Bipolar Check-In #78

This past Monday, I had some cap-like fillings added to six of my top teeth. The need was a result of years of teeth grinding and clenching. My top middle teeth, secondary incisors, and canine teeth had them added. I'm so unhappy with what she did to my top middle teeth. She lengthened them and I swear that she made my already wide gap even wider. My husband says they look much better now, and that the gap is no bigger. He says it's just an illusion because the teeth are longer. Either way, I think they look like buck teeth. My whole life I have never been self conscious about my gap, but now I am. You can also see a color difference between the cap fillings and my original teeth parts. The dentist said she'd work on reducing that, but my appointment isn't until May. I've been feeling depressed already, but this lowers my mood even more. The dentist also said I could always get braces, if I wanted the gap narrowed. Braces at over 50 years old!?! I almost want to cry. Plus, if I even did get braces, I'd not want the gap completely closed up. The gap is a little bit of my identity. It's hard to imagine looking at my teeth without it, at this juncture. What's worse, my bite is not quite right. I can't get my top and bottom molars to touch. She said she can fix that in May, too.

I'm at a stage where I wish I could run away (with Hubby), but I don't know where and I first need my inheritance to go anywhere. I don't like living in Czech Republic, yet I don't want to return to the US, either. I feel like I have no REAL home. I have no family beyond my husband and to a small degree, his family. Here in CZ I can't be me because I'm basically a mute with everyone but Hubby and his nephew. I do have a potential new friendship (with an English lady), but I've not seen her for over a week and I feel too depressed to initiate the next get together. It's my turn to do so. I will push myself, but maybe tomorrow I'll text her.

I haven't heard back from the job I applied to yet and I'm worried my pdoc won't put me on Wellbutrin if I'm starting a new job because "we don't want to do too many changes at one time."

The thing is I'm struggling terribly right now and I haven't slept good in awhile and I need another med so badly before I go totally insane

My endocronolgist can't see me until April. I see my therapist this afternoon.

Is working a 4AM job when you can't sleep well at night a good thing to do anyways?

Was this even smart to begin with or did I do something stupid applying to this job because of my bipolar?

My mom thinks I'm still having withdrawels from the prestiq and lamictal. I guess its possible. I've only been fully off them since Sunday. I know my antibiotic is still making me feel sick but my sinus infection is ok at least.

I feel kinda like I'm a danger to myself. Like not right now, not really, But if I were to accept this job I'd be kinda concerned about my safety....

Idk. I need to see my therapist. And my pdoc.

But I'm not sure this is a good idea based on my symptoms and the thoughts I'm having

Considering I haven't even heard from them maybe I'll luck out and they won't even hire me. But I'm not in a good place tbh and I hope my therapist doesn't send me IP.

I wish I had a legit reason to go IP right now. Last night someone threatened me for a pair of fking socks. Granted I have two pairs of super nice socks someone gave to me, but now it’s just one, and they’re wet af right now from walking in the snow. Anyway before bedtime I left and just slept in my car. Got cold last night too. Went into a Dunks to warm up and take a piss in the morn’ and couldn’t pee because someone was shooting up in the bathroom. 🙃

Tried getting in touch with an online therapist who says she’ll do texts/messages and whatever kind of appointment she can. Still waiting to hear back.

I keep getting these intense SI thoughts, although I realize this situation is temporary I still have doubts as to whether I will be able to live the life I want after the trauma I’ve been through.

Idk if I'm in a mental health crisis or if I just have severe stomach pain from my antibiotic. I don't feel S. My stomach just hurts like crazy.

My therapist thinks I'm still in pretty bad withdrawels from the Prestiq. I was acting pretty wasted in our session but she understood things.

But I don't feel S or a danger to myself or others. Mainly my stomach just really hurts right now. Pdoc said it could be nausea coming off the lamictal and to see my pcp.

So idk. Is it nausea from the antibiotics, the lamictal, or am I losing my marbles?

@Mountaindewed I'd bet it is the lamictal and/or the Pristiq and/or the antibiotic. The 3 together may be the real culprit. Some antibiotics are nasty. Augmentin makes me so sick I won't take it. I don't remember going off lamictal but I went off all at once because I had the rash and I was so sick from that I wouldn't have noticed if the withdrawals made my head explode. I don't know about Pristiq but my experience has been most ADs are hard to go off even when I've gone off very slowly because my pdoc knows I tend to have trouble. And having a sinus infection on top of all that, I think it's fairly reasonable that you don't feel well. Hopefully it will start to improve soon.

