Bipolar Check-in #87

Aww what a nice thing to dream about Sir Nammu

Good morning. I slept good. I thought I only got a couple hours but according to my smart watch I slept 7 1/2 hours which is pretty good. I know I had bizarre dreams as I usually do I just don’t remember what they were

Anyway, today I have monthly appointment with my program manager to discuss goals and whatnot

That’s about all that’s going on today. Other than that I might take a walk to the library later to get out of the house some. I’m just hoping I don’t dissociate on my walk there or back.

And I’m gonna practice violin as usual

I had oatmeal with sliced banana in it for breakfast.

I helped my neighbor with some stuff she needed done in her apartment yesterday. She was Papi’s previous owner. She is 84 and has congestive heart failure so it’s hard for her to get stuff done around her apartment so I’ve been going over and helping her a few times a week. She’s a sweetheart.

Aww that’s nice blue bird 🐦 that you help your neighbor like that. I’ve heard that congestive heart disease is a hard one to deal with, so your help is appreciated.

I wasn’t sure how lost I’d get trying to find this voc rehab place (I don’t know numbers on this road so wasn’t sure if I’d be going 5 miles or 20 haha). So I’m here super early. I bought a mute for my violin yesterday, and my friend works in construction and painted this violinists house and asked her if she does lessons for me. She does not (I guess she has arthritis and doesn’t play too much now), but recommended some place not too far from me that does financial aid so I’m gonna hit them up later.

I don’t know what happened, but my sleep was AWFUL last night. I woke up three times from nightmares. First time I went back to sleep fine, second time went back to sleep with a PRN, third time took another PRN and didn’t get back to sleep. And at the mental health center lobby I saw a guy who threatened me about a year ago at a warming center for “crowding his chair”(that he wasn’t even sitting in and was in the bathroom or something at the time, and I was as far from the chair as I could be without bumping into other people).

I might join Rover again to do some dog walking/pet sitting until I land a vet assistant job. I think I’m good with animals overall, but some people on certain trails I run into and think otherwise. Not that I’ve ever had a real problem, just an excited Pitt off leash that weighs probably 3/4 my weight makes can make me nervous. Especially when I’ve talked to owners who have LAUGHED when their dog kills another dog on the bike path or something.

Ugh this lack of appetite is horrible (the fkked up part of my brain likes it though).

Voc rehab went well though. She’s gonna get in touch with a few people and I’m bringing my résumé in so she can make it better next week.

I was out all this morning and my anxiety and stomach were good. I had my glasses on which probably helped my stomach a lot. I was getting kinda out of breath and my heart was pounding so I slowed things down a bit activity wise. I feel fine now.

I' have therapy tommorow and then a virtual annual appointment with my insurance on Saturday. Then next week I get my eyes dilated to figure out the catracat situation. Then at the end of the month is my CT scan of my heart.

Yeah. At least today and yesterday were fun.

I've been getting a lot less annoyed and irritated about things and I think its the lamictal increase. My mom and brother went out to dinner and my mom.brought me back something but it wasn't what I had asked. And I just thought. "Huh. Whatever. Still looks good." Its just little stuff like that I'm noticing

My therapist told me one time "I can't imagine you getting angry." Lol.

I took my blood pressure for the first time in a couple days and it was 146/97. My blood pressure med really isnt doing much.

I have to catch up with everyone after lunch.

I took a long power walk this morning; the full moon was absolutely brilliant. Showered, had time with H, ate breakfast, read with the SAD lamp, drawing seemed a bit so-so (both in creative corner forum). The still life I kind of just gave up on I think.

My mood is still pretty good, stable, so that's good. I slept pretty well last night other than having a nightmare. You've got to hate those!

I hope everyone has a fantastic Tuesday!

Drew some today

Thursday morning and it might be an acceptable day at work. I only teach one class because there’s state testing on today for reading and writing so I’ll probably be supervising that. Ughhh. 100+ students in an open space, here’s hoping they behave. If I’m supervising Year. 7 that’s sweet but not if they have me supervising Year 9 because they will be hooligans lol.

Sorry to those of us experiencing bad sleep. I’ve been up since 3:40am. Tossed and turned since midnight. Awful. About to go hit the shower to freshen up a bit. I’ll check in later on!

Lumière!

