to describe how happy I was that he came up. Wish he would have been able to stay the night but this is the first real vacation in decades for him so I’m glad he’s out doing so much fun stuff and he deserves every moment.

Hugs to all

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Well my hair is pink! It’s super cute.

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical today. I decided since the weather was crappy to go to the gym and once there I decided to try the elliptical for the first time in months. I didn’t feel like I was gonna die! Usually I’m desperate to get off the elliptical. I specifically told myself to make it ten minutes at least and walk the rest on the treadmill if it was too much but I made it. I was so proud of myself that I’m going to go again tomorrow and up the intensity, at least for ten minutes. If I have to turn it down I will. I’m big on not making myself suffer during exercise. I used to push myself super hard but I think that would just turn me off from exercising. So now I go as hard as I can but if I’m feeling a bit too overworked I tone it down without making myself feel guilty about it. It’s been a little over a month and I’ve managed to exercise 4-5 times a week every week. I am definitely proud of myself. I decided not to focus on weight because I wasn’t really losing so now I’m not weighing myself and I’m focusing on eating for health and strengthening my body. It’s much better for me.

I went to Trader Joe’s and bought all sorts of yummy snacks, to be enjoyed in moderation. I love Trader Joe’s but I rarely go because it’s always so crowded. I go on a day like today when I have the day off and can go at an off time. It was still crowded but not nearly as bad as the weekends.

I have to contact my pdoc about my propranolol prescription. They are “waiting for approval” for a 90 day supply and he hasn’t responded yet. My heart rate keeps jumping over 100 bpm quite often during the day, which is the reason I was put on it in the first place. I’m starting to get chest tightness and pain briefly during the day which I assume is due to tachycardia. I don’t really feel like going to a cardiologist, once again they never take me seriously. The propranolol works fine if I can just get it approved.

I’m thinking of really pushing my mom to move in with my grandma for a couple of months so we can get her house in order. It needs new siding and some new windows to start with. The big box bay windows in the front is about to fall off the house it’s so rotted. But she won’t let anyone in the house because it’s such a hoarder’s nightmare. She needs to vacate and me and RS can clean the whole place out. We’re actually thinking of buying it if my mom will sell it to us cheap. We would totally redo the whole place. First clean it out, then a new kitchen, update electrical (nothing is grounded!), new heater, install central air because none of the windows support air conditioners, new bathrooms, new flooring…it would be costly and difficult but it would be a shame to let it go to waste. It’s a nice house, four bedrooms and two baths, in a great neighborhood with good schools. It may not be structurally sound anymore is the problem. We’ll find out when I get the siding guy in to look at it.