Bipolar Check-In #77

I've been in contact with her via email. She's alive and well, just got fed up with some users on this site. She said to send you a hug

I woke up feeling ok. I saw the news and said to myself "you are getting your *** out of the house so you aren't focused on CNN all day." So I took a drive to some gas stations and family dollars looking for stuff. I was in red towns which made me a bit nervous but no one realized and I had a conversation at a gas station about a kind of soda I was buying. So it was safe.

Anyways I came home and I'm lying down feeling kinda blah. Sorta on edge and worried. Sorta ok. Idk really.

Had an art class today. Was interesting. We picked out things to project the shadows on the wall then outlined them and filled the lines in with a waxy rubber sustenance. When that dried we used different colors of India inks to dye the background. When it drys completely you peel off the rubber stuff. Mine turned out well. I used fern leaves.

Was only 6 people in the class so it was comfortable. But the instructor talked too much. I couldn’t do the art and watch her talk, so I just concentrated on the art. Was sort of self conscious about that. Usually the instructors show how it’s done then turn on music and everyone works. Today was all talking which left me out of the loop. But oh well. I got a nice piece of art out of it.

That’s good to know. Thanks!

@raspberrytorte how are you feeling today? Any better?

I forgot to post yesterday that I reached my pdoc and it turns out that the MyChart notified me about the new lab results but not her. So all my waiting was for nothing. She was pleased with the number now and is giving me a week to finish adjusting to the current dose before lowering it, probably for the last time. So that is good.

I just called CVS to check on the prescriptions I called in Sunday. I hadn't been notified they were filled but they actually have been per the automated message. So tomorrow I can pick those up. Thank God. I did not want to have to go in and demand they fill the scripts immediately when I know they are overworked. Not that it should reach a point that it takes a week to get meds filled but it's not the fault of the people working there, it's the problem with corporate CVS I'm fairly sure.

Now I need to get to sleep. Not sure how yet. I'm hungry but don't want to eat too many calories at night. With the clozaril coming down my weight loss is going a bit faster and I have no desire to sabotage that. I have about 7 weeks before my blood draw for fasting glucose and A1C. I want to be as low as possible by then so I show my dr I really have tried. I'm down exactly 20 lbs since late June or early July.

My hair is matted again, I haven't showered in over a week, I'm not depressed, just not motivated to do anything, ever. I haven't done anything since moving here in December. It's like my crazy was propelling me and with out that I do nothing. I know I should do stuff but I have no urge to. I'm hardly on here and I use to be active. I scroll through my phone not looking at anything until I get to the bottom then I refresh. I don't color, or listen to music, barely hang out with my ESA. Don't want my service dog. Go outside maybe 1x a month, stay in bed the rest of the time. I just don't get it. I still have no pdocs or t. I'm cooking the nights I have to but that's it. I'm a shell.

Muddy boots tell Beth I said hi and miss her

The sun is shining. This will be a wonderful Autumn day in October. . I feel well and have hopes for the now and for the future. Since I started so early with the sun-lamp, I expect to only be mildly depressed this winter. I will soon participate at a refresh study before I start working part time again.

The cabinet is up on the wall again. They came here yesterday to help me to gather all the pieces of glass and to find a better way to fasten the cabinet. All of my my husband's inherited glasses from his grandmother do not exist any more. Some other things were only partly broken and when glued together carefully nobody will notice. A cup from my great-grandmother was whole (almost a miracle).

Today we are going to have a family gathering and good food. I am looking forward to that!

I wish all of you a so good Sunday as possible!

So good to hear that she is well and alive. She has been in my prayers.

I'm okay. Still depressed. Feeling better as far as SUI thoughts go. I think it may just be the weather change that's getting me down. I spent an hour in front of my light therapy lamp yesterday and managed to get my *** in the shower, so that's good.

I've been on hydroxyzine in the past and it never made me depressed, so I think it may be a coincidence.

It's great you've lost so much weight! And that you're getting your prescriptions.