You are probably right. I just threw up.a bit. Again. I tried calling my PCP and he can't get into see me. I don't want to go to the ER because I'm worried there going to send me to the pysch hospital if I'm having withdrawels.

So I asked my mom to get me some OTC nausea stuff from Walgreens and I think I'll stop the antibiotic. Which may not be 100% a good idea, but whatever.

Don't stop the antibiotic! That can lead to resistant bacteria and having seen that a lot of times in my professional life you do not want that. It also leads to antibiotic resistant diseases for the population in general. They are nasty.

If you think you can't tolerate the antibiotic call your family doctor and ask what to do or go back to the urgent care.

They won't put you IP for withdrawals unless you are suicidal or homicidal.

I second what your rainbow said. Don’t stop your antibiotic. Your infection can come back worse than ever. Do call you GP or go to urgent care if you feel the antibiotic is ineffective and let the doctor find you a new one. There’s a reason you are supposed to finish all antibiotics

That's just it, there is a point while you are here. We each contribute a little to the world and others' lives, directly or indirectly.

Don't worry about a hundred years from now, think about what you can do today, even if it's a small thing.

I often find shopping carts in the parking lots where I shop. I sometimes gather them and return them. It's a small gesture but it helps someone, somewhere.

Someone once said, don't confuse small with insignificant. We each make a contribution, however small but not insignificant.

I'm speaking from the experience of being depressed for the past seven years. There is hope that things will get better, whether by meds, our doing, or maybe both. Just believe that you can contribute your verse to the poem of life. Don't let the depression distort.

@Mountaindewed, maybe try to sleep in a slightly sitting position. I find that if I lay flat after a meal that I feel like throwing up and almost do sometimes.

I have found that if I sleep on my back with my head elevated, that seems to improve the situation with my stomach.

I eventually lie on my side, but do that after about 2am which seems to give my system enough time to digest.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I took some Emetrol rapid nausea relief liguid stuff and I felt better. I was able to eat a healthy chicken pasta frozen meal for dinner. Then I suddenly needed to throw up some more. Now I'm feeling better again and I don't plan on eating again tonight. @Scooter9 I'm proppped up now with a pillow with arms. @BeyondtheRainbow and @Nammu I'll keep taking the antibiotic. And this doesn't seem like mental health related anymore. My anxiety is overall ok now. I think that Emetrol stuff can ease anxiety pretty good from what I was googling

Ugh. My pdoc increased my gabapentin so I was to take 1200 mg at 8:30 and 800 mg at 11 pm. I took a few days to build up to 800 because I didn't want to be knocked out but I was taking it as a PRN when I couldn't sleep every night anyway. l finally gave in and took it and had a wonderful night of sleep. The next night sleep was harder but I still slept without PRN. Since then it's just gotten worse even with my PRN dose. I think I need more AP but it has to be really bad before my pdoc prescribes more because my level still isn't in the normal range (just close to it) and we don't want that to go back up. I have a feeling I'm going to need even more gabapentin. Which is fine, I've been on more, but I hesitate to trust my abilities to drive once I'm on anymore than this. I can't imagine I'm not going to get groggy sometime soon.


I'm so frustrated. I have been feeling a little bit better but I have to sleep for that to work out. And to make it worse last night I forgot to get fresh Emsam patches out of the closet and put there where I can put them on. Missing a day isn't really a big deal as they have a long half-life. But tonight's patch stuck to my pajamas or something and is pulling loose. It won't make it through the night. So I'm going to be running slightly low on that level and I really need that level to be good.

I keep telling myself that this is not as bad as last year. I know that. But I'm just so tired of fighting to do everything. I just want to sleep for about 3 days solid and wake up and be all better. Someone tell my fairy godmother please?

I have a lot of excess med weight that won't budge now that i am in menopause. I'm always on the lookout for ways to modulate the torment. Humor helps. Here's a couple things i came across recently:

"Women who are fat live much longer than the men who comment on it!"

I found the above one online but thought of one myself: "I'm twice the woman i was before!"

I woke up feeling ok mood wise but I'm all shaky and out of breath and my skin feels jittery. Idk how to explain it. It feels like I'm going to have a seziure. I feel wobbly and unsteady when I walk. Like it feels like I have the chills but not really. I just took my blood pressure and maybe the machine is off but it says my blood pressure is 133/94 and my pulse is 117

I took it again and it was .126/102 and my pulse was 112.

