Bipolar Check-in #75

@wildflowerchild25 DBSA has online groups as well.

Online Support Groups - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Just make yourself fit into one of the groups, if you want to, and explain the others that you don't feel safe in not-online groups. I suppose they will accept you!

Best wishes!

I have been able to do housework at one part of the time today, but feel very tired now. I will lay down for a little rest before I go out to buy some cleaning stuff.

It is strange. The sun went away and I suddenly felt tired and then labeled it depression. Since I am repeating CBT methods, I asked myself: "Are you tired or depressed?" I decided that I was tired only and that that was OK. It is normal to be tired from time to time.

I'll rest for a while at the sofa.

I feel really down today and there is absoultly no reason to feel depressed. My weight went down. And I went to the dentist for xrays and cleanings and I was really worried I was going to need a ton of work done and basically I was freaked out my bottom teeth were falling out because of my soda habit. The hygenist said "you take really good care of your teeth." Then I asked the dentist about the tooth that bugs me sometimes and he blew air on it and it didnt hurt and he said "switch between your prescription toothpaste and some sensodyne toothpaste and see if that helps but everything looks great."

So idk. I must just have good genes or some ****. I paid $240 and set up a 6 month cleaning and that is it with the dentist. But I don't get why I'm still depressed. Why anyone would be really after going into the dentist thinking something super bad was wromg and coming out with a great report.

I just feel like crap and I don't know why.

At least my stomach doesn't feel like King Kong is in it anymore thanks to tylenol and a zofran and probably getting the dentist over with.

Being elevated and being on chat with 988 is really fking frustrating. I just want him to say "don't drink, dumbass, you have work tonight, at least wait until you get home."

I am sick. Pain in my ears. So that was that. Felt tired and thought it was depression and so it was physical illness.


That was a thoughtful lesson! "Don't ask why something is happening, but what you can do with it", says "the book". Well I have been resting and I will need to call some friends about tomorrow. We had planned something.


It's OK. The summer has more days to do fun things later ...

My day may be a little hard to get through. I am a pill short on my Adderall. Not sure how it happened, I probably lost it during my vacation packing. Anyway, I can't get the refill until tomorrow because my doctor sets it so I can only pick it up the day I run out (which is so annoying for someone like me who worries about such things). Just means I may be a little sluggish today -- I'll survive.

Nothing else to report, maybe I'll try to write more later.

@Brentus that would be annoying. For me it’s the insurance and Washington that keeps me from refilling my one prescription early. I always worry they are going to be out of stock and that it will take days to get it.

Speaking of which I have refills but I see my pdoc on Wednesday. So I’m not getting the refill hoping he will increase the dose as I’m not sleeping. I know I can’t go on this way. Not sleeping, not eating. Mostly I’m eating the individual salads that Walmart sells. My favorite only has 160 cal. I need more than that but the stress is too great right now. Something needs to change. I don’t have a microwave yet, and my kitchen is not yet unpacked. I’m hoping one we’ve got mum’s house cleaned out and on the market. Things will settle down.

Still I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m trying to focus on that.

Just went to mum’s today and got my DVDs and pottery. Most of it is in the car yet. The maintenance guy and the manager park in the ally. So I have to wait for them to leave before unloading. Not looking forward to that. Oh, for the moving to be all over with!

My stomach is in ER type pain again. I can take tylenol at 12 after. I ate some stuff this morning around 1-3AM and I had a Panda Express bowl at 11AM, but I can't even drink a caffeine free Coke now. I took an hour nap awhile ago which didnt help. Now I'm just really stretched out in bed. I hope Thursday gets here soon.

I got a hug today! It was from a fun man i was friendly with 25 years ago. He looks and behaves like "Better Call Saul" and i told him so. He says he gets that a lot. I was shy and uneasy with him tho, social anxiety i guess, so i just chatted with him briefly and said goodbye. It was nice to see him. He's put on a few pounds and gone grey, but so have i. It was nice to be treated so warmly by someone!

It was smoky again today but not as bad as yesterday and then we got a vigorous downpour at 4:00pm and even a tornado warning which thankfully didn't materialize. Anyways the rain took all the smoke out of the air, so that's super!

