Bipolar Check-In #92

My ex husband used to be a music therapist. Nobody seems to want them lately though so he’s working at a church in the office now.

I went to bingo and won once. I got this gnome thing. Though as soon as I got back up to my apartment I started dissociating severely so idk if it was a mistake to go. I feel horrendously bad right now, I’m dissociating so severely and having a panic attack on top of it. I hate ptsd sometimes I feel like it’ll never improve.

@Blue Bird how are your aches and pains today?

Hey thanks for asking, they’re a lot better. I’m not sure if it was PMS or what but I feel better today in terms of that. I took ibuprofen last night and it stopped it and after that I haven’t felt it again

First three days of school are in the books. I had to lay down the law with one of my classes, and I had an incident with a coworker who has become very combative with people this year, but it was a good day otherwise. A student gave me a really sweet gift-a plush apple with a smiley face on it. It's really cute.

My mood is lower than its baseline low though. My irritability is up and SI is a little worse than it has been the last week or so. I'm really not finding joy or excitement in anything, and haven't been for awhile. I just want to sleep my life away or drink my weight in caffeine and doom scroll.

Hope you're feeling better @Blue_Bird - I hope the painting with your friend helped you feel better.

I am in really good spirits. I actually stayed in bed till 1pm today, which is very unlike me, but I felt it was needed. I laid there and spoke to God and just closed my eyes and rested for once. It felt really amazing. Then I had my job testing session at 2pm - I was testing a new way to follow events at the Olympics - it was really interesting. I might actually watch the Olympics next year; it will be in Milan.

Going to take it easy and relax today. It's going to be a busy weekend. Going to have Mexican with my sci-fi group friend, then visit my otherfriend in her new apartment afterwards thankfully it's all in the same town - then I am going to try and make it home and have a video chat with my penpal from Poland, but I might not make it back in time. Then Sunday is mass, my Legion visit, where i am going to ask the lady about the jail ministry she used to do, and then a day at my parents. I still have so much food left over from last week.

But for today, its just a relaxing evening with my Xena show, hopefully I get a call from my guy tonight, if not there is always my best friend from NY to talk to - hope everyone has a great evening!

Morning! I woke up at 6:00am. What a relief to not wake up at 4:00am! Taking my son to swimming lessons then have to go to the pharmacy then taking my son to choose a toy. I promised him a nice toy today if he swallowed his Ritalin capsules. They’re really big for a 6 year old. But it’s Ritalin LA. He used to have Ritalin short acting tablets that I used to cut up into smaller pieces so he could swallow them. Shame I had to take him for a Vitamin B12 shot yesterday and all I can say is the needle was HUGE. He cried. Poor boy. He said it was sore. He didn’t even cry when he had his blood test so it must’ve been painful. He has to go again tomorrow for a repeat shot and then on Tuesday. It’s because he refuses to eat fruit and vegetables. Poor bugger. He has avoidant restrictive eating disorder. It’s extremely difficult to live with and his paediatrician says it’s extremely hard to treat.

Hugs June08 , I hope you feel better soon. That’s nice that your student gave you a plush , that’s really sweet

That’s difficult with the eating disorder, sorry he has to deal with that. I hope he finds a good toy

Thanks @LadyShadow , painting did help a bit. But afterwards I went right back to dissociating. So I think I’m gonna reschedule my sisters visit for another day instead of tomorrow since I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

Glad you’re doing well! Sounds like you have a fun weekend planned

I'm just a spaced out slug listening to music today. For once I'm not in the retail therapy mood. Idk. I'm just tired again.

I made that shopping list my mom had me make. The grocery order with legit food. Not sure when I"ll place it.

Well day four of work went ok. A little confused by some training I did. Ok a lot confused. Most people are very nice though. I have my own office. When I finish decorating I’ll post a pic. I bought a few finishing touches at hobby lobby earlier

Therapy brought a bunch of stuff up, now my head is spinning. I want to tell him x wasn't that bad compared to ABCD but I have to wait until Tuesday.

I need to grocery shop. I feel like I just was there but the telltale sign is that I’m outta milk!

I’m doing my weekly grocery shopping this afternoon. I do it every Saturday. Usually I forget something and have to pop in the store on a Sunday to pick it up. So frustrating.

