Bipolar Check-in #89

I was having a bit of a hard time without the visteril. Not terrible. Just a bit anxious without it. But I finally asked my pdoc in a non drug seeking way for another prescription and the nurse immediatly responded "of course. I just sent in a 3 month prescription."

So that made me happy that she was so nice and also that I was able to advocate for myself.

I try not to eat sweets besides Twizzlers, but Hostess had these bags of mini old fashioned donuts like the Amish make. So I got a bag. It will last me longer then serving bag says anyways.

Waiting for the nurse to call me back re the prednisone.

Well I’m officially in a virtual CBT group now on Wednesday at 3. Hopefully it helps!

My mom and therapist are freaking out a bit because I've had some trouble peeing lately. Like with retention and a lot of straining.



I'm really lethargic today too so I'm not sure what kind of issue this could be.

I'm having an awesome day so far! It's all due to waking up feeling SOO rested. I got just over 8 hr. of sleep last night like I do most nights, but it must have been 8 hr. of deep sleep as I can't remember the last time I have woken up feeling so well physically I took a walk, showered, had breakfast, read with the SAD lamp. I'm working on a painting of a pomegranate. I plan to touch it up yet on the left top by outlining it a bit more clearly though I don't know it doesn't look that bad from standing up, maybe I should leave it and just call it? I'll decide after lunch.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Friday!

Edited
tiny bit of touchup here

UTI? Dont forget this is a holiday weekend. Get your butt to urgent care ASAP.

Trying to report the prednisone reaction. The clinic who prescribed it said if I’m not having the reaction right now who cares? Called my primary dr back and the nurse will call me back sometime! Why is it so hard??

Sounds like a UTI or bladder/kidney infection. go to urgent care for urine test. drs will be closed monday

This response is for @Mountaindewed !

Urinary retention is a medical emergency! Go to the ER!

Ok the nurse said it’s already listed in my allergies! So much for going to an outside urgent care! Two different hospital systems. Ugh. They’re supposed to be able to see each other’s information but apparently not!

Been dissociating the past hour or so. Slept really good last night even despite taking 2 naps during the day. Had really weird vivid dreams.

Trying to not have a panic attack over the dissociation. I need to distract myself. Maybe a video game will help.

I got a pack of 48 small panel canvases. I go through them pretty fast. This should be enough to keep up with pre-painting the pictures for examples for the painting class I’m teaching and just my own personal projects.

I feel like crap right now thanks to the dissociation.

Yeah, I got a 1PM doctors appointment and its a UTI. He is prescribing antibiotics twice a day for 5 days.

Mr Pibbs burned out your weewee!

I don't really believe that lume lady when she says "ok for pitts feet and privates."

I feel antsy. I told my case mgr about the prednisone causing mania and she said I already told my Pdoc that at my appointment two days ago! I’m losing my mind.

Sounds like it just makes it easier for cooties to slide all up in there!

I find most soaps are too drying or irritating, like Ivory, Dial, Irish Spring. And smelly soaps are instant like hives for me. I have been using Safeguard for like a hundred years, everywhere. Its very neutral smelling.

I never got on the bodywash bandwagon like you kids nowadays. When i was young, we used lye and it burned our skin off and we liked it!

As per Lume,

In the hospital they were like “ooh complex case we can’t tell if your manic or freaking out because you have obvious reasons for both your BPD and PTSD to be triggered, and with ADHD-C you’re probably normally look hyper and energetic, right?” (Yeah).

I think it’s safe to say there is some bipolar action though at this point. I had two all nighters this week, the five hours I got last night felt like A LOT! And I walked 7 miles to someone I know well, they weren’t home, but I came in and shaved my head with their dog clippers (they won’t get angry about me “breaking in,” they actually gave me a spare key a while ago when I was homeless and anemic and constantly looking for somewhere to nap).

I really hope he can give me a ride back haha. It’s a long hilly walk.

