Hi,
Sorry if this is long.

So, I just joined this forum today. I've also discovered recently that I have BPD (teamed up with alcoholism, depression, panic and anxiety). I am currently in recovery for my alcoholism and have been for awhile. I am taking antidepressants to combat my anxiety and depression.

I've taken endless courses on psychology in college (including a whole class devoted to personality!) My very supportive partner has worked as a mental health care worker and clinician for years. I can honestly say that I really don't know much about this disorder, other than it has a bad 'rep'/ stigma.

Once and awhile I'd listen to my partner talk about her experiences objectively about people in her personal life who have BPD. I always thought 'wow, borderlines are really crazy, glad I'm not one of those'. They apparently perseverated, were in constant crisis, were suicidal and attention seeking. This was the limit of my knowledge (and with a lot of education to back it, too!).

I thought the root of all my problems stemmed from early childhood trauma and thus self-medicated with alcohol. So I got myself into a recovery program and have been sober ever since. I thought my anger, self-pity and hatred, feelings of 'aloneness' would resolve itself. More problems started to come up in my interpersonal relationships. I would constantly feel underappreciated despite praise and approval at work and with friends. I would get angry very easily at what healthy people would call 'trivial things'. I would fear that my partner would leave me, that no one loved me, that I would always be alone. I would feel left out from but when asked to be part of, would become defiant and have to alienate to preserve my sense of 'autonomy'. I would be very untrusting, never letting anyone in, yet crave intimacy. Well, my experienced partner started to mention that I was showing traits of a person with borderline. This would make it worse and I would become defensive and angry, paranoid even. There was no way I was one of those 'crazy' people.

I believe I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am indeed not crazy, just ill. lol! And I can say that it is a relief. I'm writing this for advice and identification (can you relate to these things?). Feel free to quote me on the parts which you can relate to.

This is what I feel and experience:
I can rationalize and intellectualize, but I feel I have NO control over my emotions. I have a giant 'emptiness' inside of me, no amount of love (despite my illusions) from others has been able to fill it. I put myself down a LOT "wow you're just a major screw-up", "you're unlovable", "you're worthless", etc. I suffer from 'derealization' in which 'I am not really here.' I constantly think that people think the worst of me, if they are going to do something good for themselves they hate me, I will be left out, I will be forgotten. God forbid, I will be alone. Thus I become needy, craving constant approval, affection and reassurance that this is not the case. Which in turn will cause more problems. I'm terrified I will be abandoned!

I'm 'all-or-nothing' , for example if someone is mad at me, I will withdraw and isolate completely and obsess about it, I can't just 'get over it'. I will then perseverate until they 'forgive me'. I get angry easily, the anger is the worst because it becomes displaced. I lash out (not physically) but verbally at myself, I will raise my voice and have a tantrum like a 2 year old when I'm frustrated. 'Sorry' has become a meaningless word in my vocabulary when it comes to apologizing to others for acting like a little kid. 'Blame' is a good one: it's always someone doing something TO ME! (I really never wanted to be a victim yet find myself in this thought paradigm)

I want to be part of something, but always feel just 'outside' of it, always 'not good enough' , rejected, left out. I get anxious in social situations, I want to be accepted, I will sometimes (which I'm getting better at recognizing) sacrifice my values for approval. I get depressed and no one understands. I am not suicidal, nor have really experienced too much in that realm, but I have in the past injured myself with alcohol and substance abuse. I am extremely sensitive to criticism and fear it, even if it is done in a loving way, I feel that I'm being attacked, I in turn become defensive and angry. I'm fairly highly functional, I have days where I am filled with regret and shame and feel like a total loser. Other days I feel 'normal'.

I could probably go on and on. But do you feel these things?
I know that more information is helpful for me and my recovery. What are you doing for treatment and recovery? Do you have advice? Experiences of your own to share?
THank you very much for reading and responding.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Hi Strat Welcome to PC
I would say that you have come to a great place to learn and get support for what you're feeling and going through. I only started coming here myself last week (was it only last week!?) when my psych told me he thought I was BP and I started to research it and then found this forum.

