Bipolar Check-in #75

Thank you - I did feel better today and the weather is nice so that helps.

It helps that both our cats' tests came back and they are doing great!!! The vet said he rarely sees such good results for 14-year-old cats.

I'm beyond furious at my sister. I'll leave it at that. I just want this hell in life to be over with. I don't mean life, though. Just the extreme stressors.

I'm entering the stage of depression where I feel paralyzed. Incapable of doing what I should do to even work my way out of it. I'm sure others here understand. "Snap out of it!" doesn't work in such cases. How and when the gates of inprisonment open can be a mystery.

That is the third hospital dream I’ve had in a row. First one I self harmed and was being chased down. Second one I was committed and no one would tell me why. I was arguing that I was perfectly fine and they were telling me I did something but they wouldn’t tell me what. Last night I dreamed I was trying to escape from the crisis center in the ER because again, I couldn’t understand why they were keeping me. And I knew they would hospitalize me because that happens EVERY time I end up in the psych ER. I swear at this point they just see my name and immediately say yeah, IP before even talking to me!

I wonder if my subconscious doesn’t trust my stability and is conjuring these dreams out of fear that it will all fall apart. My conscious brain is just enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. But everyone keeps asking me if I’m sure I’m feeling well and maybe that’s making my subconscious doubt itself.

Idk. I feel good and dammit I’m going to enjoy it. Because yeah, it could fall apart, it could fall apart tomorrow, but I’m not gonna worry about that. It’s not worth it.

I do understand. My last depression was like that. I “knew” I needed help, but apathy kept me from doing anything about it. Hopefully your husband can help at this point.

I completely understand. Even now after more than 5 years stable I have hospital dreams. Sometimes they start out with me working on the floor only to realize that I can’t leave. Usually I’m fine too but they are convinced I need to be there. Ugh. Fealful dreams. I get it.

@wildflowerchild25:

Congratulations on your success on the elliptical! We have one in our building gym and it really is a clever device. Take it easy, tho, it really works your quads. And i'm also concerned about you exercising with a heart issue. Please be gentle!

@Soupe du jour:

Sorry to hear things with your sister have deteriorated. Interacting with family can be so difficult, the relationships are so charged. I hope your depression does not last too long. The mystery of our episodes can be frustrating.

Thanks, @JaneOnceMore and @Nammu!

I did something good for myself today. At my nephew's (Hubby's side) urging, I emailed my old therapist from Brno asking him if he offers video therapy or knows someone that does, that speaks English. Or knows someone in Prague he could recommend, even for in-person. He was a great guy and I miss him as a therapist. Perhaps he'll have a suggestion, or if not, I made some effort. If its only the latter, perhaps that's at least a first hard step to looking further, versus not looking at all, which has been the case.

Oh, great idea soupe! Your nephew is a genius.

Great job Soupe! It’s so hard to take those steps when you’re in that stage of depression. Be proud!

@JaneOnceMore

I was concerned too, I actually wasn’t going to go today because of that. But I called my pdoc and he got everything worked out so I can pick up the propranolol. I’m going to pick everything up before going to the gym so I can take the propranolol before I go. Thank you for your concern! I appreciate it!

So am I !

@Soupe du jour I am sorry to hear that you struggle so much! I hope this will not last too long for you!

If you don't get a response, may be you can do a search yourself: "Englsish speaking therapist licensed for EU or for the Czechia?


Hope there is a good solution to this!

I keep gaining weight. Like 2 pounds every day. I count calories and stuff. I don't eat fried or fast food. I drink soda but I don't eat sweets like cakes or brownies. I'm not sure whats up. My therapist says its just stress and GI and lack of sleep. Idk.

I did too much. I’ve been running around changing my address. Then to the senior center for lunch then to give blood. Then immediately after I went to mum’s home to do some stuff. My sister was there and had everything scattered all over everywhere. I had no idea where my piles of stuff was that I had sorted. I pitched in and tried to carried things from the basement but it was too soon after the blood donation. I got so lightheaded and nauseous. I felt so sick, I came home to rest. Still nauseous. Boy when they say to take it easy after a donation they mean it. I’ve never had any kind of reaction before. I feel so bad, but I physically can not do anything right now. One week to get rid of everything. There’s sooooo much stuff.

This is the third day I feel well and productive (enough). I am satisfied, but very, very tired. I will have to make my plan for tomorrow after breakfast tomorrow.

Send good wishes to all!

I saw my psychiatrist today -- and I lied to him. I told him I'm doing fine. My therapist invalidated me about two weeks ago when I brought up how I felt I was slipping into a depression. She didn't mean to, she was just making me aware that my situation sucked right now (and has for a long time) and is contributing to my mood. But in the same breath, made it seem like any med change would be stupid. Whether that was her intention or not, I decided not to mention my struggling. I have good days and bad days like everyone else -- but I know something is still off.

Nothing really to report. Same old same old on my end.

Sorry to hear it. I hope you can avoid sliding into depression. I'm having a dip in mood as well. My mood perked up in spring but I'm not a huge fan of summer especially if it gets very hot. It doesn't help that I have extremely pale sun-sensitive skin and am overweight.

That's odd but if you have lost weight before your body may be trying to regain it. Or it could be sodium (water) weight. Just thoughts. For some reason I get the impression you are quite underweight.

I feel lousy. I stayed home from my mental health drop-in today because it seemed overwhelming. But now i'm bored and that's unpleasant too. I guess there was no winning today.

Come on, Brentus! Your therapist is not super-human, but human. Humans can make mistakes (say things with a tone that makes other misinterpret them or other ...). Therapy has one point to consider that is very important. Honesty from the patient. Without honesty the therapist cannot help.

I am not writing this to make you feel ashamed. I think you already know this.

If the therapist mean that shifting medication at this stage in your life is not a good idea, may be she has a good reason to say so. Remember, as a friendly reminder, that a part of the therapists job is to make the client think and rethink about "things".

I wish you well!

Greetings from a fellow-sufferer!

I am taking it easy today. It is Saturday, so after working hard for three days, maybe I need to relax only, as some sort of a reward. There will be a new "work-week" next week ...

I wish everybody a good weekend!

That’s a good idea rosi! Relaxing is good for the soul. Never good to push yourself until you collapse!

@Soupe du jour It seems youve been through the wringer for some time now. I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry you're having problems with your sister. Sometimes settling estates create hard feelings.

@Nammu I hope your sleep comes around soon. As for your dizziness after giving blood, I'd avoid vampires.

@JaneOnceMore I'm glad you were able to get through late spring without getting hypo. Now, all we have to do is get rid of your recent depression.

As for me? I've been scary stable for several months...a long time for me. Since my shrink retired, I've been seeing a NP for my prescriptions. She got rid of the Depakote I was on for years, and put me on Lamictal. She also prescribed Zyprexa and a small dose of an anti-depressant (the name escapes me at the moment). Since Lamictal fights food cravings, I've been able to lose a chunk of weight despite the Zyprex. I have no idea why my shrink kept me on my previous med cocktail for so long. This new NP really knows her shite. I am grateful but, even when I'm stable, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I've been on this roller coaster ride many times before. There was a line in the movie Tender Mercies (a rather old movie) that goes, "I don't trust happiness; I never have and I never will." I can relate.

I hope everyone has a good weekend despite the problems you might be struggling with. Again...I can relate.

Oh what good news! This is great that you found such an excellent NP. I do understand the the lack of trust in stability. For far too long the bottom could drop out at a moments notice. Hang in there. Despite the Rocky place I’m in I’m still basically stable. 5 years now. It can happen!

I just went and worked out in the gym
By myself for the first time! It wasn’t bad.