I had to get a new Part D provider this year because my previous one went under. I wound up going from a very expensive plan to the cheapest one because it was the only one that covered clozapine. I was really wary of the whole thing since I had to use mail order and I wasn't sure what to expect from such a cheap plan when I was used to the expensive one.

It wasn't too bad; clozapine was $70/month and everything else was pretty much free from mail order. Then last month clozapine came down to $11/month. I assumed this was because of the end of the monitoring program. I started another med for constipation a few months ago and it was $100/3 months then. It just refilled at $30/3 months. I don't understand this but I'll happily take it. $20/month plus my low premium is amazing and mail order is good now that I'm used to it. I wish they did clozapine so I didn't have to go to any pharmacies but once a month is nothing compared to my prior plan when I was in there at least weekly.

This made it a good day. All I have to do this evening is get my nieces' birthday cards together and add money. Easy enough.

I called my gastro doctor and got the message box. I haven't gotten my blood work back from my kidney doctor. He ordered a CBT I think, because they took 4 virals. I've just been really spaced out all day. I finally ate a prepackaged salad for dinner. I don't think anything is wrong. I'm just in a funk.

I didn't do anything besides get my blood drawn. I watched a bit of South Park. Idl

I can’t believe my grandkids start school in two weeks! It’s still summer. They are closing the pool this weekend because the kids are going back to school. The heat and humidity are still horrible. I pretty much don’t leave my building because of heat. I want to get to the library but the car would be an inferno. My meds and heat don’t mix.

I shop once a week. What I forget I do without until next week. But I’m the product of parents from the depression. Plus growing up in the countryside. Yah just made do.

im feeling overwhelmed. i have so much to leanr and feel the new kid in school role so huge right now at work. i work 8;30-4:30 and get lunch for free from the kithcen there. its a rehab/recovery center. at least its healthy food and i dont get sick like when i was in IP years ago bc all their food was fried. overall things are gogin well but im still training. its exhausting. i called to end SSDI. i make too much and work too much and its time. im grateful for the little bit of financial secuirity i had all thise years before getting a good job. no shame to be on SSDI when you need it.

to be honest the trainings on domestic violence are bringing up feelings from my trauma of my childhood. i need to see my t. i cant for another month until i get paid bc i wont have insurance for 90 days and he doesnt accept my new insurance. he did say hed see me for a smaller fee of $150 instead of $175 so im gonna see him monthly once i start getting paid. its alot to handle right now on my own without his support.

through work i am getting DBT certifiied through marsha linehans psychwire program/. the whole center is dbt based whihc i love!! im excited to revisit the skills. overall im ok. certainly sleeping again as i started taking higher dose of melatonin and been staring at a computer screen for 4 days!!!

It was a strange day. R, the man i had a fiasco with earlier this year, was oddly friendly to me in the dog park, in front of others. I'm stable enough that i am not unrealistic about it. He's doing his one year of sobriety. Perhaps he is all-over-the-place. I had a nice time fixing up my home. Every day, a little more organized. Not depressed or grieving but definitely subdued which is fine, i am comfortable with that.

I had telehealth therapy at 9 this morning. I immediately fell back to sleep after therapy and slept until 3 in the afternoon. That’s a rarity for me.

There is water on about 25% of my laundry room's floor. I have no idea why. It looks like it may be coming from the heat pump but I can't tell. I finally went ahead and put things in the dryer. I hope that's not a bad mistake although I don't know why it would be. I'm just puzzled where the water is coming from and why.

Another time to hate having my mom as landlord. It's much easier to expect someone you don't know to pay for repairs.

Food and GI stuff


I have my weights and ab roller on one side of my bed. My mini stair step in front of the door. My bosu ball in front of my bed. And my big yoga ball on the other side of the bed with workout stuff I don't use. My bed is full of spilled caffeine pills and other stuff.

But its not what it looks like.

I hope I don't have any werid dreams or coughing fits.

Does anyone feel like something might happen soon?

Halliebeth thats great about getting the linehan certification! And also the healthy lunches!

Went to bed at 8 woke up at 3:50 today's going to be a long day.