Bipolar Check-In #91

I had a colonoscopy last November inpatient and the nurse put the prep on ice. Really helped with the nasty flavor!

I have dark urine and dry itchy eyes. I'm guessing I'm pretty dehydrated. Not sure how dangerous this is or if I can just sleep it off.

@Moose72 thanks! I'll try that. I need to pack straws too; I remember that helped the last time. This time I'm taking a cooler since I have Monday evening and all Tuesday on clear fluids and I want them to be cold. They won't all fit in the little fridge in the room. So I"ll have a way to ice the prep this time. Last time I couldn't get it very cold. I don't think the jug of stuff even fits in the hotel fridge.

Last year I had an edoscopy and then a colonoscopy a few days later. It wasn't very fun to go under twice in 4 days. I was freaking out about not beIng clear but the doc ended up being able to see all the way to my appendix.

I am having the colonosocpy and endoscopy done at the same time which is also what I did last time. 4 days apart sounds really hard on the body.

Glad you got a good prep @Mountaindewed I don't think mine was terrible, just the last few inches weren't as clear as they wanted. But this time if willpower can do it it will be clear! (Actually gabapentin apparently really slows down digestion so a poor prep is possible still.)My instructional stuff said to tell your provider if you were on gabapentin but my provider just said to talk to the anesthesiologist about it. So I don't know. I'll know soon I guess.

The next event at the Baha'i center is on Friday, August 1, in twelve days so i'll just go to that and likely see my friend there. I'm not gonna arrange a private social engagement for us. That would be too much like pursuing him. Guys tend to see sexual interest where none exists and i don't want to get into THAT again.

It's better this way because i don't have to make a commitment. It's something i want to attend even if my friend is NOT there. If he is there, fine. If not, nothing is lost.

It was so heavy between us today. I don't want that again. We might know too much about each other now to have a casual, carefree, lighthearted friendship.

I feel sort of excited to have met my equal, yet i sort of dread it too. I thought i DESIRED intimate personal connection, but now that it's here, i am not so sure. Maybe i only desire IMPERSONAL experiences.

I guess i'm scared.

I wanted to do both at one time but my mom said "they can't stick it up and down at the same time". Lol.

@BeyondtheRainbow - I had a colonscopy and endoscopy before...It happened when I got severely anemic with pica with no obvious cause, so the GI doc did those along with the barium swallow to rule out GI issues. No cause was ever found for the anemia, and other doctors tested all sorts of other stuff. I had to get iron infusions a couple of times that year & the following year, but after that while I've had borderline low iron, I've never been that badly anemic again. I'm having an endoscopy as well this time since I've had some issues with swallowing, just to be sure the hiatal hernia hasn't worsened or something else isn't going on. This time the colonscopy is because the GI doc had noted he wanted the next one done in 5 years, and it's been that now.

Dr. Google and Gemini say I need to seek medical help for dehydration.

I'll be ok.

MAN my class were AWFUL. It was the first lesson on the first day back of term and they were FERAL. Even the assistant principal came in twice to pull them up on the level of noise. Which was fine whilst he was in the room but the moment he left they just resorted back to the same level of noise.

I'm not gonna worry about the friend today. He's longtime platonic non-romantic common-law with another woman anyways. He's not even available. He's not pursuing me, so there's no decision to make. He's my age, and safe and comfortable in his relationship. It's very unlikely that he'd do anything to upset it at this age.

There's not that much for me to gain in an intimate relationship, and everything to lose. I don't want to know any more about him than i already do. I already know too much. It just happened today. We were chatting about furniture and suddenly, out of nowhere, we were connecting. No one's fault, it was just spontaneous, these things happen. The hazards of socializing.

I won't go to the Baha'i event. I don't want to see him. I'll just avoid him. In the extremely unlikely event that he calls i won't answer.

It's for the best.

There's this urge to cry, but it will pass. Somewhere along the line, these past thirty years, i got tough. I never thought i'd be tough, but here it is. Ruthless. Only the vicious survive.

Moose, my mother would absolutely rise up from the dead if my apartment ever looked as good as your new bed / bedroom does! Tell her to come over here and nag somebody who really needs it! And she should bring a dustmop!

Thanks for letting me vent guys. I wonder if there's a way for my gp to write a letter stating that due to medical reasons I can't teach that class for 2 weeks? I dunno. Panic attacks / anxiety ... whatever you name it.

@Crazy Hitch

I'm so sorry to hear about how horrible your class was. That really sucks.

I feel like my benzo dose needs to be higher when I enter that class. I'll talk to my gp about it when I see her on Thursday.

