BPD and one night stands

What are your experiences with this?

I have one night stands and justify them to myself, because i know i'll never have a boyfriend, so does that mean i'm never allowed sex?

They dont do much for your self esteem, but as long as i am completely in control i think i have the strength to cope.

Not really sure what my question is.....

Is one nighters a BPD thing? Or am i just awful?

I don't think one night stands are wrong, and as long as you are ok with that then have fun. I also don't think it is just a bpd thing, could possibly be your connection to someone temporarily, you are just feeling it, and as long as you feel you are being safe and taken care of during it then a girls gotta do what girls gotta do.

On the flip side though if it is you just settling then that makes me sad. Relationships can happen, they do all the time with a lot of us here. I mean if you want a relationship some day but feel you need to get better at interpersonal skills then one night stands are perfectly normal...eventually though, if a relationship is wanted then I wouldn't tell yourself you are doomed to living alone and having to settle for just the one nighters.

You're NOT awful. I've had several one night stands (they were probably mutual), but, for me, it showed that I was liked and could be loved. It's not the best thing for either of us to be doing, but you're not an awful person. Hope this helps!!

Widgets-YOU ARE NOT A AWFUL PERSON!
I havd more one night stands then i can count.. I honestly can't even tell you the amount of men I've slept with.. I have 2 kids with 2 different dads. My youngests dad was a one night...
I had them because I felt that was the only way to feeling loved and cared for.. Like if i gave in to sex that they would want me.. But that never happened and i just never stopped.. Tell recently.. But if you believe in yourself and have some type of patiences he will come to you.... its hard to believe.. My longest relationships been 2 months.. the one im in now is 3 weeks and hes leaving for 3 months... SO i know exactly how you feel!

((widgets))

One night-stands were my thing as a late teen ~ my way, I believed, in getting some love.

As I got older, I yearned for "true love". But, I can see now, I've never given myself completely to any relationship that I've been in. There's a part of me that's just plain too scared to allow that barrier inside down. Instead, I put on a cloak of what I think that they want from me. That little part in me remains very lonely and confused, but is still too scared to show herself to anyone.

Sadly, I even hold myself back a little from my own 2 daughters ~ which is my ultimate commitment to living life. I can't even open up to them!

Point is: I can relate. I've been there. (((hugs))) to you!!

I NEED a one night stand right now!!! Beats going to the gym for exercise. The other drawback about going to the gym is I have to be around a bunch of sweaty guys.. that almost makes me wanna stop going to the gym....

I'm BPD,when I was under 18 I had one night stands.But at 18 I had a baby.At 21 I married.From age 18 there just were no one-nighters for me,my focus was my baby.But,I understand wanting attention and intimacy.I guess it is a trait common among BPD'ers,but,look at the rest of society.So many w/o the dx all doing the same.I don't think you should judge yourself harshly.At the end of the day,who and what you are is determined by more than your sexual liasions,yes?

You need to ask yourself.....Is having one night stands wise. Have you thought about the consequences of your one night stands? Have you thought about how having casual sex in your one night stands might effect you when you do find the person you may want to settle down with & have a real relationship with? Or, if you get pregnant?.....then you have a baby to care for or you have an abortion. Either is something you live with for the rest of your life.....there are studies that show that having abortions effect women negatively long after the abortion just as having a miscarriage effects women long after the miscarriage. My mother was feeling guilty about an abortion she had when I was 5 years old....she was 80 (many years after the abortion she had) & was dying of cancer when the guilt hit her again. There have also been many studies done that prove that the family union does make a huge difference on the children. The studies have proven that having good role models in both mother & father are very important in the development of the children & how they will relate in their possible marriages or lack of desire to get involved in a marriage.

Its important to be honest about what a one night stand is & what it isn't. It is NOT LOVE. Love is something that grows between 2 people & it takes years to really grow into true emotion between 2 people & takes patience & work to develop. Love is not something that is there when two people first meet....that is known as lust....not love. Be honest about what a one night stand really is, having sex with someone who is convenient, lust, a filling of one's own sexual desire....but IT IS NOT LOVE. Don't fool yourself with the terms.

If this is what you want out of life.....then it's a moral choice you make of how you choose to live your life. There are many people with BPD who choose to save themselves for their marriage. It is only society in the recent years that has pushed the belief that sex outside of marriage is ok. Yes, your BPD symptoms may make it easier for you to choose one night stands....but it's not a caused by your having BPD.

The important thing however to remember is that no matter what your choice is....it DOESN'T make you an AWFUL person. We all make bad choices of one kind of another in our lives.....that's just a human thing.....but bad choices don't make any of us an AWFUL person....it just means that we make bad choices.

It's important however for us to make our choices educated ones based on the facts about the choices we are making.....when we can do that & still feel satisfied with our choice then at least we have done our homework & can honestly base our choices on what we truly believe is right for us even if the choice would be wrong for someone else. It's when we don't make educated choices based on the facts that we fail ourselves in our decision making process.....whatever our decision choice is in the end.

