Bipolar Check-in #84

@Crazy Hitch

It'll still fit! Don't worry. 😊

I had a quiet day enjoying my cozy home while the wind raged outside. My depression was tame today. We have snow in the forecast. I'm not surprised, it certainly is cold enough. Check out the word i got in Scrabble!

I have a lot of intrusive self hatred thoughts. They tend to pop up especially when I’m doing something like exercising or anything to improve myself or my skills. I think of how much I hate myself repeatedly. Trying to ignore the thought doesn’t work cause then it comes back stronger.

I just feel anger and hatred and disgust towards myself

I met my laundry goal. Nothing is folded but at least it is clean. Tomorrow I'll have to try to get it all folded. Right now I'm tired and my meds are kicking in. But I'm really glad.

I’m thinking about getting a cat again, I’m really missing Sir. But the rescue here wants you to pick a cat online. That’s impossible I need to meet the cat and be around them to get a feel for their personality. How they look is not important to me. It took me two and half years to find Sir, but I didn’t pick him, he picked me.

Well I am not sleeping but I did get some Christmas shopping done. I know that I'm not supposed to do anything online when I'm not sleeping but I was feeling anxious about this so I decided to take care of it. Whatever. I've done worse things when I couldn't sleep. In a minute I'll read my book and see if that helps.

I just realized that my high risk breast visit and MRI are only a week away and that always makes me anxious. It's likely that sleep will require a lot of distraction this week. At least I didn't forget to put nearly all of my clozaril in my pill box. I was very careful about that.


I also discovered that my cat is going to have to change foods. I can no longer afford what she's been on her whole life since she came off kitten food. This makes me nervous because she has a sensitive stomach and tendency to allergies so I'll have to change her over very slowly. I'll have to find out what food will replace hers nutritionally.

Anyway, time to try to sleep.

@Nammu

I totally understand about cats picking you. Both of our cats picked us! And our previous cats that have now passed away have picked us too. It's like you walk into the shelter and sit down and there are all these cute cats around you and there's just a special one that walks up to you and starts purring and rubbing against your legs, and you can just tell this cat has picked you, and this is the cat you're going homing with!

@Blue_Bird:

I have that too. It's so painful. Sometimes i repeat out loud, "I hate myself." It's a hard way to live. I haven't found anything to help cope with it. If i do, i'll pass it along.

I feel like things are starting to slip. Took an hour long power walk in the dark this morning. My pdoc visit went mostly okay I guess though when I told him I don't feel like taking my medication half the time, he's like "Well, don't do that!" Then, I mentioned the anxiety is causing me nausea and reading is getting harder for me and I'm overspending. Pdoc is like, well, we can increase your Seroquel. And I'm like, increase to how much? He's like 400 mg; I already take 300 mg/night. Then, I asked did he want to turn me into a zombie or something and he said I sounded defensive how about increasing to 350 mg? And I said, ok, fine, but can I have the extra 50 mg in 25 mg tablets so I can take 1 or 2 a day for anxiety & panic attacks? Thankfully, he went along with that! Then he told me I should come back next week, but I said how about 2 weeks, I'm practically living at your office. He agreed and then told me to strongly reconsider therapy.

Well, whatever. At least I get the 25 mg quetiapine which works on my anxiety almost as well as Xanax.

I may have had some anger issues today.

Im feeling somewhat calm today. Little anxiety but not like yesterdays. im busy at work. ive already yhad two sessions this am. two more homework assignments due for this hard class. i have a 96 in there right now-heres hoping i can maintain.

I feel better today. My whatever I had going on yesterday is better. My heartburn is fine today and I haven't taken any antacids or pepcids. My blood pressure is normal. My nausea is fine too. I did 40 crunches with my ab roller. I'm trying to do more and then use my treadmill. I'm not really looking forward to thanksgiving. I have a pdoc appointment tommorow and an increase in my Prestiq or Lamictal wouldn't hurt but I'm not sure he'll agree to a med increase with my physical issues. I'm thinking of having my mom with me to vouce for me.

Its not that I'm anxious or more depressed then normal. I'm just more tired and lacking energy more then I was before.

Thank you Jane, I’m sorry you deal with it too


I’m doing okay today. Slept pretty good. Tired as hell from my morning meds though. I get my turkey basket today.