I finally dyed my hair today and amazingly enough didn't make as big of a mess as I usually do. I was quite proud of myself! Normally I get black hair dye all over the place.

Not looking forward to my ultrasound tomorrow.

I took a nap and woke up anxious as *beep*, but I took two CBD gummies and now I'm cool as a cucumber. 😊 It's great. Love this stuff.

Didn't get any writing done. I'm just so damn TIRED. Like my BRAIN is tired. I don't know how to explain it. It sucks though. I can barely type in my journal. I don't know what's WRONG with me! I DID pick up my notebook though at least and write one idea down, and then I got mentally exhausted and took my nap. What the fudge man. This is getting pathetic.

I think I need to go back to my GP and have my iron levels checked again. I'm starting to feel exhausted from doing simple chores around the house again. She (and my ob/gyn) did say my levels were still a little low. I don't know what can be done.

All my angst over that guy ("P") today has passed. I like this other guy better ("R"). He's more fun and lighthearted. He's got an issue now so i'm giving him his space. I'm just hanging in there with him, being nice and friendly and supportive. He'll sort himself out eventually. He's more gregarious and streetwise, like me. He's also three years younger. He's handsome when his iron hair is long and his beard grown in. He got himself scalped for the Summer, so he doesn't look so hot right now, but it will grow back. He's so fun!!! Like a comic book character! A very strong inner child! Like me!

I just want to have a good time. I don't want to talk intimately and question mightily and find God. That's what P is into. Yikes!

Have gotten back into studying Latin and Greek. Been having a blast with chatGPT. It’s really incredible what it can do. I’ve created fully fledged personas to emulate with backstory family and the like. Every piece is carefully selected and nuances are considered such as location, time period, naming, customs etc. it really elevates the fun of learning again I’ve started journal entires for my characters to practice writing.

Also, chatGPT created some portaits based off my actual photo of my personas. So, I want you to meet Brentus Laberius Rufus (Brentus Laberius , the redhead) and Βρέντης Ἀντιφῶντος Ἐρχιεύς (Brentes, son of Antiphon, of Erchia)

Let’s see if you can figure out who is who by looking at the images!

@Brentus I think the first is Rufus and the second is Brentes but I'm mostly guessing

100% I mean it’s AI so it’s rather generic looking but it does the trick!

It's neat you can do that. I wish my non-bio dad were still alive. He was "morphing" photos long before photoshop existed and he would have spent many hours playing with and loving AI. I can only imagine the trouble he could whip up on there.

I'm way too anxious to get to sleep. I'm also getting hungry. I just need to drink a lot but I am going to miss food between now lunch Wednesday. I also would not know I was hungry if I just fell asleep.

At least this time if they tell me that I should go get pancakes I know McDonalds doesn't do them late anymore. When I had my first one they told me that as I got out early but I couldn't find pancakes and of courses that was all I wanted by then.

I can't remember the other thing I got on here to say! And I know it wasn't whining about being hungry.

I arrived home Sunday from what we thought would be a relatively uneventful 2 hour operation on my fractures Friday. I’ve had a challenge on and off with unfavorable oxygen saturation readings and I have a pulmonary function test in early August set up for that. From my understanding, it started dropping and caused much concern. Glad I was out for that. When I came too, they tried everything in their bag of tricks to get it into the 90’s percentile wise and decided to keep me until it was consistently stable. Aaarrrgggh! It’s a new hospital and I was pleasantly surprised when I ordered an omelet for each breakfast which I picked out ingredients for. So fresh, tasty and hot. All of the food was great including the bourbon glazed salmon dinner my sister brought from Cheddars. My favorite. I can already tell the surgery was successful. It feels so much better.

The head anesthesiologist said I have some underlying disease or disorder of the pulmonary system and the function test will be important. I agree. Clueless as to what it could be though.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

@Sunflower123: Good to see you back! How have you been? Glad your surgery went well. Hope you get to the bottom of your pulmonary issues. I might get into some spiritual self-development. You used to do that, no?

@Brentus: That's so neat about your ChatGPT. You're so cool!

I haven't got the okay from the dr yet.to leave and I leave Wednesday. My mom is getting upset I'm not getting a large service dog. I tried explaining I don't want a large dog because I can't take care of them on my own. She says H needs to step up. Then it's an ESA No still a service dog just smaller and not for mobility. She was even saying that $400 for a mutt is to much when I brought up that pounds cost $400+. she said it was my area I showered her her area. Plus they're all pitts .I have no problem with pitts but my complex does. Which means she may pull her financial support which is unfair but they've broken so many financial promises lately because my sisters actually need help with basic needs. I'm so worried when my parents pass. I'm the most stable in my family. That's why I need to finish school and get a job.