Bipolar Check-in #86

Sorry I can't respond to everyone, just too many posts here! @Blue_Bird I'm sorry about the kidney stone. That is awful. @Iloveanimals25 Very doable to come off clonazapam even with severe panic disorder. I have also found that when my mood is better, I don't panic as much so something to work on there. I know a SAD lamp definitely doesn't help everyone, but it really has helped me with both my depression & my anxiety. Or maybe my anxiety was helped by not being depressed. Either way I'll take it! The other thing that really has helped my anxiety more than I even thought possible was completely unplugging from the news and social media. I told H if there is not something I absolutely NEED to know like a freeze or hurricane coming my way, just don't tell me. It's too much.

As for me, I am having an awesome day! Beautiful warm weather today. Really great mood but not manic. Not doing anything crazy, and I slept well last night. I am still a bit worn out physically from all the drama with my washing machine yesterday, so I did a gentle pilates video this morning. Showered, ate breakfast, read with the SAD lamp and almost finished my book. I drew some, went to the library, drew some more. I got some much better colored pencils and oil pastels in the mail today, and I'm looking forward to trying them. I drew 3 pictures (all in the Creative Corner forum as always), coloring the giraffe took longer than you'd think, but I had fun doing it, that's the main thing

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

I’m laying down now. I ordered a heating pad today and ibuprofen from Walmart delivery so that came just now along with my groceries and cat food/cat litter. I just took some ibuprofen and am laying down with the heating pad right now. I’m gonna have to cancel my volunteer shift tomorrow. I hate that because I missed 3 volunteer shifts last month because I was sick and Ian’s what great timing for me to fall on ice and also get random possible kidney stone pain starting because there’s no way I can do a physical job like that at the moment while I’m like this so I have to cancel tomorrows shift.

Oh, darn it! Cymbalta ready at the pharmacy. Third pharmacy pickup this week. Maybe I'll stop and get a Starbucks sandwich for lunch. As long as I'm out.

I swear, the only interaction the neurotypicals want with me, is when i open my wallet.

I'm beginning to think my relationship with the Eritrean chef who is teaching me to cook, is suspect too, because she runs a convenience store, and i am her customer. She probably wouldn't be so caring towards me if my bucks were not involved.

I don't have one person i can call 'friend.' At least not IRL. All my friendships are mediated thru ZOOM or this forum. I shook hands today with my neighbor and that's the first warm bodily contact i've had with a man in two years.

It sure is tough being 58, a senior, without a family. Sometimes i think i made a mistake. Sure, raising babies, and toddlers, and teenagers is stressful. But my sister is a gramma now and loving it.

I won't have that. The future looks pretty empty. I can't even get anyone to come over for a luncheon party. And i bought all those special dishes. I thought at least i'd have a few guests, maybe not all five. But no, all five turned me down -- busy with other things. Some were not even polite about it.

The neurotypicals are so darn busy. Even making a deal on a new pair of glasses today -- the negotiation went so well, i complimented the manager, and he didn't even say thanks, just mumbled 'bye,' and moved on to someone else. They don't want my compliments even.

My neighbor is in the hospital with cancer, and i offered to visit, and bring my home cooking which she's liked in the past, and any toiletries, or magazines that might ease her hospital stay. Even she turned me down, saying her priority is resting, and that hospital staff are taking care of her.

The only volunteer opportunities are ones where you have to commit days or weeks ahead and i simply cannot do that, because i never know how i'm gonna sleep. Our last social committee director understood, and just said to pitch in wherever i can. But our current social committee director wants everything planned out in advance to the smallest detail, and commitments days in advance, and i cannot work that way.

So it would seem there's no where i fit in IRL. I've got here, and my ZOOM support group events, and that's it. What an impoverished life. I wish i'd had kids now. I would have suffered when they were young, but i'd be reaping the benefits now.

And it's only going to get worse. Just can't believe people wouldn't even come to my home for a home cooked lunch on a statutory holiday.

I hate the world.