Med list upon discharge from rehab on 9-11-23:
AM: 200mg amantadine
3mg Vraylar
10mg diazepam
50mg lamotrigine
10mg fluphenazine
1mg prazosin
(10mg diazepam at lunch)
PM:
100mg Amantadine
10mg diazepam
4mg prazosin
100mg topiramate
10mg fluphenazine
PRNs
2mg lorazepam
5mg olanzapine
1mg fluphenazine

Currently (10-8-23) down to
AM: Amantadine 100mg
Lamotrigine 50mg
PMrazosin 2mg (leaving the face lol)
diazepam 1mg
lamotrigine 50mg
topiramate 100mg
Lybalvi 5,10mg
PRNs
lorazepam 2mg
olanzapine 5mg

honestly don't feel much different other than YAY NO AKATHISIA!

You went from 30mg of diazepam down to 1mg? Holy hell!

Yeah. I kept forgetting the lunch time dose though so it was more like 20mg with an occasional extra 10mg

I ended up taking RS to the ER last night to get rehydrated. He’d been having severe diarrhea multiple times for hours and had severe stomach cramps and occasional vomiting. He’d only been able to drink have a liter of water and an electrolyte drink all day so I figured it was best to get checked out and get some fluids. He feels better today. He vomited yesterday at 7am and felt great afterward so against my advice he ate two greasy breakfast sandwiches and later ate a small sub sandwich. I told him it was a bad idea but he thought he’d be fine. Not so. So I told him today he is limited to crackers, soup, and applesauce as per the ER dr’s recommendation no matter how good he thinks he feels. If he makes it all day with no vomiting he can consider eating normal tomorrow but I still advised him to eat bland tomorrow too. Hopefully he’ll listen to his intelligent wife this time

My son went to my mom’s last night bc I didn’t know how long we’d be (it was already 8pm). Her house looks way better. The couch is clear so he could sleep, and there are way less bags in the living room as well. She assured me the kitchen had been cleaned and sanitized as well. I’m glad she’s making progress and proud of her for doing it herself without my help. That is progress in and of itself.

I was flipping out inside at the hospital last night. I HATE hospitals, too many bad experiences. I get paranoid that they’re going to see through me and keep me against my will even though this hospital had no psych ER. Plus I’m stable. I had to repeat to myself that I’m fine, there’s no reason to keep me, I’m fine, everything’s fine, RS is not on death’s door, etc etc. I ended up with a massive anxiety headache but I distracted myself by watching Casper on my phone. That was one of my favorite movies as a kid. I’m glad everything is ok and I made it through without a full panic attack. I was afraid the stress would send me into a tailspin but I feel good today so I’m proud of myself for keeping calm using coping skills.

Today is a relaxing day, I’ll be doing chores off and on all day as the house has fallen into disarray what with RS being sick and CR having a broken finger. The bathroom definitely needs to be cleaned and sanitized and I need to put away a lot of clutter that’s sitting around.

We do have our new couch and it’s so nice to be able to just get up without having to hoist myself out of the broken, sunken in cushions! Plus it reclines, it’s so nice. My cat has already claimed one of the seats.

Cat do do that don’t they. gotta love their priorities, they are great teachers in how to take care of ourselves!

I hope RS feels better soon.

Great news about your mum.

I do understand the hospital fear. I used to have that too, but it’s declining as I stay stable. But still get lots of hospital dreams. It will get better!

Thank you for the update.
bizi

I have my endoscopy Wednesday. Huge papers
in school due on Thursday!! I’m
So attended and sleepy

Ordered 3 books yesterday.- all by Daniel Kalla. He’s an ER physician and author who writes medical thrillers. One arrived today, the second arrives tomorrow and the last one should arrive at the latest Thursday. I’m about a quarter of the way through the first one.

I had a cold today and last night. Just a typical cold. Runny nose and cough and and muscle aches and stuff. Makes sense why I was so tired these past 3 days though. I feel mostly ok now. I still have a scratchy throat and some muscle aches but I think things are better.

