[Dark_Dreams]

I feel al little strange posting here and I hope no one is offended by my pos. I have a genuine question and I would like to get as many answers from as many people as possible.

Having been in love with someone who happened to have been BPD and currently best friends with one of the most amazing women I have ever met who is also BPD, I often wonder what, if anything, I am doing right or wrong. So this leads to my question.

What would you want from me? If I was your loved one, friend, whatever, what would you like me to know that would make life easier all the way around?

If this post doesn't belong here or is deemd inappropriate, please do with it as you wish.

Thank you

DD

[momo3kids]

when my girlfriend asks what she can do all i tell her is be as supportive as she can be. that is the best thing i can tell anyone who has to deal with me. don't turn your back on me when i seem impossible. things always get better.
i hope that helps even a little bit.

[bpd2]

Nice place to post this question! Really! I'm thinking about the question. For now, what I can say is that I need a lot of reassurance--even when I'm doing well. I need a lot of praise. I need for the people in my life to be reliable and consistent. I need for them to have a sense of humor!!! I need for them to be kind--to protect me from what is hurting, but to encourage me--just as much, maybe more. I need them to have a lot of confidence in themselves...unfortunately, it is, generally speaking, difficult for borderlines to be needed. I want to be wanted and loved, but it scares me when I am needed.--That's probably why becoming a mother just about killed me. I need people in my life to know that I am not dependable, but that I am trying my best. I want to be good, and when I am not, I hate myself. I want people to know that I cannot sustain my energy levels, my moods, even my interests, that I don't even have an I for long, long stretches of time and I feel like I am faking it--so, I need to isolate, but I am afraid to be alone....so I need quiet and company, but not exactly communication--just a steady presence............I want so much from people. But I will do my very best to be valuable to them, too. It's a fine line--to be valuable, but not obsessive about being valued....

[sugahorse1]

Bpd2 - couldn't have said it better myself.

I have a great fear of abandonment/rejection. I need my boyfriend to be home when he says he will be, I need him to be able to just hold me in a caring way (Not always just sexually), I need to feel needed - so please include me in things and give me tasks. Achieving these tasks gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes me feel good.
I know we can be overwhelming - but know that this is the condition at it's worst; we don't want to have to be like that.
Some days we will just feel emotionally overwhelmed - just be there for us, ignore our ranting - it's normally not directed at you at all) and just try calm us down. Sometimes you may not even have to say anything - just be there.

Make us feel valuable. Like a bunch of flowers, a thoughtful text message, a spontaneous bath, a sign of you being porud of us.

Loving and caring for a BPD person is not easy - I commend you for making the kind of effort that you are. Personally - my boyfriend really battles to keep up with me. I know I drag him down and it makes me feel guilty; it hurts me. I know that deep down I really have a lot to offer to our relationship - to him as person; I just need someone to support and nurture me

[cluelessgluten]

WOW. I really have nothing to add here. BPD2 and Sugarhorse said it all.

[Chronic]

Originally Posted by cluelessgluten

WOW. I really have nothing to add here. BPD2 and Sugarhorse said it all.

Same here. Think i will print this out for my friends and family! How nice of you to us. Your friend is very lucky to have someone want to help and understand her

[hayward]

I kind of feel guilty for adding to any of the above comments, since they were wonderful replies, but I just want to add a couple of quick thoughts:

-When you are doing any of those really supportive things, try really hard not to be condescending in any way. I think when caregivers are constantly being supportive, sometimes they get frustrated. Many people with BPD are hypersensitive and are quick to want to withdraw again or get angry or defensive and shrink back from the care they are being given.

-And on the same note, please try to find someone else to talk with about your own feelings. You need to vent, as it is not an easy job. And at times you may start felling a little resentment, even if you don't realize that.

-Having said that, I personally like it when my husband shows his own vulnerabilities about other issues in his life. It make me feel needed and it helps me to see that it is normal for everyone to have insecure times. I like it when the focus shifts off of me for a while. I don't want it always to be about ME- it's overwhelming and a lot of pressure and adds to my guilt.

