Bipolar disorder + affairs: how often does this occur?

My wife was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, and we've just survived a horrific half-year (two suicide attempts, physical violence, an emotional and sexual online affair, voluntary and involuntary hospitalization, all painfully detailed in this PsychCentral thread). She's likely been bipolar for over a decade but she was badly misdiagnosed.

Her moods are much less extreme and she's no longer dangerous now that she's on new medication, and for the most part she tells me and shows me how much she loves me. And I believe her. But she's displaying obsessive behaviour I don't understand.

She had a serious online affair with a guy in the UK (we're in Canada) she met through Facebook. I found out about it via her e-mails on our home computer. When she was released from the psychiatric hospital in May, we both decided to put the past behind us and start over with a clean slate. Then I found out she was text-messaging him (650+ messages over a four-week period). I confronted her, and she was terrified she had ruined her fresh start and that I'd hate her. She said she wants me, but she gets confused and can't help messaging this guy. I made her promise to cut off all contact with him and she agreed. But now she's sending him e-mails again. She tells him she's breaking up with him. But then she tells him to call her. Then she says she misses having him in her life. She's acting like a cyber-stalker.

What I don't understand is that she knew I’d eventually find the text messages because our wireless bill was three times bigger than usual. And I’m sure she knows I’m likely watching her computer use. And this guy is 4200 miles away and inaccessible to her. It’s like she’s knowingly sabotaging both our relationship and her affair.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of contradictory, self-destructive adulterous behaviour with bipolar disorder?

Hi gordian knot

Grandiose thinking/actions can be part of the mania of bipolar disorder. Sounds like your wife is taking her medication, which is great. Has she started seeing a therapist yet? I think its so important to be able to talk to a counselor especially when newly diagnosed.

Sorry things aren't back to "normal" yet. Please continue to visit PC for support. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions or concerns.

Take care,

Dee

Dear gordian_knot,

I am so sorry to hear about this. It must be terribly difficult to deal with.
I am almost too afraid to respond to this post because I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I don't want to offend by saying the wrong thing. I'll try...

I would like to start off by saying that I don't think it is right for someone to use Bipolar Disorder as an excuse to justify any behavior. People still know the difference between right and wrong. Choosing between right and wrong might be more difficult, but the option is still there.

It is very commendable of you to give your wife a second chance and wipe the slate clean. I don't think her affair and related behaviors occur because she isn't receiving the right kind of attention from you. I think she just craves additional attention in a new way. The idea of romantic attention from a stranger is quite appealing to some. This fills the void she feels. There are other ways to fill this void but this is what she has chosen thus far.

I know from meeting with Bipolar folks that this void can be filled with something to break the usual routine. It can be as simple as taking a weekly day trip to somewhere nice or as complicated as moving to another apartment or house. A change of job - if possible - can also be beneficial. Taking up a new hobby probably seems a bit tedious for someone in a mood episode, but if any kind of stabilization occurs - that is a good time to start. The idea is to change perspective.

I hope this information is useful to you.

To answer your question: No, I don't think this is uncommon. Even people that are satisfied with their mate may still crave additional attention to make them feel whole. Even though it seems to be the ultimate betrayal, you can preserve your relationship by working with your partner if that is something you are willing to do.

I know that many people would advise against ultimatums, but if a situation becomes too extreme sometimes one must choose between this or continued unhappiness.

I really do hope you find peace.

Sir i am sorry for what it is doing to u. I have bipolar and I am the same way I will pick men up and have sex with them and not remember the next day till I see some thing that reminds me of the night before I a working on my situation and I am getting help been back with my husband a few months only happened once and then I realized I needed additional help. won't let it happen any more(hopefully) in your wifes case I understand what she is going through to I have been there in her defense she really deos not mean to talk to that man I mean she is not in the right frame of mind. I have locked my self away i do not have any interaction with people until I feel more confident about me staying on my meds that is my problem I willnot take the meds and that is the worst thing u can do when I was first diagnosed I did not think it was that big of a deal I am strong minded I can deal with this but I list my job almost lost my kids and my family will not support mental issues. Best thing I can tell you is to be there for her and let her have it you are the one that will have to be firm I believe people with this illness need guidance they can not do it on their own. I am trying to and it is tuff. Sex is sex love is forever and if you found the woman you love do not let her go because she is mentally ill.