@Nammu:

Sorry to hear things are still so upside-down for you. You're right, not-eating-and-not-sleeping is not sustainable. Hope things settle down for you soon!

I did eat tonight. I went to lugg the most recent load of stuff in my car up the back way but my fob didn’t work. So I went off in search of something to eat. I ended up at the new Vietnamese cafe. I ate there once before and their food is to die for. I got something unpronounceable in medium spicy and it was delicious. I could only eat half though. So now I have a delicious breakfast for tomorrow.

Idk whats up in Russia right now. Something about them blowing up a nuclear power plant and Ukraine possibly heading into nuclear war. Their showing people taking cover in bathtubs.

Anything is better then going through this amount of pain so if they want to nuke us I'm fine with it.

I’m
Feeling bugs crawl on me….ugh. Looks like
I’ll be taking extra Zyprexa tonight

I am back from Indiana.
I was not prepared for the cooler temperatures.
I only brought shorts and short sleeved shirts.

My sister lent me 2 pair of long pants and a
couple of tee shirts and I bought a lovely fuzzy

inside and out jacket. It is so fluffy and warm I love it.
We were gone about 13 days, 2 day drive there and 2 days back.
Got to see my niece and great niece, at the zoo in Indianapolis.

It was great seeing them. emmy will be 4 this october!
now we are back to high 90's and one hundred forcasted for the end of the week and onto the next week.
yikes I am glad that I have a new car so the air should be fine which it is.
house a/c is 30 years old and still kicking says the repair man who inspects it 2 times a year. It still makes me nervous though being that old.
bizi

Yikes 30 is old for an AC! Wow heard high temps all over the south. So glad I’m no longer in Texas

Hi Bizi,

My house AC was about 20 years old and working when I replaced it.

My new AC is much more power efficient and my electricity bill has gone down. Also this new one is more effective so it doesn't run all the time like the old one did.

Just because it's working doesn't mean you shouldn't replace it, the newer ones are much more efficient.

@Nammu You're 100% right. Since I moved to my small town pharmacy I haven't had a problem, but CVS won't "look ahead" to compensate for things like that. I was constantly trying to pick up my meds the day I ran out to be told "We dont have enough, we had to order it" and have to wait an additional 3-4 days to get anything. And you know being a controlled substance makes it difficult as is, and because Adderall is Schedule II you can't even transfer a prescription or have refills (a new script every month), you have to call your doctor to write a new one for the new pharmacy.... which means you're calling around asking pharmacy after pharmacy "do you have my medicine?". You go through an experience like that once, you don't forget it! I've been so lucky I haven't had that happen to me since.

Picked up my meds this morning, no issues. Another month of a crisis averted I suppose. I have therapy at 11AM, I'll write more about everything after I have therapy today. Hope everyone is doing well

Today therapy was intense. We did some trauma work and boy I didn't realize how much I would feel in our first session doing it. It's really quite amazing some of the connections we made to current behaviors/thoughts and early childhood. I am gonna take her advice and try to self-soothe the rest of the day, maybe even eat some comfort food and relax.


I've noticed a lot of us lurk and don't speak up very much in the forum, but I want you all to know I appreciate and really like knowing about each of you and consider many of you distant friends. Thanks for sharing a little part of your life with me, and others.

I slept great last night even though I went to bed in pain. I woke up around 1 to take my meds and eat breakfast. Which is just how my body is scheduled with my meds and food. I couldn't find my vitamin d so I skipped it and ate an RX bar and a small bag of ketchup chips and a Mountain Dew. Then I fell back asleep shortly after and I woke up at 6:50 feeling pretty good.

I actually felt well enough physically and anxiety wise to go out to breakfast with my mom. We went at 8 and the place was pretty much empty. Our portions were huge. I got 3 stuffed crepes. I ate half of one. My mom brought most of her food home too.

I googled vitamin D when I got home and I guess it can mess with your stomach and give you some GI issues. Idk if thats the case for me. But when I went to take mine 1.5 hours ago I began to feel sick. I also only took 2 valium today and after the second one my stomach started to feel really messed up again.

So I felt better without the vitamin D it seems and then worse after I took it. But I haven't eaten much in awhile. So who knows.

I also don't know what I saw on TV last night about the attack on the nuclear power plant. Probably Putin just blowing smoke out of his *** again.