I have always found that if I want people to respect the decisions I make, I need to base them on the facts. They may not agree with the decision I come up with based on the facts, but they can't argue that they aren't based on my analysis of the facts that apply to the decision being made & you can feel good about the decisions you make.

If you are really questioning your one night stands.....apply the facts to the situation....not just your emotions & decide for yourself if they are really the right thing for you or not.

I'm not sure what you mean by "in control" but I think I understand your question. Letting your conscience be your guide is fine but make sure it is your conscience. Don't let others judge you by their suxual mores and make you feel shame.
I know very little about BPD but have some experience with one nighters
I don't think it has to hurt your self esteem but you should develop good ground rules and know yourself. You've probably already had experiences that give you a good idea of some good ground rules.
Not sure why you're convinced you'll never have a bf... that's your call.
I used to think I'd never have a gf because I really didn't want one. Now I'm not so sure. That has nothing to do with conscience or shame.
Try not to be so hard on yourself

Of course it's not love. But it's one of the next best things: human contact. I agree with the person in Kentucky that you are not an awful person. But I do not agree that a one-night-stand is a bad choice. I began having one-nighters when I was 13 years old. It was a good choice. It was a good choice because, in my situation, I needed human contact so badly that if I didn't get it I would have...well, I would not be here today. I hope no one gets a triggering message from that. But really, I have to defend my good choice. Sleeping with strangers or with guys from school who wanted sex but wouldn't be seen with me in public SAVED my life. Some people can't function without human contact. This is upsetting me now because I haven't had much human contact lately. What I wouldn't give to be rocking the back seat of an old car with anyone. I can't "afford" one-night stands anymore because I am "functional". Sometimes I hate that, and long for the days of running naked in the rain screaming. I'm "functional." Every kid in the bars of this town is my student. Now I feel really rotten and I hate being "functional"--which is why I haven't had much human contact lately. F this.

I had many one night stands. A few in high school and then a lot more in college, lol. It was just like the others described it. I needed human contact and to feel that someone was into me. Didn't have to be loved, I just wanted to be liked. A few I regret, but most of them kept me sane too so I can't help but embrace the memory of them.
I understand and you are not a bad person. I think BPD does have something to do with it. It's not an excuse, but it's a reason.

I bought a man home on saturday night. Slept with him and then left the house and didn't come back until he'd woken up and gone.
It's like I need the closeness but can only deal with it in sexual form, anything else is too much for me to handle

I relate to that.
It's like this, I want to keep on feeling like they want me and can't live without me. (They act like they will marry you if they think they can get laid.)
If I go to sleep and wake up next to them I have to wonder how they will react when they get up later. Will he think I am ugly and he had total beer goggles on? Will he just think I'm a slut?
And mostly I don't want to feel like he only used me for sex. If I'm around when it's time for him to take the "walk of shame", how shameful will he be? Is he going to regret it? Is he going to act like my house has the plague and he hopes he never crosses my path again?

I have had so many guys be aloof, rude, and mean after a one night stand and that hurts worse than anything. If I knew they would just kiss me and say they will miss me, and actually pretend to mean it (they don't really have to mean it, just act like it) then I might be more inclined to sleep the night through with them rather than try to sneak out afterwards.

Doc

I've had one night stands. Always after break-ups. I told myself I needed to just have sex without getting attached to anyone (I tend to get overly-invested in relationships).

I actually started dating my current boyfriend after we had a ONS. Crazy, huh?

Yeah, that makes sense to me.

I'm great at putting on a sexual show, but when emotions are developed I become very uncomfortable. As the guy looks at me lovingly, I'm freaking out on the inside & can barely maintain some control over my facial expression. Ugh! I hate that!!

Be cautious and take good care of yourselves.Try to understand that you all have value.For any of you that are hurting inside,I send wishes for healing and peace and a sense of wholeness that no one can take away,and which stays inside even when you are alone.

I don't think anyone's awful.

No, one-night stands never felt too good to me either, but for me they were easier to deal with because I was not so afraid of the abandonment risk involved as there was when I was "serious" with someone. I always knew it would be over in the morning.

I did stop doing them, though, because I still found that I could not really help how weird I felt afterward. I realized that I could not just brush off s*x, but like you, I did not think I could ever be loved that way. So I completely cut off, esp. after my recent divorce...

I have a bf now, but we're together "for now". He mentions anything more and I freak out.

B.

I've had plenty one night stands, it's something between feeling obliged to do it (do it for them, they'll appreciate, they'll like it, they want me, they want it, I have to) and craving the appreciation that comes from it (show me you want me!).

It's not being a bad person, you're not hurting anyone, it's being fragile.

Thanks, i relate to what you're saying. Glad you posted, its helped me