MyBestKids2: No, despite numerous promises she hasn't seen a therapist at all since she came out of the hospital. For the longest time I'd book the appointments, remind her, and drive her there myself. I'm not doing that anymore - either she wants to go, or she doesn't. I agree that it's vital for her to talk to a counsellor, because medication is only half the solution.

RelientK: I'm on this forum for honest advice, so don't worry - I never get offended. You're correct about right and wrong. Some factor - a disease, upbringing, peer pressure - may push you in a particular direction, but you can still choose to go a different way. I've been trying very hard with her and I've been very patient, but she's working against me, not with me. I'm still willing, but not for much longer if I'm putting in all of the time and effort and she's not contributing anything.

angelique: Thanks for your comments. Let me ask you something: what do you wish your husband would've done to break you out of your cycle sooner?

The Bipolar disorder does not excuse her behavior, but it does help to explain it.

If she had killed someone instead of cheating, she would be in jail because she still knew right from wrong. But the disordered thinking impaired her judgement.

By the way gordian...your story broke my heart enough to break off a nearly 6 month affair. I am not proud of what I did, and I still need a lot of help, but seeing just how painful it could be for my husband and child was enough to make me finally stop and get help.

And I do have a Bipolar I diagnosis now. Not just depression. A big relief to know what's really going on with me now.

Gordon...
I can sympathize with you. My wife has bipolar and has had multiple affairs on me over our marriage. Some online and some in real life. It was not until 5 years ago that my wife was diagnosed bipolar. It was very difficult for me and still is to remain with her after these betrayals. Let me give you the comfort that I have found. I believe that when two ppl are truely in love they can beat any obsticle. This does include affairs. I know that it is hard to be the one that puts in all the work and effort and not see anything coming from the other side. I will admit that several times the thought was there to say I deserve better and I do not need to put up with this. It was also during these times that I reminded myself I have my own issues and problems as well, and she has not left me. This was changed last year for a period of 2 months when she did leave me. It was not until that point that I took a serious look at her and our past. I uncovered then that each affair and the actual point in which she left me was during a manic episode. I am not excusing the behaviour, however it does give insight to it.

I believe that if you take a hard look at your wife and use a good understanding of what your wife's disorder is about that you will see a similar pattern in her. I do not know what your religious beliefs are, but please try to remember that there is nothing in life we can not handle and work out. Either through the help of a spirtual diety, friends, family, or a network like this one. I ask that before you leave your wife you will search your heart, your mind, your feelings, and your own self, ensure that you have not been in a wrong place with your marriage thru a fault of your own, and once you have giving everything you have to give for your marriage you find more that you can give to it. It has taken my wife and I almost 11 years of marriage and nearly 6 years of her diagnoised as BiPolar...but we have reached a place in our marriage where now even in a recent diagnosis of DID for me, while it a rocky and shaky time for us, we are assured that we are not going to leave each other and we will make it through any problems.

Razzleberry said:
The Bipolar disorder does not excuse her behavior, but it does help to explain it. If she had killed someone instead of cheating, she would be in jail because she still knew right from wrong. But the disordered thinking impaired her judgement.

I think you're exactly right. I truly believe she knows right from wrong - she shows remorse and fear when I confront her, which she wouldn't if she was amoral or a sociopath.

By the way gordian...your story broke my heart enough to break off a nearly 6 month affair. I am not proud of what I did, and I still need a lot of help, but seeing just how painful it could be for my husband and child was enough to make me finally stop and get help.

Wow. That's amazing, Razzleberry. I'm really glad about that, especially for your child's sake. I know it couldn't've been easy. Good on you for choosing the more difficult - but right - road.

