Bipolar Check-in #75

Thanks, @buddha1too!

That's great you have such stability, and on a smaller cocktail. I had a similar experience after years on a behemouth. I believe such modifications to the "chemical consumption" can make a difference that's not just coincidence, yet you clearly still take a solid treatment amount that hopefully won't trigger a new episode. Please just coast along with this stability, happily, if you possibly can. I try to create a pleasant focus during such times, and keep my eyes on that ball.

My Lamictal was recently increased a bit, but so was my Seroquel IR, so no weight loss or low hunger for me. Maybe I can convince my pdoc to eliminate the extra Seroquel. I've been too tired and sleeping too much, lately.

My sister hasn't emailed me today. I'm glad. I hope she doesn't for a while. I won't contact her right away, either. What really sets me off is when she emails a triggering message at night her time (NJ) when I'm sleeping in Czech Rep. I see it as soon as I wake up (hard not to read), when I am already at my most irritable (NOT a morning person). She has been intermittently lying and secretive, which drives me nuts! She then socks me with surprises akin to F Us. I think 25% is from her and 75% her husband. Her husband is the main problem! She basically obeys the jerk. He's been a domineering abuser of her and my nephews from the start. It was clear as soon as I met him at 13 years old. She allows(ed) it, but I don't want him to abuse me, yet the sucker has power to do so, since my sister is the executrix of my father's estate. Once this is over, I will have ZERO to do with him for the rest of my life! I partially blame him for my youngest nephew's suicide. I have good reason. And he knows it!

Thank you to the peoples who wished me DBT well wishes. First group went fine. I'm taking it seriously this time around (didn't the first time because I thought it was just meant for BPD peoples and I don't have that).

I wish your sister would tell her husband where to go, but as that’s unlikely. I do wish you well. It’s bad enough you lost both your father and your brother without dealing with this stuff.

I'm off the bentyl per my doctors instructions. She said that was possibly the culprit. And it seems like it was. I slept good last night for the first time in weeks and my weird thoughts and agitation are gone. But my stomach pain now really sucks. I've tried just about everything I can and have, even stuff that may make me hungry and I'm not having much luck. I've eaten decently today and I had a couple sodas but I also had a ginger ale I thought would help my stomach. Right now I'm just tired I guess. Kinda let down by the news.

Thanks, Nammu!

I asked Hubby to finally take me to our favorite restaurant for dinner. We were supposed to go there for our anniversary back in late May, but it never happened, though we did go out to other restaurants since then. Both of us really cleaned ourselves up, nicely (for a change). I even wore a pretty blue dress with a blue stone silver pin and blue and white crystal hang earrings, the latter which I bought when I was only 17 years old. I felt good for a change. We ate on the restaurant's lovely balcony overlooking a pretty stream and green bucolic environment with some trees. A small horse was nearby, plus two goats trying to climb a tree. Sounds of sheep bleating were also heard.

On the restaurant balcony was a large cage with three beautiful parakeets flying around, joyfully, between perches and toys. That convinced us that we should finally make the move to adopt some birds again. This time we plan to get two or even three, rather than just one. I think that's best. They may not bond as much with us, but the extreme responsibility on us of fulfilling their social requirements will be eased. I want joy in our house again. Joy. The restaurant owner gave us the number of the breeder he got his birds from. We really like the owner. He's always happy to see us.

@Soupe du jour. That sounds wonderful, I’m so glad you got out. Oo a pet again, how wonderful! I’ve never had birds but I’ve heard it’s better to have two.

Yes, most birds can be very needy social creatures. My last parrot was especially so. He would have been most happy practically living on me. When I lost him, it was very very painful. More than one is better.

We'll have an indoor cage, but would also likely have an aviary set up in a greenhouse we're planning, during appropriate months.

I tried every med I could take including my hungry ones and I ate some saltine crackers with a ginger ale and my stomach just hurts. I don't want ****ed up mental health but I want to be able to function normally physyically too.

I swore there was some product called a Nook at one point but I'm too lazy to look it up and I'll have to google it later. Just some weird **** memory of mine.

I am glad to hear the two of you went out! You needed a pause from everything. Hope you will find your new birds soon.

I hope I am not sounding not polite, but is it possible for you to not look at your sisters mails in the morning? I know how hard it can be to change habits, but if you start with delaying looking at them first and then try to put it some hours out of your view, perhaps that will help to make your mood more stable. You have gone through more than enough in the last weeks.

I'm very bored and frustrated today, but i know it could be much worse. Like my hair is not standing on end with anxiety and i am not behaving outrageously due to hypomania. It's just uncomfortable and tiresome. I tried activity after activity but i couldn't tolerate any of them. But i'm not in any physical pain, i am safe, and i have peace, quiet and privacy. I guess that will have to be enough.

