Bipolar Check-in #89

That's awesome @Lady Shadow! Good luck!

Praying for you @LadyShadow. All positive vibes sent your way

N3 and I had a late Mom’s day lunch today. He explained his Fall semester logic class to me which made sense- till he said it was all math!! He’s going to make that Bach fugue video tonight I hope on his harpsichord! I’ll link it here. It should be uber cool!

Fwb’s phone sent the blocking messages because the bill wasn’t paid on time! And he sent an apology for yesterday. Hmm. I dunno how I feel. Didn’t expect that. We did text a long time about it.

@Blueberrybook No, I don't see a counselor right now. I ended counseling several months ago because I just needed a break (I was in counseling for over 3 years). And, the counselor wasn't really a good fit any more. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have a counselor but I don't know that I'm ready to go back yet. I also don't know that it's in the budget anymore. At least not right now. I hope you get any rest you need amidst your busy week!

@LadyShadow Good luck with the interview!

@LadyShadow I hope it goes well!

I learned today that my new apartment complex does a yearly inspection to do things like check light bulbs, air filters, etc. I like this because it shows the place is taken care of. I still have some anxiety about being in a new place, but I'm trying to lean into the peace I also have about being here. It's weird-I'm struggling with anxiety/my mental health in general, but there is also an inner peace about where I'm at in life (even if it's not where I wanted to be).

My mood was a little down and anxious today. SI thoughts weren't as bad as yesterday, but were still there. They tend to be the worst in the afternoon and evening. I was still able to get some moving stuff done, including getting my move-in inspection sheet turned in. Tomorrow, I need to try to remember to go to the post office to formally change my address, go through my online accounts to change my address, and I need to figure out how the laundry room works. I think it costs $2.25 to wash and $2.25 to dry. Hopefully, the machines work well.

I don't know if I've just lost my marbles. But I wanted to see if I had a good singing voice. So I like whispered sung a part of Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men. Its 11:17 though. So it was mostly just whispering.

Idk. Maybe I've just lost it. That. Fungus stuff again.

I have this weird sharp pain in my esophagus. Above my chest. Like I swallowed a tortilla chip sideways.

I did something yesterday that I don't usually do-- and that is complain about service. Because my financial struggle is getting to me, I decided to call a payday loan service here in town. I did the application online hoping to evade a lot of embarassment for seeking money. The phone call I got didn't last 30 seconds before I was insulted and hung up. I wrote a complaint on their website contact us page detailing why I felt attitude and tone would have changed everything and a suggestion to open questions up to the customer to express their situation rather than terse, almost rude prodding. I was surprised to get two responses -- one from a regional manager and an operations manager. Both apologizing for the encounter and they will take it into consideration everything I said, talk with the individual, but also better their practice of working with clientele.

I really hope it's not lip service -- financial struggles are sensitive issues and it's important to approach them compassionately, gently, and show you're there to try to help -- not some third party to judge.

Apparently I have Medicare now. I didn’t sign up for it. It just randomly automatically got added recently after starting to receive Social Security Survivors benefits (in addition to the SSI I’ve always received). I’m not 65, I’m 30. But I guess there are other ways to qualify. Idk if this means I still have my Medicaid and have both or if I just have Medicare now in replacement of Medicaid. Idk anything about how insurance works it’s all confusing to me. My Medicare coverage starts in September.

Anyway, I have an apartment inspection today. Other than that going to the pharmacy to pick up my medications.

My heart monitor is just this little button thing. There aren't any crazy wires and a big monitor like there used to be. Its just a patch. I click it if I feel something weird and then write down what I felt in the journal they gave me. But I can't get it wet or sweaty.

So yeah. Glad that is easier then I thought

I've been in a mood all day again. Not anxious. Just crabby and irritated. I just tested my blood and it was 148.

Thats cool!

Dewed, i made a sticker for the back of my glucose monitor because i could NOT remember my ranges.

They are:

FAST: 70 110 130
MEAL: 140 180

Fasting ranges should go from 70 to 130, with 110 as ideal.
2 hours after a meal it should be between 140 and 180.

