Bipolar Check-in #86

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Originally Posted by Iloveanimals25 Thank you so much for the comforting post. I've just got to be brave. And not think it will be like last time where I was having 4-5 hour long panic attacks. And I'm only on 2 mgs of it, I CAN DO IT! I know I'm being dramatic. Lol.

I used to get awful cycles of extremely high anxiety, panic attack, anxiety, panic, anxiety/panic, etc. that would last 3 or 4 hours. They have happened to me off benzos, but lately, I haven't had nearly as many of those as I had ON benzos! The last time it happened to me was probably 5-6 months ago. The smaller panic attacks and anxiety I still do have from time to time but less often than in the past, and these really decreased with unplugging from the news which I did around the end of November (current events still stress me, but I am not reading anything and asked my husband not to discuss news and politics especially with me as it is just not worth it).

Yes I’ve got a couple kneaded erasers , got a like 3 different types of erasers

Hi all

I'm at work but I have a free period. I'm SO glad I f inished off designing an assessment task for my Year 8s. They have to come up with a Business Plan for a Social Enterprise and I've been stuck on it for days. I finally finished it and created a rubric too so it's easy to mark. I don't say it's a "perfect" piece of work but I've emailed it to my colleagues and asked for feedback. But at least it's done! Now I have one more class left for the rest of the day and they should be easy. They're my GOOD year 7 class and they're creating a map of a fictitious town using BOLTSS. Easy enough I'm just guiding them in their creativity.

Another low key day for me. My energy levels were a little better today so I've been able to make it through the super bowl, but I still had to just sit around a lot to rest up for the work week. I did make it to Mass, but POTs decided I needed to leave early. We'll see how going back to work tomorrow goes. We're playing a review game in one of my subjects and they are presenting in the other subject. I want to try to go to a meeting at my church tomorrow, if I'm feeling up to it.

Football game is officially over as I type this-off to bed I go! I hope everyone is able to get the sleep they need!

The Coq10 is causing some sleep issues. I've taken melatonin yet I'm not tired. I'm not hungry either and the soup I had 6 hours ago stayed down. I'm watching some game show called The Floor.

And I an so constipated. I've taken like 6 colace tonight and drank 4 bottles of water. Please don't lecture me about the OTC meds or anything else. You don't know what I'm going through with my stomach stuff. I have reasons for the things I do.

You have been incredibly helpful in easing my anxiety. I just want you to know that. My anxiety right now is so bad I haven't drove since about August. I have almost bone on bone on my knees and really bad back pain since I had back surgery. That happened a long time ago, but I had a psychotic break and was put on seroquel and just kind of gave up on life bc I was so embarrassed that I lost my sanity.

I live with a lot of shame and am very embarrassed by how I look. But I was told about a different caregiving company and I have a new caregiver that is like I will help you you. I will advocate for you. We will get you healthy and moving again. Right now we're working on decluttering my apartment. I'm not a hoarder, but I have so many clothes to go through bc I've been so many sizes.

Anyway. Thank you for easing my mind. 😊

Had severe anxiety and panic attacks last night. I somehow managed to go to sleep. Today I picked up my new klonopin prescription. I used to be on it a few years ago and it helped so hopefully it does again this time. It was my psychiatrists idea for me to go back on it because he can tell how bad my anxiety has been. I felt really paranoid last night too. Felt like my meds were poisoning me.

Anyway, while I was at the pharmacy I picked up this new cute cat tumbler

The water color supplies my friend mailed me should be here today or tomorrow

Anyway, I feel a little better today. I ordered pizza last night and have leftovers for today.

I'm doing good today. I was tired but I woke up the more I moved around. I saw my primary doctor. I lost 4 pounds since I was last there for my endocronolgist appointment late last month. He said my blood pressure and heart rate are a bit high but its not a big deal and if I contiune to lose weight it won't turn into an issue. So my therapist can shove it with her issues with me losing weight. I need to get blood work done but I'll get it done on Wednesday because I need to fast.

After that I came home and set up an eye doctor appointment so I can get contacts. I see them on Wednesday. I have a dentist appointment tommorow, then the eye doctor and kidney doctor on Wednesday, then therapy on Thursday.

Right now I'm just hanging out watching TV. The 2 hoodies I ordered with the gift card I got for my birthday are coming today.

