Bipolar Check-in #79

Pretty stable. The ups and downs weren't so bad today. Woke up at 4am and it's been tough for me to sleep through the night lately, so I hope that it doesn't lead to a manic episode. Scared of Easter coming up - I've been hospitalized almost every year around this time for the past 20 years. I'm doing okay, but some of these manic episodes come out of nowhere.

On the marriage license I believe you can change it on there.

I can't stress how much getting to sleep is for us. yes call your pdoc and make an appointment.
you sound really high .
bizi

not doing so well today

mothers day without a mother. it's hard. it really is

I feel like I'm on my soapbox today -- I've been following some internet mental health forums/reddit where so much misinformation is thrown around it's sickening (I don't mean this forum!). People speak with certainty about things they know demonstrate knowing nothing about and propogating fear in people. Just reminds me I need to get off the internet more often lol. [I know social media is essentially the same thing, but I dont use it much].

Other than that, I'm feeling OK today. Just a little bored.

Zero hours of sleep last night.

My husband wants to cancel our romantic anniversary getaway because he said I'm manic. I was like, "FUKK NO!!!" I don't want to cancel our trip! I've been looking forward to it for weeks! He's freaking me out. I'm FINE. I'm just really getting into my creative projects. I just took some seroquel. Hopefully I can get a nap in before my alarm goes off at eleven (still have to pack and stuff). I hope the seroquel makes me tired. Yesterday it just made me high, and my pm dose did absolutely nothing (I take 200mg before bed).

Seriously, at this point, I have to drastically DRUG myself in order to get any sleep!!!

But who needs sleep anyway? I have things to do! I have access to our Amazon account now because I'm self-publishing through kdp and could TOTALLY go on a shopping spree!!!!!!!! Oh! That would be fun! I'd REALLY get in trouble though, but do I feel like a bad girl or a good girl? I'll figure that out during my restful period!

I'm so happy right now I think I'm going to start crying. Omg!!!

I hope for a safe landing for you...

I'm doing well today. I actually pulled out a book last night for the first time all year and read several pages. My sleep was pretty much fine all night. Maybe from reading for a bit. My anxiety and moods have been fine today. I was getting kinda nauseated until I put on my glasses. I have an appointment with an ENT nurse practioner tommorow. I think I just need to wear my glasses all the time but they want to check my balance and do a hearing test. The hearing test is another appointment. Then my sister is coming over for dinner. I have a mini trip on Tuesday and coming back Wednesday. My new meds should arrive Thursday or Friday. Then I start that the following Tuesday. Then I have my eye exam on the 20th and my hearing test sometime later in the month. March will be busy. Tonight I'm trying out this sausauge egg casserole and also banana foster recipes for the crockpot.

I’m stupid lol. Walked 7 miles through the park and down the road hoping to catch a bus back to the library. It’s fking Sunday and there are no buses. 🙃

I told two of my friends about my BPD dx and n either of them were surprised. I’m a little offended haha. I feel like a ridiculously bad person. Stupid. Worthless. Evil. Unstable.

Pdoc appt Thursday. I seriously need to ask her how to tell the difference between Bpd mood swings and bipolar mood swings. I know bipolar lasts longer, but my T says BPD moods can last for a couple days too.

I feel like I’ve been extra impulsive lately but maybe I’m just more aware of fking up.

I just need the drs note by Thursday morning.

well its sunday so its 6 days til i say I do! catering is taken care of mostly. eveything is falling into place. were going to a travellers wig wam village to stay after the wedding. move in starts tomorrow for our new apt! tuesday we buy marriage license. wed i get hair done and access to my final dress try on. thursday i work. friday i get nails done and rehearsal and saturday is the big day! relatives i cant stad are coming in thursday ugh. soooo much happening this week! we signed the lease to ur apt today. its my first time living with someone other than family. i went on a bit of a shopping spree today fro some apt items like a silverware drawer organizer and paper towel holder. cute little bathroom trash can and even pillows foru our new bed!

Exciting things!!! Enjoy it all

I'm just about to call my pdoc and tell him I went back on 75mil of Lamictal. If he gets pissed, whatever. I can deal with it. But I feel a lot better on 75mg of Lamictal and 150mg of Wellbutrin. I left my house in the afternoon to go shopping and I had a doctors appointment and my anxiety was fine. Finding another pdoc just isnt that easy. Although I might get fired from him for doing this though.

