Bipolar Check-In #77

Good for you. Use the day for a, me day.

Ya know I’ve heard from many people, on here and in real life who have said the SAD is kicking in early this year. don’t know why that is but know you are not alone.

My mom said I can hang out today because I'm supposed to have case management, and it's getting kinda cold out. I've been clean & sober 16 days now too (though, according to the crisis center, I'll never be in recovery because I'll always be struggling with something like last night I freaked, SH'd, and b/p'd...on Dunk's leftovers I got in a trash bag at closing lol).

I'll be good and clean up the house--make it smell nice, get rid of the rest of my shet, make sure I got rid of all my vomit containers/food hoard, yada yada.

I had two non-druggie irl friends I was hoping would let me crash with them. Nope. They want absolutely nothing to do with me anymore. Hurts so fking much (why I had a meltdown last night). The things I want to tell them. I don't want to make things worse though, which is apparently what I always do so I'm going to say "screw them and everyone else in this godforsaken region" and tell my CW I want to go to southern New England. One of the other ACT members that brought me from the crisis center to my pdoc's appointment said she wanted to send me to another residential for mental health first though (eating disorder specifically I think? Substances maybe? all of it potentially? she was very all over the place and confusing). So that might be in the works.

Oh yeah:
Totally was NOT psychotic. Pdoc was not happy with me only taking an AP PRN "because I'm bound to miss some signs and have a break" or some bs, so she put me on Abilify and last night I started freaking out and obsessing about spiders. Seeing them. Everywhere. Feeling them. No matter how many times I change my clothes and shower or strip and scratch... and scratch... and scratch... and she wants to put me on the injection once I taper up??? Ha! Not happening!

It never fails. Wrote a $100 check and the people I wrote the check to have been taking their sweet time cashing it. Now, when I didn't need it, somebody else comes by demanding $40 more. Forty dollars that puts me under the amount of the check and put me at risk of overdraft fees. Overdraft fees I can't afford to incur as I've another $100 charge coming from my next paycheck.

So, they don't want to cash the check when I have the money in the bank, but now that I don't... to the bank we go! It's hard not to think I stole Fate's girlfriend and they're still bitter about it! Well, one issue at a time I guess.

Yeah. Depressed. Like hardcore. I don’t even want to eat, which is usually my go to when I’m depressed. I just want to lay in bed and stare. I’m dreading RS coming home bc I’ll have to be normal. Like talk and stuff. And I have to make dinner but I think I’m just going to make a frozen meal. RS can even do that, he can’t really cook but he can do easy stuff like that.

Work wasn’t impossible, I sat and stared a bit at work too but I was still present for the kids. I absolutely cannot force myself on a walk. Can’t do it.

I put the lexapro back in my pill box, maybe the tiny dose was actually doing something and now that it’s completely out of my system I’m tanking. I’ll just have to accept 5 meds is my reality.

That’s enough. Bed time at least for the next 15 minutes.

My PT was really hard on me today. She says I'm not where I should be at physically for a guy my age and I'm not making progress. She says I'm not the worst patient shes seen though. Thanks. I thought I was doing pretty good. I know I've made a lot of progress mental health wise. I get my diet isn't very good and I drink a lot of soda and stuff. But I've improved my sleep and other stuff. It was just tough to hear. Idk. Maybe I needed to hear it. Its just my therapist doesn't see what the issue is and belives everyone is healthy. And I just get confused. I guess this was the first time in years I've been told by a health care worker that my health sucks. She pretty much fired me if I'm being honest. She didn't reschedule last times session and said that next week will be our last. I didn't know there was that big of a difference between your mental and physical heaIth but I guess there is. I've made a ton of progress with my depression. Shes just mad because I've been constipated for 2 days pretty much.

So I don't like anyone leaving the house at this point. I worry about it and have soul crushing anxiety over it all night to the point of paranoia. I'm to overwhelmed even to think about cooking. I need help. I'm planning on taking a shower this week at some point but for now breathing is difficult due to anxiety. My dog won't leave my side either so I know I'm not doing well. I still don't have a pdoc or t. I can't bring myself to call and ask. Then I would have to leave my bed and go to an appointment. I don't know why I can't deal well but financially it's hurting us. Christmas is in two months and there's no way we are able to get things for everyone we need too. He's parents don't know about Victoria yet because they'll disown us. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe he's right I am depressed just not as depressed as normal. I'm not talking. He's not interacting with me. I'm so lonely and it's my fault. I do nothing all day except lay in bed staring at what H is doing on the computer. I don't talk here or on FB or IRL. Victoria comes and talks to me in bed everyday. This can't be good for my CP. I'm having to ask for help with everything because I can no longer open food packages and things. I know it's progressive and I'm supposed to be wheelchair bound by now and I'm not and I'm grateful for that but it's hard living in an unadaptable house.

