Bipolar Check-In #77

I’m glad you’re back!

My ER bill without insurance would of been over $11 thousand! They barely even did anything and I was in the hall way I wasn't even in a room. But I only had to pay $120. My PT sessions without insurance are $400 something but I pay $20 for each session. Glad I have this.

I'm tired today. Took 2 naps for some reason. One was around 9:20 in my moms bed while the baby slept in the pack and go. Once she woke up that caused me to wake up. I guess thats what they mean when they say sleep when baby sleeps. The other nap was around the middle of the afternoon for about half an hour.

I ate what I could today. I'm losing weight now after quitting coffee among other things. I still need Mountain Dew daily which isn't an issue.

I'm asking for a VR headset for Christmas so I can do workouts with it. Also you can ride pretend roller coasters and take pretend trips to Disney World and places.

I feel like I'm dying so I took my blood pressure and it is 88/71. I've had some weird numbers lately. Like the top number will be 135 or I'll have a pulse of 112 or I'll wake up in a complete panic with a resting heart rate of 94. I'm not having chest pains. Just feelings of doom and then high or low stuff.

Had my physical today. My GP had some labs drawn. Checking my thyroid, liver, kidneys, hormone levels, etc. Pretty much everything. Hopefully we can figure out why I'm always so weak and fatigued feeling. 😩 It really sucks. I constantly feel like I've walked five miles! I'm little under 5'2". I'm a fat midget!!!! At least I've lost two pounds I guess...

Whatever. Pdoc appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully we can get my seroquel situation sorted out.

I've had a pretty good day -- I realize I haven't slept so I need to get that taken care of but had an AWESOME day talking with some people on Facebook about the dying arts since technology has come around. Digital has done us wonders, but there's still something special about mechanical, physical things. Don't worry! No more typewriter talk-- I'll save it for typewriter Anonymous :P

I've been digging into my studies again and I'm enjoying that. Right now I'm looking into some interests that piqued recently, including some language learning. After being able to close a chapter on my relationship after all these years (in a very final way).. I just feel better.

Thanks for all of the support everyone!

My meds weren't working real well before the break-up and this, understandably so, has made things worse. I'm very grateful to have a good therapist. I saw her yesterday and, because I'm not doing so well, we have a quick check-in call scheduled later this week too. I can't get ahold of my psych which is weird-I've been seeing him for almost two years and have always had my phone calls returned from either the nurse or himself, even if it's just to say they received my message. Now, I've called him twice (once last week and once this week) and haven't heard anything. Who knows-at least I have an appointment coming up soon so I can ask him about this change of communication then.

I’m going nuts about the person I halve a crush on. He told me this morning that he wants to move to Canada. I Feel in shock. I told him I’ll miss him . He said it would be good to see me. I replied “just once?” Then I told him that when we first met I wouldn’t share my feelings with him but I’ve changed. Then I added “we both have” but he never replied to that.

Hope the break was good! I read an article about that children and old peple are the happiest. To be in the 60's will probably be good!

So it was yesterday. The cabinet is still at the floor. Too heavy for me to try to move it. At the end of the week, at least one of my grown up children will come to try to help me turn the cabinet around. I will need some newspapers to put the pieces of glass in before I throw them away.

We will see if it is possible to put the cabinet up again with new screws. Hopefully that is possible.

I feel very tired and unwell today.

Got some sleep but I'm not feeling so great today -- i'm up and down a lot, both physically and emotionally. I hope it evens out soon.

Hope it evens out soon for you too @Brentus

Yikes, be careful you don’t hurt yourself @Rosi700

I hope it goes well @Moose72

I got my 2nd Clozaril lab back yesterday. It started at nearly 1400 (600 is the top of normal) and is now down to a little over 800. I've not heard from my pdoc yet (which is weird; I wonder if she's out of the office or something) but I assume she'll have me lower it one more time.

I can't remember if I mentioned that I've had daily, sometimes several times daily, migraines since my dose was lowered last week. Yesterday I actually did not have a headache and today I started to get one but took ibuprofen immediately and it stopped. I'm not looking forward to lowering my dose and risking more migraines but I also want that number down ASAP since side effects are slowly but surely receding. I'm even losing weight more easily.


I hope I hear from my pdoc tomorrow. This is highly atypical and I know I'm unlikely to hear from her tomorrow because she doesn't do clinical stuff on Thursday.

I also hope that another reduction is the end of this. I'm sure we'll keep an eye on the levels from now on.

I felt lethargic as **** all day. I finally said eff it and got a bottle of multivitamins from Walgreens. My vitamin D is low and my doctor says thats why I'm so tired. I don't tolerate the vitamin D pills well so my primary suggested a multivitamin instead. They work well as an appetite suppresant. Or something did today. I ate lot of protein bars and stuff.

But I didn't get out of bed all day. I think I'm a bit depressed too. Mainly it was this bad fatigue though.

My mom got my christmas present today. I'm paying for half and my brother will pay for some and she'll pick up the rest and that will be the only thing I'll get from them. They only had a few Meta Quest 2s left in stock because the new Meta VRs come out on Friday and are a couple $100 more. So now was the time to buy. Best Buy said if the version my mom got drops in price we can get a rebate so we can get the lower price.