Hmm. Now thats for a type 2 diabetic on metformin and long lasting insulin. Not sure what yours should be. But i have been doing better since i made the sticker with my label maker! The uncertainty and trying to remember was making me crazy.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I’m gonna be talking to him about coming off the Thorazine and the trileptal. I feel the 30mg of abilify and the 100mg of Zoloft are enough. Those are the two I get the most benefit from and seem to contribute more to my stability than the other two.

My pdoc wants me back on my Prestiq. I guess punching walls and bad anger and extreme mood swings isn't a good thing. I know its a really hard drug to get off of. But I was struggling badly for awhile and I was really trying to push through it. And my agoraphobia was getting really bad. He wants me back on the full dose so he must think my symptoms are pretty severe.

He looked over my tests and didn't say anything. So I guess my Geodon is ok. I need to pick up my iron pill this afternoon along with the prestiq.

Still wheezing and coughing up gunk despite inhalers and the prescriptions I’ve finished. Got a check up tomorrow morning as I’m not better. I’m needing the albuterol rescue inhaler way too often.

The dr at urgent care said I had rhonchi breath sounds. It’s because there are secretions in my airway. I can feel and hear them when I breathe. It sounds like snoring kinda.

@Blue_Bird Just be careful. You don't want to mess with what's working.

@June08 I know what you mean about feeling like therapy just isn't helping. That was the way it was with me. I went through at least a dozen therapists and didn't click with a single one and I didn't feel like I gained any insight I didn't already have on my own or that I could look up on the internet so what was the point? I know moving is very stressful, so take it easy on yourself. I hope today goes better than yesterday.

@Brentus Good job standing up for yourself! It's hard to do sometimes, but darn it, if a company doesn't treat you right, you should complain. H goes so far as to not only complain to the company but to also complain to the BBB (Better Business Bureau).

I hope everyone else is doing well. @raspberrytorte How are you doing?

I'm having a good day, got around 7.5 hr. sleep though I had around a 10-15 min. wake around 2:30 AM thanks to Pecan before falling back to sleep again. I took a power walk; ugh, no more nice cool weather! It felt so good to shower. I had some banana bread & my coffee, read with the SAD lamp. The SAD lamp is so weird for me. It's like if I don't use it by the afternoon, I'm really feeling it, and on the days I use it, most of the time (situational of course) I actually feel happy. I can honestly say this is the first time I've been able to feel happiness in probably 10 years, maybe longer. I've been depressed a lot or hypomanic or at best flat but not just happy, so it's nice I drew a couple of cat pictures and painted a melon with watercolor (all in the creative corner). The watercolor is rough, but I'm a novice; I honestly have not used watercolors since I was in kindergarten or first grade, something like that!

I hope everyone has a great day!

Gorgeous drawing @Blueberrybook!

I just realized today would’ve been my 30th anniversary had we not gotten divorced! That’s a long time to know someone!

My blood sugar is now 162. I haven't eaten anything too bad. Maybe bread is bad. I'm tired though. But my stomach is pretty much fine. I just took the first iron pill 45 minutes ago. I just bought a bottle of supplements. The pharmacist says its the same thing and the prescription was $11 for 15 pills and there were 6 refills.

How did it go @LadyShadow ?

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and realized I made a terrible mistake regarding my loxapine (I take seroquel and loxapine as my antipsychotics). We're weaning me off loxapine to see how I do, and I misunderstood her at my last appointment and thought she wanted me to go down A LOT more than she actually did. I was originally taking 50mg and I went down to 20mg, when she only wanted me down to 40mg!

Whoopsie.

This med is a ***** to get off of though, so there's no way I'm increasing my dose! Now she wants me on 30mg. Not happening lady.

(Obviously I didn't actually tell her about this little misunderstanding. She's a little Chinese lady who's hard to understand at times. And sometimes she has a hard time understanding me, so communication with her is difficult.)

Anyway, I've been pretty caught up in the Sleep Token universe for a while now. They just released their new album Even in Arcadia on the 9th, and since then I've been in Arcadia. I can't stop listening to this album. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm so excited to see them in September.

I've been pretty happy. Pretty anxious though. I told my psychiatrist today and all she said was, "The diazepam and gabapentin should be helping with that." And I was like, "Okay. Thanks." I should have asked her if there was anything we could do, but there really isn't. I already take 30mg of diazepam and DO NOT want to increase that dose and 800mg of gabapentin 4x a day. I'm on enough anti-anxiety meds to knock out a rhinoceros!