I've been taking afternoon naps everyday since Sunday. Its when my stomach hurts real bad and I just need to sleep. My stomach started hurting early around noon. I really don't know whats wrong. I took a nap and I ate a couple pieces of an Amys Organic marhetita pizzs. I just feel blah now.

I see my gynecolgist tommorow. That should be fun for me and them. My sister goes to this office too. They are nice but I mean, I am a bit of an unusual gynecolgist patient. At least its an early in the morning appointment.

Had my appointment with my surgeon today. I'm scheduled for hernia repair surgery on July 5th. Little nervous because he said there's a thirty percent chance it could give me pain still even after it's healed, but I really want to get it fixed! It's so uncomfortable

To be honest, I'm kind of freaking out!

I had umbilical hernia repair the same day I had my gallbladder removed. It’s not fun but it wasn’t too bad!!

Ugh 😩 just unloaded my car full of stuff. I have one more box of stuff at mum’s house then I’m officially moved in. It’s going to take longer on getting a place for everything and everything in its place. Got the hook up for the dvd coming Friday and got my hundreds of DVDs today. When I’m depressed I watch the same 6 movies over and over.

The tons of stuff I have left at mum’s place is going in the dumpster. I’ve no energy of the back strength to run it around town. Nope just contributing to the landfill. I’m so done.

I can't tell if I'm in an episode because I'm using, or if I'm using because I'm in an episode. Or both. Either way I'm fked up because I'm fked up. I gotta say though, the stuff I'm doing is really really working... temporarily... it's literally the only way I can get some "sleep" even if it's not real sleep it's a break from the racing thoughts and the agitation and the pissed offness and the rage and it gives me a good reason not to drive back to that meth head again and smoke pcp laced weed with random people in the woods. I'm content this way. RIght now. 5 seconds ago I was ready to take a baseball bat to the next motorcycle that I see. And I bet in five minutes I'll be ready to die. And then I'll call on-call and by the time they call back all will be good again and I'll say "I'm fine now, never mind."

Well, this is a step up from passing out in the woods at night from purging. At least this is acceptable behavior in this town. (A fed bear is a dead bear)

Good grief I get so hopelessly behind on here

I know I’m doing a lot more focus on being proactive in staying busy with numerous things daily.

My days of walking are over in this hellish heat. 95-99 for the next week. I NEED to get up and walk at first light. It’s difficult because my arthritis is bad in the mornings so I’d need to be up at least an hour plus before I’d attempt a walk. I need to get my schedule flipped around big time tho. I should work on that.

Hugs friends

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I enjoyed the mall so much today i went twice. It's a really pretty mall, with a soaring atrium. I was feeling hope that i've found an alternative to my mental health drop-in, which has been underwhelming recently.

But then the most astonishing thing happened. A young teen girl went to the washroom right outside the main entrance! Eeew! There were a gang of girls all being rowdy. I guess this one girl thought she'd push the boundaries to the nth level. There are several washrooms right in the mall. But i guess she thought she was making mischief. Disgusting.

So now i don't know what i'm going to do with myself. I'm telling myself not to let one incident ruin a pleasant evening at the mall, enjoying the foodcourt, doing my puzzle, browsing the stores.

Appalling.

I think it's because of COVID and we just have to get re-socialized again. There have been many incidents on the other end of the spectrum, of men holding the door for me lately, which is very polite. Maybe the young teens are just going wild now?

Sure makes me wish i enjoyed staying home more. But i get restless and bored. I guess i'll just have to work harder at entertaining myself at home.

Edited to add: It's also the time of year, the weather, the first heat of the Summer making the youngsters go crazy.

I feel so discouraged right now. I had a tooth break off and am in a lot of pain and won’t be able to afford an implant for awhile. I have surgery under sedation Friday to remove the fragments and hopefully heal the infection and related swelling that has popped up. It’s not in a visible spot but is impacting my sense of worth. I’m telling myself to put things in perspective but I am upset.

Everybody gathered for my nephew being home from the military before deployment. A good time was had by all. The lights went out for awhile due to severe storms but we continued playing games.

The pool is delightful if a bit cool. The weather is going to be in the 90’s starting today so it will get more suitable.

Looking forward to our big family reunion in two and a half weeks.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.