Bipolar Check-in #87

Had a very bad night. Turned the lights off at 1am but at 3 was still tossing and turning. Finally sometime in the early morning I fell into an exhausted sleep. I woke up constantly. I’m just utterly exhausted. I’ve not yet gotten dressed, I’m fighting the pull of bed.

I did fill out all the paperwork for my apartment renewal. At first it seemed daunting but I think I did ok. I’ve only my car license plate number to write down. My sister told me to take a picture then I’d have it when I needed it, but I forgot. I forget my phone all the time. Did taxes yesterday so I have all the paperwork ready to go.

So ****, it looks like I have to change insurance. Meaning no shot, no more psychotic clinic, new providers my insurance changes over right when my shot is due. Silver lining I may keep my t. I swear we just moved 15 minutes away.

So called SS again, still technical difficulties so I went down to the office in person where I saw a sign saying I need to make an appointment. Ended up calling the LOCAL office just to make an appointment but was able to change my address right over the phone in like 5 minutes. Sweet.

I am back at my mom’s just visiting the cats (she’s not home right now but let me keep the key for now). Hanging out in the yard with Nomad who just hunted a grasshopper!

Oh, I’m also right down the street from an adolescent IOP I was in forever ago, and they’re super cool there so I visited and the director is still there along with one counselor and the front desk lady who were so happy to see me! Director is an MD and was stunned when I told him the only med I take right now for bipolar is Trileptal. Dude thought I was destined to be on clozaril for life!

Awww cute kitty muddyboots!

Trileptal is good med Muddy, I’ve been on it for like 6 or 7 years now , glad it’s helping you!

I’m just chilling now. I practiced violin today. Had my inspection earlier and it went well. They hardly even inspect at all when they come into my apartment cause they know mine is good already cause it always is since I keep it clean and well organized. They just walk in and say hi to the cats basically lol

So yeah practiced violin. Did a recording of my playing with the GarageBand app to send to my violin teacher.

I read today too. And meditated. And looked through some of my deck of 125 DBT cards. It’s been a good day. I started re-reading Harry Potter books since I have the physical editions of them. So I have something to read without screens at night before bed so it doesn’t disrupt my ability to fall asleep. And during the day I read on my kindle. Which I’m currently reading Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros on my kindle

I’m just relaxing in bed now with Mustachio laying next to me and some of my favorite anime (Demon Slayer) on Hulu on my tv.

I'm doing ok today. I did a lot of thrift shopping and I went to the used bookstore. I got a few hoodies and some Adidas, Puma, and Nike sweatpants. I also found a pair of Nikes and a pair of Levis. I got 2 books from the used bookstore. Whats the T? And The Future Is Queer.

I'm tired though and I could use a long nap.

I really needed to use the bathroom and my only option was Starbucks. So I spent $8 on a bistro box I didn't want just to use their bathroom. Its kinda annoying that you need to buy something now to use their bathrooms because they are one ot the few places with all gender bathrooms. So what if you are trans and homeless and can't afford Starbucks but need to use the bathroom.

Idk. Its just kinda annoying.

long day. good day but long. so much interpersonal conflict at my practicum. i swear thyere more like teens than mental health pros

I’m gonna see if my psychiatrist can remove my schizoaffective disorder bipolar type diagnosis when I see him next. He diagnosed me with PTSD last visit (technically C-PTSD but it’s not available in the DSM in the US yet, so he just put it in as PTSD) anyway I think it encapsulates my experience a lot more and makes way more sense to me

I managed to do a lot despite the lack of sleep. I said after the snow melts I’d start walking. I need my walker to get to the park. I can only get half way before I need a break, but it’s more than I’ve done for a very long time. Once I can routinely get to the park my next gold will be the mill pond. There’s a walking path all the way around it. Then onto some of the surrounding trails. My ultimate gold being the nature center which is about 5 miles away. But I started today!

Got my forms filled out for the HUD renewal thing.

Filled out a government questionnaire on the state of the nation.