My brother in law got into a tizzy or some **** and said the kids did something and needed to go to bed at 6:30. So they aren't coming over tonight. Which I'm glad. But my brother in law sure gets worked up over things.

I have my mini trip tommorow and I don't feel like doing anything tonight anyways.

If you really want to get a new pdoc easy, MAKE your pdoc fire you and he either has to find you someone new or you can sue him for patient abandonment.

I'm pretty sure I'm about to get fired. His nurse called back a few minutes ago and she was livid. And she asked how long it took for me to get up to 75mil. She said my doctor is gonna be totally pissed. But whatever. I know what I did was the right thing to do. Not to mention I tried calling getting a sooner appointment then April and he wouldn't even discuss things on the phone.

I have a couple names of places my therapist gave me last week.

I just hope he doesn't decide to send me IP. Is it possible he could do that?

He probably wouldn’t be able to if you’re not a legitimate danger to yourself/others and can take care of yourself enough to function. I know IP isn’t great, but even if he comes up with some BS reason that you’re a “danger” you can use IP to fast track yourself to someone new. Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Since its after 5 I don't think I'm gonna get torn a new one tonight. Maybe the nurse just overeacted. Its not like I started off right at 75mg or some ****

well ive started packing. granny seems sad

I am ready to go to bed and it is only 9:15pm.
normally we stay up until 10;30 the get ready for
bed lights out by 1130.
My alarm is set for 9am, my first client is close by
so I could hit snooze a few times and still be able
to get up and ready to go see her. For a 10;30 appointment.

She is my age
I am 61 years old I started seeing her as a client when she fell
and broke her neck and ankle I think.
She had to wear this really fortified neck stabilizer
not the soft cushy one. She had to wear it for 6 weeks.
ouch!!!
any way.....My hubby and I are night owls.
Hated this time change.
He gets up at 7;15 to go feed the cats in
the neighborhood.
He jogs and walks and is in pretty good shape.
I am not. I drink to much. I belong to planet fitness and
have not gone in a year. It is inexpensive 10$ a month.
But still it is throwing money down the drain if i don't go.
I really want to go but end up drinking and there goes
my motivation to go. I weigh about 50 pounds heavier
then I was 5 years ago. And a few years before then
I was 70 pounds over my unhealthy weight of 122 and
seriously going to a really nice health club. I am 5'7".
I am pushing 200 pounds. It is from drinking fattening drinks.
I think I have a healthy food intake.
Eat mini meals at the health food store and cafe.
All of the fruits and veggies are organic. They use grass
feed beef. I have made some friends. Bill is quite involved with AA.
He eats there every day and gets the mini meal also.
Bill has been sober at least 7 years.
He has never encouraged me to go.
I am sorry for taking over this thread.
Hallie good luck with your move and then your wedding.
Lots of changes in a short amount of time. Watch your moods.
I miss christina does she still post here?
good luck to all of you and hugs if you need them.
((((((((HUGS))))))
Bizi

Tomorrow i celebrate my dog's eleventh Home Day. Home Day is the day you brought a pet home to live with you. I celebrate her birthday in October and her Home Day. I have kept a dog happy and healthy for eleven years! Woohoo! And we've been thru some tough times together. She is usually an easy dog but it's been hard nursing her thru several minor illnesses she's had. It's hard to care for a sick dog when i am sick myself. But we have made it! Eleven years!

Today was up and down. I've written here about how i usually feel miserable in the morning. It usually takes two or three tries to get up. But today i got right up on the first try and felt good. It was sunny out after dreary weekend weather, so that helped. I was a bit worried about a spontaneous hypomania.

But then i went in my support group's ZOOM social hour and got really angry at this very unpleasant woman who talked on and on and usurped the time, when i wanted to hear from some of the fun others. My anger passed in a few hours tho. It always does. I shouldn't panic when i get angry. "This too shall pass," i must remember. There's nothing to do about this woman as it's a social group, and anything goes.

I did some mindful meditation but i have mixed feelings about some of the reading i've done about it. It says, one one hand, to experience things with "beginner's mind," as if for the first time, and not thru the veil of your own expertise, which often thinks it knows more than it does. But then it says, on the other hand, to "trust" yourself and your own intuition and authority. So it seems conflicting.

I'm really excited about a plan i have to pay off my home in three years. I've had hard feelings about my home since it was so expensive, even tho it's a modest small one-bedroom apartment-condo and inexpensive relative to a detached family house, of course. It's been hard to enjoy it because of the mortgage weighing so heavily on me. But now that i'm nearing the end, i'm getting so excited! Soon this place will be mine, all mine!

