Bipolar Check-In #76

YES. It’s too hot even for me.

Wow my anxiety is really intense today! The therapist at the ketamine clinic said anxiety is a side effect.

I took a Klonopin early this morning to manage it a little better.

I'm suddenly so tired...I just got up 2 hours ago!

A temperary side effect?

I’m still doing quite well. I’m looking forward to the end of ESY because man, the meltdowns those littles have are truly amazing. I’m so tired by the end of the day! I am not cut out for kindergarten-first grade. I truly hope they put me back with my regular class next year. I’ll be sad if I’m a floater! I’m thinking of emailing the principal and assuring him that my illness is under control now and my attendance will be better.

I injured my knee trying to do squats yesterday. I’m not sure how I messed up my knee in the first place but now there’s shooting pain. I think I’m going to rest from the gym today. I’m going to try to research building lower body strength without squats or lunges. Maybe there’s something with resistance bands or something like that. I really do want to build strength, I’d love to be able to get off the floor without groaning! I have lost 8lbs, I’m so happy. I haven’t binged in over a week.

I’m also thinking of cutting my seroquel down to 50mg at night. Give it a try. I just wake up so late from 100mg, 9:30-10am when I’m not working. I guess it’s not really a big deal but when I wake up so late on the weekend it’s too late to go get breakfast because it’s too crowded everywhere at that point. I like my bagels as an occasional treat, and going to the diner would be nice for some French toast or something. I know I can make it at home but it’s so tasty at the diner.

RS should be starting his new job at the turnpike soon! I’m so happy and proud of him for taking the plunge. He hates change so for him to gather up the courage to apply for a new job is monumental. It’ll be a much better job working for the state, with higher pay, a pension, state benefits, etc. and it’s guaranteed work, the turnpike surely isn’t going anywhere. He was worried that his current job is only good for a few more years. I’m very happy for him!

I wish everyone here the best, I’m sending out good vibes to all that need them!

@wildflowerchild25:

Congratulations on your eight-pound weight loss and on resisting bingeing! A whole week is a long time! Sorry to hear you injured your knee. Resting it sounds like a good idea. Happy to hear your husband has found better work. You've come so far since i first met you here, when you were living with your mom and so unhappy about it. Way to go!

Ugh. I'm really struggling with my anxiety today. I woke up at 1:30AM and tried to go back to sleep but kept on hearing voices coming up behind me. It was scary because at first I thought they were real!

My pdoc only works Wednesday and is out of the office completely the next couple of weeks. I tried to make an appointment to see him sooner since my next appointment isn't until August 30th to no avail. He's all booked until that day. So now I'm on the cancelation list.

I feel like I'm losing it! I don't know what's wrong with me!

And besides that I'm still swollen from my stupid surgery, though the pain has gotten much better. I just feel like a wide load coming through, like I should beep when I back up!

I didn't sleep good last night because of pain again. I doubled up on Aleeve. I've taken 2 pantropalzols and 2 Carafates. I've tried fighting my fatiuge with caffeine. I was late on taking my psych meds and I haven't taken my 3rd valium yet because I feel ok mental health wise. I had therapy and I looked wasted and I didn't even bother to brush my hair and I was lying back on my pillow with the arms. She didn't say anything though since shes a good and understanding therapist. I'm just trying to hang on today. I'm feeling kinda better after a sweet tea. I got to the grocery store this morning for some apple sauce things I've been eating lately.

My fatigue won and I ended up taking a half hour nap. I never take naps anymore. When I woke up my pain was super rough and I could barely make it to the bathroom. I took another Aleeve which is the maximum you can take in 24 hours. I'm just waiting for it to work. I'm still kinda tired.

Yeah I think it's temporary - both the anxiety and tiredness.

The Klonopin is helping with the anxiety and I took a couple of short naps today.

I've been thinking a lot about the last infusion... It was so strange knowing that I was in the hospital but at the same time lost in my thoughts.

This was a good thing because I was thinking positive thoughts and reassuring myself that this treatment will help. At the same time I felt safe because I knew they were monitoring me. It was just odd to be in both places at the same time.

@JaneOnceMore

Thanks for your wonderful insight. I am so glad you recognize that as well. When I am so deep in my feelings, it is sometimes so hard to be grateful for anything. But I am learning.

Oh yes, by the way, is anyone else melting? I just saw that post by someone else. It is SO hot, it is unbelievable. My car said 118 degrees when I got to it today, OMG!

I made it! Another day with no pop and chips. I just have to make it til 7:00pm when the convenience store in my building closes. Hooray! I had a craving around 4:00pm and i was sorely tempted. What stopped me is imaging how proud i will be of myself if i can make myself over into a water-only-drinker. I know it sounds trivial, but it means a lot to me.

I did another load of laundry! That makes four. I'm really putting a dent in my heap! I washed the living room floor too. That was hot, heavy work. I prefer to get my exercise thru my ADLs (Activities of Daily Living). That way, something gets accomplished too.

@raspberrytorte:

Sending good wishes that you make it in on that cancellation list. Sounds like you need some help pronto!

@LadyShadow:

Your car was 118 degrees?! Whoosh that is hot! It's cooling off here after today. It's welcome!

Hi hi Pals

Been keeping busy so that’s a good thing for me.

Just been struggling a bit mood wise so I decided to up my morning Geodon from 40mg to 60mg like my pm dose. It’s only been a week so I’ll give it some time.

