[hungryghost]

If I could just drink all day, I don't think I would feel bad at all.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Today I went to my 12 step meeting; the meeting I thought I was never going to again.

I shared there.

I actually connected with someone for a short moment. He's another person with bpd.

I rode home on a crowded bus---still HATE that. And also hate how I react to men on it. I am always afraid they will do something inappropriate before I even know what they'll do.

Also, my mentor had to remind me tonight not to let my frustration with my uncle (who never really dealt with our situation of almost being homeless) get to me. I will find a way.

Yes, I am angry and I am very sad. Bruce has been my only real friend, besides Ani. When he is gone, what will happen to me? I am so scared. I think something's happening to him. I think he might even be getting ready to pass away. I feel his life force ebbing.

And there's no one to help me. Really.

Ani can only encourage me. He's barely getting by himself.

Oh, g*d... .

I pray every day for the strength to prepare for what I know will be the most challenging phase of my life.

Carol

[spondiferous]

I am browsing websites, trying to get some inspiring ideas for things to take in school. I am finally biting the bullet and going to college, this time for real. I am determined not to let indecision, low self-esteem, anxiety and fear get the best of me. I deserve better.
I had a difficult day with anxiety and reality testing. Getting ready to move soon, starting school, going into a new therapy group where I can start dealing with the deeper stuff again. I know that I have the support of my partner, friends, professionals, the Universe. I just feel kind of scared right now, even though I know that everything that's happening is all to the good.
Just wish I could convince my mind of that sometimes.
Hope y'all are well. Hugs if you're not. And even if you are. If you want em.

feeling kind of dead. going through the motions. blaaah...

stomach hurts. and i stubbed my toe this morning and it wasn't anything bad but DAMN i thought i'd lost my whole leg...

also, just decided, i'm getting my "serenity. courage. wisdom." tattoo, dammit. going over there to get a quote and maybe set up an appointment for around my birthday this afternoon. i don't care. i have wanted this for a few years now. kind of excited.

Depressed, angry, antisocial, unproductive, lonely, lost in all my own crap, unable to help anyone including myself, no self esteem, wishing I could just shut down for a day or two. Another great day.

I just don't want to do today. I don't want to do tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that either... But I have to get through today. Realize that I'm digging myself into a deeper and deeper pit with my (probably ex) friend. The more he ignores me the worse I cling. I just need him to acknowledge my text or email, and I don't care what the acknowledgement is; even if he yells at me, that would be fine. But the ignoring is tearing me completely apart and I don't know what to do.

I'm Here...surfed too long. Lost my ride. Had to "boot it" for role call!



-Fleeing

[greentires4me]

today I am feeling pretty low...I witnessed an accident and I was at that corner moments before...whew.

I cant keep calling out for help and no one comes to my rescue the way it should be and I get help I deserve.

freaking out again about lunch with lady from crochet group. she's making ME decide where to go. i hate being put on the spot like this. i haven't a clue of where to go and i'm so indecisive, husband usually makes the decision on where to go or we'd only ever eat out at McDonald's or something.......

**** **** **** **** **** **** ****...

i hate this. hate hate hate.

and son won't eat. is very hungry, but won't eat from the new bottle we got. why couldn't he be okay with change like my daughter was??? ugh...

hate this. hate it.

[youwillrise]

in a good enough mood to clean. this place is a freaking mess...but i usually dont have the energy, patience for it...nor do i usually care.

dont know how long the clean will last, but whatever.

Feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, just a waste of space.

[youwillrise]

i feel trapped right now.
im sitting in my bedroom listening to all the commotion with the dog upstairs
and i just cant get myself to go up there.

i want to get something to eat so badly
but i also dont want a dog sniffing me and jumping on me. ((sigh))

like i said in another post in another section of the forums, i dont want to be a jerk about it and it's not fair to them to not be able to have a dog because of me...guess i'll just be stuck here in my bedroom. not really like they'll notice or care anyway. im surely the least desired person in this house. the dog has found a comfortable home here with them much faster than i did...i still havent found it. at least one of us is getting something good out of it.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

Feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, just a waste of space.