I did my taxes last week and i am very intimidated about financial stuff so i was pretty nervous about it. But this year the government site has a feature where you can check on the progress of your tax return and i got the most welcome news that my filing has been accepted! I did it correctly! Yay!!!

Hugs to all!

I'm in the middle of phone/portal message tag with my pdoc right now. I messaged him this morning about how they will not schedule me for a dizziness test if I am not willing to stop my meds for 48 hours before the test. He called me back this evening, but I was in a counseling appointment so missed his call. He said he thinks I'd probably be fine pausing the meds for this test and suggested I just do it towards the end of the week so I have the weekend to recover/get meds back in my system.

I sent him a message in response to the voicemail asking specifically about lamotrigine. I asked him if I'd have to start lamotrigine at a lower dose again if I stop it for two full days before this test so that I don't get the rash that can happen.

Thursday, I meet with my boss in part to talk about next school year. I am going to ask if it would be possible to have 5th period (last class of the day) prep next year. This would possibly allow me to keep my pdoc, at least longer than through this summer, because I could leave during my prep in order to get to appointments on time. Fingers crossed this can happen!

@Mountaindewed Send or fax him a written note stating that you were offended by his nurse' reaction to your sharing the news of your going back on Lamictal. Tell him that you are feeling much better, are neither high nor low, and have improved in your daily functioning (give him a couple of examples of that improvement as of lately). Tell him that your anxiety has subsided since you re-introduced Lamictal to your daily regimen. Tell him that you have monitored your skin closely for rashes and none have appeared.

Further, express your disappointment in his refusal to see you before April when you asked, and, similarly, in his refusal to discuss anything over the phone. Say that you would have preferred to discuss re-introduction of Lamictal with him and to obtain his guidance in titrating up Lamictal, but due to his dismissive attitude you were left to your own devices. Tell him that you managed well but still would have preferred to work in partnership with the prescriber and not all alone.

***

He will see that you are creating a paper trail that will make it impossible for him to claim that you are a danger to self/others or grossly incapable of handling the tasks of daily living, and thus he won't send you inpatient.

If you really want to, you can simply tell him that being left to your own devices felt like being abandoned to you. If you really, really want to, you can tell him that if he does not want to provide care for you in ways that take into account your needs and symptoms, you would appreciate if he refers you out to competent and compassionate prescribers as soon as possible.

Unlike @MuddyBoots, I do not think you can quite sue him for abandonment since you have not suffered substantial harm (so there are no damages), but you can easily file a Medical Board complaint for patient abandonment against him; that requires just accusing him of a transgression, without showing of damages.

If you actually read my fking post, you’d realize I was talking about the scenario where MDs pdoc “fired” him without MD having another provider in line. If the pdoc refused to see a client anymore he would not prescribe said client medication. If said client would not be prescribed medication he would not have safe and legal access to said medication. Now here’s where I may be confused. I’m making the wild assumption, based on what MD has written and what I’ve been told since my first diagnosis, that medication is important and that NOT HAVING ACCESS TO THE MEDS **WOULD** BE REALLY FKING BAD!

But maybe I’m wrong and Dewed doesn’t need any sort of Rx…

I do need medication and a good pdoc. Not my asshole one. I don't know whats going to happen yet. I called him late yesterday and all I got was his pissed off nurse who said he wouldn't be happy with me.

Sorry for the confusion everyone. But I am going out of state in a couple hours and I'm just gonna let him decide what to do. I have backup plans and I talked with my therapist last night who is helping me out. So I don't think I'll be left hanging.

I read your post. You are being angry for no reason and you are not showing appreciation for the many posts in your support I have written, spending my time, and the detailed post to help MD. There is no reason to be angry. I am not angry at you in return as I realize that you have your issues with impulsivity; I am just showing you that here, you have been overtaken by your impulsivity, having a knee jerk reaction, and that you could have done better.

I do have legal training unlike you and I can tell you that simply not having access to medication would not rise to the level of harm you need to file a successful medical malpractice issue. And the patient can seek another provider to get access to safe and legal medication. The patient, and MD is functional, is not helpless and is able to go to another prescriber, remedying the situation. In this particular case, the patient already has a therapist who is providing referrals. He is not helpless or, as MD put, "left hanging".

Now, if immediately upon being fired as a patient, the patient committed suicide due to lack of meds, that would have been another story. Have you heard that you need a corpse to prevail in a medical malpractice case? And even that, not always.