[TgrsPurr]

Hello My fellow BPD Mates, my Comrads. I'm BPD II, Rapid Cycler, Mixed States. I pretty much run the whole gambit when it comes to symptoms, behaviors, types of cycles. I'm always a rapid cycler, but sometimes the highs are euphoria and other times they are extreme agitation and frustration. I've displayed everything from spending too much money and never sleeping to sexual promiscuity and drug addiction by self-medicating, before I knew I was BP. I go from being an extrovert to an introvert. At times I'm very creative, full of wonderful ideas and ambition.....then crash down into the dark abyss of despair and hopelessness, believing I will reside there forever and ever. I've attempted suicide twice in the distant past, but spent many years slowly killing myself with very self-destructive ways. Fortunately, I'm in a much better space than I've ever been, and I've come to like it. It's amazing how comfortable one can get in their dysfunction, chaos, turmoil, pain and distress. Logically, it makes no sense. But who ever said we were logical? Definately nocturnal, right? One of my hopes is that I'll be able to come here in the darkest hour of the night and find others to share it with.

I've read a lot of posts in this forum that I'd like to respond to. I just need a little time to learn the lay of the land, get use to all the bells and whistles and find my groove. But I look quite forward to getting to know some of you and become a part of the support system here. So many of you seem like such wonderful people. Hopefully, I can be just as much of a blessing to all of you.

Well, this Tiger still has some work to do before taking my catnap (damn insomnia still plagues me unlike anything else). If I can't get to sleep...I'll be back before sunrise. Tigers are, after all, nocturnal too. TgrsPurr.

[BeachChick3]

Welcome Tiger! I hope you are doing well and that I can help.

[vacantangel]

Hi TgrPurr

Seems I just replied your wonderful supportive response to my anxiety post. We definitely have a lot in common, I've also done a lot of the things that you have while hypomanic. My hypomania also can manifest as euphoria, which I love, or irritability, hostility and anger, which is not very pleasant at all. How often do you cycle? Mine can be several times a day, very exhausting for me and for those in my life to keep up with. I've heard the term 'mixed states' before but I can't really get the grasp of what it actually is or how it feels. I'm assuming it could mean that you're depressed and euphoric at the same time???? Very, very confusing to me on how anybody can be both at the same time. Anyway, welcome to the site and I look forward to getting to know you more. I'm on quite late at night sometimes even though I need to have a little more self-discipline to go to bed at a regular time. Anyway, again, welcome. I'm sure you'll love it here. I find the people very warm and supportive. I've only been here but a few weeks and haven't ventured in to a lot of the different forums myself yet. Some, I'm not ready for, so they'll take me a bit longer.

[TgrsPurr]

Hi Angel Girl, Wow! You seem soooo much better! YEAH!!!!! What a relief, huh? I was reading some of your other posts too and I think you're doing just Fabulous. And yes, you do seem quite different depending on the mood you're in, but THAT is precisely BP (see, I read that one too, thanks for the tip). The comment that I want to make to you though is this, regardless of what "state" you're in, certain aspects of your personality always come through. You're always completely honest with what you're thinking, feeling and doing. You always keep a sense of humor, even in the worst moments, and that means KUDOS for you! You consistantly came back and posted, which I think is very important for a couple of reasons...First and foremost, because it means your getting stuff out that's swirling around inside you and unless you purge it, it gets worse. Second, people care about you and need to know that you're okay. That included me! So, I think you should be feeling pretty darn good about yourself.

Okay, now on to your question about "mixed states". The best way I can think to explain that is...have you ever been really tired, so you drank waaaaay too much coffee, and as a result you felt jittery and buzzed but still tired at the same time? For me, mixed states is when I can't sleep and I can't sleep and I can't sleep, but I'm so freakin' tired I can't think straight...even hallucinating. I don't think I've ever experienced Euphoria and Depression at the same time, but I've cycled rapidly in and out of each. But what I have done is display opposing symptoms at the same time, like I'll be spending money with abandon (manic), but I'm hopeless and desperate at the same time (depression). I don't know if I'm explaining all this in a way you can understand, but you know how hard it is sometimes to find the right words to explain how you feel. In regards to your question about how often I cycle....VERY rapid. The second Pdoc I had was baffled by my cycles as he would witness them happening right before his very eyes in a half hour session we would be having to discuss meds (I always kept a separate t.) I'd go from laughing and being silly and playful and clever and witty....to crying in hopeless despair over who and what I'd become...and then I'd be rippin' him a new one over some perceived thoughtless remark on his part. To a fly on the wall it had to be highly amusing, but for me it was pure hell and then for him to be on receiving end of it was, well, like I said, baffling. It's exhausting. I can completely understand why this "illness" is considered most difficult for those people surrounding someone with BP. Who can take that for very long? Who would want to? How can you live NEVER knowing what to expect in the next 5 minutes. A person certainly couldn't live "happily" that way. This is truly a most treachorous disorder to have. Outsiders just DON'T get it. But how could they?