Oh, I don't know what I am talking about. You know what, just love and care and do the best that you can can. And make sure that you take care of YOURSELF, because we all know that it's one of the best things we can do for other people in our lives. (I don't know how to do that personally right now, but I HAVE heard that it's a good thing to do

[bpd2]

I'm still thinking about the question. I want to add this:
I expect people to be mad at me.
I expect people to leave.
I expect people to be mean.
Because of that, I feel shame very, very easily, and I, myself, mock my own efforts.
That is where so much of what I wrote comes from.
As I think about that, I realize why it is a great joy to me when someone simply takes my hand--without me reaching for their first. It is a joy when someone notices that I feel bad about what someone said to me at a party (if I"m even feeling brave enough to actually make it to the party----sometimes, I falter before I can even fiinish dressing), and they are there to counteract it, because they understand what I heard (they way I heard it). I am sorry to say, I like it a lot when you say I am better than someone else--especially someone physically attractive. (You don't have to say I am more beautiful all over, just the places you really like about me...even my ankles or collarbones...my cheekbones......come to think of it, bones are good: they withstand time and most changes, and that means I don't have that niggling little thought that everyone has--but that completely ruins the whole thing for me: "Yeah, but what if I gain weight?)
Also...and this is really tough, let's say we've been in a fight. I'm as wrong as you. Maybe....uh....more wrong. EVEN IF I'M THE ONE WHO STARTED THE WHOLE THING, you have to be the one who starts the apologizing. Timing is tricky here, and it depends entirely upon the situation. Sorry about that, but it's true. And what I want to hear is: "This was so upsetting, wasn't it? [hug, or a flower...nothing else too close...I might still attack]What can we (notice the we) do that would calm us down? Would you like to...blah, blah, blah."

This scene would be good because then I don't feel like I am alone...that it's all ME who's in chaos, and that you still want to be with ME, that there is still a WE and that you believe that I want to be with you---see? That our togetherness isn't even a question. When I am upset, it is beyond me to do anything that is like reparation for at least 2 hours, and sometimes as long as 4 days. (A couple of times in my life, longer than that.)

A word about flowers...when there's been a fight, the simpler flowers are better: daisies, tulips. Roses, carnations, even iris (which I love) are too heavy. I want nothing fluffy (maybe ***** willows--because who can resist those little silky toes?)...too much symbolism, and I cringe from the expectation of love...the traditional images that I just don't think I can live up to and that are likely to scare me at the time--because look what I just did--blasted everything away with an Uzzi!

So, that's what I need--me, one example.

Thanks for asking this. Being able to write this out to someone helps me see what I should tell my family and my husband....of course we'll have to negotiate on some of it. Cause, "Can't have it all, cupcake," right? And I'd feel like crap if I did! LOL

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by hayward

-When you are doing any of those really supportive things, try really hard not to be condescending in any way. I think when caregivers are constantly being supportive, sometimes they get frustrated. Many people with BPD are hypersensitive and are quick to want to withdraw again or get angry or defensive and shrink back from the care they are being given.

-And on the same note, please try to find someone else to talk with about your own feelings. You need to vent, as it is not an easy job. And at times you may start felling a little resentment, even if you don't realize that.

-Having said that, I personally like it when my husband shows his own vulnerabilities about other issues in his life. It make me feel needed and it helps me to see that it is normal for everyone to have insecure times. I like it when the focus shifts off of me for a while. I don't want it always to be about ME- it's overwhelming and a lot of pressure and adds to my guilt.

YES! YES!
(I was writing my post while you were writing yours, Hayward!)

[Chronic]

Can I add that you should expect that whatever you try to do to help is 99% of the time going to be wrong- If you show "too much" concern and want to help "too much" I will feel suffocated and controlled...if you show "too little" I will feel rejected and abandoned and feel that you don't care at all. It's a very fine line to get it "just right" for me, and very rarely happens. Just remember that it's about me and not you- it's usually not personal- I just haven't learned how to respond differently yet. To be a friend of a BPD is HARD work

[Skully]

All I would want is love, support, and understanding. That is all I need in life

[bpd2]

Thanks, Skully!

Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees...

Did you all note that PC won't let you write pu.sy willows? Kitty-cat willows? Haha!

I get a kick of the edits sometimes.

[Dark_Dreams]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

just try calm us down.

Chronic mentioned that no matter what one tries, most of the time it would be wrong. This I understand. So in response to what sugar horse said, what are effective ways of trying to calm you down?

I know there are no sure fire answers. It all depends on the event, time of day, time of month, time of year, weather, any number of other things. And I am also aware that may work in some instances will not work at others. Even if the situation is the same, if it worked once it may not work again. But is there anything that is an absolute no-no?

I know not to push. That usually can make everything significantly worse.

