Bipolar Check-in #86

@Blueberrybook I've been slowly cutting back on caffeine and its giving me bad anxiety and these weird flu like symptoms. I had been drinking at least 5 cans a day if not more. Now I'm down to 2. So I am going down, just going down slowly.

And tbh, I was doing good when I was drinking 5 cans of soda a day. This caffeine withdrawel is a *****.

But I do seem to be throwing up less now.

I saw my psychiatrist. Went in expecting no med changes but he’s changed my PRN Thorazines to every day and he added klonopin. I mentioned that I was only sleeping 5 hours a night and he said that’s not good at all. And he also said you look anxious , I said I’m always anxious at appointments and he’s like no you look like you’re ready to bolt out of my office. He saw the note from my primary about the GI issues since they work in the same office and he said that they’re likely due to anxiety. He said my favorite patient is falling apart lol he also told me I need to see one of the backup clinicians for therapy since my therapist has been out for 2 months and won’t be back for awhile and I haven’t had therapy in all that time.

@LadyShadow - What a beautiful picture! You're rocking the gray! I too refuse to dye my hair, at least for the time being, LOL! But with blonde hair, the gray is not as noticeable as with darker hair. Both my younger sisters have brown hair, and the gray is much more noticeable than mine. I really hope to take after my maternal grandmother in regards to my hair color. She is 91, and still has more black hair than gray!

@Blue_Bird - Sorry your pdoc appt. may not have gone as well as you hoped. I too get a bit anxious at pdoc appts. He often remarks that I'm fidgety. I'm glad your doc took your sleep problems seriously and was proactive with it. I hope the med changes help you. Have you scheduled to see a backup T while yours is out?

Yes I called my the office when I got home today (they all work in the same office and left a message with my therapists supervisor who I believe is the backup clinician for my therapist according to what I was told and I left a message for her asking to see her or whoever they could get me in with.

My psychiatrist was insistent that I go across the hall directly after my appointment to their living room program which is like a drop in program where you can just go to a clinician immediately and also talk with peer counselors and stuff. But I didn’t think it was that urgent so I left/walked out after I scheduled my follow up with him and when I got home I called and left a message for that supervisor to set me up with a backup clinician till my therapist comes back.

He’s a really good psychiatrist. I like him a lot. He’s in his 60’s and is from Poland originally, has an accent. Very friendly. I wasn’t sure I’d connect to another psychiatrist after my one of 8 years left the practice I was devastated. She was so awesome. But I’ve been seeing this guy maybe a year now and he’s really a good psychiatrist and I’m happy to have another great one. Though he is very insistent and particular on certain things like no weed or edibles and wouldn’t sign my payee paperwork for me to become my own payee until I stopped vaping/taking edibles for a month lol but after a month of not doing that he did sign my paperwork and I’m my own payee now. and he still asks at every visit since then whether I’ve smoked/vaped or taken any edibles lol and he’s now insistent that I need therapy while my therapist is gone

We talked about the dissociation and that the Thorazine has helped a lot with that

I'm doing OK, just a little pain but otherwise alright.

I'm happy you love your new psychiatrist @Blue_Bird! When mine retired I originally thought I'd hate my current one, but she's actually turning out to be really cool so I'm happy too. 😊

Good morning threadies or afternoon or evening!

I’m having a great deal of trouble waking up. Will write later

@Blue_Bird - It's awesome you like your new pdoc. I, too was devastated when my pdoc of 10 years retired. She was an absolutely extraordinary pdoc. I doubt I'll ever find a pdoc as wonderful as she was, but my current pdoc is pretty darn close. And with all the crappy pdocs out there, I am very lucky to have him. Interesting that Thorazine seems to help with your dissociation. I get dissociation a lot too, often several times a week. But it has been better lately and not as severe; I wonder if it's because my mood overall has been better.

I've had a great morning so far. Pretty much the same as usual - power walk, shower, breakfast, reading with the SAD lamp. I had extremely good concentration reading this morning. I went to the pharmacy to pick up meds and got gas. I drew a long time this morning, close to 4 hr.! I drew 4 pictures, well drew 3 and colored the kingfisher from yesterday (2 are below, all are in my creative corner forum thread).

HUGS to all having a hard time right now. I have been so, so lucky to have this period of stability. I haven't felt this good since I can't even remember how long! It is amazing I went from the depths of the deepest despair, wanting to die to feeling so good. This time has shown me that yes, I CAN actually be happy and enjoy life, and it's something to hold onto when times get hard.

Good morning lovely people

I’m awake I guess and doing okay. My day off work. See a gp this morning for a script for my thyroid medicine then have blood tests for lithium. Going to my son’s swimming carnival at 12:00 then taking him to a psychologist at 3:00pm for an autism assessment …..

