Bipolar Check-in #84

Shots shots shots! Was going crazy this morning because I was ready too early and didn't know what to do so I made tea and went for a walk to the top of the hill to watch the sun rise, and then when I started my car to leave it said it was 14F! it didn't feel that cool! I just had socks, underwear, sweats, and a long sleeve T on,

I was told to take trazodone everyyyy night. Even though if I take it before I sleep it doesn't help me fall asleep any faster and then I don't have any to take when I wake up... but because mayyybeeee I'll sleep through the night (yeah, dreaming of animals radiating themselves into oblivion!)

I'm glad I feel better in that I can WALK witout needing a nap, but now NOTHING Is fast enough and everyone is slowww and I'm so impatient! I WANT TO [redacated for anonymity] MYSELF! but regardless I remembered deodorant once I got back so mission a-flipping-complished

I emailed my therapist who messaged a colleauge who said that loss of appetite is absolultly a side effect of Prestiq. So that answers where that issue is coming from.

I looked at my Spotify wrapped today and as I assumed the song Team by Lorde was my top song. I listened to it 239 times since the start of January. Nothing in my wrap was a real suprise although I am suprised U2 is on there instead of Sam Smith or Pink.

I don't have any plans today. I'm just rewatching a season ot a TV show I saw a couple years ago.

All done with my MRI and labs. And my latte. I'm exhausted which is my normal reaction to stress. It seemed to go well although she said I won't get results until tomorrow which makes me a little anxious because I've always gotten them same day. But it is probably a staffing issue. I see my doctor tomorrow so I'm sure she'll go over it all with me. I just like having seen it before so I can ask questions if I have them.


The hotel staff are cleaning the room next to mine and once I know they are done I'm going to try to nap for a while. I was up and down during the night and then woke up much earlier than I needed to before my appointment. All nerves and it will probably repeat tonight. But hopefully tomorrow I'll get 6 months of freedom before my next round of tests.

So glad that is over.

Made a mistake of having two cups of coffee back to back after not having caffeine for a month. My caffeine tolerance went wayyyy down since I stopped drinking it a month ago. Bad idea. Paranoia started and felt on the verge of panic. Had to lay down and put an ice pack on the back of my neck and chest to get myself to calm down. I feel a little better now.

Anyway, I took a walk to the store today. It's cold. 20 degrees. But it felt good to get out. Not a fan of the ice on the ground though, gotta be careful to not slip and fall.

I slept last night, straight through till 7:30am. I fell asleep on my loveseat in my living room. I was gonna go in my room and lay on my bed but I didn't feel like it. So probably not the best quality sleep but at least I slept. Feel less manic

Now my chest muscles are sore too. I took a muscle relaxer. Let’s hope it helps and doesn’t cause urinary retention.

I’ve been way overspending. My new nail hobby has become an addiction.

I'm so sorry. I overspend too on just a variety of things and things I have duplicates of and too many books to ever read in a lifetime, going to Starbucks too often again (a habit I had broken for a LONG time and is creeping back). I did a LOT better with overspending when I was on lithium but got taken off it at my last hospitalization due to lithium toxicity. Though I don't know that it was true lithium toxicity. I had been throwing up uncontrollably for several hours by the time they did the blood draw, so of course I was dehydrated which peaked the lithium level way up.

Well, my newest cat, Sugarberry, has tapeworms! OMG! H & I were clueless until my daughter said she spotted something on the blanket on the bed. (Her eyes are obviously much better at seeing small things.) Vet didn't have an appt. but did prescribe a dewormer and said it should take care of the worms by the end of the week. Luckily, the dewormer was 1 topical application between the shoulder blades, so not as hard as giving a pill or liquid medication. And we are supposed to be diligent on giving all 4 of our cats Revolution for fleas to help prevent the tapeworm life cycle. They were supposed to have the flea med today, but we decided to wait a day to let the dewormer start on Sugarberry then give all 4 of them flea/parasite treatment tomorrow.

In the meantime, he has shred worms all over our bedding, the carpet, who knows. I can't really look close enough to see it all. I am washing H's & my bedsheets and blankets along with my daughters and blanketing on the couch, throws on chairs, etc. The cats all roam EVERYWHERE! I vacuumed the house very thoroughly and will probably repeat it in a day or two. I am exhausted!