[hayward]

Absolute "no-nos" for ME:

Words:

"Just relax"
"Calm Down"
"You are exaggerating"
"You are imagining things"
"Stop over analyzing everything"
"Take a chill pill"
"You shouldn't feel.."
"Just .....(insert some simplified condescending quick fix remark)"

and the ever popular..

"You sound like your mother (or brother.."

Actions:

Heavy Sighing
Sideways Glances
Rolling Eyes
Loud Music

Never underestimate the power of listening, hugs, silence sometimes, head nodding, and appropriate distractions! (One that would be effective for me right now would be: "Let's go for a walk.." with some gentle push/follow through. It doesn't say "let's ignore or forget how you are feeling", it just redirects things.

[LaraLynn]

I feel so bad . My poor husband has to deal with so much. I am BP I and BPD... I totally relate to what BPD2 said, especially about having kids ... BUT what is so bad is that my husband has BPD too. He actually does do a great job of taking care of me, but I am not the same. I wish I could be different - I only think about me.

[Snuggleybabe]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Nice place to post this question! Really! I'm thinking about the question. For now, what I can say is that I need a lot of reassurance--even when I'm doing well. I need a lot of praise. I need for the people in my life to be reliable and consistent. I need for them to have a sense of humor!!! I need for them to be kind--to protect me from what is hurting, but to encourage me--just as much, maybe more. I need them to have a lot of confidence in themselves...unfortunately, it is, generally speaking, difficult for borderlines to be needed. I want to be wanted and loved, but it scares me when I am needed.--That's probably why becoming a mother just about killed me. I need people in my life to know that I am not dependable, but that I am trying my best. I want to be good, and when I am not, I hate myself. I want people to know that I cannot sustain my energy levels, my moods, even my interests, that I don't even have an I for long, long stretches of time and I feel like I am faking it--so, I need to isolate, but I am afraid to be alone....so I need quiet and company, but not exactly communication--just a steady presence............I want so much from people. But I will do my very best to be valuable to them, too. It's a fine line--to be valuable, but not obsessive about being valued....

I totally relate to this!!! I am new to this forum - was only diagnosed with BPD by my psychiatrist yesterday. It's so comforting to know there are other people out there just like me. I'm not on my own. Thank you for sharing.

[Snuggleybabe]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Bpd2 - couldn't have said it better myself.

I have a great fear of abandonment/rejection. I need my boyfriend to be home when he says he will be, I need him to be able to just hold me in a caring way (Not always just sexually), I need to feel needed - so please include me in things and give me tasks. Achieving these tasks gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes me feel good.
I know we can be overwhelming - but know that this is the condition at it's worst; we don't want to have to be like that.
Some days we will just feel emotionally overwhelmed - just be there for us, ignore our ranting - it's normally not directed at you at all) and just try calm us down. Sometimes you may not even have to say anything - just be there.

Make us feel valuable. Like a bunch of flowers, a thoughtful text message, a spontaneous bath, a sign of you being porud of us.

Loving and caring for a BPD person is not easy - I commend you for making the kind of effort that you are. Personally - my boyfriend really battles to keep up with me. I know I drag him down and it makes me feel guilty; it hurts me. I know that deep down I really have a lot to offer to our relationship - to him as person; I just need someone to support and nurture me

Sugahorse and bpd2 - thank you so very much. I totally relate to you both. Great to discover you on here. My psychiatrist is referring me for therapy and I can't wait to start. I'm going on 44 years of age and have struggled all my life, thinking that this hurt, turmoil and pain inside was "normal". I can't tell you how much it means to me to discover you and others in the same boat as me. I know it's going to be a long process, but I can't wait to get some help ... and for my life to start.

[bpd2]

Snuggleybabe, your post brings tears to my eyes. Your presence and your voice give hope to us, too.

LaraLynn, what we do know we need, what everyone needs, is each others' presence and their love as much as they can give it. It's hard to believe it when you're borderline, but sometimes one of the best things in life is to give love to someone who is so hurt and confused and angry that they are in no condition (however chronic or permanent) to give it back. Feeling compassion is one of the highest feelings. Maybe that is why we become so deeply attached to our therapists: people who accept us and are willing to take the care of our mental health into their hands until we can take more responsibility for it ourselves. But a therapist isn't family, and it is a huge blessing to have people who will be there always (or who are supposed to be there always). Let your family love you. I know you love them back very, very often--and maybe even when you can't see it. There are so many little things we can do that show we care--fill your husband's coffee cup, buy a little flower for a child, make someone's bed for them...sometimes anything bigger is beyond us, but we want to belong to their love, and those little, little things are evidence of that--evidence of our desire and of our gratitude. They can be enough, as can be just being there. Ask my kids. And my long-suffering husband. And, ok, yeah...my therapist.