And oh I’m on day three of drawing a picture a day. The current book I have is pretty simple. But I’m doing it while I wait for the 15 minute one recommended by blueberry.

Interesting mix of emotions today. I was spoiled Saturday when my ex emailed me 5 times that day - he usually emails once a day. I find myself checking my phone constantly to see if he messages me, it's becoming an obsession. I realize it's best to try and move on even though I know I am not ready yet. My ex came so out of the blue that I wasn't expecting it, I am hoping that's how my next relationship turns out. I don't know the future for us, but one email a day is really nothing, but my friends say to give him time, because it's something - I am doubtful though.

I worked this morning for a little while, and I am becoming more and more grateful for my situation. I am going to tell my parents I don't want to move. I love my church and the people here too much, plus I am just becoming a part of it. Today was a good day though, even though I slept late again. Got to try and get up earlier. it was 70 degrees today and going up to 78 tomorrow, so I am excited to wear one of my pretty dresses again. Really enjoying my Paramount+ with all my Star Trek - they have some good movies too.

Hope everyone had a great Tuesday today!

i just updated my resume. i added certifications ive earned and my practicum experience at the crisis unit. rigjt after i posted earlier i found out that a rude newer case management supervisor got fired from practicum today. she was NEVER nice to anyone and was so rude to one cm that that cm called her the b word and then she got fired. so i wont miss her. she was always on edge and rude

Funny picture of Mustachio yawning tonight

Ha ha, you sure miss m isn’t saying feed me! 😂

At my psychiatrist appointment on Monday we decided to start seeing if I could come off loxapine. I was taking 25mg twice a day. She changed it to 20mg twice a day, and I think I'm starting to feel it. Little bit on the anxious side here. I don't know why I'd be anxious. I was taking it to help with my psychotic symptoms.

All I did was ask her if she thought I needed to be on it since I was already on seroquel.

I don't know. I have a headache.

Yesterday my husband, daughter and I took a walk in the park and I was able to walk up a hill without getting out of breath and feeling like I was dying! I was so excited! I haven't been able to do that in years! We got to the top and I was all like, "I DID IT!!!!" 😊 😊 lol. I probably looked like a fool, but whatever.

Got the proofing done on my anthology. Now it's onto my novel. I don't know what my deal is tonight but I just don't feel very good and I've been SO tired all day. Just waiting impatiently for the spring upswing to begin. Any day now hypomanic raspberry you can start...

Actually, I think I know what my situation is. I probably have allergies. Fudge man. Tylenol for me tomorrow, since OTC allergy meds either make me anxious or paranoid!!!!

I'm sorry I've not been participating much, if at all. I'm not doing so great. It's not bipolar so much as severe anxiety. I'm back on taking Seroquel 12.5 mg twice a day in the evenings to remain somewhat calm but it's really rough still. It takes the edge off; it doesn't take the anxiety away. I've been having physical things that I'm sure are related to the anxiety. I've had migraines almost every day for weeks and get nauseous most days, migraine or not. I'm going to try to get in with my family care dr but want to wait to see my pdoc first. I was supposed to do that yesterday but the appointment was moved to next week. I just want to be sure this isn't something she can tweak before I go to him and not have any clue with my psych med options/restrictions are. With the MAOI I'm limited on triptans to 2. One didn't work much at all and the other gave me a 30 minute nap and then I'd hopefully wake up feeling better. I've not used them in years.

I just can't stand the political mess we are in. I'm just so scared and angry and I feel lost. I'm now at 5 months from my social security review being submitted. I've heard nothing. I also didn't get my social security tax form. I know I don't owe money but I would like to have the paperwork to show that in an emergency. So I have to make a trip to the SS office in town. I"m trying to be grateful that I have that option locally when I live in a rural area and just by chance have one here. Most people around here have long drives. But the waiting with the armed office makes me so anxious. I'm scared of guns and really do not like sitting there. I've put it off too long though so I just have to do it.

I don't know. I don't feel like doing much. But I have to. So hopefully my pdoc can help with the meds and my family dr can help me feel better overall. I don't like feeling like this.


