Bipolar Check-in #79

I'm feeling better; stronger. This is the second flicker i've had this Spring of good mood. I had two great games of Scrabble last night. Thoughts of the past are not so painful. I just tell myself i was a different person then. It's comforting.

My digestion is still broken tho. I've cut way back, even cut out pop. Maybe i just have to wait until i am ravenous to eat? I worry about it because work will be done on my bathroom soon and i won't have access to it at all times during the one week. There are other bathrooms in the building but i don't know if i can make it there in time. It looks like i'll just have to fast while the work is being done and i have no access.

N1 took me out for coffee this morning! N3 is taking me out to eat for a late lunch/early dinner tomorrow and N2 is taking me out to eat sometime later in the week.

Not that I'm the epitome of great eating habits, but definitely try to maintain a steady intake without too much fluctuation. If you don't get what the nutrients and caloric intake your body needs based on activity, size, age, metabolism for a sustained amount of time that will backfire majorly. There's this thing when you are able to and allow yourself to eat after a period of not eating, your body thinks "omg, I can eat! This might be it for a while so I better stock up" and you will NOT be able to control yourself. Even when I didn't have an appetite and wasn't eating due to active Hep C, when my appetite came back, it REALLY came back and fked everything up and it's still fked half a year later (better choices probably could've helped my digestion tract, appetite, and metabolism return to normal by now, but hey )

Happy Mother's Day to moms of all kinds out there It can be a difficult day, but know you are worthy, you're doing the best you can, and you are cared about. Rock on my friends
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Some dude's selling his synthesizer. Messaged him to see if there's any sort of agreement we can make (I don't have cash, so I'll like move furniture, clean, paint the living room, yard work, be a baby sitter, be a trip sitter, sleep with him, whatever lol) so I can get my hands on that mofo.

Feeling pretty good today. My CM called and asked how I was doing. Seemed concerned and kinda hinted she expected me to call later in some kind of crisis. Explained last week she had a family emergency so that's why she blew me off.

I was gonna say the same thing (about fluctuation). You really wanna be Goldilocks here. Which is why it is soooo messed up when parents force overeating on their kids. Like finish this jar of babyfood so i dont have to deal with it. A friend of a friend did that to her baby in my presence once, and i swear that baby looked terrorized. Its so hard to get that sense back. My mom did that to my cousin's kid and the kid puked spaghetti all over her stepmom's new white carpet. Thats when i knew she did it to me too. Just thoughtless, egotistical.

My brother in law forced my nephew to eat green beans when he was about 3. It got so bad my mom snuck a couple to help him out. He was begging my mom to help him. Then of course he puked a bit later.

I'm doing ok today. I haven't thrown up and I haven't taken my stomach med in over 48 hours. I've still needed zofran and tylenol though. I've been watching non news TV for once. I'm not feeling too depressed or anxious. Just kinda normal.

I got asked what my favorite color was today and I have no idea. I always wear a black Target brand t shirt and blue Levis and black and white Nikes and a plain black baseball hat.

My stomach felt off and I just threw up a wad of dark chocolate.

Ok so maybe things aren't 100% better without the pantropanozole.

Now I'm just throwing up in general.....

My fat cat is the size of a 6 month old baby and weighs 13 pounds. He is huge. He just walked down the hallway. He is cranky too.

Just dedicated the last few hours to watering my bulimia plant and now the stop sign turned green. Just make me a running back... but no point in wearing a helmet on a motorcycle if you know what I'm saying

Shake It Off. Or have the shakes. I think I misinterpreted something. Super blurry too

Having a really good day. The weather was just really nice and cool. Went to see my parents and brought my mom an ice cream cake to celebrate her birthday today as well as Mother's Day. I gave her two cards with money in it, because I've always hated it when people gave one present for two holidays, and I would never do that to someone. Like my sister always gets two presents around Christmas because her birthday is the Dec 28th, (that when she was talking to me of course).

Just enjoyed the day with them, they made so much food, I have leftovers for at least three days that I came home with. I am just so thankful for today that I got the opportunity to be with them and celebrate my mom. She's a cancer survivor and is the bravest, wisest, and hardest working woman I know. I adore her so much.

Symptoms wise I may be a little high, but I think that's normal after a good day. Really tired though, which is good sign.

Slow Monday today. Mother's Day yesterday was lovely. Always so nice to get the little hand made gifts from my son and his hand made card. Made my day.

Hope anyone who's a mother had a decent Mother's Day on Sunday.

This weekend was pretty good-I was able to be much more productive/active than I have in a few weekends. I am pretty tired because of it though.

Friday, I bought a journal with prompts called "Let That **** Go: a journal for leaving your ******** behind and creating a happy life." The text is hilarious and the three prompts I've completed are simple but very deep/helpful. I plan on completing one prompt a night and taking it to my weekly counseling appointments. I'm looking forward to counseling tomorrow because my mom triggered me by sending an unexpected gift to me (so unexpectedly entering my safe zone in a different state) for teacher appreciation week.