I had to start on Klonopin today. I felt a panic attack coming on and I could feel it was going to be strong and felt I couldn't manage it on my own.

My doctor says the anxiety would get bad as I lowered the Remeron. I'm down to 15mg from 45. Next is 7.5mg starting tomorrow. I have to stop by Tuesday.

I went to the gym today and had a really hard time with it. I'm not surprised though. I'm tempted to stop going all together, but my pdoc, therapist, and regular doctor say I should stick with it as long as I can.

Sorry for everyone struggling.. @BeyondtheRainbow it's good to hear from you; I'm sorry things are so difficult especially with waiting on the SSI stuff. @raspberrytorte Good to hear you are working on lowering the benzo; it's hard but worth it in the end. I can't take OTC allergy meds either; Claritin especially sends my anxiety through the roof! @Blue_Bird I love Mustachio's yawn, and what a great candle you drew! @MuddyBoots - Best to get the appetite situation resolved what with an ED. I know for me, the more underweight I get, the harder time I have of pulling myself out of it and the worse the refeeding syndrome too. At my lowest weight, when I regained the refeeding syndrome was awful, my weight all weirdly distributed too, it took a good 6 months to a year to get my metabolism back up to normal, and that really SUCKED.

Yeah, the political situation in this country is the pits which is why I def. don't read or watch the news. It gets me way too anxious!

I'm probably going to spend the afternoon reading; I'm cooking a more involved recipe for dinner, so I'll have to start that early.

Oy, last year around this time when I got out of one of the worst restricting periods of my life and started eating again, I went straight into a pretty bad cycle of binging (because starvation stuff I guess) and purging (because not healed of ED!) and it was awful. I talk to my pdoc next week so hopefully by then I'll have adjusted to the med or she'll lower the dose or find something else. Methylphenidate didn't do this to me, I don't know why dexmethylphenidate is so much worse in this regard.

edit: oh, it's pretty much the same stuff just twice as strong. That might be why.

I don't know how long ago I made the title under my username "Monster on the Hill" but I just heard Taylor Swift's Anti-Hero and it goes "sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby, and I'm a monster on the hill," and I swear I didn't know that (at least consciously, I might have heard it somewhere else and that phrase stuck) at the time of making it

Now I’m going to have to listen to Taylor Swift. I’ve never noticed that underneath your name until you pointed it out muddyboots lol

I don't even live on a hill anymore so maybe I should change it to "Cove Creature" (there is a cool little cove like a mile from here).

edit: did something haha

I got on the treadmill for 10 min then someone asked if they could use it so I got off and let them on. Usually no one else in the building uses them. I was only doing like 15 min anyway cause I’ve been laying around too much today. I managed to do 10 min then the person asked if they could get on.

I feel chronically tired because I haven’t been getting enough sleep. 7 1/2 hours is a normal amount I guess but I need like 9-10 to function optimally especially with the meds I’m on.

I have dental cleaning/exam tomorrow morning then tomorrow night I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats. So it’s gonna be a busy day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch Now I’m going to have to listen to Taylor Swift. I’ve never noticed that underneath your name until you pointed it out muddyboots lol

I never noticed either!

Glad it's not just me LOL

@BeyondtheRainbow your not being a baby. Take care of yourself and keep using your healthy coping mechanism.

I'm okay, I'm stressed from gaining xx lbs in the last month and I wasn't eating more. Maybe the injection causing weight gain. I don't want medicine. I don't know I'm slowly getting better.

I'm in a good mood this evening, but my blood pressure is still really high. I'm not anxious about anything. The only thing I'm really thinking of is this big jar of hearts of palms in the fridge.

I'm lying down listening to music. I took a 20 or so minute nap this afternoon. It helped with my fatigue.

I have got to lose legit weight for health reasons though. It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest right now.

Rewatching Game of Thrones. I just ate dinner. Gonna hopefully get sleep later but idk cause I’m nervous about my dentist appointment in the morning so I might not be able to sleep.

I bought an external recording mic for my iphone, for better quality recording of my violin playing.

My mood is okay. I’m just tired and need to sleep

Such cute kitties @Blue_Bird !

Thanks @Crazy Hitch

Ugh I don’t feel great right now. I feel very paranoid. And I feel that sensation of chemicals burning my veins