[MuddyBoots]

She had very much a “wtf” reaction to my hospital discharge med list (I’m not going to be getting 40mg of valium a day anymore, for example).

Because I am still stabilized as a homeless horse and hallucinating enough to go nuts at times, she wants me to think about what I’m going to agree to go back on.

She literally sent me IP to get ECT because I cannot for the love of God find something that treats bipolar that’s effects are preferable to the symptoms. It’s not like I’ve tried 4 or 5 meds and think they all suck because I get a little tired and hungrier. I literally tried all 2nd gen APs, most 1st gens, all anticonvulsants used for bipolar (and some that aren’t!), lithium, and probably some crazy shyt that doesn’t even fall in any of those categories, have almost died from lithium, tegretol, invega, fanapt, and haldol, and probably would be dead or at least on a liver transplant list by now if I didn’t take myself off Depakote.

So I guess is how do I choose a med to take just to take a med when I can’t think of ANYTHING that has ever helped. I’m considering asking for Tegretol or lithium (crazy bad reaction to Tegretol but I don’t remember it and if I can be absent for the rest of my short life I’d be okay with that, and lithium will probably kill me in a month when I’m NOT struggling with my eating disorder because it’s hard to stay hydrated and with a good electrolyte balance if you’re peeing 8L a day

Possible trigger:

even if you aren’t currently fighting thoughts that you ate something bad for lunch that was not at all planned and now can’t eat until at least Sunday).

[MuddyBoots]

I wish I could completely quit treatment and fking live however the hell people did it before we got into small rooms and talked about all the ways we’re fked up, but I’d probably be less stressed and they won’t allow that. I’d be sent back to the hospital for even suggesting it.

[Nammu]

The way you fight everything suggests to me that half the side effects are you fighting anything that might work. You’ve no problem taking Ritalin or benzo s cause they can be abused and are in your mind cool drugs. It would be nice if you gave a bipolar drug half a chance. I’ve no idea what to suggest that would help you not fight so much, but gosh it must be exhausting to keep it up. Frankly I was surprised they didn’t section you into a state hospital.

[MuddyBoots]

You know what? Fk her. I’m not going to swallow any of that shyt they give me anymore. I don’t care if my nightmares come back or I get so emotionally dysregulated I get arrested or die or go back to the hospital or get evicted. They can inject all the valium they want, hit my bone again, sure, go ahead. I want pain, give me pain mofos. Keep me up all night every night, replace a benzo dose with bath salts, waterboard me, I’M FRIGGIN DOWN FOR SOME FUN! If I can’t physically hurt me, I can easy af get someone else to.

Coping skill: turn your traumas into kinks

I seriously have to get rid if the bipolar dx. I don’t disagree with it, but docs think I HAVE to be on Prolixin or Zyprexa or lamictal or something that is approved to stabilize mood. Doesnt matter IF IT ACTUALLY DOES or not!

[Victoria'smom]

What about the new one? Cobenfy

[Victoria'smom]

I agree with the sentiment. I don't want this chemical ****ery but if ana comes back my h gets really concerned and they will hospitalize me. I can't hide from it. I take meds for others not me. I take them because without them I'll be locked away and that's my biggest fear. I'm on injections because without that I wouldn't take the other medication. I'm in a situation where I don't want the injection exspecally the week I'm scheduled to get it. They're talking about getting a home health nurse to come and give it to me. I can act "normal" for the hr meeting 2 a week but I promised myself not to lie to her if she asks and she knows this.

[MuddyBoots]

I did fight the Adderall (and the benzos and the clonidine and the pantoprazole). If I wasn’t told I could go home if I took them, I would probably still be at that fking hospital telling them to fk off when calling me for meds. I probably wouldn’t be able to walk because my bones would have like 50 needle holes by now if it wasn’t for “I’ll take the meds and hide my self harm” weekend.

I don’t get how I can fight my way into getting diabetes insipidus or elevating my liver enzymes or anaphylaxis or delirium or passing out Yeah, I do fight “things that might work” if it’s not a deadly side effect too like akathisia because I kinda like sleeping at 1am more than pacing around going insane and getting worse hallucinations not less.

I’ll go to my next appt and tell her to take me off the Adderall and benzos because they’re addictive and I’m not living a junkie life anymore. I’ll stop the clonidine too, to make sure that without the Adderall my bp doesnt go too low. Might as well not take pantoprazole either just so I don’t have to pay some shytty pharmacy (and definitely get osteoporosis later too).

I was in the state hospital until Monday after I controlled myself a couple days. IEAs only last 10 days here before they have to do more court shyt to extend them anyway, and they were feeling pretty hopeless about my case by the weekend anyway so it’s not like they really would do different. Just continue restraining and injecting. Not exhausting at all. The only exhausting part is feeling like I can’t do anything because if I’m not at this address 9am every day, miss a phone call, forget an appointment, leave my apartment when they show up for some meeting way early or way late and get thrown in a cop car and have to spend time in that fking ER dungeon.

You know, I agree with the docs. I am hopeless. There isnt shyt they can do but hurt me more.

[Victoria'smom]

Is there anything we can do to help? I don't feel your hopeless I think like me you got a bunch of ****** Drs that don't see you nearly enough.

[MuddyBoots]

It’s not even me that gets hurt, I don’t even consider myself a real person at this point. My memory is crap, I am just as pissed anywhere as anywhere, I don’t realize where I am a good portion of the day, and trying to “be better” just ends up feeling shytty when I assume being better will lead to tolerating life, but I don’t kniw, maybe I just haven’t done it for a long enough time because it’s Fking IMPOSSIBLE to do that day in and day out and ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET OUT OF THIS BODY AND OFF THIS PLANET.