Will check in again later. Have a good one!

I'm about to call my GI and ask if he can raise my amitriptyline. My stomach med. Its originally used as an anti depressant and its helped me out with that too. So I'm hoping an increase will help with both this stomach stuff and depression. I also sent my endocronolgist a message asking him if he can check my vitamin D again. It was high then I got it under control but I think its low again. And I set up my annual with my primary for Monday. I just need to set up the eye exam. I have the news totally turned off today. My therapist says I'm good at getting things done.

I'm kinda thinking of this time as a second covid. Full of uncertainitys and worries. I'm nervous and freaked out yeah. But not downright terrified like I was during covid. I'm safe leaving my house anywhere I go and I never get questions or any strange looks from anyone of any age. So I do feel safe.

I called my GI and left a message. I feel like complete crap and I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry for anything or I'd eat something. My stomach just ****in hurts.

Ugh! I told my husband not to tell me anything, and he told me something this morning regarding the something he'd told me the other morning that freaked me out EVEN MORE!!!

Hey, they are already walking it back. If you mean the nonsense about the "Gaza Riviera".

I think the only reason Nethanyu was smiling was because he realized he was stuck there!

I’m a bit concerned. I got up at 10 to do laundry but ended up going back to bed. I didn’t get up until 2:30, thereabouts. It’s been really hard to get out of bed. Even if I’m not sleeping. I’ve been spending more and more time in bed just idling.

I idle more and more. It started off with staring at the wall or out the window now I just stay in bed with my eyes closed. I’m just turning out the outside world.

@Nammu - Is it everything going on in the world right now, or do you think it's depression too? Or maybe depression not helped by current news? When do you see your pdoc again? If you haven't had bloodwork done recently, it could always be something like a vitamin deficiency, thyroid issue, etc contributing as well.

I see my pdoc on March 4th. I think it’s a combo of many things. The political scene, grey, grey days on end and the cold. I just want to hibernate. I am low. Last time I donated blood my iron was just passable so I bought iron pills. But I only take one a week. Last time I had low iron my doctor ordered one a day then my iron went too high. But low vitamin D is a possibility, no sun for days on end. I have ever so many books to read but it’s hard. I re-read the same page or stare off blankly.

How do you know if your starting to get the flu or covid or sepsis or some shyt or if you have just completly lost it for no reason all of a sudden? My stomach hurts insanely badly right now and I just sent a weird message to my therapist which I never do, and I sent a message to my pdoc earlier saying my anxiety was up and what could I do about it. But I want to rip out my intestines right now because my stomach is like a code 12 bad. I haven't had anything bad to eat today and I didn't work out. I only took one dramamine, one pepcid, a couple pepto bismol tablets, and 2 Tylenol. Just fuk everything. Oh yeah and I took the reccomended melatonin.

What would happen if I just went to the ER because I didn't feel good? Like what would even they do. "Yeah, I have a stomach ache from something." I'm just going to have to wait until my GI calls back in the morning. I don't have a temp and my blood pressure is fine. I've hardly even gotten sick today either.

I just had some diarrhea. I've had it for a couple days. Sorry for the tmi. I do feel better though. So maybe it is a bug.

I really want to know what the eff is my problem. What can come on real suddenly like this?

I haven't been hungry for a few days but I didn't think it was a big deal. I haven't been snacking much and I'm skipping meals but its not really on purpose.

Im sick of this anxiety about the political climate here inthe US. its sickening. i saw my t tonight and it wasnt enough. i needed more than 50 mins. hes happy the hallucination are gone but worries about my stress level. such is life

I’m taking my son for his autism screening in a bit over an hour so I’m just here passing through to say hi. Irritated the pharmacy didn’t have my meds so I have to go back tomorrow to pick them up. I live in a small town so probably not too many people here on my thyroid meds. Had blood tests this morning. They had to draw from my hand because they had trouble finding one in my arm. They never get one out my arm. I’ve cooked my dinner in the air fryer already so I just need to heat it up. Chicken and then I’ll make an avocado salad to go with it. I’ve got a pesto salad to go with it if I’m super hungry. I’m looking forward to my dinner tonight!

I've actually felt pretty happy today-was enjoying things more than I normally do. Anxiety wants to worry about if I'm to happy/on my way to hypomania, but I'm trying to fight that and just enjoy it. I had two different people from the team evaluating my school stop in my classroom today, but they didn't stay long. I also have this cold that is going around my school. A lot of kids are home with sore throats. I hope it doesn't get to bad because, since my school is being evaluated, my boss said if we call in sick we have to get a doctor's note (we usually don't need one) and I don't need to pay for yet another appointment. I'd also feel bad taking up an appointment time slot just for a cold since the doctor can't do anything about that anyway.