I feel the same way. I feel like all I'm doing is existing. I go to work, come home, and sleep. Then I do it all over again. I used to feel so good about the fact that I had at least two really good friendships but now that's not even true. And the one I have left I'm not even that interested in. I really only liked the one friendship that just died on me (or, rather, that I killed). I don't feel interested in anything or anyone. I'm not really hungry but I'm eating way too much--just ate a whole pizza--because at least then I feel full. I don't want to go to bed because that means I have to get up to go to work but I'm bored and don't know what to do and it's 9pm so I may as well go to bed.

I feel completely worthless and hopeless. The sad thing is that this one friendship was probably the difference between my feeling good about myself and my feeling completely empty. That's terrible...that I can't find any identity outside of someone else.

I texted my girlfriend and she doesn't feel good and now I'm crying violently because she won't give me the attention and reassurance that I need. I'm so selfish.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I texted my girlfriend and she doesn't feel good and now I'm crying violently because she won't give me the attention and reassurance that I need. I'm so selfish.

At least she returned your text.

Originally Posted by misskeena

At least she returned your text.

I'm sorry.

I feel like hurting myself...

[youwillrise]

in a foul mood. funny how things change. from "in in a good enough mood..." to "in a foul mood"

ive been crying over my fear. im doing laundry and my mother yells down "you're not doing laundry NOW are you, when im about to go to bed"

she didnt even say "hello" to me when she got home from work today.

the washer/dryer happens to be in her bedroom, so she comes in while i'm folding some towels and goes "why are your pants SO big? those cant be yours! not all big like that." so i say "yes they are" and she says "why'd you buy them so BIG?" and i say "i didnt buy them" simple as that

and she goes "what's YOUR problem?"

i have a lot of problems, mother...how much time and patience do you have? we can go through all of them right now. have yourself a seat.

they (aka my family) make little comments that bug the crap out of me. last time i was in a really foul mood for a few days (which was the week before last) my stepfather says to me "so...what do you do? pout and be mean at home, but as soon as you walk into work, your face changes and you're happy?" EFF YOU! and actually my work life makes me happier than anything else. i feel more at home and more welcome at work than i do at home... and the faces of those children that i get to take care of and teach and keep safe and watch explore DEFINITELY make me smile...so yeah, i put on a happy face when i get to work.

one of the children in my class says to me during that week i was in a real bad funk..."i dont want to make you cry" this is a 2 year old. how absolutely perceptive and connected are children? they just know. i was doing my best to not seem outwardly "down" or upset, but sometimes there's just no way of getting around people figuring it out. especially if those people are children. of course when she said that to me, i wanted to cry MORE than i did before she said it.

my words are all jumbled. bleh.

[greentires4me]

I just read a couple chapters of the book I am reading and stopped in the middle of the chapter because I couldn't continue to read it...

just feeling very awkward in my own skin

getting my first tattoo soon. excited.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by DreamAddiction37

feeling kind of dead. going through the motions. blaaah...

stomach hurts. and i stubbed my toe this morning and it wasn't anything bad but DAMN i thought i'd lost my whole leg...

I was at a meeting yesterday and I bumped my head on the overhanging tv. OUCH. Stubbing toes---that really hurts---and ticks me off!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I went to anothe rmeeting today.

I led it too. The topic was "Being friendly with your friends" and the other pwbpd was there and we had some laughs.

Carol

[Girl_interrupted89]

after stressful and exhausting applications, my hard work finally paid off.. Got accepted and is going to start having my on the job training at a great patisserie.. This really made me happy.. <3

Day 5 of 11....here all day.....that's about it..... Have nothing else to offer.
Surely can't give advice or be helpful.