I’m so sick of this hellish humid summer and months yet to go. It cuts way down on my wanting to be outside certainly.

I have my Mammogram Monday. I AM grateful that I have medical insurance that allows me to get medical care. I know people who aren’t as lucky.

I’ve almost finished my “ poppy field “ Diamond art. I really like how it’s looking.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was supposed to go to the gym today and have a training session. I didn't go because I didn't feel up to it because I was feeling tired.

I think I'll skip next week too because of the ketamine treatments. It's the final week so I should be back in the swing of things the following week.

So some of you may remember last year I watched my sister's pets and house for a week and during that week her cat killed and left me a body every day to much hilarity. Apparently she only does this with pet sitters; my BIL's brother stayed her a few weeks ago and she caught a rabbit (this is a small cat).

Well, I'm at my sister's and she just insisted on going out....I fear the beginning of the end.

Updates to follow

I’m in Nashville and it’s blazing hot. I’m gonna melt
At
This concert

Oh! What concert?

Thank you. Yes. I need help asap!

That's good you did more laundry.

A different pdoc called me in an extra 50mg of seroquel to take scheduled in the morning. Hoping it helps!

@JaneOnceMore

It's also good you made it another soda and chip free day!

I don't know what I would do without my Coke zeros! I have a slight soda habit. I'm a binge/emotional soda drinker.

Had a bad day yesterday

My mom texted me that my aunt (her sister) died of cancer. I've distanced myself from that side of the family because they're so negative and I can't handle the thought of dealing with my cousin, who's really mean to my husband. Actually, the whole family on that side is mean to my husband and I just couldn't handle the thought of going to a funeral and dealing with that! So I was frantically trying to come up with an excuse not to go and finally just settled on I'm not feeling well enough to go. My mom seemed fine about it to my face but who knows what's being said in the background. I mean, I didn't even know my aunt had cancer in the first place!

Then, earlier in the day, I had a bad experience with my pharmacy and getting my med increase, where the pharmacist spoke to me like I was mentally handicapped. Even my husband commented on her patronizing tone! Turns out I was right too and the pharmacist was wrong (she kept on insisting I had a DECREASE when I actually had an INCREASE). So I was all upset 😡 about that.

Anyway, sorry for the rants. My side hurts, so I'm just going to lay here for awhile and chill!

Yesterday I didn't feel well. Sometimes I wonder if I have intermittent IBS type symptoms. Even if it's not IBS, I have had near a lifetime of occasional gastro issues. Anyway, today I feel so much better.

Tonight Hubby and I will go to a concert, but nothing major. Just a local performance on the organ of an extremely old local church dating back before 1150, built in the Romanesque style. The church is mostly always locked up. We're going just as much out of curiosity of what it looks like inside than even the concert. It is no longer used for services. Most standing churches here don't. Most Czechs are not religious.

George strait, little big town and Chris Stapleton!!!!

I fell in the shower yesterday. The slip resistant mat slipped right out from under me. I can’t figure out how I managed to bruise things and hit my head at the same time but I’ve had a headache since I fell. My family is asking me to have it checked out.

I’ve been in an odd state. Periods of happiness and positivity then quick shots of depression and sadness. Trying to even things out. I lost my Wellbutrin and did not take it for two weeks. Could be some of the problem.

It’s hot and uncomfortable here. I waited until 10 at night to get the mail and could still hardly breathe with the heat and humidity. There were still people at the pool. I don’t blame them.

I hope everybody has a cool and peaceful day.

I. hate. Naltrexone.
but in the same way I hated antimanics when I was getting euphoric manias. Speaking of mania... still cycling like a mofo (mixed?). Yesterday woke up and went on a shopping spree, then God picked out this book just for me at the library (it's a secret which one. I told someone because I trust her, but this book is going to give me special powers), and by the time I was in therapy we were safety planning. "3am and you wanna (insert one of the many [triggering]stupid things MuddyBoots does all the time here)? Use them coping skills, if they fail ya, call us and tell us what stupiddasss thing you wanna do, let us talk you down from it, and wait for someone to come over in the morning and talk 'bout it. (AKA bring you to the hospital because we know you're not in a safe environment right now and all the respite centers are full and you damn well better take advantage of those hospital social workers to get you better housing, unlike last time, you eloping fool)"
And the animal shelter......ugh they hate me there. They act so fking friendly but I know they're going to frame me and get me thrown in jail for animal abuse. Probably blame Cooper's weight loss on me too. Say I'm giving him stimulants or some sh.it.

I fell asleep last night at 5:30 in my moms room despite all the caffeine and the nap I had and took. I woke up at 11 with the TV on and I was confused. I went to my room and stayed up until 1. Then I woke up at 4:30 and I had some concerning stomach issues and pain and a low temp of 96.3. I thought I needed to get my mom but I took an Aleeve and got another hour of sleep and when I woke up my stomach felt ok and my temp was back up.

I've mainly just been struggling enegry wise today. I had to really drag myself into the shower because I had to get blood work done for my endocronoligist appointment next week. My therapist says celebrate the small things. So taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and getting the lab work done is good enough for me today. I've been lying down since I got home and I don't give any ****s today about being productive.

Day 11 of the flu.

Still have one heck of a cough. Ughhhh. It’s the cough that keeps me up ALL night and makes me toss and turn and why I’m waking up absolutely exhausted every morning.

Work was suchhhh a struggle on Thursday and Friday. So many times I nearly just left early!

@Crazy Hitch

I hope you feel better soon!