I thought I got off lucky with a 2 day period last cycle. Well, surprise, surprise! Here comes my period again 8 days EARLY! WTF? I only have a 24 day cycle on average, and 8 days early from that makes what, 16 days between periods if my math is right!

My appointment went very well. The pdoc was chatter than usual for him. That was nice. I do like him but it’s nice to talk a bit more in depth. My scores improved since last time. And except for still mostly avoiding people I’m doing much better.

Stopped by the audiology dept and had my hearing aids cleaned. Now something is wrong with the left one, everything sounds wrong. I did join a group playing divorce today when I got back and everything sounded wrong, I couldn’t follow the conversation at all. So I’m gonna have to call tomorrow. Ugh I hate calling! But this can’t wait. I’d go in person instead but it’s very cold tomorrow. Ohhh yeah, I have to go out tomorrow anyway, I’m due at my daughter’s at noon. She wants to give me my birthday gift. I couldn’t travel last week because of my tyre.

I have to go to the DMV to get my ID renewed. I'm sure there won't be any issue since everything was changed legally in 2022. But I still worry about these things.

I have this weird *** headache. It started off this morning as these really sharp pains. I googled it and saw they were called ice pick headaches. I took tylenol and now I just have some dull achy stuff. Again I think headaches are a side effect of Prestiq. I drank some juice and I feel better.

I just finshed Christmas shopping for the kids. It wasnt too bad. Total it was about $80 for the 3 of them. They each got a toy and a little candy thing. I got my niece a box of sesame street cookies and my nephews got Kinder Eggs. I finished my brothers shopping too. Now I need to get gift cards for my sister and bil and something for my mom. I wish I knew of better places then Target and Amazon for gift cards but I always end up.getting them for there.

I feel so much better after the muscle relaxer. I even washed my hair!! Didn’t feel up to a whole shower.

I have a cold or something. It hit me out of nowhere. Just in case, I prepped my classroom for a sub if I decide to stay home sick tomorrow. This is the first time I've gotten sick this school year so I can't complain to much, especially since my roommate has been sick multiple times and I managed to stay healthy during all of those times. I'm not to surprised because there was some respiratory thing (not covid) going around the area I went to visit family and there is always the risk of exposure to illness on a plane.

Tonight, I am going to do my dishes, tidy up a tiny bit, and head to bed early. I'll wait until the morning to decide if I'm going to call in/take care of sub plans.

I'm really really anxious. I just ate a sandwhich and its not helping. I took my Geodon at 11PM last night, then my second one at 9AM. So I'm guessing its ok to take it a couple hours early instead of waiting until 11. I get so confused with my Gedon but I do try to keep it at 11PM and 11AM.

I have an equal amount so I have been taking them correctly just not always at the same times.

I'm really really desperate for some relief from this anxiety. I've already taken extra valium today. Maybe one more will be ok I have extras

So I cut off my hair yet again it was very emotional for me because it's the end of 4 months in psychosis. I'm going back on abilify shot at a higher dose. Tonight is my last night on my current AP. I'm scared. I have my pdocs email if anything and I only have to wait 2 weeks to see him again. He emailed my pcp for protein shakes.

First time using dipped powder to do my own mani and first time using tips. It’s not perfect but I had such joy in doing this myself. I found the glitter quite difficult to work with.

I had therapy today and I was already anxious and then I saw my old therapist in the waiting room and my coat was too tight under my hoodie. As soon as I got into my therapists office my non dairy iced matcha went into her garbage can.

I have this theory this one guy at Starbucks is putting stuff in my drinks. But no one believes me. But this was the first time I got sick in 2 days and he was there today. He knows me by name and stuff.

Anyways, therapy was very productive and I feel a lot better. We got a lot accomplished regarding my anxiety. And now that my jacket is off I feel better physically.

I stopped at some random gas station and they had mini packages of most stuffed Oreos. Those are amazing but so hard to find.