Only two weeks of the school year left. Well, plus one week of teacher work days. It's going to be a "hit the ground running" few weeks.

My daughter made me the sweetest Mother's Day card! Honestly, melted my heart. Better than any card or gift she could have bought me. Twelve is such a cool age. I must be doing something right! She's an artist, and she took the time to draw a picture of the two of us together.

On to the work week! I don't feel motivated at all though. Talking with my friend on the phone instead of working, lol. Also, my psych appointment got cancelled this morning, ugh! I wanted to tell my pdoc that I stopped taking my morning meds and wanted to find out her thoughts about it. I wasn't really supposed to see her for another three months, but I feel that she should know, and I honestly wanted to hear her opinion.

Feeling pretty good so far today - finally got up and going, just have to make my bed, that's the only chore left for the morning.

Hope everybody has a great day!

I took 2 melatonin and 2 Unisom last night because I was hot and couldnt sleep. Then my mom turned on the air and I fell asleep almost instantly.

I'm pretty groggy today. And I thought my stomach was ok but it isnt. I ate a chili cheese dog and drank an iced matcha and then puked a bunch of times. But I'm not in pain which is good. Mainly I'm just super drowsy.

My GI appointment is tommorow afternoon. I hope they don't cancel again in a few hours like last time.

I still don't freaking know when to call my CM or T. If I called every time I felt tempted to act on a suicidal thought, I'd be on the phone with them non-stop. But my CM told me this morning I should call before doing something. How am I supposed to know if I'm going to do something? I legitimately don't.



I'm a stupid POS and I can't even know what I'm going to do in five minutes so why tf should I bother trying to set goals, stick to plans, make commitments, etc. when the only thing I know for sure is I'm going to change those at least five times before they come up and end up doing something completely different. I don't understand. How am I supposed to want to live when I don't believe in anything that isn't this second?

Literally yesterday I said I was going to wake up early and let a neighbor give me a ride to see my CM at the agency, and then go to a friend's and spend the night there, and then walk to my partner's the next day maybe spend the night. Not even past the first step and I screwed up.

Welp. Totally backtracked AGAIN. But this was a good sign. I have been aching for weeks with grief and heartache about my ex and how much I missed him. According to his mom, he's still in the psych hospital and will leave in 2 weeks to go to a community residence. It will be up to him to stay in treatment and stay clean and do the right thing, that's the real test.

I backtracked because I called him. He can't find out my phone number because I called the public telephone on the ward. It was so good hearing his voice, I wished him the best and told him that I really hope he takes care and makes a better life for himself. It was the closure I needed that I didn't get from what I thought was our final conversation a month ago- that one was just awful. He sounded so sad, but this was for the best, and I think he accepts it now as much as I do. I won't go beating myself up any more about this whole thing, I feel that I needed to call so I did.

May he find peace and God guide his path - I did everything I could for him. I love him so so much still, I think I will for a very long time.

@Mountaindewed:

When my stomach is upset i find it helpful to eat only bland food.

I'm kind of unhappy right now but I don't really know why. I don't really feel depressed. I'm just tired I guess. I'm not anxious.

I think I really do just have a hangover from the Unisom. I can't stay awake but my mental health seems overall ok.

Now I'm in so much pain I'm throwing up. Fun.

Ive lost my cell phone simply from walking inside my apt from my car. wth? its not in the washer (im oding laundry) so thats good at least!

I'm so angry with this man in my ZOOM group. At first there were just he and i and the facilitator there. She is a young woman. He said she was beautiful -- right in front of me! What a chump. So rude and inappropriate. So i binged. Now i'm worried about waking up sick tomorrow. It wasn't such a bad binge, so hopefully i'll be okay. About 1500 cals today and i feel nauseous so that should be it for the day. Eee, tomorrow morning!

So it looks like I'm having an allergic reaction to Vraylar.

It has a long half life of 2-4 days so it'll take a while to get out of my system. I'm stopping it tomorrow.

Too bad, it was working

Was feeling a bit too "high" earlier, finally came back down to reality. Thinking about my ex now, I really shouldn't have called him. He misses me a lot, I miss him a lot too. Why does it have to be this hard?

I'm feeling blue this moring. I took 2 Unisom and 30mil of zzquil and now I'm just feeling meh. Plus our toilet keeps running and its driving me nuts.

I have my GI appointment in about 6 hours. I need to drag myself into the shower. I'm cold.

I need to throw up although that may not be a bad thing.

I still haven't gotten in the shower

I threw up. I'm not sure about the shower. I threw up my Geodon last night so I'm just down in the dumps today.

Cured my depression. I don’t need therapy or meds or anything.

ALL I NEED IS REGULAR FLUFFERNUTTERS!!!!

But seriously I did call my CM from the top of a parking garage earlier after my “partner” that I’m probably never going to see again told me they made other commitments today when I was supposed to go to their place for the day and night. Fuc ‘em.