Bipolar Check-in #86

Thanks for all the loving support, guys. I am just too hurt by all of the rejection from the neurotypicals to address each post separately. I just have the general feeling that you people here *DO* understand, and *DO* care. And most importantly, that i *DO NOT* have to open my wallet to get your interest, time, effort, and compassion. It's a critical lesson for me to learn.

I MUST STOP CASTING MY PEARLS BEFORE SWINE!

I cannot continue to share my joy with people who just seek to crush it, and crush me. The neurotypicals are a bad investment. I wouldn't make such a decision with my money.

Why am i making bad investments socially, emotionally, and spiritually? I am empty, and depleted, after just six weeks of trying to get things done with the neurotypicals. It is just not possible. They DO NOT WANT my help, and i am tired of offering it, just to be rejected time and again.

Unaluna, thanks for seeing the humor in my dinner party debacle. Indeed, "What comes first, the friends, or the dinner party?" I think i've learned the hard way, that it's the friends.

I've had good interactions with everyone i invited tho. They've all helped me out time and again, and i wanted to thank them, the only way i can, by entertaining them, and spoiling them, and feeding them delicious home-cooked creations.

But they don't want that. A few were gracious in giving me their "regretfully decline," and thanked me for the invite, and said it was nice of me to think of them. So perhaps i did pay them back for their help in the past, merely by OFFERING to have them over for a luncheon... ???

I don't care for the people who were terse in their refusal, but the few who were gracious -- i feel they were sincerely flattered to even be invited to my home for a luncheon, and genuinely sorry that they couldn't make it.

So the whole debacle was worthwhile in that way. Sure, maybe i did NOT in fact get to entertain, and spoil them, but they were offered the opportunity, and it's on them that they couldn't take me up on it.

I mean, it was on a statutory holiday, a luncheon (so they could still carry on other activities thru the day, if desired), and i made it clear that they could dine-and-dash if they had a busy day planned, or linger as long as they liked, if so desired.

My point is this, i guess: i made the gesture of inviting them. I guess i will have to be satisfied that that is all the thanks they need for helping me out in the past.

I'm sorry that my grand plans came to naught, but i can only lead a horse to water. I can't make her drink!

And there may be luncheons in the future, once i've established closer relationships with people, and time it better so as not to conflict with statutory holiday plans. Or even dinner parties! All is not lost. I have learned, as a hostess, and reality-testing is always a good thing!

I accidently posted this in the wrong thread

I skipped dinner. I went into the kitchen to say hello to my family and my mom said "Are you ok? You look like your about your about to throw up or fall over." And my sister said "yeah." So I went back to bed where I napped until my mom woke me up for an angel food birthday cake.

They got me a Dicks Sporting Goods gift card and 6 bottles of craft sodas. One of the flavors is peanut butter and jelly. I bought a North Face hoodie and a Patagonia hoodie and I only needed to spend $11 of my own money.

I'm trying to get back to sleep now but I'm kinda hungry from not eating much in awhile so I'm eating some strawberry teddy grahams.

Doing OK, just wanted to check in.

Heading to my volunteer shift with the cat rescue in a few minutes

What did they say about your side pain?

I ended up not going to the ER because I was worried I was overreacting. I started thinking about it and I fell the day before on ice and also carried something too heavy for me that same day too right before the day I woke up in pain so I’m wondering if it had something to do with that like maybe I twisted my back some when I fell or pulled something when carrying that huge/super heavy package upstairs. I woke up today and it has improved a lot

I also didn’t want to be in the ER on Super Bowl weekend because I feel like they’re busy on weekends especially when there’s like partying going on

I’m not really in the mood to go to my volunteer shift today. Mainly because I’m tired and I don’t feel like taking the bus and going out in all this snow. But I already committed to it so I’ll go

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I haven't read all the previous posts, will go back and do it later. @JaneOnceMore I did want to say it may be more helpful to try to stop categorizing people as "neurotypicals" vs. yourself. You put that distinction there very clearly, and then you have a clear boundary/separation from others from the get-go. And it is easy to categorize people on the outside to separate yourself from them, but honestly you have to consider, "Do you really KNOW they are neurotypical?" People hide and mask mental illness because there is still a stigma attached to it. Or maybe some neurotypical is having a bad day or has fallen into depression or is stressed. People have all sorts of problems, neurotypical or not. Everyone can be stressed out. Anyone could be shy. Anyone could be an introvert. Someone may have ADHD and you don't know it because their medication is helping. There are people who are not exactly autistic but on the borderline; I know this very well because this is my daughter's case, and life is harder for her than a lot of teenagers on that level, but on the other hand, she lives with both parents who love her very much, and there are a lot of kids living in split parent housing, abusive situations, etc. where it may not show on the outside but is eating them up on the inside. Relationship problems happen to neurotypical people too.

Anyone to wrap up a long post, we are all PEOPLE, and it seems to me it would be helpful not to draw a line between yourself and the rest of the human race. All people are unique. Most people struggle with problems, everyone has hard times in their life - money issues, loss of loved ones, etc. So while you may be struggling with some issues in life, there may be other life instances where for the moment, you are better off than the person you are interacting with and maybe they'd really love to be in your shoes in regards to that.