Probably heading to the ER in a couple hours. Once my phone and portable charger both charge so I don’t get stranded there

Woke up to no power this morning and thunderstorms. Ewww. Very heavy rain but I guess we need it. My garden doesn’t particularly like heavy rain. Poor drainage. Sunday here. Not sure what’s on the agenda other than grocery shopping (I really don’t want to spend money but we have to eat lol ) and I think my partner wants to go to the chemist to g his protein bars. There’s a very specific one he eats. I’m just glad that the power is back on. Last time we lost power in this small town it was off for the whole day. Ughhh.

Just got and put away my groceries. Had soda on sale so I stocked up. Need to take out the garbage next.

I love animals it’s very possible to come off benzos. Back in the 80’s and 90’s I was on every benzo there was sometimes on two or more at the same time. In the aughts I weaned myself off of them. They really were doing more harm than good. They made my anxiety and panic worse. Twas awful during the weaning process but so much better afterwards. Being on them was like being on a never ending roller coaster.

Got 1-2 inches of snow. I’m disappointed, I was hoping it would miss us completely. But I got groceries delivered so I didn’t have to go out in it.

Welcome @Iloveanimals25! Coming off of clonazepam is totally possible. I was on benzos--lorazepam, clonazepam, diazepam, and temazepam during different periods--towards the end taking 30mg of diazepam a day with PRNs (max recommended dose). Wasn't even for anxiety, it was to treat EPS from Haldol. Anyway, I got off Haldol, and spent months decreasing it slowly.

@iloveanimals - There is a lot you can do with CBT on your own, workbooks and such. I basically used CBT to recover from the worst of my eating disorder, and that was without a therapist even or other help beyond meds (no ED specialist or ED hospitalization). At the time, I didn't even realize I WAS using CBT until I learned about CBT years later and realized, whoa! That was the process I had used! Of course, actual CBT is a bit more involved than my approach but since my parents couldn't afford therapy for me and I wasn't working. There are lots of workbooks out there now on CBT/DBT, and you'd be surprised at how much you can make inroads on your own (and perhaps working a workbook and bringing it up in therapy can help?). Is there a reason you can't switch to a therapist familiar with CBT such as insurance or geography?

@JaneOnceMore - yeah they should change the riddle from "the chicken or the egg" to "the friends or the dinner party."

Thanks for answering about your condo heat thing. Im still curious about what the device is and where / how they are powering it (solar?), but i found out a LOT about single vs mass billing of utilities, makes sense why it's mass.

I dont like anybody visiting me in hospital. When i was in second grade, i was in to have surgery on a burn. My godmother came to visit me and left a box of chocolates. I wasnt being fed because my surgery was the next day, so i ate a bunch of the chocolates, figuring my godmother was smart to leave me food!

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Originally Posted by Iloveanimals25 I just got a new therapist but she doesn't really know cbt. My goal is to really get to know cbt and use it for anxiety. My question here is has anyone on here successfully come off a benzo? And hi! Nice to meet you all. 😊 oh I wanted to add that I slowly took myself off of 40 mgs of 40 mgs of doxepin. My Dr told me that everywhere is taking people off of benzos. I feel like since I was able to come off of doxepin, don't punish me by taking me off of clonazapam. If there's lots of typos, please forgive them I'm on a phone. I don't have a computer.

Hi Iloveanimals I'm one of the many who have come off benzos successfully. For some definitely easier than others. I'd say from experience go slow with the tapering and work with your team, keep them updated on the side effects and don't be afraid if you need to slow down the taper even more. The benefits are there for sure.

CBT and DBT are wonderful tools. Could I also suggest a bit of Tony Robbins, Mel Robbins, some of the less wowo Joe dispensa, Abraham Hicks and ones such as these. It might be a bit challenging at first, and, well worth sticking with it. Its certainly been life changing for me.

You've got this. Quoting one of the above 'Fear is the unknown, so make the unknown known.' As much as you can and without diving down the rabbit hole, speak with your team, tell them your fears, and ask for as much feedback as you can. As others have mentioned, there are some great online rescources as well.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo more ice an snow coming. omg

I was doing fine and then this nausea hit me followed by a sudden headache and then I tossed my cookies twice. My GI had suggested I see a neurogolist. I see my primary on Monday. I still need to get my eyes examined so I can get contacts.