We brought our cat in to be cremated today. She was exactly 20 years and 5 months old. She was the first cat my husband and I got together. I'm just heart broken. She's been with us through a lot of ****. It's abnormal not having her around. And I keep on thinking about my early twenties and it makes me feel even more depressed . I don't know.

I think my family would be better off without me. I contribute nothing. I lay in bed while my husband and daughter are doing stuff. I just want to sleep.

Yesterday I was at Starbucks at one of the two person tables along a bank of windows. Well this group of six college aged kids come in and stand right next to my table taking up the whole aisle. Then two of them sit at the table right next to mine and the rest cluster around them. They were right next to my table and I started to get anxious because I felt claustrophobic. It got worse and after a couple minutes I moved across the store to a 4 person table. I still felt anxious. So much so that I went home and took a Klonopin. Both being in my own space and the Klonopin calmed me down.

@raspberrytorte I'm so sorry

This depression and anger is still kicking my butt. I completely lost it on my students today...they needed to be scolded, but not in the way I did it...And, my coworker (a coworker who tells everyone when she is upset with someone) is mad at me.

Some of this is probably the depression (maybe a mixed state?) talking, but it just doesn't seem like long term stability is ever going to be a thing for me. At this point, I just want to get back to a point where I don't feel like my own brain is trying to destroy all parts of my life on a daily basis.


It seems like many of us are struggling right now-hang in there everyone!

Today was exhausting. Yet I’m not ready for bed

I am sorry for the loss of your cat, but I don't think your family is better off without you. That is depression talking.

I didn't sleep well last night. Both yesterday and today gave/gives me a feeling of "I don't know" how to name it ... May be a feeling of nothingness is the right word?

I tell myself that I have to do physical exercises because my brain is lazy. I feel as if I lack something. It is not emptiness, more some sort of a feeling that something is wrong. The author of "The Upward spiral" tells that I am not lazy, but that one part of my brain is, and that part needs me to help it to be activated. If not I will feel worse ...

I need to dress and go out. Small steps are better than no steps. The author, Alex Corb, Ph.D in Neuroscience, tells me in his book that even if my feelings are OK according to how my brain functions, I am the only one who can take action and help the dull parts of my brain to overcome this "stage".

Well, I will try to be like a mother who nourishes her child: I will bring "the child" outside and train it to walk while encouraging it, one step after the other.

I do like this professor. He is telling us that parts of our brains are so and so, inherited from our fore-mothers or forefathers, and that is how it is. No need to be ashamed! But our brains are trainable (with or without medication) ... There is HOPE. And it is that tiny bit of hope we need to understand to be able to not sink deeper and deeper into a downward spiral. To try is all we can do ... Yesterday I Iet this dull feeling tear me down. I sat here ... Today I am going to put cloth on and go out. It doesn't have to be a long walk as long as I try to do what neuroscience has found out nowadays.

This times 5. Raspberry

I forced myself to go to my sister’s house for dinner with mom. It was like walking through waist high molasses to get myself to go but it did me good. I adore my niece and her fiancée. They have good energy and are all around good people.

I opened the door early this morning as I love the crisp, fresh air. I shut the door because I heard birds getting close. Too late! I heard a chirp coming from inside the house. My attempts and eventual success in getting the bird outside the house was comical to say the least.

I had a mammogram last week and they told me to use the patient portal to get my results early. I logged in and saw a 5 year old message from a doctor saying that he removed 3 pre cancerous growths that were found in another medical procedure and to get regular testing and keep an eye on it. How did that fall through the cracks? Needless to say - I’ve scheduled a follow up procedure.

I need refills on my medication but I’m wary of calling my med provider. I’ve not been using Klonopin as prescribed. I’m not way out of line: I’ve tapered from 4 mg down to 2 mg and I hit that goal most days. About 6 days I took 3 mg. My med provider is brutal and I do believe she will dismiss me and ruin things for me with the new psychiatrist. I really need to call her though.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I woke up fighting mad. Idk why. I actually got mad at RS last night for the first time ever in our relationship. Like not annoyed, angry. It was justified and I did talk to him because I was so mad I was going to explode. I went in my room to calm down and think of the right, non accusatory words to say. Then I said them. He didn’t respond right away but I wasn’t looking for a fight, just to get my feelings out. Later he apologized and I apologized for my somewhat angry approach. So it all worked out. But this morning the angry energy was still there. Work has actually been helpful because I could expend the energy.