Sure, it might traumatize anyone that cares about me, that happens when you get tased in front of your Grandma, yeah, but she’s dead now and probably doesn’t think about it now that nothings left of her but some ashes at the Veterans Cemetery. My mom probably gets ashamed if people ask about me, that probably sucks for her.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Is there anything we can do to help? I don't feel your hopeless I think like me you got a bunch of ****** Drs that don't see you nearly enough.

You guys should ban me from this forum so I stop bothering people here.

[Nammu]

Maybe look up oppositional defiant disorder in adults. Everything you just wrote in your response fits that.

You are not hopeless but you have to want to change, nobody can do that for you.

[Victoria'smom]

Your not bothering people I understand wanting off the planet.

[MuddyBoots]

I do want to change. From living to not. Would improve my quality of life and probably many others.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Maybe look up oppositional defiant disorder in adults. Everything you just wrote in your response fits that.

You are not hopeless but you have to want to change, nobody can do that for you.

Another label from a book of fked up-ness? Cool! Maybe I’ll get a record for most acronyms on my psychiatric diagnosis list!

I probably will just ask to go back on lithium and hope my pdoc forgot I’m not supposed to take it next time though. She’d probably put me back on topiramate too though, that would probably help me starve to death really soon and it’s not even on my allergy list so J could get away with that from the pharmacy too (if rhey even check, doubt it).

[Victoria'smom]

Please don't get on anything that will damage your body more.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Please don't get on anything that will damage your body more.

That’s almost everything they prescribe. I can get off everything then.

[Victoria'smom]

I know just be careful.

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah, wouldn’t want anything bad to happen right?

[Victoria'smom]

You'd be missed. If anything happened. But same.

[bizi]

Why not try lamictal. It is a first line medication that has been tested for effectiveness. It helps with the highs and lows.
Bizi

[MuddyBoots]

And back to the “only willing to take benzos/stimulants” it’s not like I hold a gun to their heads and tell them to prescribe the shyt. They prescribe something, next appointment see if I am about to go ballistic or if I feel the same or better. If I say “I’ve averaged 30,000 steps a day since starting the Seroquel and a lot of those are middle of the night and if I can’t get a rest day soon I’m gonna lose it,” they stop the Seroquel. I haven’t had had things to say about Ritalin when I was on it other than “I don’t like drinking anymore because I never feel drunk,” which wasnt the most concerning thing in the world I guess. I guess I can say Adderall makes me not stress over not eating as much. Not like I never had an issue with eating the decade before starting it or anything though.

But yeah, I do need to change. I’ll become a submissive slave to whoever tf wants. If my case manager says I should go hiking when the wind in the mountains is over 100mph (after I tell her about how I’m limping just to get my meds), I’ll go so I can say I was compliant for once. If my pdoc says I shouldn’t be alone right now, I can find someone to take over all the harming myself I do. Hell, maybe I won’t have to kill myself to die. I just have to get over the constant HATE of feeling controlled. But I can take my own advice and turn it into a kink. I think I have already, that’s why I keep making them file IEAs and pin me to the floor to drug me. I probably wasn’t med compliant because I didn’t want to take something that increased SI, I WANTED to make sure if I wasn’t good the police would come and drag me away, and I might fight back but I probably get off on it. Those moments are my reason for living, yeah. Maybe I’ll go find that porn guy again and tell him I’ll do some REALLY fked up stuff you can’t find too many women willing to do.

I don’t know. I’ll probably go to bed and wake up grateful to live here and for my neighbors and eat my breakfast and be okay until I see my med person then I should probably isolate to cope with the HI safely.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by bizi

Why not try lamictal. It is a first line medication that has been tested for effectiveness. It helps with the highs and lows.
Bizi

Been on it a lot of times. It just doesn’t do much other than blur my vision. I guess I can take it just to make her happy that the bipolar patient is on a bipolar med. That’s one that doesn’t really cause damage I guess

[Crazy Hitch]

Lamictal was good for my highs. Not as great for my lows.

[Victoria'smom]

I can't take lamictal because I'm "non compliant"

[MuddyBoots]

I’m sorry guys. Idk wtf was up with me last night. I know I was pissed from my appointment and an unexpected going out to lunch with my mom and eating “bad food,” and super worried about fking up a friendship I’ve managed to maintain for a few years now (felt ghosted, but she has AvPD and a hard time with not wanting to respond to messages quickly and seeming needy/clingy/overwhelming or not saying the perfect thing. I heard back now after a wicked long walk and things feel more settled there too.)

My normally on Tuesday therapy got rescheduled to next Friday though, so that’s cool.
—

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Is there anything we can do to help? I don't feel your hopeless I think like me you got a bunch of ****** Drs that don't see you nearly enough.

I know I’ve been kinda horrible lately (obviously), do you guys think next time I do this shyt you can suggest using TIPP, opposite action, laying down and just resting, the ACCEPTS and IMPROVE skills, and practicing radical acceptance and willingness, or reaching out to someone I talk to irl? (It’d honestly be better to word it as a question like “would TIP or trying to turn towards a more willing mind or opposite action help?”)

Feel free to tell me I’m not in a state I’m helping anyone INCLUDING myself by being online at the time and have to find some real way to work through it, too.