Had a long discussion with my crush tonight which ended with me telling him that his vulnerability is endearing. He replied “thank you” and “I’m glad you’re my friend “ to which I replied “same to you “and “love ya!”!

This is the first morning I feel OK after Sunday. Most mornings I have been freezing at the breakfast table and that start has not been the best. It takes time to learn to know the house after I moved and how much I need to put the stoves on. Yesterday evening I must have hit the right button. It is 6 (42F) degrees outside and 22 (71F) degrees inside. Good!

I hope you’re all doing as well as possible.
I’m a bit worried that I’m dropping down, but I’ve started being proactive and I’m making sure I sleep, get up, eat properly, exercise and complete a couple of tasks each day.
This is helping I think but I’m so terrified of becoming unwell.

Hope everything goes well with you, Pinny! You are doing good work with yourself. It is easy to feel that one is on the wrong path. I have had four days, now, when I felt that I was at the wrong path. I was in a discussion at Internet at Sunday and got "pepper". I was up longer than usual and felt felt down the next day. Then I found a message about meeting at the hospital for a research and at the same day my cabinet in the living room fell down from the wall and old inherited glasses and more became crushed. It added to my problems that it was too low temperature in the house.

To make a long story short: Only a few days out of normal routine can make us feel that we are on a down road. I think that fear for becoming worse can make us worse. The best we can do is to try to make our days so "usual" as possible. I made it this morning due to put my ovens at higher heat. It helped me relax at the breakfast table (and since SAD is part of my life, I have already started to use my light lamp in the mornings).

So try to make your days as normal as possible. That may help.

By the way, thank you so much for thinking on me with regard to all the all the pieces of glass in the cabinet! It really warmed my heart that somebody had noticed when I felt so alone as I did! (I will buy a pair of "working gloves" today).

A good day to you!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he checked me out and gave me really strong cough medicine. It’s making me ssssooo loopy. I was feeling well enough to go to my grief class last night. I got loads out of it and the people are incredible.

Mom and I are taking that day trip to the Apple orchard and pumpkin patch tomorrow. After that, we’ll drive on to a state park that has a lovely restaurant overlooking the lake and have lunch.

I finally feel like I’m getting back in the groove of things after a long time. It’s nice.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

@BeyondtheRainbow -I'm sorry you can't get ahold of your pdoc. something must be in the air. I can't get ahold of mine either and my counselor also didn't get back to me like she said she would even though she's always very good about this. I hope you're able to get ahold of your pdoc soon!


I seem to have lost a little weight since I lost my appetite/started struggling to eat about a week ago. This isn't really surprising but I also know this is a red flag. Maybe, the silver lining to my pdoc not returning my last two calls is that I have time to try and put on at least a tiny bit of weight (or, bare minimum, not lose any more weight) before I see him next week.

Have a good day everyone!

ughh wanna call on-call but they CHANGED EVERYBODY'S ****ING NUMBERS including the on-call number itself while i was away.

so pissed.

I resorted to 988 but they didn't do shyt.

Stayed very busy yesterday despite lack of sleep.

Yesterday went to lunch, and 500. Came home for an hour.

Left again for clay class. Made a bowl, was somewhat disappointed with it and the class. Rushed home again and made it in time to play poker with the group. That was great fun, lasted until 9pm.

Was sure I’d sleep, especially since I took a hot shower. Before bed. But alas. Not a wink. At 5am I got up and ate something since I missed supper. Then went back to bed at 7 am but still elusive sleep mostly evading me. Must have gotten one hours worth though as I dreamed.

Ugh had plans to do laundry and clean, but sooo draggy with it. The movie is at 3 pm. I should be able to make that. Don’t have to do anything but get dressed, go downstairs and sit in the dark. Tomorrow is the book signing.

Sorry it’s broken weirdly, I wrote a wall and arbitrarily broke it up for easier reading. I’m so tired not sure if it makes sense.

Happy dreams all around as there’s several of us struggling with this.

Still trying to get my prescriptions refilled.

I've been out of Prozac for 5 days now and I'll run out of remeron in a couple of days.

Hopefully my pdoc will refill the prescription today.

This is all my fault - I didn't realize I was so low on both meds and didn't request the refills in time.

Ooo doesn’t your pharmacy let you know? My pharmacy notifies me when it’s time to reorder, a week ahead of time and automatically notifies my doctor. On all prescription’s except the sleeping med. but when I order it they automatically send my pdoc a notification. And it doesn’t take long. Unless I don’t notice it’s Friday or Saturday. I haven’t run out of prescriptions in years thanks to them. For a short while during the pandemic it was dicey getting my sleep meds but since I started with this pdoc in 2021 he’s been really good about it.

Could you maybe switch to a pharmacy that provides this service? I understand if you like your pharmacy tho.

You’re so right @Rosi700
Thank you so much!
And of course, I’m glad you got my message!
Work gloves are good but still, be careful!
I used to have a SAD lamp but it broke, maybe I should get another as I think I’m always more prone to downs during the darker days and nights here!
Does yours work for you?

Ahh I’m sorry sleep is so hard to come by @Nammu
What book signing?
I hope you manage some sleep tonight!

I get texts from my pharmacy @Scooter9
Is there any way to set something up like that for you?
I hope you get your meds sorted ASAP!