Anyway, I'm babbling now. Sorry. Hope to hear from you soon. TgrsPurr.

[vacantangel]

Yeah, I am much better now. My cycles can be like yours, extremely short, a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months. Several times a day is very exhausting for me and those around me, very hard to keep up with as you say, you never know where you're going to be 5 minutes from now. Funny thing is, I didn't even realize how fast I was cycling lately until somebody online pointed it out to me. Me, doing fabulous??? Not sure why you would think that, I think anything but is more like it. Tip? Ok, I agree with your honesty comment, honesty is very important to me and what's the point in me not being honest about what I'm feeling, don't know how you think I still have a sense of humour while in the abyss. Did you read my thread 'The Monster' in the General section. Scary stuff indeed. I barely made it out that night, very much considered visiting the ER, something I rarely do. Not sure I deserve those kudos but thanks!!! It's kinda difficult for me to ever feel good about myself but I feel good that you seem to like my postings, scrambled as they are.

I have done the spending money like crazy, no pun intended, while depressed (don't do this anymore). Like I previously stated, I know the pure exhaustion of changing cycles within minutes of the last. I used to do it about 30 times a day before I was on a mood-stabilizer. It was pure hell. I couldn't stand it. It just took way too much out of me. I can still quite often cycle several times on a given day but nowhere near the 30. Still exhausting but far more bearable than before. But as you said, very hard on those around us, even those very close to us that are BP, rapid cyclers but not near as rapid as us. Makes for an *interesting* relationship and sometimes challenging. My GP told me quite some months ago that BP is the hardest of any of the mental disorders to deal with due to the changing cycles. Oh well, whatcha gonna do, that's what we got so we have to learn to deal with whatever it kinda throws at us and hope that there are no casualties along the way. That is the hard part, the effect it has on others, especially while hypomanic manifesting as anger, irritability and hostility. Sure don't like that one but it does rear it's ugly head unfortunately. The euphoria is absolutely WONDERFUL and wouldn't want to give that one up. I've learned to not put myself in any harm while in that state. Now, I just have to learn how to deal with the others in a more productive way. I think I may understand the mixed states a little more now, but still kinda hard to grasp, at least with my fried brain.

Sounds like you're liking the forums. That's good. Nice to have another rapid cycler around to bounce things off of.

BTW, I have a fave smilie that I use to demonstrate the mood changes.

Up and down, up and down, where she lands, nobody knows.

[NiemandTeAl]

wow, i can't believe it took me this long to come to this forum....i've been dotting around some of the other ones but, for whatever reason stayed away from this one. I'm bp. my mother is bp, and her mother, and her mother, and her mother before that.
I'm sorry, i'm trying not to be nervous. i'm slowly getting over my fear of posting, lol. Anyway, i just wanted to say thanks to yall for posting...I've been through the rapid cycling, though thankfully, the really rapid cycling only hits me in intense, crises situations.....so far. *crossing fingers* lol. The worst yet was on the 8th aniversery of my dad's death. i would stay in one state no longer than 5 minutes...and usually more like 1 minute....i went back and forth from being so angry i was hitting things at random, clinching my fists, looking for someone to say one even slightly cross thing to me so that i could just....well, you get the picture........to so hopeless and depressed that i was on the verge of tears which says a lot considering the last time i cried was the night my father died.....
I've also had the "mixed episodes", as i've heard them called. tired and hopeless, yet unable to go to sleep or even stop the racing.
i mostly try to stay on my own.....because i feel like just being around poeple hurts them some how, you know?
I just....thanks for posting....I don't feel so alone anymore. so.....thank you
sincerely,
Niemand (Dust)

[TgrsPurr]

