[MuddyBoots]

I was right I guess about a specific BMI/weight being my pdoc’s cut off because yesterday I had an IEA filled out. I went to the ER, eloped because in the waiting room the team member with me said he had to leave so I left too, police found me and brought me back in handcuffs, they did an EKG that just said I had some shortened wave that I looked up and “is common in athletes and people with PTSD having fight-flight reactions” (and can be genetic). Blood work was fine (I had time to go home where I ate everything that would’ve gone bad over the next two weeks before my doc filled the paperwork which caused an insane amount of pain so threw up just until it didn’t hurt and ended up with I guess nothing crazy in my bloodwork).

They didn’t even weigh me and put some BS number down so they couldn’t even say I was dangerously underweight. Like, ended in a 5, no decimal, could tell it was “we’re done with these BS IEA’s” right there.

The IEA didn’t mention shyt about my eating other than binging/purging and I’m like “yeah, I did that twice recently—when my therapist no called/no showed and when I got threatened to be hospitalized.” It referenced stuff the ER KNOWS is essentially my baseline, non-emergency for me stuff, and stuff that happened BEFORE I was last on an IEA.

So, yeah, I spent yesterday on the run, the night thinking about how I’ll die when I get out of the state hospital because I cannot tolerate one more inpatient stay, and today coming home and cleaning up.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so sorry yesterday was rough. Please try to rest and partake in self care. When do you see your team again?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

I'm so sorry yesterday was rough. Please try to rest and partake in self care. When do you see your team again?

I'm supposed to get meds from someone this morning. Talk to my CM Monday. Pdoc about two weeks. Therapist Friday I think?

[MuddyBoots]

This morning was a little bit more in depth a talk than the normal Saturday med pick up. They're going to weigh me regularly from now on (I told them they were supposed to be doing that for over a month now and got weighed twice--one the day after I got weighed at a pdoc appointment and the other the day before they tried IEA'ing me but did a crap job at persuading the ER psych evaluators who know me probably better than my actual outpatient pdoc, so the ER threw it out).

She got a little pissed at this because, yeah, people's weight fluctuates throughout the day, throughout the week, throughout my until recently non-cyclical menstrual "cycle," etc so of course I'm going to weigh less on a Wednesday in the middle of a heat wave in shorts and crocs I couldn't sleep and felt cabin-fever-ish so watched sunrise from a hill than on a cold, rainy day with soggy socks and sneakers, and a hoodie, so they need to get their shyt together too. They said they will do another IEA if I don't gain weight though. She said my pdoc is also out next week and will still see me when our appointment was scheduled.

I think I'm going to ask to be taken completely off the diazepam. I've really only taken it when they give me several days at once and even then it's like I take 6 of them in a few hours or a few minutes and then I don't feel anything until like 2 days later and I'm wondering why I'm tired that day then "oh, why is this even my PRN for insomnia and agitation if it takes over 40 hours to kick in?" Might not even be "kicking in" just me tired and unfocused from not sleeping.

Also thinking of getting off the Adderall. That's gonna suck if I can't find something non-stimulant-y that works. I'm thinking about asking about Strattera? I already know Wellbutrin makes manic, anxious, AND not eat when I took it not already struggling with symptoms of all that (a step in the wrong direction if you ask me), and clonidine I know is great for night time PTSD/panic and sleep obviously helps me out, but makes my heart come to a near stop (why I'm not really looking into trying guanfacine, which also says it's only used off-label in adults).

I mean, yeah, Adderall isn't really helping me eat. It's helping me know it's time to eat and then sometimes I do, but I'm probably averaging as much as when I was in constant thought tornado mode and basically was doing OMAD but it'd be like 2am and I'd realize I didn't eat and just went wild on melted swiss cheese and sriracha ketchup every night (I had a phase I went through like 3lbs of swiss cheese every week because I'd forget eating was a thing I had to do because of course it'd be more important to know the weather on Mt. Washington where it is not far but far from representative of right here and where I did not plan on going to in any time frame a forecast would be accurate (not that even just a 4 hour future forecast is reliable)) until 2am when the only thing that appealed to me was melting swiss cheese and mixing in sriracha ketchup).

Idk, they literally saw my fight-flight reaction from being in the ER on an EKG (I looked up the arrhythmia and it can be from being a badass athlete, being in fight/flight, or genetic, and I don't think I'm a badass athlete and they've never seen that before--not that any of my EKGs have been in the ER I've bruised over a quarter of my body from not wanting to be touched and being touched and nurses not appreciating my unplanned gut reaction.) so I don't really want to go back to the hospital. I might get my own scale (something more accurate than the $10 POS from Ocean State) and learn to manipulate it so I don't go to the hospital and kick up the SI from passive/fleeting/"when this takes me, it takes me"/occasional short urges to act now, to 24/7, constant, and with solid intent and thoroughly thought out plan again.

---

I am going to say I almost never call/feel the need to call emergency lines on holidays if I don't see/talk to my treatment team or my mom. People that (are supposed to act like and are at least 15% of the time not the worst actors I've ever come across) they care are triggers I guess.