Bipolar Check-in #86

My stomach hurts like crazy. I went to take a shower at 3 this afternoon and then I was just yakking all afternoon until I fell asleep a couple of hours ago. I need to cool it with the OTC meds. Or else I've been working out too much because I'm losing weight. The weight loss could also be from the really strict diet. Idk. My stomach just hurts and I can't tell if its internal or muscular.

I took Tylenol and now I'm kinda hungry. But also tired.

I'm on twelve different meds (three are for physical stuff though). I'm afraid to find out how much they are without insurance! I'll have to figure it out. My panicked brain wants to start weaning off some of them now, but my husband was like, "NO!" because he said it would cost more if I ended up in the hospital. And he doesn't want me getting sick again.

I just don't understand how the musk was even able to get this position! It's like the orange one is just doing whatever he wants, and somehow it's perfectly fine?

I slept 3 hours yesterday morning and now it’s midnight and I went o sleep at 9 and I’m now wide awake! Does 988 do insomnia from not taking your meds?

I taught 4 classes today. Only one was impossible. Eventually landed up sending a naughty student out. Man he was relentless. He just carried on and on and on. Despite warnings, moving seats and giving him a 5 minute break outside. I tried to contact home but of course there was no answer and no option to leave a voicemail. Wonder if I should email home. I’ll check with coordinators tomorrow.

I texted with somebody from 988. First time. She or he encouraged me to tell my liver doctor’s nurse about my fears and questions about my liver biopsy next week. I’m concerned I’ll be aware of everything. I asked if fentanyl is like twilight sleep sedation. I’m also concerned about the results of course. I’m still wide awake. Being off my psych meds for four days has caught up to me.

I just realized that I see my therapist today. Maybe that will help although she always wants to talk about my dad. Ugh.

Been under a lot of stress lately. Developed a rash two days ago on my torso, went to the doctor today thinking "I mean there's no way it's anything.... but just to rule out something like Shingles..."... Well, it's shingles. I turn 34 this month. As of this time of writing-- it's tender to the touch but isn't exactly "painful". Apparently you CAN get Shingles without pain, that is a thing... but it is making me feel weird about it. Don't get me wrong-- I'm estatic that I'm not in excruciating pain! But very confused. It very much looks like shingles. It's linear positioning, its vesicles etc.... maybe we just caught it early.? Here's to hoping I go with no/mild pain.

I did have chicken pox as a child. I remember being covered. Mom said I only have one right in the middle of my forehead. If that is the case, maybe because my infection was "mild" then, this will be mild to?

I didn’t sleep well again. Only 5 hours. 4 nights in a row of 4-5 hours of sleep. Ugh. I typically feel my best at around 9 hours of sleep. It’s wild too. My Thorazine was increased and it’s one of the more really heavy duty old school APs and yet my sleep still sucks

Anyway, I’m facilitating the coffee event in my building today. Should be fun. I feel a little better mentally today.

One of my cats is currently unrolling a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom
😂 I think he’s a little bored. Later I’m gonna play with them with the laser pointer so they can get use some energy.

I have to walk to the store later to buy more cat food and toilet paper.

I spent like 30 minutes reading a little bit ago. Gonna try to read a lot more later. I love books

Other plans for today include meditation, cleaning my apartment , showering, playing some of my videogame.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. As a follow up to the Thorazine increase. It’s helping a lot with my paranoia/delusions and dissociation.

I slept 4 hours. My belly hurts which is concerning to me. I don’t think the chicken wings I ate around midnight were bad. I feel like what if this belly pain isn’t chicken wings but my liver. I don’t have any other signs of a bad liver besides the high liver enzymes. I just have this stomach ache. Maybe I’m still sleep deprived and that’s it. I don’t know.

I slept fine last night. From about 6 until 5 or so. I feel ok. I know my mom is going to want me to go out to lunch or something. Idk. I'm not depressed. Just 32 is blah at the moment. Plus nothing sounds good to eat.

@Blueberrybook I got these books today:

How to draw awesome stuff
How to draw cool stuff book 2
How to draw cool stuff book 3

By Catherine V Holmes

I also plan on getting the How to draw Cool Stuff book 1 and the Shading Technique one later this week as well

@Blue_Bird That is awesome! Out of all the drawing books, I think her books are the best ones. I got several others, and the only couple that are decent are 10-step drawing nature by Mary Woodin; that book has all color pictures, which is nice and Basic Drawing Made Easy by Christopher Hart. Still not as good as Catherine V. Holmes. Her 15-min drawing books are good too though I've only done one picture from the Nature 15 min. book, the elephant.

