Bipolar Check-in #86

@June08 - I hope your lunch duty goes okay

@JaneOnceMore - Welcome back! I get hypergraphia too. It's like I feel there is so much I just "have" to say and I keep running on and on and on. Not just online but post-it notes all over the place, long and constant texting. I know it irritates people, and they don't understand what it's like at all!

@June08 - I'm so sorry about your insurance woes. I hope it will work out that you don't have to switch pdocs. Transitioning to a new pdoc is the pits, not the least because the good pdocs all tend to have long waiting lists as well.

I'm kinda worried my social secuirty and medicare will be cut and it will still be impossible for me to get a job. My meds are like $600-$800 each without insurance. Right now I'm not paying anything for them. My primary is free and specialists are $10. The ER is $140 a visit. I think immediate care is free when I get an endoscopy its like $220.

It wouldn't be good to lose it.

@Blueberrybook:

Yeah, it's wild about the hypergraphia. I send inappropriately long texts too. Then i get a five word reply, and think, "So what was the point of THAT???"

I took too much melatonin and now my stomach is really ****ed up.

It does ring some bells haha. I like doing things alone a lot because I can go fast when I want to go fast and sit and stare at a fungus for however long when I want, too

You do seem a lot more intense than last you were here. I know you said you've decided you're not truly bipolar, but do you think maybe your mood is a little elevated right now?

I don't want to do anything but fk shyt up today!!!

Just to give you an idea of how "out there" i have been with people, i'll tell you about an email i sent to a friend telling she was annoying, that her manner was irritating. It was a very personal insult i gave her, tho very honest.

I told her i didn't come thru slaughter, and walk thru fire without learning some life skills, and to quit interrogating me about every decision i made. I also let her know that her judging me for being fat was an injustice.

I am fat because DOCTORS made me that way. I was thin and athletic before i met a doctor who pumped me full of anti-psychotics, and ruined my body. She's with the American Food and Drug Administration now, which is plenty scary.

Every doctor who came after her has been so intimidated by her reputation that they just followed suit with the anti-psychotics. Bleep it all, i have NEVER been psychotic!!!

Like Bill Hicks, i am afraid i am waking up too late. He woke up and died young at 34. I am 58 and who knows how much time there is left? Longevity does not run in my family. It would be so ironic that just when i get healthy enough to enjoy life, death will come knocking. Well, at least i will go out with a bang!

I'm so ffuucckkiinngg sick of everyone implying that i am fat because i am not educated about nutrition, have no self-control, and have been fat my whole life. The fact of the matter is that i was thin, and athletic until i was 29, and met this negligent doctor. My X was wild about my aassss. Men thought i was sexy. Women were in awe of me. I was very pretty.

I'm also highly educated about nutrition from being a gymnast under the direction of a coach who was insistent that we all be as thin as possible. Probably partly why i am so ffuucckkeedd up about food now. I even had anorexia for a year which was encouraged by this gymnastics coach. She was pro-ana before it was even a thing.

I am outraged that just because i am fat now, people assume i have ALWAYS been fat. That i have NEVER been thin. It's so ffuucckkiinngg judgmental and disrespectful, and i told this friend that.

The next time i saw her, she was much better. I hate it that people think because they are older than me, they know more than me. I have suffered, and skated pretty close to dying. It's been a great teacher, tho not one i would have chosen voluntarily. I don't appreciate being talked down to and lectured at about how good tofu is for you from an omnivore who doesn't even eat tofu.

I just find the neurotypicals so disrespectful, and judgmental, i just get outraged when i try and associate with them. I guess the lesson is to stick to my own kind. I have to live in the world, it's not my responsibility to change the world, and i have no desire to do it. I just want a measure of peace in my soul.

@MuddyBoots:

Haha, staring at a fungus! I prefer to do things alone too, because then i can focus on the experience, and not always be worried about whether the other person is having a good time. I also like to go at my own pace. I refuse to go to art galleries with anyone, because i particularly like to study an intriguing work for a long time, and not bother with art that bores me.