Hi Niemand, and a big fat *Welcome* to the BP forum! I'm sooo glad you posted. I understand that it's not easy, I just read posts anonymously for months before I decided to just jump in and give it a whirl. I mean really...it's not like you all know me or anything, right? So I figured, what's the worst that could happen? And there was just so much being said that I wanted to get in on. And like you, I keep to myself. Well actually...that's putting it mildly...I'm pretty much a recluse. I go to work and I come home, period! I have a couple of friends who will come over and visit with me on the weekends. We like to play poker on the computer. It's fun. The truth is...I love being a home body. I'm comfortable here. I love my home. I have my dog that I just *adore*!! And we go for walks everyday. I like keeping to myself. My life has become *very* uncomplicated. It's not that I hate people, I don't, but I have a hard time feeling comfortable around most of them. I can't really relate to them. I feel more alone in a crowded room than I ever did at home by myself. I'm not a shy or bashful person, I've got something to say to just about anybody. In truth, people fascinate me, but from a distance. If I do feel the need to get out and do something, I go to the movies. I'm surrounded by people, but in a dark place with a very large distraction. We laugh together, we cry together, we get scared together...we're all experiencing the same thing so there's some kind of connection there, but no interaction. I like that. But now, I have PC too, and this is a little more interactive, which I think is healthy for me. I like coming here, I like reading the posts and I like being able to correspond with the poster. Very Cool!

Keep posting Hon, we want to hear from you. And as someone who keeps to themselves a lot, this is important for you. TgrsPurr.

[NiemandTeAl]

wow, thanks for welcome
yeah, i feel pretty much the same as you in regards to people.....i'm intreaged by them....but from a distance. i can be a good "people person" when i need to, but is taxing.....
ty, and i'll keep posting here as much as i can.....

[TgrsPurr]

Okay AG, first, you DO deserve Kudos, look at yourself now...you pulled through with no permanent damage to yourself or anyone else, right? You kept reaching out to this support community and received the encouragement, support, TLC and human contact you needed at that time, right? And while I must confess that I did not see your post, "The Monster", I did read many others, and you DID have a hint of a sense of humor. If it will help, I'll go back to each one that I can find and point it out. And in the worst possible moments of that horrible cycle...you never stopped caring about yourself and others. I think that's indicative of a person who's really making an effort and that IS Fabulous! You never gave up. You never just tossed in the towel and said F@#! It! Look, I realize that as the person who actually experienced that nightmarish cycle, it's difficult for you to see the good, the positive or anything *right* about that whole experience. But I, as someone who can relate, who's been in that exact same place and knows how stinkin' awful it actually is, can say with absolute certainty, you did Fabulous and you deserve Kudos. You *cannot* allow yourself to ever ever forget, we have no choice with these moods! It IS a chemical imbalance that we have no control over. Yes, we have meds to ease the extremity of it all, but we are still *afflicted* with BP. What we do have a choice about...how we are going to handle those moods, those cycles, our behavior, actions and attitudes. You cannot control this thing anymore than trying to control the moon. You *will* have ups and you *will* have downs. So stopping hogging all the guilt and shame and self-loathing and just give yourself a little bit of damn credit, okay? (I say that with the utmost love, Sweetie). I'm here for you AG, I care about you...as I said in the previous post to Niemand, I've been reading this forum for a while anonymously, I feel like I've come to know you a bit and I think your sweet and funny. TgrsPurr.

[adieuolivaw]

TGRSPURR: Nice to meet you, and welcome to PsychCentral.

I experience certain changes similar to yours. Think I'll see a pdoc and find out what they mean, beyond the depression my internist is already treating. My hills and valleys scare me, as do the days of not sleeping when I can barely sit up due to exhaustion. The personality change is even more frightening. Thanks for the heads-up.



Adieu

[TgrsPurr]

It's very nice to meet you too Adieu! Thanks for the reply. I just wanted to let you know that I've responded to your "Personality Change" post in detail. TgrsPurr

[vacantangel]

Hi Niemand, glad you decided to venture over to this forum. We're a friendly bunch here so no need to be nervous. I try to stay by myself too, way too hard on other people to be around me. I'm just too volatile. Some of my family has learned how to deal with it, others, well....let's just say there could be some improvement in understanding and not pushing my buttons. Anyways, welcome to this corner of pc.

[vacantangel]

TgrsPurr

Well I still fail to see my so-called sense of humour but I guess I'll just take your word for it. No need to go hunting down for examples to show me. As far as giving up, well, as I said, you haven't read 'The Monster'. You might get a more realistic picture of me while deep in the abyss. No sense of humour in that post and a whole lot of giving up but with a fight to it. Yea, I do realize that this is all a chemical imbalance and there's not a whole lot we can do about that other than the drug store worth of meds and throwing in a little therapy on the side. I wish we could control them, sure would make life a heck of a lot easier, wouldn't it? Anyway, you obviously seem to like me, so that makes me feel good inside. Thanks! I think you are pretty cool actually! I enjoy talking with you.