@Blitter2014:

Wow, you are a marvel! Thanks for the encouragement regarding writing from the heart. I think that is why my property manager was so warm, and loving in her last message, after i disclosed that i have hypergraphia due to disability.

Apparently, i sent them nineteen (19) emails on Sunday, and she was very gracious about explaining that this is an unmanageable amount on a weekend, when only emergency emails are responded to. She didn't say anything about being annoyed, or irritated, just that the volume of emails on a weekend day impeded their work.

I think she DOES have a good vibe from me, from all of my emails on the bodega project, so while neither project i tried to do with management were successful, i feel i have built relationships, and engendered good will.

I am so happy that my disclosure of disability was met with compassion, and sensitivity. The property manager said to let her know if i needed her support, and i am just so moved, as she is the owner/operator of a large property management corporation, and her voice sounds very young, and she is frenetically busy, so i feel respected that she took the time to respond to me in such a welcoming, supportive way, and invite further contact.

Not everyone responds to my hypergraphia this way. She is surely a gem compared to our other property managers, one of who was a crook, and the other just a living nightmare to deal with. So glad we have a compassionate, professional property management team at long last.

Yeah, i enjoy the power to make people laugh too. Laughter is the best medicine. It puts people at ease, and sets the tone for a good rapport. I found on the weekend i was too busy to observe pleasantries with building staff, and i'm sure that's what led to his belligerence, cussing me out. If i had only taken a moment to ask him how he was, the whole ugly incident could have been avoided.

I also note that it is a mistake to speak in my normal rapid-fire pace, except with young people, who are as quick as i am. I have to slow down to a snail's pace with neighbors who are seniors, and pantomime my words out, as they are often visually- and aurally-impaired. It's also necessary to pronounce words slowly, and clearly, as some of them assist themselves by focussing on my mouth and lip-reading. It's also important to do all of these methods with people whose first language is not English.

It's not much fun for me tho. It can be maddening, trying on my patience, and frustrating. I much prefer to associate with the quick youngsters who can keep up with me, but alas, they are so frenetically busy with doing advanced university degrees, and working to finance their education, that they simply don't have time for me.

So i end up associating with a lot of seniors who can be quite tiresome, in context, and content of communication, as a lot of them are Islamophobic, and just generally racist, and very backwards, and like to play Devil's Advocate a lot, and to struggle with me for power, as they feel entitled due to their being older than me.

So all this makes for a very unpleasant experience with my neighbors and i must resist engaging with them for my own health. I will sign up for more ZOOM social events with one of my IRL support groups right after this, as i am available in the daytime only now, due to doing light-deprivation therapy from 5:00pm to 7:00am, and that means NO SCREENS either. Still only got my typical three hours sleep last night, but feel fine, tho a daze does wash over me every twenty minutes or so.

Nice to meet you, Blitter2014. I look forward to getting to know you. What is the story behind your screen name?

I am so sorry for everyone going through tough times right now; it makes me feel almost guilty to report I'm pretty happy these days and quite stable. Even my anxiety levels have been low (though I don't read or watch any news as Trump, Elon Musk, Trumpie Republicans, the governor of Texas all make my blood pressure & anxiety shoot WAY up.)

I'm fixing to leave for my pdoc appt. I'm sure it will be pretty routine, just refills on meds. He's been pretty happy with how I'm doing of late (and so am I, truth be told).

I’m at the coffee event I’m facilitating. Hopefully the coffee I made is strong enough. Last time I made coffee for a large amount of people it was way too watery cause I was cautious with how much coffee I used because I didn’t want to overdo it for people. I like my coffee super strong. But there’s a lot of older people in the building so idk. I suck at measuring out the coffee for large amounts of people. There’s no measuring lines in this coffee maker you just kinda have to hope you have the right amount of coffee grounds for the amount of water you put in

"I can't pay for a hospital bill if I never get out!!"

I don't know if it's healthy, but I'm dealing with this with absurd grandiose fantasy of being in whatever that place was in Atlas Shrugged while the rest of the US fell apart due to values such that greed<pride<incompetence, and that greed was high to begin with, and I'm the Dagney that stays and watches it as long as I can. I don't really feel good about being so detached, like "yeah, I had no access to my money for a while and did fine. I'd do better than the rich a-holes up the hill who probably haven't even lived here long enough for a week (or two or three)- long power outage and couldn't survive without a backup generator or even a little one."
I wrote shyt and then the computer shut down...wow...what a coincidence... if you don''t hear from me, you know I was right

The coffee came out good 👍

So far today, I have gone to Walgreens for my birthday to get a new kind of dramamine because I got the wrong kind and it makes me anxious. I also got a new time release melatonin so I can hopefully stop efffing up my stomach, and some calamine lotion for an injection spot on my stomach that looks wonky and hurts and isn't healing.

Now I'm back at home binge watching Paramount+ and waiting for the dramamine to work.

We got Smoothie King. I ate about half of an acai bowl. I feel better from the dramamine.

Ohhh, yiii yi yi. The maintenance man was around, and I’m in my night clothes without my hearing aids.. so I don’t hear him knocking, and I didn’t see him until he is all most on top of me. My eyes were glued to my iPad! Wooo I jumped! I got a letter that he was coming but I forgot! We have a hud inspection in March and they want a one and done. They came a few weeks ago. The only thing for me is that a closet shelves can no longer be used so I had to move that. And I did. So he just looked and the shelves and left. But oh gosh! I jumped! I forgot!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Ohhh, yiii yi yi. The maintenance man was around, and I’m in my night clothes without my hearing aids.. so I don’t hear him knocking, and I didn’t see him until he is all most on top of me. My eyes were glued to my iPad! Wooo I jumped! I got a letter that he was coming but I forgot! We have a hud inspection in March and they want a one and done. They came a few weeks ago. The only thing for me is that a closet shelves can no longer be used so I had to move that. And I did. So he just looked and the shelves and left. But oh gosh! I jumped! I forgot!

Yikes! I would hate that! I had that happen once at our old apt. I heard the door, but I was in my PJs and in the bathroom when the maintenance man came in. We had problems with the AC not cooling (actually blowing in hot air, miserable in this climate), and we'd been waiting absolute AGES for him to finally deem to come by, so I didn't want to send him away, but H was at work, and yeah, it was awkward to say the least.

Feeling nervous for my naughty class today, in particular one student who is like a jumping jack. Can’t sit still. Can’t stay in his seat. Swears. Disruptive. Talks over the teacher. I almost know I will be sending him out today. I see he’s got an after school detention from another teacher. We’re all saying the same thing regarding his behaviour. It’s like he’s undiagnosed with something because his records don’t show ADHD.

I’ve got my really lovely class straight afterwards so I’ll have time to breathe. Phew.

@Blue_Bird
I found a very good picture in the 5 min Artist book that actually did take me 5 min to draw and was great for getting out aggression too which was the bird's nest with 2 eggs in it. The safety pin in that books was easy too, nice when you need fast gratification or are short on time (like I was as my pdoc was running behind about 45 min and it's 30 min driving there and back too). Was a bit agitated at the wait, but darn if drawing that bird's nest didn't help it! Safety pin would have turned out better using a ruler, but I'm not a huge fan of using rulers and compasses. Working on drawing a kingfisher bird but instructions are for oil pastels, and I don't have any of those, may have to order them. Also if you don't have a kneaded eraser, it's a good idea to get one; it is used all the time to add highlights. As for blending tools, I don't use anything expensive, mostly my fingers or a tissue or Q tip for smaller blending areas. You'd be surprised how much blending adds to you picture. I'm going looking for some oil pastels and better colored pencils instead of my daughter's Walmart 99 cent colored pencils she used for school; they break off at the tip completely all the time in the middle of using them.

And in fact, I'd encourage anyone with an aggression to let out a quick outlet via art to draw a bird's nest with an egg or two in it; not really hard, probably there may be instructions online.

So I'm putting a bubble around myself from the world for the next two years. I told my husband not to tell me anything. I'm avoiding ALL posts on Facebook regarding Trump or Musk, which means I'm going to have to ignore all posts from my husband's mom. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

I'm staying in my happy little bubble of ignorance. ☺️

I feel better already. My husband's mom is all doom and gloom and her posts really stress me out! So ignore them I shall.

I'm so proud of my daughter. She wrote a novel and it's written very well, especially considering how she's only 13! She's a much better writer than I was at her age! I love being a parent. It's so cool seeing things from the parental perspective. I love seeing her blossoming into a young adult. ❤️

@MuddyBoots

I read Atlas Shrugged when I was like fifteen, so I don't remember much about it really. I just remember it being a tough read. Maybe I should pick it up again.

Never have to pay for the hospital if they don't let you out.... lol. You're funny. NO NO NO. I've been to the state mental hospital. They're MEAN there!!! Serious meanies.

Why are they so mean in psych hospitals but nice in medical hospitals.

I think art is a great outlet as well Blueberrybook! I’m gonna work on some art later today after my appointment gonna try a drawing from one of those guidebooks