@buddha1too:

Thanks for your support! Yeah, this mild depression is lousy, but better than the consequences of hypomania, fun as hypomania is. It's for the best. Hard to feel grateful tho.

The paranoid and fatalistic thinking from the other night isn't going away. But then again, maybe it isn't paranoia after all. One of the competing representatives has made it clear she's willing to try and undermine me and hasn't hesitated to try and sic the store's department manager on me to force her agenda. I had discussions with the man where, essentially, I heard her words coming out of his lips. It's really petty stuff and fully in line with the playbook I've experienced most of my life. "You don't want to listen to me? I'll move heaven and earth to make you listen!" I'm not her subordinate. I'm under no obligation to do anything she says or indulge her beyond simple politesse. Apparently, that cannot abide!

At any rate, I have another way to do the task she was whining about me doing (with no comment or muss or fuss from anyone until this afternoon), if only to shut her up. It'll cost me $40+, but anything to maintain the peace, right?

Also, my weekend has officially started. I don't work until Wednesday, so, venting aside, I'm not going to worry about work and work related purchases until Tuesday night! I need the time to destress! My dogs need time to stop barking too!

On a slightly more positive note, my parents said their goodbyes to Buddy-Dog and even got him the small headstone they were thinking about. Basic epitaph: "He was our BUDDY" and gave the years of his life.

All that said and done, they found someone who was willing to give them a Shih Tzu puppy. They named him Buddy as well. I voted for Buster Keaton but what can you do? 🤷 Buddy 2 looks like Buddy 1 but with brown and white fur rather than black and white fur.

Got some pictures of Buddy 1 and Buddy 2 as well.

I've not posted on here in quite a while. I've been reading but not responding. I had my 3 day trip to the city for my high-risk breast testing and appointments, then my annual physical, then the next week had a 2 day trip to the city for my pdoc (scheduled at a weird time and I couldn't drive up that day because I can't drive until about noon b/c of sedation. Then the next week was getting ready for vacation and I was on vacation for 10 days. And since then I've just been catching up on life.

I'm on a diet now. I'd lost 15 pounds and then got depressed and gained it back. I was diagnosed pre-diabetic at my physical so I not only need to lose the weight I need to lower my fasting sugars and A1C. I have 6 months to do this before I'd have to start diabetic meds. The good thing is

that I was barely in the pre-diabetic range so hopefully it will be relatively easy to lower my labs.


Diet aside I had a wonderful vacation and have been enjoying cooler temperatures that let me be outside comfortably which doesn't usually happen this time of the year.

So all is pretty well except I'm hungry
and have eaten most of my calories for the day. I also have been having insomnia but that's just the way it goes for me.


I'll try to participate more now that things are settling for me.

Thanks, Rosi!

Not impolite advice at all! Common sense. It is hard to fight the compulsion to look, but I need to do so.

Not hearing from my sister yesterday made a huge difference in my mood. This isn't to say that I want to shut her out long-term, though. I just need a break. I want this to be over asap. I know she feels the same. I do worry that the whole selling of part of our dad's property (on the market) is causing anger and rifts. After that's all done, my sister wants to "buy me out" of the remaining property. Already she only wants to offer me a ridiculously low amount. I don't want to force it be put on the market (against her wishes), but offering me too little would cease to mean I get 50%. Yes, compromising is needed, but me getting notably less than 50%? I'm not a fool! And that wouldn't be nice of her. I'm not rich to be giving my inheritance away. She already has more wealth than me. "Buy outs" between siblings are bad news, I think.

I feel... stable. How boring! My hypomania/mania has officially come to an end, and I'm not depressed either.

Boo hoo about the mania though. I was feeling quite euphoric for awhile there.

I'm having a rough day...

Today is my sixty-something birthday. 2023 has been rough, so I don't feel like celebrating. My brother-in-law passed suddenly on January 29, leaving my sister to grieve him while also dealing with end-stage cancer. My sister died on March 10...six weeks after her husband. My two nieces now have no parents to go through life with. If there was anything to prop me up during that six weeks, it's the fact that I was able to be there for my sister . I was mentally stable and sober. That is a miracle. I have over 20 years of sobriety, but I think the events of 2023 were the biggest hurdle I've had to face during those years. Cheryl was my little sister; we were supposed to grow old together. It hurts to think of her. Her phone number is still in my cell phone, and I often think I should call her. And so it goes...

Today I'm going to a Detroit Tigers game with a group of folks in AA. There won't be a keg in the bus. I'm not telling anyone it's my birthday. I just want today to pass without muss or fuss. I'm still in mourning.

I hope everyone has a good day, everyone.

@ Aurelius710[/MENTION] I was sorry to read of your parents' Buddy #1. Losing a dog, or cat is almost worse than losing a family member. I'm glad Buddy #2 was waiting in the wings.