My anxiety sucks again. I've tried about everything I have. It just got bad out of the blue like yesterday or the day before. No clue why.

Sudden bad anxiety normally means I'm about to get a cold or something.

N3 quit his job at Taco Bell last week. Only one more week of class at the community college then he starts at U of M next month. He got a full ride scholarship because of his high grades at community college! That’s all the rest of his bachelors degree which is 5 semesters as he will be starting as a sophomore next month!

That's awesome moose.

I had a big blow out with Victoria. She was mad we couldn't go to the food bank yesterday and how I spend money. I bit back, but she worked on getting her own assistance. Which I've been trying to get her to do since August. She's talked to us more today then since we moved here. I have an appointment in January with my Dr to address my disordered eating. Therapy was rough today we addressed my social anxiety. We'll be addressing it more next week.

Things have been quiet. I got a bunch of chores done and even some cleaning. I ate junk but in surprising moderation. I had more than one protein shake for the first time in my life. I had two. I had several servings of veggies. So it was a relatively good day. One day at a time!

Saw my pdoc today. While there, I learned that risperiodone can cause diabetes. I didn't realize this is one of the reasons he orders bloodwork from time to time. This is the first time he has ordered some in awhile and, now that I know it can cause diabetes, I am slightly nervous. It has been very sporadic, but a few times I have had symptoms associated with diabetes. Each time, it never lasted long though. I'd think if risperidone was causing diabetes, the symptoms would be more consistent. We'll see I guess. Because of the hours of operation of where I have to go and my work schedule, it will be just over a week before I am able to go get the labs done though.

For the first time in two, plus years I am trying to go 6 weeks between appointments instead of 4. Fingers crossed it goes well!!

I saw the breast specialist today. My MRI is consistent which is excellent and my exam is as normal as exams get for me. Still not in menopause and without a uterus there's no way to know what the numbers mean until they are both clearly menopausal at the same time. So we wait on that.


I'm now home after some intense snow driving in the city. It wasn't that bad, just slushy but this was the first time I drove this car in the snow. It handled well. I got home just after dark which is good because I get very anxious driving after dark with deer after I hit one last year. Right now they are just plain stupid running from hunters so they are even more dangerous than usual.

All is well for 6 months!

In the ER. Feeling dizzy after my fall. On blood thinners. Blood pressure was really high.

I know how nerve wracking it is to drive after dark. I’ve come so close to hitting deer. It’s nerve wracking. Here now I live in town so I only have to worry about the interstate between my daughter’s home and here. But you’re right the deer are everywhere right now. Glad to hear your new car travels well in slush.

I spent 48 hours without using social media or the internet. I basically just played with my cat, read my books, listened to music, meditated, journaled, practiced ukulele , cleaned and did a lot of laundry. It was very peaceful and nice. I’m trying to be more mindful of my scrolling on social media like Facebook cause I’ll spend countless hours a day if I’m not careful. I just want a more balanced relationship with it. Also my screen time was concerning. Like my phone would say I’d be on it 12 plus hours a day every day. Sometimes a ton more like 16 hours. Which concerned me cause this has been going on for years and years and I think of all that time I could have been doing anything else other than staring at a screen and letting my life pass me by. So I took a 48 hour break from the internet and my phone and social media. I didn’t even watch tv during this time or text people. Just kind of stayed introspective. It helped my focus a ton and I had less anxiety. I also learned that boredom isn’t the end of the world and that I don’t have to distract myself with stimulating stuff 24/7 or freak the second I feel boredom and numb myself by watching shows or whatever scrolling etc for hours for cheap dopamine.

Anyway, it was a good experience. I’m still gonna use social media but it made me realize I need to be more present in my life too and create more balance between them. And every now and then I might do a 48 hour tech break even someday work my way up to a week occasionally without it. I think that’s healthy.

I also realized a lot of my overeating is done when I’m scrolling or binge watching shows. It’s like one bad habit is a trigger for another. Binge watch, eat junk. Scroll, eat junk. When I was doing this it didn’t binge eat or boredom eat, it just wasn’t as appealing as it is when I have entertainment with it lol. It’s just food outside of that when it’s not paired with an exciting activity like a good movie or show.