And I do have a Bipolar I diagnosis now. Not just depression. A big relief to know what's really going on with me now.

It is a huge relief to be able to attach a name and a treatment plan to your problem, isn't it? When my wife was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder a few months ago, I started to read up on it... and I promptly started kicking myself for not doing more reading to figure it out myself before. I mean, Bipolar disorder is hugely misdiagnosed as depression by many doctors and therapists... and antidepressant meds can drive people with bipolar to extreme manic states and suicide! A few standard questions would allow doctors to determine bipolar vs. depression, but since so many of them are so eager to toss a few Prozac your way and hustle you out of their office, they don't ask them. And so my wife - and you, and many others - get worse and stay ill needlessly for years.

Mental illness sucks. As a science, it's only a little over 100 years old. If you compare it to the practice of medicine, mental illness treatment is still at the stage of applying leeches to your body to drain bad blood and evil spirits. It's in its infancy.

(((((gordian knot))))) I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I’m so impressed that you’re trying to find more about your wife’s condition.

I do not suffer from this type of mania, but it is very common (according to my doctor). When I’m manic, I do home improvements. When you’re manic, you can do anything (in your mind). Everything is possible and in your mind so easy. My last major mania had me ripping nearly every room in the house apart. When I was stalled by my own abilities in one room, I’d start on another. And hubby was the one that had the “to do” list a mile long.

I had living room, hallway, bathroom, and one bedroom all ripped up with everything being stored in another bedroom. Keep in mind the majority of this took place in a matter of days, my husband never knew what he was walking into when he came home from work. At one point he said “enough, we need to finish what we have torn apart before you get involved in another project and move on.” So around day four, I had hung the wall paper in the bathroom (which I hated the next day and ripped out) and it was waiting for the new tub and shower for him to install when he got home, I painted the living room, painted the bedroom, cleaned up our staging area in the other bedroom and decided to rip the kitchen and dining room apart to clean it well since we were also using it to store our painting supplies etc.

My husband was due home within the hour. While I had the kitchen torn apart a thought enters my mind “hey, I can have this whole thing repainted and put back together before he even gets home. He can’t say anything if I’m already done.” In my mind, an hour was plenty of time to buy the paint, repaint, and put all of the furniture back before he came home. Luckily he know me, and I discovered I had no cash, credit cards, atm card or check book.

When you’re manic, you not in your normal frame of mind; there are no consequences to your actions. You are superwoman! Please know that your wife isn’t doing this to hurt you, I’m sure that she’s mortified when she comes back.

Atredies said: I believe that when two ppl are truely in love they can beat any obstacle. This does include affairs. ...I believe that if you take a hard look at your wife and use a good understanding of what your wife's disorder is about that you will see a similar pattern in her. ...Please try to remember that there is nothing in life we can not handle and work out. ...Once you have given everything you have to give for your marriage you find more that you can give to it.

I read over your message several times, and I'm trying to organize my thoughts about it. [Added after: When reading this, please know that I'm honestly glad you shared your views, and that any emotion in my words isn't in any way directed towards you.]

I can absolutely see the patterns of my wife's behaviour and I'm sure that much of her infidelity is linked to her mental illness. I'm also positive that I can keep giving of myself to preserve our marriage, because I've done it for over a decade. I could probably even continue to tamp down my frustration and resentment and be resignedly content for the remainder of our lives together.

Is love worth all of that? Is love so singularly vital that it sits alone at the top of a pedestal?

What about respect, partnership, trust, sharing, understanding and communication? If all of that is just plain not there, and my wife shows no motivation to try to help build it, is love enough glue to keep things from flying apart?

How much should I give in the name of love? How much should I sacrifice? How much more should I let myself fracture and fray to be a life support system for someone who keeps choosing not to help herself? Love is not perpetually being someone's rescuer and always accepting their damaging behaviour while your own needs become forever secondary.

This whole situation is embarrassing. That sounds ridiculously trivial considering all that's happened, but it's true. I'm embarrassed. I even stopped posting on this board for awhile because talking about this situation makes me feel humiliated and foolish.