@Soupe du jour I was sorry to read that the BS your sister is dishing out continues. I'm glad you are thinking of buying another bird. You can teach it English so you have someone other than Hubby to talk to!

@BeyondtheRainbow I am glad that your medical procedure is in the past. That situation must have been an anxiety-producing. As for your weight gain, I'm right there with you. I'd lost 28 pounds, but fell off the weight loss wagon.

Oh, you’ve been though so much. I’m glad you have AA buds, I’ve heard that’s a great support system. No fuss, but happy birthday.

@buddha1too, first off, Happy Birthday! I understand wanting the day to pass quietly, given all of the extremely sad recent losses. However, you still deserve to be celebrated, my friend. I hope in some way you and Maureen will do so, if not today, then within a few weeks.

Losing a parent, a sibling, spouse, or worse, a child, is so so extremely hard! And yes, a beloved pet, as well. Honestly, it's hard to even know what to say in comfort, as I've only recently lost both my father and brother and attended their funerals just a few days before my own birthday last month. I also lost my mother about 18 years ago, and still deeply feel the pain and loss. My family lost my youngest nephew to suicide, when he was only 24, back in 2017. I've also lost beloved pets, and have felt deprived without one for a while. Death is such an inevitable trauma, for sure, but we must go on and do our best to savor the days that we have. I'm glad you've been stable. That made it easier for everyone. Anyway, I'm sorry for your losses.

Do take the time to grieve properly. I hope you and your nieces have therapists that can assist with this most terrible process.

Glad your vacation was good. When it comes to Diabetes, don't panic. Physical training and eating right is what you have to do. Take a walk for 20 minutes every day or go to the gym or swimming hall. When it comes to planning meals, it is about reducing sugar, eat lots of vegetables and legumes + nuts (without salt). Am sending you over to the American Diabetes association with regard to get ideas of what to eat. (I am a diabetic 2 myself).

Diabetes Food Hub

@Soupe du jour Of course you shall have 50 %, (Basta).

I am sorry for your losses and since you don't want to fuss up your birthday I only send a flower (behind the back). ()

I made an effort to be grateful today. It was partially successful. I had a quiet day at home because of the thick smoke. It's so thick at first i thought it was fog. Smells like a campfire outside. Some yahoos were playing tennis. Wha?

@buddha1too:

A gentle happy birthday.

Had kind of a boring weekend. In between numerous thunderstorms, it was too hot and humid to really do much outside. Saturday morning we did go for a nice long walk before it got too hot and stormed. Today I attempted to go for a walk but had to turn around pretty quickly because of another looming thunderstorm. It was sunny but there were ominous clouds to my left and I heard a couple of gentle rumbles. Better safe than sorry.

We did take my mom out to lunch. I’m going to attempt to get her out more. I have to have a serious talk with her about the house, but I’m going to wait to see what the siding people say. There’s extensive damage to one of the window frames because a shingle fell off awhile ago and rain got in, rotting out the wood. So that window definitely needs replacement, along with the big box bay window. I’m going to wait for the siding guy because then I’ll have a professional’s opinion to take to her. Hopefully she’ll start to see sense. But I’ve decided I can only do so much and if she doesn’t want to accept the help for whatever reason then I can’t get myself all worked up about it.

Tomorrow RS is going to the turnpike for his interview. He will be working until 4:30 if he gets the job and if he ends up at the yard with his friend it’s a 45 minute commute. So he won’t be getting home until well after five (right now he’s home around 4:30). There’s also a lot of overtime and some Saturdays. I will have to get used to him not being around as much. This is where it would be useful to have actual friends that I could talk to. But I’m just not social. My only two friends are my two sisters in law and I can’t really even call them friends anymore because I so rarely talk to them anymore. So I’m very alone. I have a lot of trouble trusting and getting close to others for fear of being judged for my illness. All my friendships with coworkers are surface acquaintanceships. And I just don’t go out in my community. I always wanted to do the NAMI groups but they’re all during the day and the DBSA group is at the hospital and I don’t like going there.

But the turnpike would be a wonderful opportunity for RS and for us as a family. State benefits, he’d get a pension, life insurance, state holidays, two weeks’ vacation time, and sick time. And it’s reliable, the turnpike sure isn’t going anywhere. So I’d just have to find ways to entertain myself. Walks, gym time, maybe try some new recipes. I’ll have to come up with a list of things I can do alone. I spent five years alone after my first husband died so an extra few hours a day won’t be too hard I’m sure. Just take some getting used to.

I have ECT on Friday, I’ve done very well in the last three weeks without it so if I can get down to once a month for now as maintenance that would be fantastic. Maybe I can fully skip my winter crash if I keep the maintenance ECT going. I don’t have to worry about winter for a good while though. Just enjoy the summer off!