I have so many things I wanted to say to people but they've slipped my rather holey memory at the moment. Sorry.

I thought he was Mustachio because of well his moustache! But lookit them whiskers!!!

She’s definitely got some big whiskers 😃

Today was an alright day. My meeting with my boss about next year went so-so. I wasn't able to get as long of a walk in as I was hoping to-my POTs symptoms started acting up so I cut it short. I might have a sinus infection (again) so that could be why my POTs symptoms didn't like a longer walk. Or, it was just my body's way of telling me to rest after getting three long walks in this weekend.

I'm pretty tired right now. I was going to do some grading tonight, but I'm going to put that off and probably head to bed early. I should have some time to work on grades tomorrow. If not, I'll bring it home again because I don't plan on going for a walk tomorrow so can use that time to grade.

I'll have to decide if I feel like I need to see a doctor to figure out if I have a sinus infection to. I really don't want to go to urgent care because the copay is much higher than if I can get a regular appointment.

So now that I think about it more. The sza bipolar diagnosis does make sense I guess I’m lying to myself if I say I don’t get manic or psychotic. I am night and day without meds. Back before meds or when I was first starting to find what worked for me I’d end up in the back of a cop car being escorted to the hospital to a judge to get put in the hospital involuntarily due to psychosis and mania. Yeah idk. I just hate being stuck with this diagnosis but I guess I should just focus on treatment. The PTSD diagnosis provides some clarity on other things but my doctor insists on keeping the schizoaffective bipolar and I guess if I’m being truly honest with myself I agree.

@BeyondtheRainbow

I totally understand your anxiety about the political situation. I was at the pharmacy yesterday and overheard the lady ahead of me ranting about how more federal workers were fired and it stressed me out so bad I had to go home and lay in bed and listen to my happy music to calm myself down! I don't think I got a SS tax form either, now that you mention it. Unless I did and and my husband opened it and took care of it (he does our taxes).

Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Anxiety is the worst. And about your migraines. I hope your pdoc can help with your anxiety. I also hope you hear back regarding your SS review soon. 🙏 It is strange you haven't heard back in five months. I thought I heard back within a month for mine, but that was BEFORE the orange one took office. I'm pretty sure it's a shyt show over there right now so everything is going to be moving slower. I'd just attempt to be patient and not stress too much. ☺️ You'll hear back and everything will be fine.

She always wants food. She even finished Papi’s treat for him today when I gave them both those squeezable treats lol

Thanks raspberry. I know we are all feeling anxiety about this and I feel like I'm being a baby about it. And when my body attacks to remind me I'm stressed it just makes me feel more angry at myself.

I don't know how late they are with social security renewals but I read that 4 years ago it took an average of 4 months to get an initial application decision. It now takes 8 months. So I probably should stop expecting it to come "any day now" as I've been doing every day since November. My therapist pointed out that I'm getting benefits and until my check stops I am ok. Just trusting that is hard. I keep thinking that they could deny renewals just to get the numbers on SSDI/SSI down.


I've been knitting hats to keep my hands busy. I spent so long on one for my niece.. When I went to pull the top together I tore the yarn that closes it and ruined it. So I'll be starting that again. Good thing it's warm right now.

Tomorrow something will go easily. I really hope so anyway.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. I've had enough. That's it. I'm sleeping with the lights ON from now on. I was having thoughts that were not my own and felt like there was some evil force trying to possess me. It was freaking me out, but I didn't want to let my husband know.

@BeyondtheRainbow

You're definitely NOT being a baby.

Ugh I think I had no sleep, just tossing and turning. Right side, left side, right side, ad infinitum. At one point though I was dreaming so I must have gotten at least an hour. I dreamed I was in a hovel with my best friend from high school and Sir had been reincarnated. I had a remote on my wrist that exploded and I couldn’t change the channel. I went outside and there was a group of grade school kids on the grass listening to a lecture about Ireland. Sir was strolling around.

So I gave up and got up to watch touched by an angel. Seeing Dawn brighten the day. Not often I see Dawn.