Tuesday morning. May it be kind to me. I teach 4 classes back to back with just a small break in between. I’ve got my tricky class today and they will be note taking via power point. Yesterday my good class didn’t do so well with the power point. Hopefully today goes better. I’m not sure ……

The water color painting supplies my friend mailed me came today also came with plenty of canvas and water color paper

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird The water color painting supplies my friend mailed me came today also came with plenty of canvas and water color paper

Those look awesome! And it's nice you have canvas & water color paper as well. I'm sure you'll have fun with it

Ugh, what a day. I didn't get great sleep last night. Late afternoon yesterday, I started having period cramps, but awful ones. These had a painful twinge followed by cramp and felt just exactly like when I went into the beginning of labor with my daughter. But it was worse because the beginning period of labor had the cramping 10-15 min. apart whereas last night I was cramping with those twinges at the start every 20-30 SECONDS. OMG! I knew Tylenol wouldn't help so I took a couple of Advil, which I don't take much at all because of my ulcer issues. But this was pretty awful. The Advil helped some, not a lot, and I finally fell asleep around 11 PM. Then, starting at 2 AM my cat Pecan started jumping and walking all over me trying to get me up to feed her and I kept waking up again and again until 4 AM I was awake, lay in bed half an hour and finally got up because Pecan was still going at it; she'd settle some then get up walk all over me, settle, back walking on me, lying on my with her tail in my face. So I was up at 4:30 AM. Yawn.

I still took my power walk hoping it would energize me, not really. I did the usual routine, started drawing, and then the refrigerator started making this awful noise. I got H up, and then freezer fan had frozen because I'd overpacked the freezer. I knew I had; when I got the new refrigerator it was smaller than the old one and I'm not used to having so little freezer room. I had to remove everything from the freezer, and H had to remove the back cover and start thawing the ice back there with my blow dryer. We had to do this on the old fridge a lot, but this new fridge has an awful design back there, and H couldn't remove the back cover entirely without removing the ice maker too, so I had to hold it up while he was defrosting with the blow dryer. It took 30-40 minutes to get that done then I had to repack the freezer. Now we've got to eat stuff from there and not replace it so air can circulate back there. I feel bad; it's my fault. If I weren't so bad about overbuying groceries and actually using what we have first, that wouldn't have happened. I suck at managing money. Having this happen right on top of the washing machine malfunction was a lot.

I put the 3 pictures I drew in the Creative Corner Forum. I hope for a calmer afternoon and that I sleep better tonight.

@JaneOnceMore - How are you doing? Are you feeling any better about the dinner party? I'm sorry your friends couldn't make it, and I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I also wanted to make sure I didn't hurt your feelings with my last post to you; sorry if it was a bit harsh; I was just wanting you to feel better about trying to find the common ground and the link you have with the rest of humanity. And you are doing so wonderful, having friends, making them food, visiting, having dinner parties. I'm in awe of all that you accomplish! You are a dynamo!

Oh my goodness. I'm so tired I went to brew a cup of coffee, and when I went to the coffeemaker to start my coffee I saw I already had a brewed cup of coffee sitting there that I completely forgot I'd just made probably about 10 minutes ago based on how warm the coffee was. I hope I get some better ZZZ's tonight. My brain is on the fritz!

Omg. I changed my septum ring on my own, (had to stab around to find the holes because I can't see them!) and the new ring was bothering my nose so much! Went to the piercer today, bought a ring from her, and when she put it in it was like instant relief!!!! Cost $40, but it has black gemstones and blue opals, and I guess sometimes you just have to pay for quality. I'm never buying rings online again!

I've completely bubbled myself. Blocked everything political on my Facebook (including blocking my husband's mom... because she's just so negative about things! All doom and gloom and her posts really stress me out!).

So now all I see are posts from groups I'm in. Sleep Token stuff, writer stuff, schizoaffective/bipolar stuff, piercing stuff. It's great! I've totally safe guarded my Facebook page! 😊

Got a wonderful visit from the evil being last night. It was terrifying. I think it happened because I didn't take my seroquel before bed because the CVS website said I couldn't get a refill of it until Friday and I was going to run out, so I was kinda freaking out. I thought I'd be fine. Luckily they're filling my prescription right now. Whew! I took half of one with my afternoon anti-anxiety pills, took a nap, and now I feel MUCH better. If the evil being visits me tonight again I may need to tell my therapist. 😞

@Blueberrybook

I get period cramps really bad too. So bad the pain makes me nauseous sometimes. 🤢 I think that's why I just found being in labor incredibly uncomfortable. I hope yours have gone away! 🙏

Well I pulled myself out of the hole I was in. Took a shower,…much needed. Put my laundry away. Thankfully I did that yesterday because today, ugh. No sleep. I mentioned that my insurance company won’t pay for my ambien. The good RX only pays for 30 and I take 45.

So yesterday I filled the box with 1 mg instead of 1.5. Didn’t sleep at all. Was up at 5:30 looking to watch tv but there’s nothing on. Went back to bed and just laid there. My back and neck hurt so bad from not sleeping.

I pushed myself to go downstairs cause it’s been a while. They asked where I’ve been hiding! A clue I need to get out more. There bingo tonight but eh. I’m not big on bingo.

I’m thinking of adding an extra 25 Thorazine to see if that works, but that usually knocks me out into the afternoon. So that’s not a good solution. I guess it’s good I’m tired not wired. Not sleeping and getting wired is the danger zone.

