Bipolar Check-In #92

@Crazy Hitch: I'm on Clonazepam.

Is nyx your new service dog?

Do people really get super manic to the point they black out? I've never heard of that. I get moody but mainly in the mornings. I really just have anxiety and depression. My pdoc doesnt ask about bipolar but all my therapists in the last 10 years have questioned it.

I was last in the psych hospital over 10 years ago. I went to a day program for a year and then I worked and traveled from 2016-2020. Then covid and other stuff happened and then I started having physical issues feb 2024.

Not sure why I didn't apply to work in 2022. I applied in 2023 but no one got back to me and I did have a remote interview at Target.

@Mountaindewed blacking out in mania is pretty common I think. I have very few memories of my more severe manias and my therapist and pdoc both have told me I should just be glad of that. I take that to mean I was not myself and probably did and said things I'd regret if I knew.

Yes, She still has 2 years of learning before coming out of training. She'll have 2x a month of private training.

I had a therapy appointment today and then my mom and I went to Costco for the first time ever. We liked it and will be going back soon. It's just too bad that we have to drive an hour to get there. But that's life in the country.

I need to go buy some novelty candy of some kind for my niece and get some money out and then I'll be birthday prepared. I'll have to wrap but I think the worst is over.

It seems like I had something else I wanted to say when I started writing this but I have no idea what it was. Oh, I know! I nearly made a very bad med error. I take a huge handful of pills (3 mouthfuls) at 8:30 and then sometime between 10-11 I take another 8 pills. Tonight at 10 when I started to get my meds out I had dumped tomorrow's 8:30 meds into my hand and almost took them. I was saved from feeling crappy for several days so I'm very glad that worked out as it did. I already have had 2 big pill errors this summer. No more.

Goodnight/good day to all!

@Mountaindewed

I had a really bad manic episode ten years ago now. I'm both happy and pissed I didn't black out during it because I did a terrible thing, but I also had the most intensely euphoric night of my entire life. And I would rather not forget that intensely euphoric night because I've never felt that way since (and had never prior).

Now I have no clue if I'm bipolar

I do have a dumb fuk night cold

@raspberrytorte: Yeah, the euphoria is intoxicating and hard to forego. It's such a weird illness. Why would we go to a doctor and say, "I feel really good. Make it stop." Of course we want to enjoy feeling good! It's natural. It's just that the crash that follows is so unpleasant. Bipolar: It's not ALL bad!

@Mountaindewed have you ever had a hypomanic episode? You never describe anything like it. I guess we don't all; I haven't had much hypo, much less mania, for a few years. So I guess I don't talk about it a lot. But I definitely have had those episodes in the past and probably will in the future (although I certainly hope not).

@BeyondtheRainbow: Yeah, it's easy to make mistakes with meds. We take them every darn day so it's hard to be mindful of something that's so automatic. I find using a pillbox helpful but i don't always have the discipline to fill it. The other day i was so zoned out when i took my meds i couldn't remember if i'd taken them. I tried and tried to sleep but about three o'clock in the morning i still had insomnia and took them.

Then i got akathisia and formication, so apparently i HAD taken them and just forgot. It was a wretched night and i've redoubled my effort to be mindful when i take my meds, even talking myself thru the process, and trying to note what is different each night, if i line the bottles up perfectly on the first try, etc. I use a collection of brightly-colored travel bottles in different shapes, so it's actually a pleasure to take them, but i must guard against zoning out.

@Mountaindewed: I just bought a mattress from Wayfair that i feel will improve my sleep troubles. Thanks for bringing forth the idea. It really helps to have a young person here who is in tune with all the new products. I tried Vanilla Cream Coke and it was MARVELOUS!!!

Yeah, even now years later I can recall the euphoria very warmly, not the insane blackout mania but the highly intoxicating euphoria that comes first. That’s hard to give up in stabilizing your life. For me it was always a slow build up, of increasing energy, colors and narcissism. I got very irritating to those around me until I went into the crazy mania then I’d crash. My home was a disaster with a million things started and not finished then in my depression I was too desolate to clean up. It was the depression I sought help for.

@Blue_Bird: That's wonderful news about your fame! Good for you! You're becoming a celebrity! We will say, we knew you when!

@Nammu: I am glad to hear that i am not the only one who gets the narcissism! I think i am the greatest artist in the world! Then i come down and see it was all amateurish sshhiitt. Yeah, i only seek help for the depression too. The hypomania is fine with me, except for the sleep deprivation and flakiness, but i seem to have a sense of humor about being awake for 46.5 hours at a time nonetheless.

My home gets chaotic too. I had to have a cleaning lady in recently, my episode was so intense. My bedroom was piled a meter high with junk. I had to crawl to my bed. Everything i owned was on the floor. I had to wade thru the hallway and kitchen. It took the cleaning lady ten hours over three days to clean up.

I am overjoyed to have a clean orderly home again. The mobile crisis team hooked me up with this extraordinary cleaning lady. If nothing else, it was worth it to connect with them just for that. And now i know the cleaning lady is available if my home ever gets out of control again. And i won't wait seven months next time!

@BeyondtheRainbow I have a kinda dumb question. But what excatly is a hypomanic episode?

Hypomania is a less severe form of mania, characterized by elevated mood, increased energy, and changes in behaviour, but without the severe impairment of daily functioning associated with mania. Common symptoms include feeling extremely happy or excited, increased self-esteem, more talkative than usual, racing thoughts, being easily distracted, and engaging in risky behaviours.

Thanks google!

I’ve always used Trazedone for sleep. But now I can’t because it makes my COPD worse. I’m thinking of taking melatonin instead. We’ll see. I’m getting my breathing under control, but the insomnia has become a big problem. It’s 2 am and still wide awake w/no caffeine. My wife just gave me one of her melatonins, we’ll see. Probably because of lack of sleep, I’m fairly moody and feeling down. Today was a quiet one and I retreated to my room. I’m sick of my room, but I’m too anxious to sit in living room or go out.