Then I took it again a few minutes later and it was 138/94 and my pulse is 96.

Meanwhile my mom is just like "its not an emergency." Just do some deep breathing.

Now my pulse is fluctating between 107-119 and my blood pressure is acceptable

Great quotes!

I hear you on the weight gain stuff. A couple months back I actually lost 8 lbs, but then my mood turned and I've since gained it all back. I am not in the mindframe to work on a diet now, but know I should do something to avoid major overeating. I'm pretty good all day long until the evening. I eat a normal dinner, then I take my meds and start eating like I've never eaten before. I've been progressing in peri-menopause. I think it started about four years ago. Now my monthly is not so much monthly anymore, but not completely gone. When it first started I had some months with 20 day periods, then a couple months with nothing. Then a little regular, and repeat. Luckily the 20 day ones seem to be gone.

I did something today, but not too much. I was proud to have finally contacted my new friend to arrange a get together. She responded seeming to be glad to hear from me. She said that she and her husband would be happy to accept my invitation to join Hubby and me for a lunch at a local restaurant. I originally included her two little kids in my invitation, but Hubby will be happy to learn that she'll leave them with their Grandma. Again, my friend is British, but her husband is Czech, like mine. She's a very upbeat lady. I could use that in my life. I'll be trying very hard not to screw up this friendship opportunity. That's why I pushed myself to finally get it going again.

I made a pot of homemade chili today, along with some corn muffins. They're good. Also did basic house tidying and dishes, and a couple loads of laundry. Good enough.

My husband's youngest nephew accepted a job in Germany. I'm happy for him, yet sort of sad we won't see him as often. He's one of the few other people here that I can speak English with, plus he and Hubby are close. It's good, though. He needs to finally separate himself a bit more from my s-i-l.

Thank you for the funny quote. Much appreciated.

I also at some point was twice the woman I had been before. Then I lost some weight so I am now not quite twice but still a big woman.

I recently intensified my exercise (doing a variety of cardio, strength training, and Yin yoga plus Restorative yoga for pleasure, that last one as before) and my recent extensive bloodwork improved across the board. Insulin did not improve but everything else, all the cardio risk biomarkers, did improve. And I got confirmation from published research that exercise is helpful regardless of weight loss. So the improvement in my biomarkers is consistent with published studies. I have a very low risk of negative cardio events now, even though I am obese. I also grew muscle mass and became more toned and people comment on it, saying that I must have lost weight, but I have not lost a single pound. So I would say, exercise for fun, pleasure, and these objective improvements, even if this does not move the needle on the scale one little bit! @JaneOnceMore

I walked a little over a mile today walking around the block. I’m still waiting for my Amazon delivery.

"I'm twice the woman I was before!"

Lol

Made my day.

I am so depressed. I have no clue what to do. hopefully I sleep for a few hours.

I took all my meds before noon so I didn't have anything left. I took my PM meds at noon.

I am struggling right now. I kind of want to go IP but the hospital near me is really bad

I'm not safe there. I just don't know what to do.

My mom said she would take me to my pdocs hospital which is several hours away and in another state. Thats like a country club IP. But plans would have to be made and I think I'll be ok if I just keep hanging on. And take my meds propely

And I just got an email and its a no from a smaller store I applied at.

Okay.

Just stay away from extra pills!

When is your next pdoc appointment?

Monday evening

Hold on until then @Mountaindewed !

I really need to stop my antibiotic. Its causing me to become psychotic. Google amoxicillan and mental health and you'll see what I'm talking about. But I'm not in the right frame of mind at the moment. I'm just done. I feel like I'm about to head into a crippling nightmare.

I feel like my mom wouldnt be too upset if she had to take me IP. She would get to stay at my aunts instead of a hotel and they could do stuff while I'm at the hospital

I am so achy right now too. I don't know why. But yeah I'll fall asleep and wake up in an hour with a nocturnal panic attack

I can't sleep in the first place. Like I want to but I just cant I'm so worked up and I can't do anything this weekend about anything because everyone is gonna be fixated on the superbowl

Why do y look like u and u look like s.

Mountaindewd, have you told the doc who prescribed the antibiotic of your suspicions? Perhaps they could confirm one way or another and if needed, even change your antibiotic. As others said, fighting an infection is mandatory.

If you and your mom think IP is needed, then it's worth doing.