Yeah, i do definitely have some mood disturbance, secondary to the Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). It's common for depression to be secondary to PGD, but unusual for hypomania to be secondary to PGD. I *do* feel very intense, and i hope it's not just temporary mood elevation due to hypomania... but that could well be the case. I guess just as long as no one dies again, i will be okay. But my dog is not doing well, and my one close neighbor isn't either, so grief, and depression may strike again.

I am beyond sick of only getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night every night. That’s 3 nights in a row now. I’m so tired and I’m paranoid and anxious and want to punch a hole in the wall. Every little noise is grating on my nerves and getting under my skin and it makes me want to yell to people to shut the **** up

I see the T tomorrow, I just took the two indicators tests. My anxiety is up but that thanks to the orange one and his oligarchy. I don’t know if I’m going to keep seeing her, my last appointment was three weeks ago. That’s too far apart to really settle in and have a sense of closeness that necessary for counseling. In the past when I was seeing Ts it was always one week apart. It doesn’t feel real.

I’m hoping a get a car spot soon. One guy got kicked out. So a spot opened up. Everyone was asking me if I got it. I wish, but I don’t think I’m next. Ohh it would be so nice though!

Still waiting for a call from my doctor about my test results but she said she’d only call if they were positive.

She sent the results to my portal. All tests negative. Guess I’ve just got a cold and lack of sleep.

i love my new Loar mandolin. Ive been practicing chord progression as I am new to this instrument. It sounds so lovely and is LOUD compared to my old one. it had a crooked neck and was missing the last fret on it. it was a cheap Savannah one. this Loar Honey Creek mandolin is ugh so pretty. i plan on taking lessons this summer. come on may! i wanna graduate!

@Blueberrybook and @JaneOnceMore Please embrace your style of communication, interpretation and language. Because I can tell you personally that it is just fantastic. Language is all about self-expression, about being heard, about conveying thoughts, feelings, intentions, dynamics, perceptions, events. plans, goals, aspirations, concerns, fears, challenges, conquests and victories. That's just the start. So for what purpose supress who you are? Those who it annoys, let it annoy them. You are unique and there is no right or wrong. There is no "correct" communication style. Oh how I love to speak with those who love to use language, self-expression and are wonderfully descriptive. Allowing words to flow as they come from the mind without feeling the need to edit and condense, allowing thoughts to be expressed in full without the need for segues, it's great. There are so many people that love this type of writing. To those that find it challenging, I am sure on many levels they still appreciate the level of self expression. It conveys warmth, honesty and trust. It evokes emotions and creates word pictures as one reads. It shows an open mind with nothing to hide because thoughts are expressed without gaps. Be your authentic selves, because showing integrity to ourselves is the first and primary key to self love and self acceptance.

I'm having a fantastmagorical day. It's 11:13 am. Found out yesterday that dang gone and done my tennis elbow by overdoing it with the shovel again moving gravel. .Oops. And hey, its awesome cause its not my back. I can still walk and God gave me another arm so I can rest this one. Sure it's fun picking up things, and oh so funny watching myself in the mirror endeavouring to brush my teeth with the opposite hand. I tell you I near choked on the brush last night from laughing as the toothpaste spilled out of my mouth. I looked like a guy who had put coke and menthols in his mouth. Whilst my teeth kind of ended up clean, the mirror, bench, sink and other associated areas (including clothing) required some attention. Too Funny. Off to get more scans today, looking forward to that because I have new jokes to share with people. Whenever I go out into public, I always have one or two short jokes to tell people. It not only breaks the ice, it ignites some of the most spectacular energy interchanges. There are few things better when in public than making a stranger genuinely laugh. The power to put a smile on someone else's face because of who I am, wow, it makes the heart glow.

It's nearing 100 today, the AC is working well, I have music playing in the background and have been having a play in games. Popped in to say hi to a few people, felt a connection, having a sing, have a cup of decaf in front of me and my meals for the week were just delivered. I mean, how cool. I reject the thoughts of my mind and substitute them with reality, which is I am loved from so many places.