From a very young age I have been unable to control my emotions. They were always off the chart. Rages, flipping over tables, throwing everything out of a closet onto the floor because my husband said something, absolutely raging behaviour, followed by the self-hatred, beating myself up. While I have never been one to self-harm, I have had thoughts of it in so far as wishing something would happen to me, but unable to do it myself due to feeling guilty for the people the left behind. That and the fact that I"m fairly sure I would screw it up and would still be here in the end.

I have always had the fear of abandonment that makes me flip out when someone wants to leave me. I will desperately cling to anything that will make them stay. I will say or do anything, yell scream beg threaten, everything in order for them to stay, even if I think they should leave too.

I am careening towards a major depression, have severe anxiety and am on medication for those things. I have also tried to numb the pain with alcohol and am still doing it although now it seems more frantic when I am upset versus socially drinking.

Yesterday I was told I am unfit for work and have been signed off for a couple of weeks to hopefully get a grip on my emotions. They have gone off the rails as my husband and I begin discussions about separating and issues surrounding that. The work me is very different than the personal me (which only a couple of people have ever seen/know). At work I am able to keep it together, I am strong and confident, but at times when I am home I lose it and break down into the trainwreck I am now. The problem with now is that I am unable to pull myself together enough to be effective at work and being told I am unfit makes me feel absolutely horrible.

I apologize for the horrendously long post! I want you to know you are not alone.. that there are many people here who share similar experiences and are willing to listen and offer support whenever you need it. I feel so blessed to have found this forum. It has been a lifesaver for me and I hope you will find it as useful.

[BaksAspen]

Hi stratocaster,

Thanks for posting your story. I've been going through the same that you have and it feels good knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like you, and maybe you can see that you're not alone in this.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic but I'm still having problems with over spending and controlling my emotions. I snap at anyone near me, and I have purposely started fights to vent, start feeling good as it comes out, but only to then start feeling miserable for what I just did. I feel worthless and not good enough for anyone and believe that my family would be better off with someone other than me. Sucks because we all know it's not true, but yet we believe it and live by it.

Your words that you want to be a part of something but your feel like an outsider. That's me, I have this uncontrollable drive to do things and be a part, but I always stop because I feel that I am also not good enough for their group and will always be an outsider to them. I've left social groups because of this, and one time blamed them for being elitists. I regret that.

I don't want to high jack your thread, but yes, I feel this things and so do a lot of people on here. I'm not taking any treatment because I have no insurance so professional help is out the window. So I come here, read as much as I can so I learn to help myself and control my emotions. Trust me, you said things that I personally go through and I'm sure there is more so you're not alone.

Wow thanks Sway, this is such a huge relief to know I'm not the only one who has this experience, it really really is. This whole way of thinking and feeling that I have always had, yet only now have put a 'name' to. This takes some of the power out of it for me...

And thank you, you have no idea (or perhaps you do) how much relief I feel that I am not the only one with these challenges.

Like you've explained, my in the world / work/ social person is not my home person either, many acquaintances and friends know me as funny, kind and relaxed. When sometimes the slightest action or word on another's part will lead me into a spiralling inner-fit, chaotic self-berating in my head and all inward defenses moved from stand-by to the frontlines!

A limited few know the emotional challenges I struggle with, I am lucky that my partner, family and a few VERY close friends are supportive. I am constantly told in this personal support network that it is not my 'fault' I am this way. That recovery is possible...

However, it's SO much different hearing from another person with the same struggles. I get a sense of solidarity, thank you very much for sharing your experiences. I'm pretty hopeful about the future, it seems like a long path, but I am willing to do it. It feels like such a weight off of my shoulders that I don't have to do it alone, there is support and people on the exact same path.

Yay!!! Another dysfunctional person to join the BPD party!!!! You're a part of something big!!