So, how are you personally doing, all your posts seem to be quite positive in nature. Have you been cycling, where are you at right now?

[NiemandTeAl]

ty angel girl, really apriciate it....
i will deffinately stick around here

[vacantangel]

That's good. I think we now have enough for a party. Now, if only I was in a partying mood.

[sqrlb8]

Tiger, I'm thrilled that you are here. Your posts are articulate and eloquent as you describe so succinctly the life bipolar. You and I share many similar views on the "situation" and I can't wait to compare notes in more detail. I'm all cycled up right now, and my communication suffers. (see my wind bag "Candide" post ) But I'll level off soon, and we can get at it. lol.

[TgrsPurr]

Sqrl! You little bugger, you beat me to it! I've been wanting to post to you that I love your posts...I get sooo much from your input and I really enjoy your sense of humor too. Yes, I did see your most recent posts and noticed a bit of change. But all in all I'd say your still doing pretty good. Is there anything I can do to help you in any way? Please don't hesitate to ask. I'm here for you Buddy. TgrsPurr.

[TgrsPurr]

Hey Angel Girl! How you doin' hon? Thank you so much for inquiring about me. It's nice to know people care. I'm actually doing very well right now. I'm enjoying a state of balance and normalcy (so to speak). It's been a couple of months since I last cycled and I'm thanking the good Lord above for that. But I know the inevitable will happen and I'll cycle out of this even phase and into my highs and lows. I'm counting on you to be there for me, 'kay? I have been noticing a bit of increase in my agitation levels the last couple of days, but sometimes that's just hormones or life circumstance. Work has been a little stressful the last couple days and that could be it....hopefully thats all it is. It's my nature to be hopelessly optimistic...a blessing and a curse. Keep in touch AG. TgrsPurr.

[darkeyes]

Insomnia, did I hear that word??
I hate when I get those bouts, I know though that us Bipolars are prone to that, my problem is that I am so wiped out when it is gone.
When I was first DXed 5 years ago, I'd sleep 2 hours a night, and still be able to get up and drive out for my classes, got all a's and b's too
Made honors twice, during that period of my life, so something positive to hypomania sometimes, especially what a contrast to my grades in elementary and high school, they were so bad I nearly passed.
It is amazing what this disorder can and can't do for us.
We just have to keep in mind to stay on our meds. and keep appts. to help keep things on an even keel.
I wish you well with this, and please take care,

DE

[sqrlb8]

Glad for the contact, too tiger and looking forward to lots more. Good stuff here. Gotta go, my sqrl nature is fully upon me these days.

[TgrsPurr]

Hey DE, I know what you mean about the insomnia. When I was in college it was great not having to sleep that much. And I wasn't out partying (at least not all the time), I'd be up studying or memorizing or practicing my oral presentations. But inevitably I'd cycle down and wouldn't be able to maintain the good grades. I flunked elementary algebra 3 TIMES! I feel like such a loser! I maxed out the number of times you can take the course and now have to go take it elsewhere (and pass!) in order to move on. Major drag. That was years ago now, still haven't worked up the courage to try again. Call me the cowardly Tiger! Ahhhh what are you gonna do? ya know? I just got so sick of failing at stuff because I couldn't remain consistant with it. Well, at least I've been consistant in my inconsistancy, right? Did you say something about "even keel"? What's that? TgrsPurr.

[NiemandTeAl]

lmao tiger, consistant in my inconsistancy, i like that.

[sqrlb8]

Ah, the sleep/insomnia predicament. For me that's been the biggest determinant in the severity of my cycles. If I fuel the manic cycle with the insomnia it craves, I magnify the following depression cycle to the same degree. Anyone find that connection in their own cycle/sleep relationship?

LOL, even keel, yeah right. But at least by enforcing a sleep rigimen on my manic cycle I bring some measure of evenness to an inherantly uneven situation. It's so many little things like this that end up keeping me together.

[TgrsPurr]

Hey Sqrl, you raise an interesting point here. My sleep/severity of cycle ratio is not something I've considered before. I'm gonna pay closer attn next time and see if there is in fact a corelation for me too. Here's to hopin' it ain't any time soon tho'! TgrsPurr.

[sqrlb8]

Would love to hear your observations when you have a chance to look at it, but hope that's no time soon. lol.