Sorry for the rant. It's just my take on the subject. I'm not a specialist in human interaction and actually hardly interact socially with anyone at all and am only comfortable with some of my closest family. But I do feel trying to draw that line every time does more harm than good. Rant over.

As for myself, it's been a busy morning. Pilates, shower, reading with the SAD lamp, grocery pickup, putting away all the groceries. Then, I did some prep for the jambalaya I plan to make for dinner tonight--sauteed sausage, browned chicken, diced onion & pepper, minced garlic, chopped parsley. I often find doing some meal prep earlier in the day for dinner helps me stay on track and feel less overwhelmed when I am cooking a new recipe and/or more involved recipe for dinner. Afterwards, I drew some, but ugh, I spent forever on a dragonfly that didn't really turn out and drew a quick ice cream cone to console myself Both pics in the Creative Corner.

Time for lunch, and then I'll probably read some this afternoon and catch up on MSF. Hope everyone has a great Sunday!

@Blueberrybook I got the shading technique book by Catherine V Holmes yesterday! Now I’m just waiting for my watercolor supplies. They should arrive tomorrow or Tuesday.

@iloveanimals I was on clonazepam for over 10 years. I was on 4 mg and tapered completely off and have been off for several years. My pdoc did a slow taper, at first 0.5 mg at a time, after I got down to 3 mg, 0.25 mg at a time. By the end, I was on 0.25 mg and at that point, I started taking it every other day, then only as absolutely needed. It was not an easy or quick process. It took over a year to wean off completely. And I am on some non-benzos for anxiety - buspirone, propranolol, Seroquel.

@LadyShadow I'm so sorry you are hurting. You have been through so much lately, my heart aches for you. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

Thanks so much for the support you guys. Still feel a bit blue, but I am at my parents' house today, and I have to really Thank God for my blessings and stop wallowing in all my crap. Maybe I need to change up my apartment or clean it up a bit better so I don't feel so hopeless.

I appreciate you so much @Blueberrybook and @Nammu for mentioning me. I wish my heart wasn't so heavy, and I didn't feel so worthless. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Oh, thank goodness! The carpet cleaner vacuum H ordered after this last flooding incident has been delivered. The carpet is really smelling now where it flooded the other day. Worse, the chemical plants nearby are releasing a sickly sweet smell into the air that is also seeping into the house. It often stinks some from the chemical plants, but some days are especially bad. Between the carpet and the chemical plants, I'm pretty nauseous today.

H was gaming late last night and is still getting ready. He'll have to bring the vacuum thing inside; it's in a large, heavy box. Hopefully, he'll set it up and figure out how it works; H is much better at that sort of thing than I am. I really hope maybe at least getting the carpet smelling better will help with this nausea.

I drew a bit more

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird @Blueberrybook I got the shading technique book by Catherine V Holmes yesterday! Now I’m just waiting for my watercolor supplies. They should arrive tomorrow or Tuesday.

Awesome! Do you have a kneaded eraser as well? It's very useful for adding and/or emphasizing highlights.

I don't really understand shading all that well...I just try to make my picture look as close to the example image as I can by using lighter and harder pressure on the pencil

I’m really trying to push myself into the shower. I really need one. I should’ve done it yesterday. Today I got up then when back to bed. I don’t know why I do that, once I’m up I can’t get back to sleep. But it was nice laying under the covers, nice and warm. It’s only 68 in here today. Today is my day off only two things to accomplish, a shower and my meds into their box. It’s 3pm and I haven’t even had breakfast yet. Did have my chai. I’m really low. Books to be read, mail to be put away, coats to be hung. Blah., bah humbug.

@Nammu Showering regularly is one good thing about living in southeast Texas, LOL. It's so hot and humid here most of the time (even today it's 80F and humid), you have to shower every day or you just feel SO gross. H told me when he first moved to Houston from the L.A. area he couldn't believe hot awful the heat and humidity was; he felt like showering 3 or 4 times a day!

Got my shower!

Pills are on the table.

Ready to go back to bed.

I felt really dizzy and tired this morning until I took an hour or so nap around 11. I woke up feeling much better. I got a load of laundry done and I'm waiting for the superbowl to start. I like the commercials. My anxiety was a bit bad until I ate a bowl of bland turkey soup for dinner. I see my primary doctor tommorow. My B2 vitamin should be here in a bit. I heard its best to take it at night although it doesn't really matter.

Yeah, when I went into the hospital bc nothing would help me sleep. I was taking 40 mgs of zyprexa and still couldn't sleep. Not Dr approved just on my own he put me back on clonazapam. I hadn't even met with him. So I told the staff can I meet with him and finally did. He was like you young lady were in a mixed episode for probably a year or so. Oh they also when I first was told I needed to be admitted gave me 30 MG of zyprexa thinking it would help with my panic and insomnia and it didn't. So I didn't want to be admitted and they put me on a 51/50. I couldn't leave. Other than being put back on a benzo again it was the best thing.

I'm really sorry you're stuck on them again. And I'm sorry you were ripped off them like that. That's just plain out cruel!

Thank you so much for the comforting post. I've just got to be brave. And not think it will be like last time where I was having 4-5 hour long panic attacks. And I'm only on 2 mgs of it, I CAN DO IT! I know I'm being dramatic. Lol.

I really like it! I love eagles and all animals.