Love is worth it! And with the right medication her mania can be eliminated. I can only imagine how hard this must be on you. You have no reason to be embarrassed, I think you're an awesome man that you're willing to work beyond this!

To be honest gordon, love is worth it. I don't know the circumstances behind your marriage, but in mine I know that I vowed to remain with her through better and WORSE, SICKNESS and health, till death do us part. I am not trying to say that you need to as well. It would be foolish of me to tell anyone that they must do something. I am only informing you of my personal thoughts, feelings, and understanding of things. I went thru the exact same thing as you and I can tell you that with the right meds your wife can turn around.

I know its hard...I really do. But in my opinion there is nothing greater than love. No sacrafice is too small to keep the love alive.

I read somewhere that a person should only put as much effort into helping someone as they are willing to do for themselves.

Let's say your spouse breaks her leg. She goes to the hospital, gets a cast, takes painkillers when needed, rests and recuperates, follows up with the doctor, has the cast removed, and exercises to rebuild muscle in the weakened leg. You'd help and support her through all of that, right?

Now, let's say your spouse breaks her leg. She decides not to go to the hospital, refuses to rest, screams in pain constantly, develops complications and bleeding, lashes out at everyone around her because of the pain, and chooses to live the remainder of her life as an angry, agonized cripple?

Do you support that? Do you love and cherish her for it?

Another common promise in wedding vows is to "love, honor and respect" your spouse. If her life choices in every way violate those promises, doesn't that mean she's broken her vows and invalidated the contract of marriage?

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gordian_knot said:
If her life choices in every way violate those promises, doesn't that mean she's broken her vows and invalidated the contract of marriage?

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Trends are different than events...If your choice of the word "every" was as conscious as I believe it was gordian then the answer is ,,,yes.

IMHO.

Lenny

hello gordon:
may i just say bless you for trying to work thru all this. i may as well be your wife for all i have done against my husband. but luckily htere are really still some great guys out there or women like us would have self-destructed in a blazing fireball by this point.. i have also been dx with PMDD(pre-menstral dysphoric disorder) as well as BPI so just know that there are other men that feel your pain.

i had struggled with something all my life not knowing what and didnt get to my first pdoc till i was 30. of coourse looking back on it, i can see the cycles of mania and depression and the stupid things i did at either side of them and ironicly MOST of the mania cycles (out of my head) were within the 2 weeks before my period. the one time i actually left my husband after numerous affairs was 7 days before my period.

i dont know if this will help but start paying attention to her cycles vs. her menses and keep record of when they are happening. i have to take an alternate med for the 2 weeks prior to mine. it may be something to talk to her dr. about

i feel for you and wish i could tell you it is all gonna be alright. i'm not even sure that my situation is going to be alright. my only thoughts on it are this....cant worry bout yesterday it already happened .trying to live for this minute cause tommorrow is coming whether we like it or not.

i have other problems affecting my relationship though. my husband is an alcoholic and forgets i am there sometimes. so my affairs arent "long term" i am looking for satisfaction and affection in the moment. looking back on them i feel guilty because i know that my husband would provide me what i need should i just ask but arghhhhhhhhhhh.... sorry riding the edge of a trigger.

aside from all that just be paitent and try to love her. and ultimately if you gotta go you gotta go. you can only do so much then she is responsible for pulling her weight as well. my disease is not a curse i tend to look on it as a gift. but i am responsible for myself and my treatment because nobody else is looking out for me like i will. besides i have 2 daughters that i have to be somewhat sane for.

good luck!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve calmed down a lot. I realized I’ve been having a very hard time finding the dividing line between my wife and her bipolar disorder. I’m a methodical, analytical guy, and I don’t like making blind decisions, so I’ve spent the last several days doing even more research about bipolar and bipolar II disorders. Here’s some of what I’ve found:

<ul type="square">[*]I believe my wife is making terrible choices fueled by hypersexuality, impulsivity and impaired decision-making ability, which are hallmarks of bipolar disorder. Hypersexuality in particular is reported in 57% of manic individuals. A 1975 study that looked at lifetime sexual experience found extramarital sexual experiences to be more frequent amongst bipolar people - 29% had had 10 or more experiences.[*]People with the disorder also have three times the rate of divorce and broken relationships as the general community.[*]Some people with bipolar disorder resist seeing the reality of the havoc that spreads during an acute phase of BPD.[*]Indeed, caring for someone who has a mental illness can be more draining than caring for someone with cancer. When a spouse does something for a mate with a physical illness, they are usually met with gratitude. People who have bipolar disorder, on the other hand, often deny the diagnosis, are unwilling to comply with medication, and - worst of all - treat one’s spouse like the enemy.[*]It is not the responsibility of the partner to oversee the other's health, and if the partner has paired with someone who refuses to accept the duty of caring diligently for herself or himself, the partner ought to hit the road and not look back. As much as it’s a biomedical condition, people with mental illnesses can’t be let completely off the hook. They must take some personal responsibility for their choices. Of course, we can’t expect them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they’re acutely ill, but during periods of wellness they owe it to their spouses to do whatever is in their power to help themselves.[*]One spouse —amid the cacophony and confusion of his wife’s ever-changing moods—made a decision that would save his now 24-year marriage. Instead of seeing his relationship with his wife as “something I would have to write off and cut my losses,” he decided to view his continued support of her as “an investment in something worthwhile.” [/list]I still believe that beneath the illness, my wife is worthwhile, and so is our marriage. I confronted her yesterday about the continued contact with the guy from the U.K. Thankfully, she’s not using her bipolar as an excuse to absolve herself from blame. That's important to me, just like Razzleberry said: the Bipolar disorder does not excuse her behaviour, but it does help to explain it.

In the last two weeks she’s been happier than she has been in years - happier with me, with her life, with her family, with everything, thanks to the medication. She has promised to go to therapy, both singly and jointly, and to work with me to study and understand her illness and her triggers. She has also promised to be honest with me about what she’s feeling, even if she’s scared I’ll react badly. I think she finally realized that, if I haven’t run screaming out the door by now, there isn’t much that’ll make me react badly. Things can’t get much worse than they’ve been already.

The two dealbreakers for me are: taking personal responsibility, and doing everything in her power to help herself. She knows she has to do both. And I know she has to do both. And then we can be truly happy, maybe for the first time in a decade.

I hope this works out for both of you!

For Gordion Knot, myself, and others...
I am a newbie here and must post 5 and/or 6 times before being able to join chat rooms or contact members 'privately', ergo, here goes #1 : )
I have sought forums and internet support group type chat rooms in search and great hope of finding honest people to not only commiserate with, but to learn from, and grow in hope and spirit with. Misery loves company? I am seeking to communicate with others to better understand living with a companion with Bipolar. I have read many posts and many 'stories' remain the same, only the names, some details, and degrees of behavior change - but the loneliness, confusion, and hurt bare a common thread. Any insight into surviving such chaos as loving an individual with Bipolar disorder (with my sanity and self esteem intact) is tremendously appreciated. Peace be with you all.

I am glad that you have found the resolve necessary in order to deal with everything that you do! truely you have a lot of determination and a level head enough to inject thought and insight into your experience.

its nice to 'meet' a person such as yourself who sets your self aside enought to help another.

I am in a very similiar boat with my own wife. its extremely difficult to deal with and, along with yourself, find myself a distant second to everything else that goes on in her life, including her extra-marital relationships.

I find myself considering the same avenues of approach (or should I say escape) that you do. I can't tell at this point if i am too afraid to actually leave, or my resove to be faithful and not quit is stopping me (although it sounds like the same thing).

I applaud your efforts and I wish you the very best!

My husband has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 1. He ran off with an 18 year old girl to have one last fling before he killed himself or so he says. He's in a mental facility now. Struggling with everything, unsure of where our marriage stands. It's a wait and see game.