Gonna practice violin later. Feel on the verge of falling asleep right now. Listening to cello/instrumental cover of the Game of Thrones theme song by Break of Reality.

Got my 25 mg quetiapine now. Just took one and I hope to h*ll it calms me down. I have been so nauseous from the anxiety I haven't been able to eat yet today.

i thought all my anxiety was situatinal wtih schoolbut apparently my overreplaced thyroid issue causes anxiety, insomnia and heart palpitations among other symptomts im having but brushed off!

I got my turkey basket! Lots of good stuff in there. There’s a bag of potatoes, a bag of onions, a bag of carrots, a huge bag of apples, grape juice, stuffing, margarine, oatmeal, velveeta Mac and cheese, various canned goods, cranberry sauce, a card to get a free half gallon of milk at a local store here, chili, chicken salad, pudding mix, a bag of pistachios , raisins

I’m gonna use everything but the turkey the turkey I put in my freezer and will cook that for Christmas Eve.

@Blue_Bird That looks awesome! Have fun cooking!

Thanks Blueberry! Hope the seroquel helps you.

I love holiday times. Because it makes me feel less guilty about relaxing and taking it easy. Sometimes I’m really hard on myself for no reason to be “productive” all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to not have a to do list for the day. It feels right to relax the week of holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I don’t know why I’ve had a blinking headache since yesterday. Woke up now this morning with the same headache. Ughhh. Maybe I haven’t been drinking enough water. Idk….
I ordere an online DIY nail kit for pedicures on Friday. Called Sistaco. Just hoping it lasts because it was expensive!

O blue 🐦 bird that basket looks great. Happy cooking.

I know what you mean about relaxing. I’ve not yet gotten dressed or put my teeth in, and I’ve had people knocking on my door this morning.

Sadly my temporary parking is up the end of this month! Ah well it was great while it lasted. I know it would come to an end but was hoping for another month. Ah well.

Well we went over everything at my pnurse appointment . She didn't have much to say about the lung scar tissue and partially collapsed lung. We are keeping the Vraylar and gabapentin the same. She says all drugs like Vraylar -like the one I reacted to in California- have the same side effects. That's why we are keeping my Vraylar dose at 1.5. Gabapentin is staying at 200. She thinks the broken cpap contributed to my sleeping problems- no kidding!

My chest still hurts. My asthma numbers are good- O2 stats are 97. Peak flow meter still at 400. Maybe its sore from the asthma attack I had. I guess my doctor will figure it out. Maybe I really do have a partially collapsed lung and scar tissue! I want to ask my dr if she will prescribe a nebulizer.

Oh! N3and I went to the grocery store yesterday and he told me that his dad's dad offered to pay for N3’s schooling and apartment!!! I'm shocked! He really wants to help him succeed in being an engineer like he was! I hope he lives four more years. He's 80.

Oh man. This added wellbutrin has me all hot and bothered feeling, like seriously hornier than usual! It's starting to become really uncomfortable, like I'm becoming hypersexual again. Fudge man. Well, it's worked in making me hornier.... Now to see if it works for my actual problem! I hope my psychiatrist was right. She DID say it helps some people. I hope I'm the some people because whew 🔥 🥵 , getting warm in here!

sick with anxiety. ugh

Fell asleep at 3 pm. Woke up at 8. Chest doesn’t hurt now. Dreamed I got together with my e-mail friend and we had such a wonderful time! Wish it were real! Hope I can sleep tonight.

My fwb suggested that my symptoms could be long Covid! But my Covid test from the ER Thursday was negative.

I've got a lot of mixed feelings right now since tomorrow will be the first day I see family-I'll be around family through Saturday. I could also use one day to just sleep in (I didn't get to as late as normal this weekend) but that won't happen since I'll be with family and I'll have to hit the ground running on Sunday to get ready to head back to school Monday. I'm honestly a little in shock that it's already Thanksgiving/time for me to see family. Part of me feels like it was just August/the start of the school year.

I might not be back on this forum until Sunday or Monday. I'm not taking my computer with me to see family and the forum doesn't always work the greatest on my phone, especially since some of my family lives in areas with bad cell reception. In case I don't get back on before Thanksgiving, I hope all who are celebrating will have a good time! And, if it's a tough time of year for you, I hope you are able to find some time this week to treat yourself and/or do some self care.