Seriously...you are describing me to a key. My number one biggest problem is with relationships and abandonment. I have always had unstable emotions and all the BPD traits, but for the last ten years or so, my traits have been at least somewhat maintained. During that period, I had no friends except my husband but I was under tenacious control most of the time. Recently, however, I allowed myself to attempt to have a friend. I went through the entire manipulative, clingy, push/pull with "him" and have since been abandoned. Needless to say, I'm completely unstable now. I cry at least once a day, get mad out of nowhere, am sad most of the time, and when things get really rough my mind goes out on it's own and starts disassociating...puts me in a state where nothing matters and I don't feel anything, but I pay for it with memory gaps. I also self-harmed when I was young and am back to that...but I don't cut. I pinch myself until I bruise, snap a rubber band against my skins until I have welts, or take my nails and rake them against my bare legs. And suicide has been considered too. I'm not an alcololic, but I have bouts where I drink entirely too much just to numb down the emotions...and that is all along, pretty much my entire life. So feel "a part" of something. If nothing else, you'll know you're not alone, and that in itself does help....a little bit.

Baksaspen: Thank you for posting your experience and sharing it with me. It's a blessing in itself to know 'yes, i'm not the only one.' (as far as both BPD and alcoholism go). When you mention :

"I have this uncontrollable drive to do things and be a part, but I always stop because I feel that I am also not good enough for their group and will always be an outsider to them."

This is also me Baks. I will join a group yet feel like an outcast, blame the group and the people (rather than realizing it is my own disorder causing me to feel this way). I will then isolate and as you say, label them 'elitist'. Ugh, such an annoying paradox. I understand COMPLETELY!

Thank you again for sharing, I invite it. The more experiences I hear and read about associated with this disorder, the more I am on my way to recovery.

carmasia: "Seriously...you are describing me to a key" thank you so much. These forums are helpful already. And you know, I really do feel a part of this, dare I say, party haha! I was never one for asking for help or support, but it is SO much easier than doing this on my own. I relate to what you're saying, I seem to have trouble with relationships yep, but I crave them, and crave them to be functional and healthy... For SO long I always thought other people were the ones who were messed up, so to speak. At least now I know that the problems in my life stem from my disorders. I can work on that, so it's a start.

I have fears of abandonment horribly, and want to be healthy enough so it can release it's grip on me, or so I can at least intervene with those fears in a healthy way. It's hard. Sometimes I fall into despair that I will always be this way. That maybe I shouldn't be in relationships AT ALL. (yet I crave to be around people)...My partner keeps saying that if I seek help and support I will only continue to get better. I am grateful.

Thank you again Carmasia it is very helpful to read what you're going through. What you wrote really rings true with me, although I like I said before my self-injurious behavior revolved around drugs and alcohol. The feelings of depression I understand...they feel like a vicegrip, then spiral out of control. I always felt NO ONE understood what I felt (now I know that's not the case).

Thanks for all your support!

[gettingby]

"I want to be part of something, but always feel just 'outside' of it, always 'not good enough' , rejected, left out. I get anxious in social situations, I want to be accepted, I will sometimes (which I'm getting better at recognizing) sacrifice my values for approval. I get depressed and no one understands. I am not suicidal, nor have really experienced too much in that realm, but I have in the past injured myself with alcohol and substance abuse. I am extremely sensitive to criticism and fear it, even if it is done in a loving way, I feel that I'm being attacked, I in turn become defensive and angry. I'm fairly highly functional, I have days where I am filled with regret and shame and feel like a total loser. Other days I feel 'normal'."

You are speaking my language!! This is SO related to what i go through. Im wondering if once I get counseling, if this will be covered. How to deal with feeling rejected and left out (usually thoughts that are not real) and how to not judge ourselves and others so negatively!

gettingby: I'm glad you can relate to this, it feels good to know others understand and experience these things. I also know, like you mentioned, that the feelings of rejection are not 'real'. Other people are not even consciously rejecting me! I just feel it, I can't get it out of my head! It so frustrating. I'm sure other people try to make me feel included and as if I belong, yet I CANT HELP but feel detached, outcasted and alienated. In addition, I can't help but feel 'judged'.