Now I'm just lying down. I'll skip dinner again. I stopped the metformin to see if that was the issue.

At least I got my room cleaned today and my storage rack I use as a pantry organized. I got rid of a few bags of chips and popcorn I can't eat.

@Blueberrybook How did your Dr take you off of whatever benzo you were on. And thank you so much for the response.

Still not feeling well so had a low key day. Just went out to get some absolutely needed groceries and electrolytes (lots of electrolytes are essential for a lot of people with POTs). I've been watching episode after episode of the tv show Bull (on amazon prime). I've watched the series once before.

My mood is okay despite not feeling well-sometimes, it can trigger depression. Hopefully, I'll feel good enough to go to Mass tomorrow.

Went grocery shopping for the week. Just busy cooking the chicken in the air fryer so I don’t have to cook up a storm during the week I can just heat up the meats and serve with my ready made salads

It's really not good for your doctor to stop lorazepam and not offer you something else to provide ongoing treatment. The fact is that you're dealing with really bad anxiety and that he's leaving you essentially untreated for it is not at all helpful. He really should be looking at your overall situation and maybe increase something like an SSRI or whatever.

You asked about coming off meds for anxiety and I had managed to do that. I'm about 90% off Clonazepam/ Klonopin.

I did it through therapy. CBT helped manage the symptoms but therapy got to the underlying source of the anxiety. Once I saw she understood the cause I was able to change how I relate to my thoughts and responses because I had insight into why they were happening in the first place.

It takes time and patience but it worked for me.

I take Klonopin maybe 1 or 2 times a month now. I'm not completely free of anxiety but it is much better. I still break out in sweats, get tense, etc but the racing thoughts are pretty much gone and the sense of impending doom is a lot more manageable.

Next up, is my depression. But that's a really big thing that we're just starting to get into. I can see that it's going to be a lot of work.

No there's no reason, I just wanted someone to help guide me through it. I think that the place misunderstood and thought I was say DBT instead of CBT yeah I've looked into workbooks. That may have to be my only way..

Thank you so much!

So, @JaneOnceMore - to put a gif, you just right click on the gif and "Copy Image link" and put it in the image box as you would upload any other image, they all work the same way, and it should work. I am sorry you feel the loneliness creeping in, I feel the same way - I have no kids, and I don't think I will be having some anytime soon. I hate being single and I am feeling really bad about myself.

Today took a turn for the worst. I am full in a depressive mode now. I am so upset over my ex-boyfriend; it's upsetting my quality of life. I'm so upset over the loss of my job; it's turning my whole world upside down. I hate bipolar, I hate that this mania robbed me of everything I had. I hate it, I hate it so much.

Thanks nammu, I'm only on 2 mgs of clonazapam. But I am on a lot of gabapentin. I really do need it. Not just for anxiety but for back pain as well. Thank you for the reassurance. We also only got a couple inches. But my sister right by Idaho got a lot I think.

No he's not going to do it all at once, a ND not until I feel more capleable.

He wants to do it like a quarter every 3-4 months.

I lurk here and I also have a friend that has tried everything for her depression and nothing has worked. I'm so very sorry you haven't found relief. I hope you find something soon.

I’m so sorry shadow, I know exactly what you mean and I have been in that place where I’ve lost everything to mania. It’s a devastating experience. Then come the black dog. You can persevere and rise. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you can fight it.

@Iloveanimals25

I had an awful psychiatrist take me off 4mg of clonazepam, that I'd been taking daily for years, in two months. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. I cried twice during the withdrawal, which lasted MONTHS. Don't let your psychiatrist take you off it too fast. Now my *** is stuck on 30mg of diazepam on the daily, scheduled, and I'm pissed I allowed myself to become dependent on a benzo again!

When my GI saw I was on 5mg of valium 3x a day she said "3x A DAY?! EVERY day? And it doesn't slow you down?" I said no and she kinda half shrugged and said "ok." I've been questioned a lot about the valium by different people. For some reason though my pharmacy filled it 6 days early and it went through insurance too.