[Snuggleybabe]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Snuggleybabe, your post brings tears to my eyes. Your presence and your voice give hope to us, too.

LaraLynn, what we do know we need, what everyone needs, is each others' presence and their love as much as they can give it. It's hard to believe it when you're borderline, but sometimes one of the best things in life is to give love to someone who is so hurt and confused and angry that they are in no condition (however chronic or permanent) to give it back. Feeling compassion is one of the highest feelings. Maybe that is why we become so deeply attached to our therapists: people who accept us and are willing to take the care of our mental health into their hands until we can take more responsibility for it ourselves. But a therapist isn't family, and it is a huge blessing to have people who will be there always (or who are supposed to be there always). Let your family love you. I know you love them back very, very often--and maybe even when you can't see it. There are so many little things we can do that show we care--fill your husband's coffee cup, buy a little flower for a child, make someone's bed for them...sometimes anything bigger is beyond us, but we want to belong to their love, and those little, little things are evidence of that--evidence of our desire and of our gratitude. They can be enough, as can be just being there. Ask my kids. And my long-suffering husband. And, ok, yeah...my therapist.

Thank you so much bpd2. I don't feel as though I have much wise advice to offer. Maybe when I've been in therapy for a while, who knows???

You are so wise. Have you considered writing a bpd self-help book????? I would be the first to buy it. Quoting you on

"sometimes one of the best things in life is to give love to someone who is so hurt and confused and angry that they are in no condition (however chronic or permanent) to give it back. Feeling compassion is one of the highest feelings."

I totally agree! In fact I've always felt drawn to people who are suffering emotionally. I feel the need to comfort them. If someone's upbeat and the life and soul of the party, I don't know how to act around them. You've made me realise that "feeling compassion" is what I'm best at in life - thank you. Perhaps that is a strength that we all need to think about???? Is it??? I feel I have a problem with feeling too much compassion.

[bpd2]

I think the best thing we do for each other is be here, offering support--validation, continuity, conversation, humor, sympathy--empathy! So, you have everything to offer, just like all of us. Thank you for being here.

And I couldn't write a book for us to save my life! The ton of posts I write is as good as it gets...but thanks for the compliments.

((((((BPD2 Snuggleybabe))))))

[ChaoticMind80]

Constant Reassurance, Being supportive & praising their good days (trust me a lil acknowledgement & praise goes a long way!!!!) Affection makes us feel safe. Questioning our motives is very offensive, and also questioning our intelligence makes us feel stupid, like you are trying to say you are smarter than me. Thats just some things that you can work with. : )

[tattoogirl33]

I have found that sometimes it's best to just be there in the same room, but don't talk. Hold me, brush my hair from my face, and/or kiss my forehead... That's what helps me.. I know there are times when I just want quiet. Words tend to make my skin hurt and I can't deal with it even though I KNOW that person is really just trying to help. And don't EVER tell me to calm down and quit crying, that it'll be ok.. When I'm at that point I honestly feel as though it WON'T be ok and it's the end of the world.. lol

I have really enjoyed reading all these posts and feel somewhat secure here.. Thank you everyone

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by tattoogirl33

I have found that sometimes it's best to just be there in the same room, but don't talk. ...Words tend to make my skin hurt and I can't deal with it even though I KNOW that person is really just trying to help. And don't EVER tell me to calm down and quit crying, that it'll be ok.. When I'm at that point I honestly feel as though it WON'T be ok and it's the end of the world.. lol

I have really enjoyed reading all these posts and feel somewhat secure here.. Thank you everyone

I feel the same: I want to argue with the words--or wish they had said something else....

And, also, yes, I want to say "Thank you, everyone." I look for support here every day--funny, empathetic, same wavelength....all of it.

[khansmom]

[quote=Chronic;1637634]Can I add that you should expect that whatever you try to do to help is 99% of the time going to be wrong-

Chronic is absolutely right, unfortunately. If I reflect and am honest with myself I can see when I have been impossible to live with. But when I am in the middle of "my mood" I can't see that what I desire/need is impossible for my love ones to give me. I want them to fix everything, make my world perfect...but do it my way and on my time schedule.

It is a good thing my cat doesn't care about my disorder