I'm low on Geodon 20mil so I've been taking one every other day until I can get a refill at the end of the month. I keep telling myself to be careful with that and not take 80mil split into 4 so I end up 17, now, 10, days short.

Anxiety wise I've been fine. Mood wise, I'm pretty down in the dumps.

My depression is hitting hard right now. Idk whats up or what I need.

Well i caught a student vaping in class. That about sums up my day.

@Crazy Hitch I'm sorry you had a rough day. I think one thing that is often overlooked about the teaching profession is how tough it can be to have to deal with behavioral issues.

Well, tonight seems to be a night of no sleep. This actually doesn't happen to me very often. I'm behind on some things, so part of me is happy I can be productive (although, that might just be the symptoms speaking). Maybe, I'll crash and get at least a tiny bit of sleep. When this has happened, it typically lasts only a night or two. Fingers crossed that will be the case this time too.

Between the severe depression symptoms I've had recently, losing weight, the random bursts of hypomanic symptoms, things being off in general for about a month, and now a night of no sleep, I am very curious how my appointment with my pdoc is going to go on Tuesday. I am by no means a danger to myself or others but, because the depression symptoms have been so bad the last few days I've barely been able to function, and because now I'm not sleeping, I can't help but wonder/worry about just how bad things have to get before my pdoc recommends something like inpatient care. This could just be my habit of automatically going to the worst case situation, but I still can't help but wonder if I should get some things in order (especially at work) just in case.

I've never had an inpatient stay; maybe, I'll spend some of this time tonight looking at ways to prep and then can spend the daytime hours getting things in order at work. I already had a plan to spend the day off I have getting caught up on things I've fallen behind on at work anyway.

It's never bad to have saftey plans. Especially hospital indemnity and such. It is par for the course in my opinion - nothing wrong in having and using it.

I'm sort of in a similar situation, cautiously proceeding. Having a plan in place for the future eased my mind in the present so I could deal with what's currently going on. Deal with as in taking it easy, going to bed early, things like that.

Depression is never fun for myself and takes a toll on my significant other as I "check out" for the most part and seem to get lazy or however it may seem, but my mania has always been harder to clean up.

I've been going through my distress tolerance/mindfulness/interpersonal relationships DBT stuff overnight. Haven't gone over it or really been practicing my skills lately, that's probably the issue. Never got to do the emotional regulation module, which is the one I need the most!

Please forgive this long post I had an experience with my ex-girlfriend that alarmed me.. What was happening with her I later found out to be a psychotic episode. This took me by surprise, since I have never seen anyone go through this before.

First she told me that she was trying to kill her self by starving herself. I thought if this continued for a couple more weeks, she would end up dead Then came paranoia. She thought that she would end up losing her money and end up homeless on the streets. Nothing I said would calm her down.

Next came some symptoms that I would normally relate to dementia. She accused me of lying to her, and switching her medication on her. She then became suspicious of me while I was doing a bit of research on what was happening. She thought that was telling on her. Also she insisted that I was using her credit card,. She came up to me and try to take my telephone away from me.

Then she became very insecure and needy. She needed to be right next to me When I went to the bathroom, and close the door, she ended up banging on it. During this time, I had a telephone meeting with my pdoc. I explained to him what was going on, and he said that she was experiencing a. psychotic episode. He also said that she was having a nervous breakdown... All of this made it very very stressful time for me.

She she told me that she was not willing to do anything about any of this. So my only recourse was to tell her that I was leaving her. I told her that she needs to get help and when she does to give me a call afterwards, and then we will talk. Within a couple hours she was at the hospital, where she was then transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

So far it has been six weeks and she has not been back to her house. During this time she has not been responding to my messages, and my telephone calls. I'm thinking they must've transferred her to a longer-term facility. I have to find out where the facility is. So this, made for an distressing time for me.

Any suggestions at this point in time would be greatly appreciated. I am still trying to maintain a positive outlook on this.