But now I’m coming down and feeling depressed. I have a therapy appointment today so I’ll talk with her. Idk if I should try to get an ECT treatment early, I have one scheduled in ten days. I kinda want to see where this goes but things can also deteriorate rapidly for me. I have a bit of passive SI already, and some fleeting SH thoughts. By this time next week I could be fully sui and have constant SH thoughts, or I could be fine in a couple of days. Hard to tell. I really don’t want to take off work, I’m really trying to do the treatments on my days off instead of taking a day.

I'M SO FKING STUPID!
I turned down 7 days of a place to stay because...well because I'm at the library and didn't want to discuss things on the phone here.

I see my pdoc in about 45 minutes. I plan on telling him whats been up about everything. And I plan on being honest. But I'm not sure its really a med issue. I'll let him decide that though since hes a good judge. I think messing with my meds isn't really necessary. Going down the change in lifestyle route is more what I need. But I was totally wrong yesterday about what my PT was going to think about things. I'm tired right now because of the fast paced walk I took in the heat and I cut back some more on caffeine. I hope he doesn't get the wrong idea when he sees me and assumes I'm just depressed.

I did go out, but didn't feel well. I had a haircut and I ate dinner out with wine. The wine was very helpful in calming me down. ( Be careful with alcohol.).

I went to the grocery shop and in addition to he groceries I bought candy, (not good for a diabetic like me ). I ate and ate candy as if my life was dependent on it. I think I was angry as well, and that all the chewing of the sweets was some sort of biting the anger away. A protest against how my life is (I did take my diabetes meds afterward).

Some times life is really hard! One becomes frustrated over always have to think before one acts if one wants to be healthy. With that said, I want to say that the perspective Alex Corb (Ph.D) gives with suggesting that we can have inherited important brain circuits from our fore-mothers or forefathers (either smaller or bigger then usual, more or less active than those who represent the so called normal populations), is a perspective I can live with. I have inherited my father's nose, my mothers hands and so on. If I can live with that, why shouldn't I be able to live with my inherited brain structure in certain areas. That takes away the shame!

We have known for years that physical exercises is good for our total health. But it is first now, we learn (at least it is the first time for me) that if we don't exercise, it can happen that we continue to stay depressed and that exercise grows "positive nerve cells" for people of all ages.

Professor Corb talks about many other tools then exercises in his book (which all can be placed into the CBT frame if one wants to), but he gives us the advice to start with a physical activity of some sort and then fill in with all the other tools.

Tomorrow I will get up early, do my morning routine and then walk to the nursing home to visit a relative. I will walk home afterward as well.

Before I go, I will make a plan for how to behave when I am back home. My weak point is that when I lack a plan, my thoughts often drifts. For the time being I need a plan to keep track. That is another strength with the professor's work that we have to take responsibility for our own weaknesses. He tells about himself that for him some kind of loneliness comes after he has written something. His solution is to take his PC to a coffee shop. That is clever! And so do we have to be. We have to search out our weaknesses and decide the best way to live with them, not to overcome them or get rid of them, but to find solutions to live well with them.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt so for telling why I am doing what I try to do.

May everyone here find solutions that work for them!

After much waiting and appointments, my first ketamine infusion is tomorrow morning. It'll be my fifth because I already had four infusions at a hospital. I'm going to a clinic this time and paying for the infusions myself. I'll post after the infusion.

A big win for me today - I upgraded my computer's memory myself. I first called the computer store and they said it'll be 450 for the memory and installation. So I thought I'd try to do it myself. I got the memory I needed on sale for 175 and bought a tool kit so that I can open the computer (it's a laptop) and the toolkit cost 110.

So I was able to upgrade the memory on my own and now have a toolkit that I can use to repair of other laptops and phones here at home. I ended up spending 285, saving 165 and I have the experience now too. I'm proud of myself.

Oy! I was on my way to my daughter this morning for our weekly binge of Stranger Things when I light came on the dashboard. So I returned home and am not sure what it means. I looked it up in the manual and it said see dealship. I don’t live near a dealership and the weather is wonky. It’s 73, foggy and humid, and supposed to have severe thunderstorms. So I decided to wait until tomorrow to call a place near me. I have a love- hate relationship with cars. I need one but man they are a hassle. Cars!

Next week I give blood so that’s out too. Oh, I think it started thundering. Great. Every time the wind blows hard or it rain hard here the cable goes out. Excuse me I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning

Wow that’s impressive! Congratulations 🎊🎈🎉

After I claimed I was just tired from cutting out caffeine, My pdoc said "well, if your other providers say your depressed can I raise your prestiq?"

I thought I could manage things on my own with lifestyle changes. Idk. Maybe I'm just in denial about not being depressed.

Don't give up on stability. It took many years and so many meds but I reached a point that while I'm not stable I'm close enough to feel ok to good much of the time. I thought it was impossible but it happened. I haven't even been hospitalized in 7 years since the med that helps me so much (clozaril) was added.

It can happen for you too!