Feeling okay, but feeling like "okay" is tenuous. I have the next 3 days off with no plans in sight except for a possible meetup with a Meetup.com group that I may or may not go to (I always do this--be wishy-washy until the last minute) and I'm worried that all of that empty time will trigger a bad depressive episode. And so it goes...

I'm finding it very hard to read other's posts without going in to some type of depression and writing is the way I talk; it gets worse when I respond. I'm sorry, but I can't be of much help right now.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I'm finding it very hard to read other's posts without going in to some type of depression and writing is the way I talk; it gets worse when I respond. I'm sorry, but I can't be of much help right now.

Maranara, you don't have to help; it's okay.

Sometimes when I read this response from you I get the impression that you feel as though if you don't help you are letting us down. This is not true. We like you even if you didn't feel you could respond for a while. Being social--even online--takes emotional energy that sometimes we just don't have. It's okay if you need to store up energy for yourself.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I'm finding it very hard to read other's posts without going in to some type of depression and writing is the way I talk; it gets worse when I respond. I'm sorry, but I can't be of much help right now.

Don't worry.

I get like that too, we understand.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Just be one of us, Mara. You don't have to help all the time.

I had to learn the same thing.

It's okay to just be a part of the group.

We all help each other.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I went to another meeting today and K (other pwbpd) was not there today.

Immediately I had bad thoughts: "he thinks you want to hook up with him and now he's avoiding you". When for g*d's sake I was as space-giving as can be. I was respectful to him. I did not hook up with him. He was friendly to me, too. But we were not *that* friendly! lol

I told Ani, of course, how I was feeling and of course, he said, "Oh, Carol! There it is again! Your bad voice. Of course you don't wanna hook up with K! You are just fine! You acted perfectly okay with him! Come on already! There it is again!"

But maybe I need to go to women's meeting only.

I can't keep running from this meeting, though. Since I went back, I have been feeling better and others there have been more attentive toward me. I am trying to give off a more confident vibe.

G*d knows that K was taking a day off or doing something somewhere else.

G*d I hate that d**n voice!

It's so hurtful and hateful and destructive.

Today I chose not to listen to it.

Carol

<giving myself a hug tonight> (((Broken)))

Originally Posted by misskeena

Maranara, you don't have to help; it's okay.

Sometimes when I read this response from you I get the impression that you feel as though if you don't help you are letting us down. This is not true. We like you even if you didn't feel you could respond for a while. Being social--even online--takes emotional energy that sometimes we just don't have. It's okay if you need to store up energy for yourself.

This is something I've come to realize quite recently and you kinda hit it Keena. I taught school for close to 20 years. I think I did it initially because I never felt like much of a help at home. Teaching and helping is part of my very fragile sense of identity, and I'm no longer teaching so part of my identity was ripped from me. I'm using PC as a way of trying to retain some of that. When I can help and make a difference, it makes me feel good and confident. When I can't or when the emotional tole becomes too much, it sends me in to a downward spiral. Any suggestions would be helpful. Maybe I need to start a thread.

I normally start work at 6:30 and today they have me scheduled for 9:30 (Mountain Time) so I'm sitting in front of the computer with hot coffee in hand when I don't need to be. Not going back to bed. I guess I'll work on my writing for a while.

working on my first tattoo. gonna be a dogwood blossom with the words "serenity, courage, wisdom" in hebrew beside it, on my left forearm.

setting up the deposit and date and who's going to do it for me this afternoon, when husband gets home. hopefully before the library closes so i can print the words off and give them an impression of what i want it to look like.

otherwise, doing okay. kids are happy, dog is being jumpy but that's normal for her, husband is at work...he got a splinter in his eye yesterday but it worked itself out by last night so he looks like i gave him a black eye xD poor hubby...

making the dog a little jacket for when she's outside and it's chilly cuz even though she's a big dog, she has very short fur and needs some extra fluff...

rambling. sorry.

[youwillrise]

out of work early. snow.

still not feelin' life. my stomach is growling. all i ate yesterday was a tiny piece of watermelon at work and went upstairs and made a milkshake, while the dog was down in my mother & stepfather's room while my cousin & stepfather watched sports. thank goodness that dog stays wherever they are and doesnt go up and downstairs when he wants to.

therapy tomorrow. a lot to talk about. bad week. sad week. totally not rad week.

I'm sliding towards the dark pit again. Let's hope I don't fall in.....

Feeling a little better today, I am really sorry about last night.

[greentires4me]

i feel not too bad today must be the sun outside

[youwillrise]

my body is starting to feel the effects of not eating. ((sigh)) why in the effing world did whoever designed this house HAVE to put the kitchen UPSTAIRS? i would have no problem if the kitchen were downstairs like it is in most houses.

im not doing good right now. been crying. been throwing things. i pulled all of my perfumes out of the drawer and just threw them across the room. i dont even freaking care.

my mother came in from work and i could hear her greeting the dog...even the way she greeted him set me off. it was so kind and loving. for me a greeting is "get away from me" ...whatever, though.

[greentires4me]

Originally Posted by youwillrise

my body is starting to feel the effects of not eating. ((sigh)) why in the effing world did whoever designed this house HAVE to put the kitchen UPSTAIRS? i would have no problem if the kitchen were downstairs like it is in most houses.

im not doing good right now. been crying. been throwing things. i pulled all of my perfumes out of the drawer and just threw them across the room. i dont even freaking care.

my mother came in from work and i could hear her greeting the dog...even the way she greeted him set me off. it was so kind and loving. for me a greeting is "get away from me" ...whatever, though.

maybe get a bar fridge to put in your room they are usually not that expensive like $100+. that way you can always have food on hand to eat or snack on.

[youwillrise]

i thought about that, but what about food i have to cook? i just need to move out. that's what i need to do. cant afford it, though. =/

[greentires4me]

a microwave they are cheap these days...

[youwillrise]

nah....i'll just do what ive been doing. eat when everyone else goes to bed.

For us all

[Landoflimbo]

Feeling down, alone and vulnerable tonight. Turned to my trusted friend

[greentires4me]

aw those kittens look like little leopards

Doing okay today which means it's a good day.

[greentires4me]

I drank a very berry hibiscus refresher from starbucks then a rockstar...so I am zzzzhming like a working bee

^ hahaha. What are you doing with your new found energy?

feeling useless and unnecessary.