I am hoping to work on this more...I really believe this is all about PERCEPTION, and not reality at all. But I make it my reality. :bangs head against wall: I know that CBT and DBT helps with this, I think I am going to try it more (Cognitive Behavioral and Dialectical Behavioral therapies). I'm not sure about counselling, most counsellors I've had have just been good listeners. I hope you have better luck.

Thank you for reading and understanding

[gettingby]

Oh my, we have so much in common! Thats just it, these are thoughts only perceived by us, but they are so real. It's like you said, it just nags at you and you cant get it out of your head. And the worst part, because we are so conscious of it, we are constantly trying to "fix" it, thus making it worse. We try and alter how we act, how we laugh, how we deal, and I think it can become obvious to others.
Just someone not calling me back or saying thank you to me can send me on a downward spiral. This even goes for famiily members. If i write an email to my aunt, lets say, and she doesnt respond, i automatically think that she doesnt love me anymore and finds me annoying.
Yet, i know this isnt real at all! And when i say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous.

Thank YOU for understanding as well!

Haha! We really are speaking the same language, that's for sure. It is a huge relief.

Yes, I can definitely rationalize it. I KNOW I'm being messed up, but I have no control of it (no control over those feelings of rejection and the other feelings that follow). Then like you said I make it worse, I get obsessed about it and dwell on it while other people are having a good time.

Then when you mention:

"Just someone not calling me back or saying thank you to me can send me on a downward spiral. This even goes for famiily members. If i write an email to my aunt, lets say, and she doesnt respond, i automatically think that she doesnt love me anymore and finds me annoying."

I RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH! If someone for instance doesn't thank me for something minor (let's say lending them a book or picking up their laundry) I will think "wow, what the hell? I'm so unappreciated, they don't love me, they don't care. no one loves me." When hey, they're probably just too busy or preoccupied. Yes, if someone doesn't call me or invite me somewhere, I will start the same process. It's self-perpetuating.

I once fell into a depression because I went to a social thing and a few casual friends were standing there having this conversation about shopping or what have you. They looked at me and smiled. I came up to join in BUT they didn't say hi. (I'm not even interested in shopping or clothes or any of that crap AND they were in the middle of a conversation!!!). I felt so out of place, SO different, I felt isolated and alienated. I felt completely snubbed and rejected. They came and said hi later (proof that they were not rejecting me), but my depressive mood continued. I had sunk into the spiral "I have no friends, I never will. They don't care..." And on and on and ON.
When I mentioned earlier it's "all-or-nothing" for me, that's what I meant, they either LOVE me or they HATE me. There's no balance.

LOL. :repeatedly bangs head on wall:

Thanks for being here

[Stormy Seas]

Do I feel these things ??
YES
I think you just described me
BTW I think you are a very good descriptive writer . hugs

Thank you Stormy! Good to know more people get where I'm coming from.

I agree with you guys wholeheartedly. I often feel unappreciated and unloved. My husband and I are often at odds because I'll say something to him and even though he hears it, he won't acknowledge it at all, so I feel ignored and that what I said didn't matter at all. Like I said on another thread recently, I sometimes feel that we are the "normal" ones and the world is filled with insensitive, uncaring, unemotional jerks.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I agree with you guys wholeheartedly. I often feel unappreciated and unloved. My husband and I are often at odds because I'll say something to him and even though he hears it, he won't acknowledge it at all, so I feel ignored and that what I said didn't matter at all. Like I said on another thread recently, I sometimes feel that we are the "normal" ones and the world is filled with insensitive, uncaring, unemotional jerks.

Awe carm (((((hug)))))
You and I are seriously very much alike.. And it seems we are going thru the same things.. My husband sounds like yours and I feel very much the way you do... I wish I could help and be there for you