Finally getting my Sleep Token tattoo on Wednesday! I'm so excited!!! I've only been wanting it for over a year. It's going to be FANTASTIC.

Spring cleaning lately. Got rid of all my old writing shyt, like journals and notebooks and stuff. Pretty much the last 30 years of my life. I'm a new woman!!!!

Who's in Arcadia!

I've had a good day today. I even studied some psychopharmacology today! It's an interest of mine and I won't bore you with ALL the details, but I found this particularly interesting -- it's about alcohol. Most drugs hit multiple neuro-receptors, and a lot of associated behaviors/activities overlap but this is a distinct one where major roles can be seen. So with Alcohol, you're working on Glutamate (associated with learning and memory), GABA ( associated sedation and anti-anxiety) , Dopamine (associated with saliency(liking) , rewarding and reinforcing behaviors), and Opioid receptors (associated with pain and also reinforcement of behaviors).

Alcohol inihibts glutamate receptors (thus memory loss), excites GABA(a) receptors (thus leading to relaxation and anti-anxiety), excited dopamine (causing you you like the effects reinforces you to do it again), and excites opoid receptors (decreases pain but more importantly also reinforcement of behavior). --it's no wonder it's addictive, it's a quadruple threat there! Of course, this is just actue effects, chronic long term effects on these receptors are all very damaging!

Anyway, I'll leave it at that, I really hate to bore people with my posts. Change of subject -- I had a great time this weekend. Im glad I got to see my friend and he won't be in the country for like a month so that at least gives me a break for a while haha. I appreciate him very much and spending time with me and my family -- but it can be a lot.

@Blue_Bird

I wanted to say... for a while I was on both medicare and medicaid. I just lost my medicaid this year because we make too much now unfortunately. Anyway, so basically you're cool. You can be on both. 😊

@Blueberrybook

I know this was an old question, but I'm taking my full dose of diazepam (30mg) and only half my dose of seroquel (200mg). I've been doing the half seroquel thing at night for a while now. I started waking up in weird places after taking my full dose of seroquel, and I NEED to be able to have that time in early morning to work on shyt. My family distracts me the rest of the day! I didn't communicate this to my psychiatrist because it's hard communicating ANYTHING to her, and I'm fine, so I figured there was no point.

What a day! Thanks so much for cheering me on guys. @BeyondtheRainbow - The interview went so great! I basically talked to him for like an hour! We talked about EVERYTHING too, even our personal and our dating lives, lol. That's so strange, but we got along so well, like we were best friends for years, he was so easy to talk to! But down to business, we discussed pay, and I said I have medical insurance, (not disability because that would have been weird), that I can't make too much a month. I told him the total I was allowed and he wrote it down. I have to learn some things in Quickbooks too - I am going to brush up on it this week. NO MENTION of a background check, but I am still scared it might be coming. We will see. He has to run it by his CPA person on Saturday, and then we will go from there. But it is promising!

I had such a day though. I woke up, did some of my regular work, then went to Adoration to pray for a good outcome. Then went to Walmart and that was a whole thing because I spent over $100 and had a ton of stuff, ugh. Then came home, dressed up for the interview, went to the interview, then went to my Legion of Mary meeting, and then mass afterward. Today is a feast day for Our Lady Fatima.

I am so pooped! All I want to do is sit home and watch cartoons. LOL. But I feel really good, it was a productive day. Thanks so much you guys for cheering me on, I think this is going to go well!

My depression spending is out of control this week. TW: food/eating/appetite talk


After school, I received a rough parent email that made my anxiety go through the rough. I was able to get a few things done despite this, but then spent a good chunk of the evening laying under my weighted blanket. That helped a lot.

Only a week and a half of school left. That's wild to me.

SI wasn't to bad today, which is impressive since my anxiety got so bad. Just feeling depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed.

@LadyShadow It's wonderful that your interview went well! Nice job!

@Blueberrybook It's sad how hard it can be to find a good therapist. Also, it's great that you are able to experience happiness right now! I'm happy for you. :-)