My doc may have fked me over yesterday too. I do some throughout the day mood charting and journaling and told her it seems like around 3, 4pm latest I tend to really unravel at that point, get crazy emotional, distractible, impatient, impulsive, and just a plain ole shytshow from that point on, she decided that’s when my adderall wears off and told me to take another dose at 3pm (which I haven’t done yet. I didn’t realize it was this late and I don’t even know if I want to). She also told me to take the valium 2x a day scheduled until I “get on a working mood stabilizer,” but she’s giving me 3x10mg in case I “need” 20mg for one dose (was discharged with 4x10mg to take 1-2 as needed).

I have to leave this guy some money too because I printed off like 30 DBT worksheets. I hope he gets back soon. I told him I’m here and he’s fine with it.

A vintage website,isn't it? maybe you are not the last one ,so does me.

Yeah, if you get much more than 1L of liquid in your bladder that can’t come out (and trust me, after there’s more in there than a bladder scan can accurately measure and it just says >999mL, it HURTS!), there’s a risk of it bursting so you really gotta get a catheter before that happens.

Oof, I ended up taking that Adderall. It’s IR not XR and I feel like I need a nap now. I probably genuinely need to catch up on sleep though.

Who tf gets injected with 20mg of diazepam and just paces up and down the hall but without being aggressive after but is ready to fall asleep after a small dose of Adderall?

I found a 2010 recording of me singing- before my voice broke! Wish I could still sing like that!

I managed to pull myself out of the dissociation episode. I first tried the cold water dunking your face in ice water and holding breath Tipp skill. Tried that three times. It worked briefly then the dissociation came flooding back. Tried distraction. Tried the 54321 method Couldn’t focus on anything cause I was zoning out so hard so distractions didn’t work. Went on for hours. I was pretty much non functional. I couldn’t watch shows or anything. I ended up taking one of my klonopin. I only use those in extremely bad situations and make sure it’s rarely. That helped enough to where I was able to focus on some of my shows (supernatural, Bridgerton , and some anime shows) and I feel a lot better now.

Anyway I’m glad I didn’t go to the ER. Sometimes when my dissociation gets extreme and I panic on top of it all just escalates and I feel like I’m gonna slip away into madness and get the urge to go to the ER cause by that point I’m terrified. But I’m glad I didn’t and waited it out.

It’s kind of difficult cause I live alone so don’t have another person by me who can help ground me. It’s easy to just dissociate and slip into basically another dimension mentally.

Tired. Fwb came over after a month since I’d been sick. That was nice. Plus my bed is made now which is comfy! Ate pasta for dinner which I rarely eat it but I’m tired of fish and cereal. Finding those 2010 recordings of me singing made me happy and wistful at the same time. Also took my night time meds which should make me sleepy.

It's been an interesting day. I was really upset because I lost $100 on a job because my email isn't working or according to them I was on some kind of suppression list. I was crying a lot because work is so slow that I absolutely could not afford to lose a $100 job due to an email problem. The good news is I ended up talking to my guy for almost 6 hours today., which is incredible. I know we are not in a relationship anymore, but it really made me feel better, espcially after the week I have been having because of this job situation.

I applying for some more jobs right now and not giving up hope. I am also hoping to talk to the lady who might have a job for me on Sunday. I hope she shows up to the birthday party the church is having, so I could meet her. I really love your paintings @Blueberrybook - Are you feeling better @Nammu ? I am glad you went to the doctor @Mountaindewed . I am sorry you were having those thoughts @June08 - I was having bad thoughts too earlier in the week, and I had to turn to prayer to help. I hope you're feeling better @Blue_Bird - when will you be going to the movies again? I am going to see Mission Impossible tomorrow, it should be a nice day too, it was really nice today, it was only 72 degrees - I had all my windows open.

My friend in New York is really amazing. He is getting through each day homeless and living in a shelter, and finds time to cheer me up and send me positive things. I could of been still homeless like him, yet he still pushes on. It really puts it into perspecitive for me when I am in the midst of my drama of how blessed I really am. I really love him. He sent me this today: