Bipolar Check-in #86

I took all our money and bought food that I could eat on my own. I feel incredibly guilty about it but I was incredibly angry at the time. My anxiety is so high I'm not getting out of bed. I'm just waiting until each night when I can sleep. I'm non functional lately. My heads getting loud. I would start school but my computer is broken and I have to spend money on classes. I'm getting *****y because my husband gets everything and I tend to have to wait. I don't know what else to say 10 days until we're homeless. No answers, no responses to emails or calls. I'm going to loose everything just because I wanted to be able to shower on my own.

Hoping to do some painting tomorrow. Didn’t do any today. I mean it’s only 8pm I could still paint if I want to. I’d just have to come up with something to paint. I’m gonna try to find some inspiration.

My mood was swinging a bit earlier but I think that was related to the blood sugar too because my mood is mostly stable most of the time now with my meds. It was just some irritability and feeling like crying. But yeah definitely likely related to blood sugar. I was wondering why I was in such a bad mood this evening and I didn’t correlate it until after the shakiness and whatnot hit me from not eating properly. Not fun. Gotta make sure I eat

@Nammu it's great you were able to get a good night's sleep! I hope this continues for you.

@Blue_Bird always love the cat photos! Thanks!

@Crazy Hitch I'm so glad the parent you contacted was supportive! It's really hard when they're not.

@Blueberrybook I hope your banana bread turned out despite the power issues!

Thanks so much @June08!

Only one lesson left to teach for the day

Between receiving my hydration fluids this weekend and having a few days of seroquel in me, I feel like a whole new person. I was more focused and productive at work than I have been in at least a month. It was also much easier for me to socialize with my coworkers. And, today, I was able to go on the longest I've been on since I first got sick back in Nov. of 2023. It's so nice! I am reminding myself to take things one day at a time though to make sure I don't take on more than I should-a slow and steady wins the race pace is still what I need for getting stronger.

There was a situation that came up at school today involving one of my homeroom students. I learned about it after school in an email from the child's mom who is, understandably so, upset. Tomorrow, I need to talk with another teacher about what happened so I have heard everyone's side of the story. But, it seems to be both the teachers who were in the room and the student were all a little at fault with what happened. Hopefully, this won't blow up into something big.

I had painting class tonight. Gouache painting. It’s a new medium for me and it was hard. There’s three more classes to get used to the medium. Tonight was just making samples and getting used to the medium. Then we did the background on three pictures that we paint Thursday. They are just practicing mini pictures. We get a box of gouache paints to take home on the last day of class.

Very cool. I’ve really got to learn to do things on my own, I love art and people tell me I’m good but I don’t know what to do without an instructor. Blueberry and blue bird 🐦 are very inspiring. I’m wanting to go to the bookstore in the cities to pick out some how to books to have lessons like blueberry does. I’ve looked online but I can’t tell what’s in the book. I want one on painting, I have paints and I need to use them.

Very, very cold out there but I wasn’t to cold until now. It’s only 66F in here. But I don’t want to turn the heat on, it’s too close to bedtime. I like it cold for sleeping.

@Mountaindewed

I don't think you're attention seeking and you're not triggering me because I've never had an ED. I just worry YOU have an ED because you only ever seem to be eating crackers, seem to be puking a lot, and always report never feeling hungry and are always talking about dieting and how much weight you're losing. I just worry about you. I didn't want to say anything... but I guess I am now. I obviously may be completely wrong, but if I'm not maybe you should talk to your therapist about it? Because losing weight through only eating a few crackers a day and puking can't be healthy.

I can't catch a break. I fell asleep around 4:30 yesterday afternoon. I woke up this morning at 5 feeling pretty decent. I took a shower for the first time in a week and it felt amazing. Then I went into the family room to watch The Today Show.

Then my moms phone rings and its my primary doctors office and I guess I have this type of bad cholestrol that can cause a build up of plauge around my heart. Its not a lifestyle type of bad cholesetrol and its only found in 20% of people. So they are trying to get my insurance to approve a CT scan of my heart to see if I need meds. I guess 32 is an unusual.age to get it.

I am a bit freaked out but I'm kinda just like whatever at this point. My body is failing.

My pdoc got back to me and said it does seem like the CoQ10 is causing the mental health symptoms. She said it can cause fatique and depression and lack of motivation. So I'm glad I stopped that because these last few days were not good.