See the pdoc in 29 days. Just gotta last until then.

I fell asleep last night around midnight and I woke up at about 5:30AM. So I just woke up from an almost 3 hour nap. I need to figure out dinner. Probably just a bowl of the soup we made last night. I'm not very hungry. My mom is at the eye doctors and will be getting her eyes dillated so I'll heat up her a bowl too when she gets back since she won't be able to see. My stomach has been fine for 2 days but thats literally the point of this whole cycyclic thing I have.

Well dang fangle my mood if it hasn't bounced back to a place where the eagles fly!! YAAAY! Not a lot of sleep last night, feeling great and someone was very generous to me which has simply elated my mood and faith in da human race. Which was already great. I mean, everyone has best of intentions, everyone is doing their best with what they have. And, life is happening FOR me not TO me. So life, what have we in store today? Well, I've been for a walk with Treacle, changed the sheets, had fun in games, been down the hardware store, had breakfast, ooh, even brushed my hair so as not to attract any wild animals and, nope, err, best I be brushing my teeth.

To everyone above, YAY for jumping on here, sharing and caring. Love that people are getting off the social media, think that's awesome. Sorry for those with pains and aches that come with being of the female orientation. Men kind of get it easy in that department unless they play cricket really lousy. Or are teaching their kids baseball. Well done to everyone who got up, who faced their challenges, who pushed through the pain, who loved themselves enough to allow life and their bodies to do what they needed to do..

Have I mentioned yet today that you are all super, fantastic, awesome, sensational, magical, wonderful, yumy, gorgeous, beauiful and just dang fanged cool humans!!!!

Today i went in two ZOOM events put on by my IRL support groups. They were totally pleasant, except for two bad apples who just want to complain and draw attention to their problems which we've supported them thru their problems several times already. I'm sorry, i am not a bottomless well of support, and i can't hear about your intense anxiety, and your vacuuming up support for your minor surgery yet one more time. This woman just wants to talk and talk and talk about herself, and never listen, or have curiosity about others, or offer a kind word to another. A narcissist. BORING!!! Tiresome, frustrating, a waste of time.

The other woman was just unacceptable, telling me not to ask questions, telling me what to do, using "YOU" statements, and "SHOULD" statements, and complaining when i got angry that she was violating the Code of Conduct. I know she's got intellectual issues, but still, i won't allow her to attack me that way, and no help from the facilitator offered. Fine. I took care of it myself, and now NO ONE knows to mess with me, because i've been attending the orgs for twenty and thirty years and know the Codes of Conduct backwards and forwards. This person would be better off going and coloring, or watching game shows. She is not smart enough to participate in a social support group activity. Why the facilitator didn't take my part, i don't know. The groups are not moderated well, and it seems it is up to me to defend myself and enforce the Codes of Conduct, and that's NOT my role as a participant.

So, it was a very mixed experience even among the neurodivergent. Beginning to think all human interaction is not worthwhile. Tired of having to constantly defend myself from people who are judgmental, entitled, stupid, etc. I don't know. Maybe at this point in my life i am just too experienced, and educated to tolerate the average person. I had fun with some of the men in the group, but the women were mostly dumb as a sack of hammers.

About the only person i can stand is late artist (comedian) Bill Hicks. I listen to his comedy, and think, well at least there once lived a human being who thinks as i, who feels as i. He's no longer with us, but maybe there are others like him out there. The problem is, people who are powerful usually have their time filled by their late fifties.

It seems the only solution is to be alone. My dog is worth it. I ordered a PlayStation that'll arrive tomorrow. One of the guys in my ZOOM support group is a big Diablo player, so hopefully he can help me get started gaming, and that'll be another solo activity along with cooking that i can do at home, and stop wasting my time trying to connect with people.

I'm somehow both still alive and not in the hospital. Been doing some studying. French, math, environmental science, and music theory mostly. Been doing A LOT of shoveling. They just showed on the news that out of the 10 days of February, it's snowed here all except one day (not that it's always accumulated though).

Honestly, feel like absolute poo. I fell asleep after 1am and got up at about 5am. Day before I was up at quarter before 4am.

@Blueberrybook I'm very happy to listen to ANY problems you might want to talk about. Just so you know.

@Mountaindewed I've been there. For what it's worth I found a combination of Miralax, colace and sometimes senna worked better than a huge dose of any of these. I'm not recommending this because I did have a doctor's permission but asking about this might be worthwhile. If it's an ongoing problem I found the prescription med Amitiza to be a lifesaver.

Thank you @BeyondtheRainbow. Sometimes when it rains it pours. I'll do better if I get better sleep tonight.

I got some Philps from Walgreens and I took the reccomended 60 mil cup. At least I don't have stomach cramps anymore at least. Idk I think with Philps it just takes time. I've gotten desperate before and taken too much and then I've been in the bathroom all day.