Just like everyone here. You are loved.

im worried elon musk is gonna take away my sddi and i need that to buy groceries. i work part time and go to school. i dont make enough to live on. jsut enough for rent and groceries which we dont get assistance for. im worried about all my clients on ssdi and ssi and how this administration will affect them with their choices. and im worried ill lose ssdi before i can afford to. i had planned to take my board exams asap after graduation and getting full time work which id of course drop ssdi but im worried ill lose it beofre i graduate and wont be able to afford my meds which keep me stable enough to even go to school. this is scary. i do pay for my meds theyre not free but theyre not cheap and i cant afford risperdal without insurance.

i just wish our country had voted another way. eggs arent any cheaper either.

i pay for dr visits and its expensive even with my medicare its at least $50 a visit. $40 for therapy. i too am worried ill lose mine. i cant live on what i make part time and i cant work more bc i do practicum for school and its 20 hours a week too. im working 40 hours plus full time school as it is and cant afford to lose ssdi or ill not be able to pay rent or buy food. we dont get any assistance for those things and its alot of money. im scared too.

Today marks 4 months since my SSDI renewal was mailed in. I've not heard anything. I don't remember it ever taking more than 6 weeks to hear back from a short form renewal. I'm scared with all the craziness in the government that it will just be sitting somewhere and never be addressed. Or that somehow I'll be blamed for the delay. I just fear they'll do anything to remove benefits. I'm scared it will happen no matter what but as long as this is pending I feel less protected. And I wouldn't feel safe even if I had my approval.


If I lose benefits I don't know how I'll survive. I get sick thinking about it. I need to go to the social security office and see if they can give me an estimated date that I'll know by but that is so stressful too and they probably can't. And there's nothing to say that if my benefits are approved that the orange guy won't take them away.

I wish I wasn’t here. Living. I keep having thoughts lately like I wish I was dead. I feel like humanity is ****ed and the entire world is gonna end in nuclear war soon anyway so what’s the point. People are horrible anyway. I kinda wish that asteroid that has high a chance of hitting earth in 2032 comes sooner. Though it’s only city destroying and not planet destroying. I don’t believe there’s good in the world really. Not anymore. People are full of hatred. I hate myself anyway.

I'm pretty much fcked too if I lose my SSDI and Medicare, so I understand the fear you all are feeling. If they do start cutting people off there'll be an awful lot of extra homeless people roaming the streets. And a lot more of us will be getting sick again. But I doubt the orange one or the musk care about that.

On a happier note, I finally began my novel! 😊

I’m trying really hard to be positive but I can’t anymore, I hate the world, this planet is a mess. The pollution, the hatred, the wars, the violence. It’s so much ****. All of it sucks everywhere. And nothing is getting better it’s just getting worse. I’d be afraid to have kids in this world. I wouldn’t want them to grow up with this kind of world if there’s even one left then

Anyway, my vitamin D levels are up to 20. The last time they were tested they were 9 so I suppose that’s good. Though it’s the bare minimum. So I’ll still need to keep taking the supplements

I’m sorry you all I’m tired as hell from the past few days and stressed, I’m not trying to be depressing normally I’m the opposite of this

Thanks @Crazy Hitch Thankfully, the kids tend to pretty good during lunch. And, it's only 20 minutes.

Thanks @Blueberrybook. My pdoc is going to have someone at his office start looking into possible new pdocs.

Outside of learning my work is switching insurance companies, my day was pretty good. My pdoc appointment went fine-it's just hard to believe that, unless I get a new job that provides the same insurance that I have now, I only have a few appointments left with him. His out of pocket cost is $125 and I can't afford to pay that. I looked a little into the new insurance company and I think (key word is think) I'd be able to keep my pcp. I really hope so because she is also amazing.

With so many questions and worries going through my head, I will definitely be taking my prn of seroquel to help me sleep.

My medication is $5k a month. Victoria is $500+, and I have to figure out how much h's is tomorrow. I would have to switch. We would have to move in with family if SSI gets taken away. I'm more worried about Medicaid getting cut because without medication it's deadly for each of us in different ways. This is the reason I have to work despite being low functioning. I need to speed run my education though. I have to plan if something happens to housing. My dad says not to worry about it until it happens but I don't have that luxury.

My medication is over 18k a year without insurance. But I’m more worried about the orange one and his cult happy sidekick musk cutting funds for HUD and turning out thousands into the streets. Social Security and Medicare is protected in part by the very strong organization of senior citizens. Housing is less protected. What I can’t believe yet is that there’s not an organization uprising against him yet.