I was able to get another nice walk in today. Tomorrow will be a rest day.

You know what @Nammu - I am going through the same exact thing! I am getting up yes, knowing I have to work, but going on my couch and just sleeping and idly laying there letting the whole day go by. I think I am depressed, and I know bipolar depression is the worst of the worst. It isn't even about grey days, (Tuesday was 76 degrees and sunny and I laid on the couch till 5pm), it's just that I haven't gotten over the loss of so many things. The loss of my boyfriend, the loss of both my jobs, even the loss of my friends, although I realize now in my depression, I was the one always reaching out and organizing things, and they have been half-butting it.

But I do have some good news, tomorrow is my interview, and I am really gearing up for it! Wish me luck! It should be almost 70 degrees too.

Hope everyone had a good Wednesday at least.

I’ve been reading about the goddesses and remembering my crone ness. I’ve really got to get back to nature. I found a goddess center in my town! Amazing! I need to check it out, it’s not far from here. There’s a retreat in Crete one of the places I’ve wanted to go. But I think it too soon to jump into a retreat until I reconnect with my center. I’ve lost me.

I have been lurking and although my primary diagnosis is bipolar 1, my main problem ris anxiety. My pdoc is wanting to take me off of 2 mgs of clonazapam. I was taken off 2 mgs of lorarazapam and the results were disastrous. I am going to be starting cbt for anxiety and work my butt off learning them.

I also have a son with very horrible mental illnesses. I have health problems as well.

I'm angry at my last therapist bc she DID not know how cbt worked. I had her as a therapist for 3 yrs and like every 6 months or so I would say, hey don't think this is working out and she would say unfortunately you can't change therapists here.

With her not knowing cbt I finally called and got a supervisor. I said my therapist just wasn't working out. And the supervisor said we'll you've been with, blah blah, blah blah ect. I said you must be thinking of someone else I've only had one therapist here. She said let me look into this and I'll get back in touch in the next couple of days. She called me back that day with a new therapist and put me on the schedule! When I had my last session with my old therapist and I asked her why she said that, her response was I think you misunderstood me. That's all she would say. I don't get it.

@lloveanimals25 - It is possible to get of clonazepam, but it has to be done slowly tapering. I was on 4mg clonazepam daily (had built up a tolerance over the years, hence the increased dosage), and I have been off clonazepam several years now, maybe 3, 4 years. Can you work with your pdoc and ask for a slow taper? That's what I did, 0.5 mg less here, 0.25 mg less there, at the end taking only 0.25 mg when absolutely necessary. I am on buspirone, propranolol and 0.25 mg Seroquel twice daily for anxiety still. Sometimes I still have very high anxiety and panic attacks, but I haven't been back on clonazepam (clonazepam was also causing me forgetfulness and an inability to read books, which I had enjoyed). Off clonazepam, I could suddenly read again and became less forgetful, so there is a definite plus. To help with sleep at night, I'm on hydroxyzine as well as Seroquel (though Seroquel is mainly to reduce mania for me). Sometimes I take melantonin and/or valerian to help with sleep. So it IS very possible to get off clonazepam even if you have panic disorder. And unplugging from both social media and especially from the news of late has helped my anxiety more than I even thought possible.

@Mountaindewed If you're not eating and taking so many OTC meds on an empty stomach (which you still are doing), you are making your stomach issues even worse. Drinking soda with caffeine def. doesn't help, especially on an empty stomach. You should get in to see your GI doc immediately and/or go to the ER. To me, that would be absolute misery. And being physically ill doesn't help your mental health any at all.

Good morning. I slept a lovely 9 hours after 5 nights of only 4-5 hours of sleep every night. We have a snowstorm today. Papi’s previous owner is coming up to visit today. She lives on the 1st floor. I’m on the 3rd. She’s 84. I love how much she loves him it’s so sweet. She loves talking to him over the phone. It’s so cute.

Anyway, I have the heat on now because I don’t want my apartment to be cold when she comes up, so it’s more comfortable for her. I tend to keep it around 69-70 degrees but I know she’s older and gets cold easier. I hope Mustachio behaves while she’s here. She can sometimes be mean especially around people she’s not used to. She still hissed at my sister whenever she visits. I might draw later. I’m going to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up the klonopin my psychiatrist prescribed. I’d prefer not to be on it but he insisted because of my anxiety being so severe. So I’ll be taking that twice a day. Morning and night. 0.5mg twice a day. I used to be on it several years ago. I was on it PRN but I rarely ever used it because I was cautious about it. One bottle would last me like 6 months sometimes a lot longer.

I’m so tired right now from my morning meds I’m trying not to fall asleep.

My friend is sending me some watercolor painting supplies so I’m gonna start learning how to paint with watercolors soon