MD - I think they bring it down with a statin. My H has high cholesterol and has had it since his 20s. He is thin and his diet is not bad and he gets plenty of exercise. High cholesterol runs in his family; his father had high cholesterol in his 30s. With a statin, H's cholesterol levels are down to normal and fish oil supplements bring down his trigylcerides to normal. He didn't get any sort of heart CT that I remember.

Idk whats going on which is why its freaky. I read the notes the doctor left and its some specific kind that only 20% of people get that isnt life style or diet related, and the doctor ordered a CT scan to see if its an issue.

Idk. Just more weird shyt to deal with.

I think it means having an abnormally high level of LDL cholesterol (the bad type of cholesterol), which is often genetic. Does high cholesterol run in your family? The heart CT I wonder about, like if it's necessary or just another test to put you through and bill on. Like I said, H has that type of cholesterol and never had a CT or anything, just got put on a statin and fish oil supplements. Of course, he was diagnosed 20 years ago. Maybe the protocol has changed now.

I'm having a good day, feeling pretty happy actually. It's cold outside, so I stayed in and did pilates this morning. Did the usual - shower, breakfast, reading with the SAD lamp. I drew 3 pictures today, and I had a lot of fun drawing. Pics all in the Creative Corner Forum. I'm really enjoying drawing birds lately. They are fun to color though the patterns can be a bit tricky to capture.

Planning to read more this afternoon, may go to the library and pick up the books I have on hold.

((((HUGS)))) to everyone having difficulties and/or health issues. I hope things improve for you.

Wondering if anyone has heard from @MuddyBoots lately? Just checking she's okay; I know she was having a hard time.

Its an uncommon kind. Not the usual kind you have heard of. And its rare in people my age. They want to do the CT scan to make sure plauge hasn't built up around my arteries

If your dietician doesn't have a problem with you eating only crackers, skipping meals, throwing up, etc. either you need a new dietician or you're not keeping an accurate food log to present to her. If I'd shown my dietician a food log such as you have posted on this forum, she'd have had a fit. Any decent dietician would have. Just saying.

I haven't gotten sick in 2 days. And I eat mini meals throughout the day so skipping meals means I may eat 4 instead of 5. But I still am eating.

Crackers is mainly what you post on these boards that you eat. I didn't mean you only eat crackers, I should have said mostly. At any rate, you don't mostly eat balanced meals to obtain adequate nutrients, protein, vitamins, etc. At least not that you post. And you're always saying you're skipping meals or only eating a few bites of things. Not a healthy diet is what I'm saying.

Anyway.

I'm feeling much better. 😊

I've been getting adequate rest for a change. I slept seven and a half hours last night! Straight through! That never happens! I can't wait to tell my therapist on Friday. We're going mall walking. Lol. I told her at my last appointment (on Friday) that I was sad it was sunzero temperatures outside so my husband and I couldn't go for walks, since I've been feeling so much better physically as of late (now that my anemia is being properly medicated) and she asked me if I wanted to go to the mall and take a walk, and I was like, "Sure!" I think it'll be fun. We just CANNOT go into Hot Topic or Spencers because there will be Sleep Token merchandise and I will want it!!!

I've been a tad stressed--about the political things that are happening of course (will not cry again!) and because it's already nearing the end of the month and the ezine will need to be put up and I always panic at the end of the month!

But I've been managing through calming music therapy. 🎶

AND I'm excited because the Imminence show in Milwaukee is less than a month away now, and I met someone online through an Imminence group on Facebook who is also a writer and also going to the Imminence show, AND she just released a poetry collection which I ordered, am going to read, and then interview her for the ezine. Which is cool because I've been looking for someone to interview for like three months now. So yay!

I don't know. I'm just really happy right now (I'm in the middle of my calming music therapy).

If you want to HAVE a friend, you must BE a friend.

It’s my day off today. I’m going to one chemist to pick up my meds and a different chemist to pick up my nicotine lozenges. I still wish I wasn’t so addicted to them because they cost a fortune.

Has anyone heard from @MuddyBoots lately? I know she was having a hard time.

What is Gouache painting? I'm not familiar with that term.

@Blueberrybook I have not heard from them

Leaving for the chemist shortly just finishing coffee

Per google, its like water colors with elmers glue, so not runny, but transparent.

It’s a cross between water color and acrylic paints. Apparently it’s been around for centuries the painters in the 15th century painted with them. I never heard of it before this class was offered. You can re- work it and layer it. Use it wet or dry. It’s supposed to be especially good for painting flowers.